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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH reaction

59 replies

reflex123 · 31/12/2023 05:26

Can the kind people of Mumsnet help me on this one? Last night me and DH went out for a long awaited "date night". It was fine right until the last 10 minutes when DH stormed out. We had seen a couple walking out, past our table, and I had commented that it was nice of the boyfriend to be carrying the bunch of flowers that the woman had. I said was a caring boyfriend. My DH took great offence and said I was having a dig at him, that I "always do this" and always compare him to others. This seems to be based on my positive comments of other men over the years like if they come up in conversation. E.g oh so and so is such a nice guy! It transpires that each time I do this I am making DH feel bad. I will admit that our relationship is not rock solid and I feel a lot of emotional needs are not met. I do see positive traits in other people but am not consciously comparing them to DH - that I am aware of. But perhaps in light of everything and what DH said, is there a chance I am?! I am so confused. I tried explaining things and then got tired of what I felt was childish behaviour from DH and just laid it down that I would like him to be more emotionally supportive and compassionate to me. I may have called him thin skinned. He then stormed out and is giving me the silent treatment today. I tried asking for time to talk but he said he needs a day on his own. AIBU for comparing him to others with comments like these? And Was my reaction unwarranted? I'm left feeling very confused.

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 31/12/2023 05:41

Tone and context mean a lot so it's hard to say. Saying someone is a nice guy or did something nice really shouldn't be effecting him unless you say it as a passive-agressive dig at him. You should be able to talk without little throwaway remarks being made out as an attack.

brainworms · 31/12/2023 05:43

He sounds like a massive baby.

LilBooThang · 31/12/2023 05:45

He sounds very paranoid.

Does he smoke weed?

SutWytTi · 31/12/2023 05:51

AIBU for comparing him to others with comments like these? If you are comparing him to others, then yes that would be unreasonable.
Possibly the comment about the flowers sounds pointed, because it is not a comment-worthy action. It could easily be interpreted as comparative.

Only you know if you're being passive aggressive, but I think if my DH spent a lot of time saying 'isn't that woman lovely' 'isn't that woman lovely' and 'isn't that woman lovely' I would be Hmm after a while.

You could be coming across similar to when you hear parents saying pointedly 'oh doesn't that little boy have lovely manners!' when annoyed with their own kid.

Storming off sounds extreme, and the fact he now won't speak to you is not good. It all sounds draining.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 31/12/2023 05:57

Ohh both wrong, I can totally understand if someone said oh isn’t it nice to see a nice caring young man that your DH would take it as a dig and if that’s how your worded I think you meant it to be.

Can you get couples counselling to work out teamwork, and appreciation's communication

MintJulia · 31/12/2023 06:01

If you are on a date night, surely you are trying to focus on each other, something you do not always have the chance to do, and re-energising your relationship.

Not admiring the manners of passing men. It depends on your tone and what the conversation had been up to that point, but I can see your dh's point.

GoodVibesHere · 31/12/2023 07:44

I think it odd that you noticed the man carrying something for the woman he was with. I honestly wouldn't notice, or think anything of it. I don't know why you needed to comment on it. The bit I find strange is that you even said 'he's a caring boyfriend'. I can sort of see why your DH picked up on it, because it comes across that you were purposefully pointing out how 'good' other men are.

Sparkletastic · 31/12/2023 07:52

It was an odd thing to comment on and could come across as pass/agg.

Original poster
reflex123 · 31/12/2023 07:53

Thanks for the replies. My comment wasn't out of the blue. My DH had already commented on the couple as they were one of several that had walked past in the same situation (they were the bridesmaid's partners coming out with them as there was some photoshoot at the venue we were at) so it was topical rather than me singling it out. To me, I felt he was extrapolating massively to a comment and if he'd felt that way for some time based on previous comments I had apparently made I wish he had brought it up sooner and in a less attacking way when we had both had drinks.

OP posts:
Original poster
reflex123 · 31/12/2023 07:54

Interesting that quite a few people mentioned passive aggressive as that's exactly what DH said. It wasn't my intention to be that way but interesting so many people have said it.

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 31/12/2023 08:07

I lived with someone who centred themselves in everything I said or did and it was exhausting. I could never just make a throwaway comment or muse out loud without it being some kind of attack and any thoughtlessness or absentmindedness was always assumed to have malicious intent. It made me second guess myself constantly and was no fun. If this is you situation, then I massively sympath8se as it's so hard to be yourself around someone who always thinks the worst of you.

Lighrbulbmo · 31/12/2023 08:17

I agree with the comment by pp about how people can twist things. It is hard to explain how the smallest remark can make someone switch from ok to sulk mode, then turn it round as if they are the wounded person somehow. It’s hard to explain but very difficult and confusing.

Original poster
reflex123 · 31/12/2023 08:21

Thank you. The fact that I'm so confused is giving me the impression that DH was twisting what I was saying as otherwise I would own it. The sulking today is the icing on the cake--as if I've mortally wounded him. It's not like my ask for him to be more empathetic or compassionate was anything new. It's a recurring issue in our relationship. Draining and confusing is how I'd best describe it. his reaction is making me question myself.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 31/12/2023 08:26

If you are consistently praising others whilst only criticising your boyfriend then it will absolutely come across as passive aggressive comparison.

What puzzles me is coming to the conclusion that someone is caring because they are carrying their girlfriend's flowers: it strikes me as a superficial thing.

When you say you don't feel your boyfriend meets your emotional needs what would you like him to be doing differently, and what words have you used to tell him this?

QuillBill · 31/12/2023 08:27

I don't see why a man carrying a wedding prop makes him a caring boyfriend.

I would probably see this as a criticism that he wasn't caring if I was your husband because it's such a reach.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 31/12/2023 08:28

reflex123 · 31/12/2023 07:53

Thanks for the replies. My comment wasn't out of the blue. My DH had already commented on the couple as they were one of several that had walked past in the same situation (they were the bridesmaid's partners coming out with them as there was some photoshoot at the venue we were at) so it was topical rather than me singling it out. To me, I felt he was extrapolating massively to a comment and if he'd felt that way for some time based on previous comments I had apparently made I wish he had brought it up sooner and in a less attacking way when we had both had drinks.

Ah so the comment was he's nice because he's carrying something for her, not that he'd bought her flowers which I initially took from the op. it was nice of the boyfriend to be carrying the bunch of flowers that the woman had. I said was a caring boyfriend.
I can see how that's PA "look how Nice and caring he is. He's carrying her thing, you don't do that for me"?

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 31/12/2023 08:33

Is he taking a time out, or is he ignoring you? If he’s ignoring you, giving the silent treatment to your partner is abusive, toxic and unhealthy. He’s calling you passive aggressive, but his behavior is manipulative.

AlisonDonut · 31/12/2023 08:33

At the crux of the matter, he isn't emotionally supportive and knows it so he sees everything you say as a personal slight. Which in all aspects you may well be noticing these things because he isn't emotionally supportive so will spot them when you see them.

But then he goes on to give you the silent treatment, a known tactic of abusers.

So all in, yes you might be passive aggressive in pointing it out, but if it hits a nerve and is true, and he responds with more abusive tactics, where does this leave you? Walking on Eggshells I suspect.

bookfit24 · 31/12/2023 08:34

Tone is everything. If I said this to DH (we actually have on ongoing joke about men carrying things) it would be nowt.

However I can think of another couple I know where the wife would totally say this as a dig “look how caring her dh is” (usually said in a sing song type of voice).

If you’re often passing comments like “oh look how that man is so nice to his wife” yeah I get it would be a bit draining

On the other hand, as others have said - some people just grab onto something to have a row. Either way - storming out is an over reaction and embarrassing for you.

Shoxfordian · 31/12/2023 08:49

He sounds like an over sensitive manchild, couldn't put up with that

Original poster
reflex123 · 31/12/2023 08:50

Agree that tone is everything. In no way was it... look at how great HE is. It was a passing comment. And despite what DH was insulting, this isn't a "constant" behaviour. He could name 2 other examples in the past 16 years we've been together! I also have a reputation among his friends of being a supportive partner (as DH told me literally two days ago). Honestly, utterly bewildered by this.

OP posts:
Loveinthedarkness · 31/12/2023 08:58

I think op you have some simmering resentments towards your dh, which means your comments sound loaded. You admit that you told him and think he’s not meeting your emotional needs. These feelings can emanate consciously or subconsciously in comments.
I agree with pp the comment about the kind man and the flowers is odd and seems a reach.
Add in drink and it supposedly being a special date night adds to sensitivities
i don’t agree with his reaction though and hate a sulker ( grow up!)
you needs to both sit down like adults and discuss

jacks11 · 31/12/2023 09:03

It’s impossible to say which of you is unreasonable- as a pp said, tone and context are everything in these situations. I honestly suspect, as is the case in quite a lot of disagreements, that you are both somewhat in the wrong. It does sound like the kind of comment that could be said pointedly in a passive aggressive way and probably not the most tactful thing to say on a date night, especially if he already knows your feelings regarding your perception of his lack of empathy. It may be that he is thin skinned and over-reacting, or that he is twisting what you said a bit.

I think I would think what you’d said was critical if said to me in the context you have given. I wouldn’t have stormed out, but i would have been hurt if my partner had chosen a date night to bring up something they are critical about me for, it’s not really the best time.

On the other hand, storming out of the restaurant and now refusing to talk to you today is not a good sign either. If he wants some space to think, that’s fine but he should agree a time to talk it over. Simply ignoring you is not right.

Openly comparing your partner to others is something I would find annoying and hurtful. Stop doing it, it is passive aggressive- whether you mean it to be or not- and is designed to antagonise and/or belittle (even if you aren’t doing it consciously). It is also highly unlikely to engender the change you are looking for.

Equally, on his part if he is actually not upset with you but just twisting what you say to get you off balance, then I can see that that is leaving you second guessing and confused, which is no way to feel in a relationship.

Is it possible that your need for more empathy and compassion are simply not realistic, or at least not from him? I had an ex-partner who needed, from my perspective, quite a lot of emotional support/handholding and it felt like whatever I did was never quite enough/quite right. It was really hard feeling like your partner thinks you just aren’t trying hard enough, didn’t care about them or are being unsupportive when you are trying to be. He felt I was not emotionally available/empathetic as he needed, that I was shutting him out and not supporting him, and sometimes that it seemed like I didn’t care. It was exhausting for both of us. At the time I thought he was overly “needy” and quite hard work, a bit OTT. I;m sure he would characterise me as not especially emotionally open. With hindsight, and some maturing, I realise that neither of us was “bad/wrong” we just were too different in our needs/ways of showing emotional support for us to be able to be in a relationship.

Honestly, this could be one of those situations where two people are simply not compatible as you cannot meet each other’s needs without anyone actually being solely “at fault”.

Asiama · 31/12/2023 09:04

I think YABU because by your own admission in your OP, you are comparing him to other men.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 31/12/2023 09:04

If I said “oh that woman looks so elegant and beautiful in a dress, dresses are so feminine” about another woman to my wife who wears jeans and never dresses, I would expect her to be upset.

Maybe don’t be doing things like that, because the unsaid part is always perceived as “I wish you were different” and that hurts like fuck.