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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH reaction

59 replies

reflex123 · 31/12/2023 05:26

Can the kind people of Mumsnet help me on this one? Last night me and DH went out for a long awaited "date night". It was fine right until the last 10 minutes when DH stormed out. We had seen a couple walking out, past our table, and I had commented that it was nice of the boyfriend to be carrying the bunch of flowers that the woman had. I said was a caring boyfriend. My DH took great offence and said I was having a dig at him, that I "always do this" and always compare him to others. This seems to be based on my positive comments of other men over the years like if they come up in conversation. E.g oh so and so is such a nice guy! It transpires that each time I do this I am making DH feel bad. I will admit that our relationship is not rock solid and I feel a lot of emotional needs are not met. I do see positive traits in other people but am not consciously comparing them to DH - that I am aware of. But perhaps in light of everything and what DH said, is there a chance I am?! I am so confused. I tried explaining things and then got tired of what I felt was childish behaviour from DH and just laid it down that I would like him to be more emotionally supportive and compassionate to me. I may have called him thin skinned. He then stormed out and is giving me the silent treatment today. I tried asking for time to talk but he said he needs a day on his own. AIBU for comparing him to others with comments like these? And Was my reaction unwarranted? I'm left feeling very confused.

OP posts:

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 31/12/2023 09:07

When we first got together my husband would often storm out of an argument or discussion he didn't like. I called it flouncing. I told him early on that it is the height of rudeness and that he should be able to remain in the room like an adult or at least tell me why he's leaving. Did your husband leave you in the restaurant alone and walk out? He's got issues and needs a taste of his own medicine. My husband stopped that behaviour when asked. We've been together 17 years, and I couldn't ask for a better husband

Bestyearever2024 · 31/12/2023 09:10

If there was a comparative element to your comment and you were passive aggressively trying to make a point, then that was wrong, especially on a date night

Only you know what you were doing, so there's no point in second-guessing you

However the fact that your husband needs a day to recover and is giving you the silent treatment, rather than taking the subsequent conversation on the chin and being up for change - would give me the total ick

I could never be with a man like this

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 09:11

To be honest this sounds like something someone passive aggressive would say, with the intention of having a dig….but then able to claim they weren’t having a dig at all.

buying flowers isn’t a sign someone cares. Not always. In public it could be just someone who likes to be performative. Or could be an apology bunch of flowers.

You attached thoughts and feelings and assumptions to someone else. Which happen to match what you feel is missing in your marriage.

In context of a struggling marriage, not just the evening I can see how this would be a dig. Or even not a dig but perceived as one.

Sulking is childish. But I woken imagine it’s frustrating when someone has a dig, the pretends they didn’t and that you are the problem. I could’ve arsed talking either.

I would suggest, maybe, counselling for you both. It may help your communication.

As op said above, if you had trousers on and he talked about how nice the women at the next table wore a dress for her boyfriend and said that must means she cares as she made an effort, how would you have taken it?

Muchof · 31/12/2023 09:13

reflex123 · 31/12/2023 07:54

Interesting that quite a few people mentioned passive aggressive as that's exactly what DH said. It wasn't my intention to be that way but interesting so many people have said it.

This was also my impression. I just can’t think why anybody would need to comment on who is carrying flowers between another couple. So yes there is every chance he would see this as a comment directed at him, especially if you are always doing this.

betterangels · 31/12/2023 09:20

It's a reach to comment that a stranger is a caring boyfriend because he's carrying some flowers/giving flowers. You have no idea.

It does come across passive-aggressively and would annoy the hell out of me if done repeatedly. Your husband is OTT in his reaction, though. Either try counselling or realise that you're no longer compatible.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/12/2023 09:23

I agree with PP. Carrying flowers is a small thing that you know nothing about. It could be that she was done with them and he wanted to give them to his mum or something so took them. It seems a very small thing to make a comment on and it seems OTT to attach a value to it (as in, you could think it was a nice thing for him to do, but doing one nice thing is quite far from being a caring boyfriend- he could have smacked her across the head with the flowers when they got outside). So to comment on the caring boyfriend does seem OTT

However unless this happens all the time, it seems completely OTT for your husband to storm out the restaurant and to refuse to speak to you for an entire day, even if you did mean it passively aggressively. His reaction is like you told him you wished you'd never married him or something.

QuillBill · 31/12/2023 09:25

buying flowers isn’t a sign someone cares. Not always. In public it could be just someone who likes to be performative. Or could be an apology bunch of flowers.

She was a bridesmaid. She was on her way to have her photo taken.

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 09:30

QuillBill · 31/12/2023 09:25

buying flowers isn’t a sign someone cares. Not always. In public it could be just someone who likes to be performative. Or could be an apology bunch of flowers.

She was a bridesmaid. She was on her way to have her photo taken.

Thank you. I missed that post.

It doesn’t even really make sense in that context.

I can see why it came across as a dig

Jl2014 · 31/12/2023 09:35

Maybe it was passive aggressive. Maybe it was just a meaningless comment. Difficult to comment on that part.

i would find it very difficult to contend with someone who would flounce out of a restaurant in a huff though. This is astonishing behaviour for an adult. Also very unattractive in a partner. He needs to grow up. If he has an issue - discuss it properly.

BonnieIou · 31/12/2023 09:38

As I was reading your post I thought passive aggressive before I even read the comments. As in you said it as a dig to him.

But he sounds like a big baby, who storms out of a restaurant ffs.

Grimpo · 31/12/2023 09:44

You can't go through the rest of your life refraining from saying anything positive about anyone who is male for fear that your husband will take it as a dig at him. You need to tell him to grow up, and also point out that storming out and sulking are things he should have go over by the age of 15.

SallyWD · 31/12/2023 09:46

I think he was certainly overeating by storming out. At the same time, it really does sound like you were trying to make a point to him. I really can't imagine a occasion where I'd see two complete strangers and start telling DH what a caring boyfriend the bloke was.
If DH randomly told me that some woman he saw in a restaurant looked like a lovely, caring partner I'd either think he fancied her or was comparing her to me. I wouldn't storm out but it would piss me off a bit on a date night

chewsandwhine · 31/12/2023 09:51

Your relationship doesn’t sound healthy.

You should be able to make remarks about others to your dh without causing offence.
Unless offence was intended ( passive / aggressive), in which case, why ?
For him to feel defensive and take offence shows that all is not well in your relationship.
I can see both sides. However in a solid relationship this would not have arisen.

Something is lacking.

Sulking and silent treatment are red flags too.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/12/2023 09:55

I have to agree with other posters in that I would have taken this as a bit passive aggressive and nit picking from you. Especially as you then ended the conversation by saying you needed him to be more emotionally supportive & compassionate, so that sort of confirms that your initial comment wasn’t random or a throwaway comment, it was a dig at the bigger issues you have in your marriage. So you are the one that brought that up during date night, not him.

I think it’s fair enough to maybe both take some breathing space today alone and then try and have a proper conversation about it at some point.

FairytaleOfKent · 31/12/2023 09:57

I think the comment would have been fine if your relationship was in a good place, but it sounds like it isn't. A person is more likely to take offence if their SO compliments a characteristic in another person of the opposite sex if it is a characteristic their SO has told them they are lacking. So if you have told your DH that he can be thoughtless and then you compliment someone for being thoughtful then it will feel like you're being passive aggressive.

sliceofapple · 31/12/2023 10:13

How you communicate is one of the indicators as to whether your relationship will last with about a 90% accuracy. Silent treatment is classed as a relationship killer, it is abusive because it is an attempt to train someone never to do anything that upsets the sulker. It is also an awful example he is setting to his children about relationships.

Do you point out the nice things that your Dh does? Do you look for those? I would tell him that you want to talk to him about moving forward and you will not be talking about what happened yesterday. But I would tell him that he needs to think about what it is he wants from you and that you will think what you need from him and you will come together later to talk about it.

You need to be explicit, tell him what you need, this all about positives. Acknowledge what he does that you love, then ask for some more things. I would tell him how much you want to make this marriage work and that you love him. You need to tell him that it is rude to storm out of a room/restaurant etc that you can disagree but it doesn't then come with some sort of punishment. I am sure he doesn't do that at work.

It is all about phrasing, I would like it if you can stay in the room even when we disagree about something rather than don't do X,Y,Z.

PocketBattleship · 31/12/2023 11:05

Another one here wondering why you had to say anything about it at all. It seems such an odd thing to point out even without the overarching circumstances.

If, in what is by your own admission a less-than-rock-solid relationship, you comment positively even once on other men's behaviour then you run the risk of him joining the dots in his head. Rightly or wrongly.

His reaction sounds OTT but he's not around to tell us how he feels about either what you said or the state of your relationship overall. You could have just kept it to yourself; you're not blameless here.

SecondHandFurniture · 31/12/2023 11:11

I don't think it sounds like you like each other very much any more, which in my experience is a lost cause.

Sparklfairy · 31/12/2023 11:22

I haven't RTFT but what concerns me is that his reaction indicates he is well aware of his 'shortcomings' as a husband. Why else would you take such offence at someone else/a stranger being complimented unless it touched a nerve that this is something you don't do but feel you should/your wife would like it?

If he's so aware of what you would appreciate, and that he isn't emotionally supportive or compassionate to you, then why doesn't he step up and fulfill those needs? No, instead he lashes out at you and gives you the silent treatment.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2023 11:38

Life is too short to spend it with a giant man baby, and I think the only really he stormed out is because he knows exactly how shit he is at being in an adult relationship.

Run for your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2023 11:45

what concerns me is that his reaction indicates he is well aware of his 'shortcomings' as a husband. Why else would you take such offence at someone else/a stranger being complimented unless it touched a nerve that this is something you don't do but feel you should/your wife would like it?

Exactly. He knows full well how lacking he is, he doesn't care enough to do anything about it, but don't you dare remind him of it or he'll have a giant man baby tantrum.

Fuck that.

gannett · 31/12/2023 12:02

You were passive-aggressive and pointed. He massively overreacted with his childish hissy fit. You don't actually like each other, do you?

Original poster

reflex123 · 31/12/2023 12:05

Well for the third time today I tried to broach it with him. He won't talk to me. Says I need to own it. And won't talk anymore as "he knows how it's going to go". Feels like unless I'm on my knees apologising he won't want to know. I'm going to bed as it's night time here. Thanks for the replies. Let's see what tomorrow (and 2024 brings).

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 31/12/2023 12:11

I think he’s probably right in that you do need to own it though? And I don’t actually think it’s a bad thing for you to now say “actually yeah, I can see that comment was a bit passive aggressive, I can see where you’re coming from etc”. Infact I think that would be an example of really good communication and a huge step in the right direction because the reality is you said it, you don’t regret what you said/it wasn’t untrue (in your mind), so why not own it? Relationships & the open/honest communication they require does mean that you sometimes have to say “actually yeah, I did that”. You don’t have to regret it or take it back, but as you’ve seen by the replies here, lots of people would have taken it the same way that your husband has.

Why not open that much neede dialogue by owning it, and then move forward from there. E.g. “yes I did do that, it wasn’t the time or place and for that I apologise. Can we have that chat now, as there are xyz I think we need to discuss”…

ASeriesOfTubes · 31/12/2023 12:29

Be careful how you frame any comments on other people's relationships.

Someone I know quite well has a BIL who earns huge money. Properly huge money. She used to think she was just making conversation to her DH about the expensive lovely things that her sister's side of the family were up to. She no longer has a DH.

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