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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Almost 16 year old staying at boyfriend's

70 replies

onanislandfaraway · 30/12/2023 20:17

Oldest DD is 16 in 2 weeks time, she's been with her BF 10 months. They often hang out at each-other's houses, getting picked up just before bedtime. She wanted to go there tomorrow, I said I would want to pick her up a bit earlier so we can relax and have a drink afterwards. She then showed me a video her BF sent her of his mother saying that she was very welcome to stay the night and that she is OK with this if I am. We've not actually properly met his mother but we take it in turns to pick up and drop them off and DD is fond of her. I think just his mam and sister will be there and his best friend until midnight as he lives next door.

She asked me if she could stay over his a few months ago but we said no. But now she's been with him a bit longer and is 16 very soon, I really don't know what to do. DP not really happy with it but he was heading out the door when I mentioned it so not spoken with him properly about it yet. We were exactly one year older and it was also NYE when I was 16 almost 17 when I first stayed at DP's so feels a bit mean saying no when we did the same at similar ages. Although one year younger is a big difference at that age. She said they could stay in separate rooms but I wouldn't bet my life on that happening. Help me decide mumsnetters!

OP posts:

haveacat · 30/12/2023 20:41

TBH I would not be comfortable with it. Your DP doesn’t sound as if he is either. 😬

Original poster

onanislandfaraway · 30/12/2023 20:42

Sorry, so for voting I guess:

YABU for not letting her stay there

YANBU for not letting her stay

OP posts:

Poorlycatadvicewanted · 30/12/2023 20:47

Nope, not a chance in hell. And I say that as someone who's been with their dh since I wad 16 years old too.

Hellocatshome · 30/12/2023 20:47

Personally I would let her. If they arent having sex already they very soon will be. If you haven't already which I really hope you have give her the consent talk and the safe sex talk, buy some condoms, let her know she can call you at any time and you will come and get her no questions

neveradullmoment99 · 30/12/2023 20:49

Absolutely no way!

neveradullmoment99 · 30/12/2023 20:50

I say this of a mother of a 15 year old boy and a nearly 17 year old girl.

Thementalloadisreal · 30/12/2023 20:51

Hellocatshome · 30/12/2023 20:47

This

anxhappy · 30/12/2023 20:51

I would allow her.

neveradullmoment99 · 30/12/2023 20:52

I am very open with my boy and talk frequently about safe sex and being responsible but if they have sex, it could be unprotected or just using a condom which to me , isn;t safe enough!

bzarda · 30/12/2023 20:53

I stayed at my boyfriends at 15 and we did have (safe) sex. It was a better environment to lose my virginity compared to where most of my friends did - park's, cars, bushes etc.
I think as long as you have both spoken about consent and she is on contraception and has access to condoms it's fine. I'm glad my mum let me stay over and I did feel able to speak to her about anything at the time. If she hadn't of let me stay we would have just found another way and it wouldn't have been nearly as safe.
However I'm just thinking from my own perspective... my little girl is too young for all this yet but I'm sure the same as you when her time comes!

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 20:54

Slightly different but I am digging heels in not allowing dd's bf staying here.. She fessed up last he doesn't sleep on the sofa when she stays there as had claimed. She is 17. Him 15 and a half. And a very young 15.Cant believe his dm has encouraged her to stay over for months. Under 16 none negotiable here...

AlwaysGinPlease · 30/12/2023 20:54

Better they do it there than god knows where! Just make sure she knows she doesn't have to have sex and that they need to practice safe sex.

Original poster

onanislandfaraway · 30/12/2023 20:57

I've bored her senseless with talks about consent and safe sex many times, she's already on the pill to help with her periods and is very good at taking it on time.

OP posts:

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 21:00

It's imo about rules and boundaries.. How will you stand firm about drugs or alcohol if you relent about under age sex?

jacks11 · 30/12/2023 21:00

Personally, I think you need to examine why you feel uncomfortable about it. In quite a short time, where I live she could get married without your consent, leave school and get a job, move out of the family home whether you liked it or not, or even join the army with permission- what I’m getting at is that she is rapidly getting to an age where she can make decisions and needs to be trusted to do so (unless or until she gives you a reason not to).

Are you uncomfortable with her staying over because you worry about them having sex? If so, I think assuming that they will only have sex at night and in bed is fairly naive. I think unless you are closely supervising their time together (only in communal rooms, not alone in bedroom) if they want to be sexually active, then they probably already are. And if they aren’t, but want to be, then they will find a way. Unless you think your daughter id being pressured into something she does not want, then I think you have to let her make her own decisions regarding her own body.

Or is the issue that you don’t know the boyfriend’s family/where she will be? Again, unless you have good reason then if you are happy for her to be there during the day, you probably should be ok overnight (and if she has a phone she has a way of contacting you).

I guess, I’d be ok with this.

randomstress · 30/12/2023 21:01

I wouldn't agree to this and I have dc this age.
I don't expect to stop them having sex but I'm not going to create an environment for a very involved relationship either.
I want my dc spending time with friends, studying for their exams and living a rounded life.
Not getting too involved with a sexual partner. I think they are too young for that yet.

Jifmicroliquid · 30/12/2023 21:01

I’m guessing they might already be having sex. I would let her (but Chuck her a pack of condoms before she goes!)

Saggypants · 30/12/2023 21:05

The thought of a 2nd teenage male there until midnight (presumably after the adults have gone to bed) would make me feel less comfortable with the idea.

Poorlycatadvicewanted · 30/12/2023 21:05

I agree with @randomstress I've been with my dh 16 years, since I was 16. The first few years where so intense and the relationship consumed me! We where obsessed with each other. And looking back, it wasn't healthy! We are lucky we have a good marriage. But I don't want that for my DC if possible!

Housebuyer37 · 30/12/2023 21:07

I waited until I was 19 to have sex and the circumstances were not what I would want for my daughter. If a 16 year old is in a loving relationship and seems to have a sensible head on her shoulders then I would be inclined to consider allowing it.

Vigility · 30/12/2023 21:17

I remember staying at my boyfriend’s house when I was 16 (nearly 17), he was the year above me at sixth form. We were certainly not having sex! I was too embarrassed thinking that his parents were thinking that’s what we were going to do!! So don’t assume that they will.

OP, I think I’d hold off until she was actually 16 - delaying tactics!

stomachameleon · 30/12/2023 21:19

@Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob but you are allowing it but saying she can sleep with a 15 year old (and a young 15). You are complicit even though it's not under your roof.

Original poster

onanislandfaraway · 30/12/2023 21:24

I wouldn't say i'm naive to the fact that they don't need a bed for all that, me and her dad certainly didn't! But I think maybe I could be naive to how I think she is when she's with her friends/BF compared to when she's with us.
What I mean by that is although she's mature and has her head screwed on, I do think she's a little more innocent than I was, she's never come home drunk, never given me any trouble to be fair, very different to how I was! I don't believe she has gone the full hog yet, she says she hasn't, and says that it's not about that, she just wants to spend time with him, but of course I could be completely wrong! And it will happen sooner or later anyway.

They are left alone sometimes either here or at his house in the day so I do wonder what the difference is. But then, like a few others have mentioned, it sets a different tone to the relationship when they start sleeping in the same house.

She's known the friend next door all through school and they often all bother together but yes it is another thing to take into account and something that her dad probably won't like at all.

OP posts:

givemestrength9 · 30/12/2023 21:29

Let her stay ! build trust if u have educated her in consent safe sex etc u have done most the hard work ! Its hard because there you babys but its just apart of growing up
Like another poster said and i agree id rather my daughter be somewer safe and comfortable to do the deed than in a park bush etc
And whos to say they will even do it !

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 21:30

I can't really stop her when I didn't even live at home at her age. She has accepted my principles. His dm has fallen in my estimations...

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