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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My whole perception of my husband has changed

50 replies

fatpord · 30/12/2023 22:20

My husband and my son has said they’re not going to talk about it with me until the morning, as I’ve had a bottle of wine, so they might be right and I might my over reacting, but please hear me out. My family is stressful, I can’t even tell you how bad it is. My son has mental health issues and my daughter has physical health problems. The way it works is I work from 8am to 6pm and my husband works shorter hours but is around to handle my son’s mental health and daughters struggles while I work. I honestly thought he was the bees-knees up until today. Please help me put this in perspective and tell me AIBU
He just said he doesn’t wash his hands after ‘a poo’ and preparing our meals
i mean, god, I’ve always appreciated that he was the one that prepared and did all the meals and how lucky we all were but I honestly can’t cope with this revelation. To me it’s disgusting and really ‘fuck-you-ish’.
I’ve always adored him and everything about him but tonight I actually thought, my god, this person I thought I knew, is absolutely disgusting. After my wide-mouthed response to his revelation and him going to bed as I’m not fit to comment until the morning (he may be right of course)
please any I am being unreasonable is truly appreciated

OP posts:
aveline161 · 30/12/2023 22:22

Sounds like the pressure of doing everything plus working is getting to him

Fionafaorta · 30/12/2023 22:23

That's fucking grim.

Fionafaorta · 30/12/2023 22:25

aveline161 · 30/12/2023 22:22

Sounds like the pressure of doing everything plus working is getting to him

And the pressure stops him washing his hands after handling shitty toilet paper before her makes his family food??

2 completely separate issues.

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 30/12/2023 22:25

How did this even come up?

Thementalloadisreal · 30/12/2023 22:25

There is literally no excuse for not washing hands after a poo. Especially as he could make your family all very sick.

Boomarang · 30/12/2023 22:25

I’d say you need a good sleep and then wake up in the morning, take some paracetamol, make breakfast for everyone, and sheepishly apologise for making a massive mountain out of a molehill.

The hand washing, not great, but better communicated calmly and non confrontationally.

RatatouillePie · 30/12/2023 22:26

To be fair lots of people "wash" their hands e.g. a quick rinse under a running tap and no soap.

To come out with a random comment like that he is clearly stressed. It's probably not even true.

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 30/12/2023 22:27

It is appalling (but surprisingly common, especially in men 🤮) Enjoy the rest of your wine and, tomorrow, discuss basic hygiene with him.

If he's got some sort of anti-hand-washing lunacy going on, you could stick bottles of hand gel around the house & get him to sterilise his mitts before touching food or children's faces.

... tomorrow!

Hankunamatata · 30/12/2023 22:27

That's an extremely odd thing to come up in conversation and yep I'd be grossed out.

MaryHinges · 30/12/2023 22:28

It's grim but probably not worth a blazing row over at bed time. Talk to him in the morning and explain how gross it is that he prepares food for other people without washing his hands after a shyte. It's not very hygienic but I'm more baffled you've never noticed until now. I would definitely have noticed the towels all being bone dry every day after he took a crap.

Original poster
fatpord · 30/12/2023 22:29

Yes I get that. And believe me the pressure on both of of us if is horrible. I can’t hardly drag myself out of bed most mornings. And I can understand if he’d want to walk away. But don’t you think that revelation is a ‘fuck you’ to us all? ‘You know when I cook for you all you ‘I don’t even wash my hands get having a shit’

OP posts:
KnowledgeableMomma · 30/12/2023 22:30

Is it gross? Yes. Could it cause someone to get sick? Also yes.

But should that 1 fact ruin the way you see him? No. You say he is an equal partner, in fact, just based on what you wrote, he shoulders even a higher burden than you. He is around through the stress of the children's difficulties, cares for them while your work,a and even does the cooking?! You said you are lucky and ADORE him. Get off your high horse, have a level-headed conversation with him in the morning after apologizing, and come to an agreement on him washing his hands or using hand sanitizer after using the restroom.

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 22:30

YANBU to be throughly grossed out by his lack of hygiene. Is it a danger to your DD as you said she has physical health conditions? You could ask the Dr to print off a hand washing hygiene sheet to give to him next time he goes in for an appointment. If he won’t hear it from you, maybe a Dr needs to tell him he is endangering his DD.

I do agree with the don’t argue after drinking a bottle of wine. It’s best to have a conversation when you are sober and have your wits about you.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 30/12/2023 22:31

How did this come up? Was it flung at you in an argument or just general chit chat?

If he really doesn’t wash his hands after going to the toilet, that’s disgusting and I would also be repulsed by that. Add on the food prep and it’s even worse. He should be washing his hands before food prep regardless.

Hermittrismegistus · 30/12/2023 22:31

Absolutely disgusting. I'd never eat anything prepared by him again.

There is no excuse for not washing your hands after using the bathroom.

whatevss · 30/12/2023 22:32

Best leave it till tomorrow. But, yes, I'd think this was a massive "fuck you". Why else would he tell you?

IAmAnIdiot123 · 30/12/2023 22:32

MaryHinges · 30/12/2023 22:28

It's grim but probably not worth a blazing row over at bed time. Talk to him in the morning and explain how gross it is that he prepares food for other people without washing his hands after a shyte. It's not very hygienic but I'm more baffled you've never noticed until now. I would definitely have noticed the towels all being bone dry every day after he took a crap.

Really? Our towel is always dry, I normally dry my hands on my jeans 🤣

User69371527 · 30/12/2023 22:32

Well… it’s grim but do you have an excessive number of tummy bugs? I’m guessing not

5128gap · 30/12/2023 22:33

Is that what he actually said? Because if so, he's telling you this as an act of aggression. It's like spitting in your tea. When you're sober, you need to have a conversation about why he is so angry and what is to be done about it.

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 22:33

fatpord · 30/12/2023 22:29

Yes I get that. And believe me the pressure on both of of us if is horrible. I can’t hardly drag myself out of bed most mornings. And I can understand if he’d want to walk away. But don’t you think that revelation is a ‘fuck you’ to us all? ‘You know when I cook for you all you ‘I don’t even wash my hands get having a shit’

I don’t see how it is a “fuck you” you are taking this way too personally. It is more likely to be due to how his parents raised him. I have worked with the children of hoarders and they literally cannot see mess, they have no idea how to clean, and they haven’t the first clue on hygiene. Obviously, his childhood was not that extreme, but parents can still fuck up their kids in minor ways. The fact your son is agreeing with him means it’s likely a generational passed down from his parents to him and from him to his son as he has been the primary caregiver raising your children.

AffableApple · 30/12/2023 22:33

Another poo thread, eh?

SENDhelp2023 · 30/12/2023 22:33

Go to bed and see how yiu feel in the morning. Ps its minging

YoureALizardHarry11 · 30/12/2023 22:34

How did that subject even come up for him to tell you?
How would you waking up in the morning help the situation by making you see it differently?

Not washing your hands after using the toilet is disgusting regardless of whether you’re sober or drunk! The thought turns my stomach.

If he means you blew up about it and need to calm down then yeah, I can understand him thinking you’ve reacted like that because of alcohol, but you’re still not wrong on your point! 🤮 Why would an adult not wash their hands?

Esmerelda2024 · 30/12/2023 22:35

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Frazzledmummy123 · 30/12/2023 22:35

It is disgusting yes, and I'd be repulsed. However, I'd be interested in hearing how this conversation came about and what prompted this revelation? Unless he said it after being questioned after leaving the loo too quick after flushing, it almost sounds like he said it for attention or to deliberate irk you?