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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My whole perception of my husband has changed

50 replies

fatpord · 30/12/2023 22:20

My husband and my son has said they’re not going to talk about it with me until the morning, as I’ve had a bottle of wine, so they might be right and I might my over reacting, but please hear me out. My family is stressful, I can’t even tell you how bad it is. My son has mental health issues and my daughter has physical health problems. The way it works is I work from 8am to 6pm and my husband works shorter hours but is around to handle my son’s mental health and daughters struggles while I work. I honestly thought he was the bees-knees up until today. Please help me put this in perspective and tell me AIBU
He just said he doesn’t wash his hands after ‘a poo’ and preparing our meals
i mean, god, I’ve always appreciated that he was the one that prepared and did all the meals and how lucky we all were but I honestly can’t cope with this revelation. To me it’s disgusting and really ‘fuck-you-ish’.
I’ve always adored him and everything about him but tonight I actually thought, my god, this person I thought I knew, is absolutely disgusting. After my wide-mouthed response to his revelation and him going to bed as I’m not fit to comment until the morning (he may be right of course)
please any I am being unreasonable is truly appreciated

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 30/12/2023 22:36

OP, you don't write as if you are drunk and beyond reasonable discussion.

chopc · 30/12/2023 22:36

Could it be possible he was joking? Because if he wasn't, that revelation is so out there, it doesn't fit with being a normal member of society

StBrides · 30/12/2023 22:36

KnowledgeableMomma · 30/12/2023 22:30

Is it gross? Yes. Could it cause someone to get sick? Also yes.

But should that 1 fact ruin the way you see him? No. You say he is an equal partner, in fact, just based on what you wrote, he shoulders even a higher burden than you. He is around through the stress of the children's difficulties, cares for them while your work,a and even does the cooking?! You said you are lucky and ADORE him. Get off your high horse, have a level-headed conversation with him in the morning after apologizing, and come to an agreement on him washing his hands or using hand sanitizer after using the restroom.

I'm not quite sure what my resp9nse is yet but I think its along these lines.

It's grim as hell but I bet he doesn't see it as an issue of respect. It doesn't bother him so why would it bother you (kind of thing)? And if nine of you are getting ill then he probably thinks it's not worth getting worked up about

Having said that, I'd want to know he starts washing his hands properly. Don't know how you convince him though...a UV light to show the dirt (does that even work)?

MaryHinges · 30/12/2023 22:37

IAmAnIdiot123 · 30/12/2023 22:32

Really? Our towel is always dry, I normally dry my hands on my jeans 🤣

Show quote history

Get out of my house right now! 🤣

Doteycat · 30/12/2023 22:38

He's sending a v clear message isn't he?
I cook but by fuck I resent every bit of it and it's a real fucking power trip knowing every time you eat, I have one up on you.
He's disgusting and I'd have him out of the home for putting our health at risk.
Caregiver my hole.

whatevss · 30/12/2023 22:38

Agree that this is an act of aggression.

There are various reasons people don't wash their hands, but fewer reasons for anyone to admit it.

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 22:40

I am 100% positive his lack of handwashing predates meeting you OP, so it’s not a message to you or a personal fuck you and so on. It’s an engrained habit, most likely from childhood.

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 22:40

whatevss · 30/12/2023 22:38

Agree that this is an act of aggression.

There are various reasons people don't wash their hands, but fewer reasons for anyone to admit it.

So he should have lied?

AuntySueDoesntGiveAShit · 30/12/2023 22:41

What was the context of this revelation? Were you having an argument?

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 30/12/2023 22:43

Hi all,

We're getting a few reports about this thread. The OP has been around a few years now, has no obvious links to previously banned posters and their posting history is pretty consistent. We can't guarantee that anyone is genuine, unfortunately, but we don't have any concerns here.

Sorry to interrupt your thread, OP 💐

whatevss · 30/12/2023 22:43

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 22:40

So he should have lied?

Show quote history

No, he would have lied.

DuckyShincracker · 30/12/2023 22:44

You could drink the best part of a bottle of tequila and you still be winning the argument. How dare he shut you down in such a disparaging way when he's completely and utterly in the wrong. Disgusting behaviour.

LaughingCat · 30/12/2023 22:46

I mean, it’s gross, of course it is. Not sure I’d say that it would alter my entire perception of a man I adore, so I would flip 180 degrees and say he’s now the most disgusting. It’s just gross and thoughtless. If I found put my other half didn’t wash his hands after a number two, I’d be more ‘ewwww…please could you wash them from now on - it’s really important to me.’

But it’s not ‘cheated on me with my sister’ or ‘likes backstreet dog fights’. Just a bit…immaturely teenagerish?

Emptyheadlock · 30/12/2023 22:47

Wipe your fanny on his pillowcase.

Howbizzare22 · 30/12/2023 22:56

E-coli poisoning anyone? Fucking disgusting and genuinely dangerous. I can’t believe people on here seem to think she is overreacting purely because she had drank wine. I wouldn’t want him to cook for me again 🤮

Akeevah · 30/12/2023 22:57

Unacceptable. Shows his pure contempt for your family. Disgusting behaviour.

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/12/2023 23:01

Note how many men are still doing up their flies when they come out of the toilet and they tells you all you need to know

Original poster
fatpord · 30/12/2023 23:05

tbh I don’t know how the conversation came about. My son (with ocd) said something about contamination and after he’d gone upstairs, my husband said well I don’t even wash my hands after going to the toilet. I said ‘what a poo??’ And he said no, I don’t even wash my hands after going a poo!’ Honestly it’s was like ‘aye, and fuck you, all along I’ve never washed my hands and I prepare your meals! (Obviously this is my take on it) But I’m not talking to you you’ve had a bottle of wine! I’m so confused. Is he resentful? And Christ knows I am. But I thought we we partners in this shitfest of a life.

OP posts:
Thementalloadisreal · 30/12/2023 23:07

He is deliberately endangering your children’s health. Outrageous.

Panaa · 30/12/2023 23:44

fatpord · 30/12/2023 23:05

tbh I don’t know how the conversation came about. My son (with ocd) said something about contamination and after he’d gone upstairs, my husband said well I don’t even wash my hands after going to the toilet. I said ‘what a poo??’ And he said no, I don’t even wash my hands after going a poo!’ Honestly it’s was like ‘aye, and fuck you, all along I’ve never washed my hands and I prepare your meals! (Obviously this is my take on it) But I’m not talking to you you’ve had a bottle of wine! I’m so confused. Is he resentful? And Christ knows I am. But I thought we we partners in this shitfest of a life.

It doesn't sound like a fuck you.
More like he's annoyed out about the OCD and concerns about contamination so he was saying well I don't wash my hands after the toilet and nothing bad has happened has it?

Pinkyponker · 30/12/2023 23:47

I honestly feel I'd have reacted the same as you. That's absolutely disgusting 🤢

I wash my hands after the toilet and then again before I even start cooking. Surely that's just basic hygiene and common sense.

ChellyT · 30/12/2023 23:50

Sorry @fatpord but he is foul! 20 seconds it would take! I heard my adult son with his young one (much to my delight) say every time you take a piss or a dump you wash your hand with soap, do you hear me?

ManateeFair · 30/12/2023 23:55

Bit grim but you’re massively overreacting.

WingingItSince1973 · 31/12/2023 00:58

Absolutely gross and no need for such lack of hygiene! I look after my dcs with special needs and mental health issues but I still wash my hands thoroughly. Imagine all the places he's touched around the house. But also where is his self respect? He must feel manky!

Vegetus · 31/12/2023 04:13

Doteycat · 30/12/2023 22:38

He's sending a v clear message isn't he?
I cook but by fuck I resent every bit of it and it's a real fucking power trip knowing every time you eat, I have one up on you.
He's disgusting and I'd have him out of the home for putting our health at risk.
Caregiver my hole.

How do you lot come up with this stuff? You don't know anything about him other than a paragraph which casts him in a good light but with a disgusting having.

Newsflash for you.... A lot of men are vile and most of them aren't clever enough to plan not washing their hands as some form of punishment.

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