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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Almost 16 year old staying at boyfriend's

70 replies

onanislandfaraway · 30/12/2023 20:17

Oldest DD is 16 in 2 weeks time, she's been with her BF 10 months. They often hang out at each-other's houses, getting picked up just before bedtime. She wanted to go there tomorrow, I said I would want to pick her up a bit earlier so we can relax and have a drink afterwards. She then showed me a video her BF sent her of his mother saying that she was very welcome to stay the night and that she is OK with this if I am. We've not actually properly met his mother but we take it in turns to pick up and drop them off and DD is fond of her. I think just his mam and sister will be there and his best friend until midnight as he lives next door.

She asked me if she could stay over his a few months ago but we said no. But now she's been with him a bit longer and is 16 very soon, I really don't know what to do. DP not really happy with it but he was heading out the door when I mentioned it so not spoken with him properly about it yet. We were exactly one year older and it was also NYE when I was 16 almost 17 when I first stayed at DP's so feels a bit mean saying no when we did the same at similar ages. Although one year younger is a big difference at that age. She said they could stay in separate rooms but I wouldn't bet my life on that happening. Help me decide mumsnetters!

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 30/12/2023 21:31

"She's never come home drunk" is quite a low bar. As is "oh well it will happen sooner or later anyway."

Jesus Christ. She's a 15-year-old child. Do some parenting. It's your job to keep her out of situations that are too advanced emotionally, mentally and socially. We all remember being horny at age 15 but curbing those impulses is your job.

There is no way I would condone overnights until the teen was over 18. Pregnancy, STD, premature emotional involvement, etc. etc. aren't worth it.

LaurieStrode · 30/12/2023 21:32

randomstress · 30/12/2023 21:01

I wouldn't agree to this and I have dc this age.
I don't expect to stop them having sex but I'm not going to create an environment for a very involved relationship either.
I want my dc spending time with friends, studying for their exams and living a rounded life.
Not getting too involved with a sexual partner. I think they are too young for that yet.

Well said, randomstress.

At this age a child should be focusing on socialization with friends, their education, outside interests and hobbies. Not hanging out in bedrooms with boys.

sliceofapple · 30/12/2023 21:36

I think the talk about safe sex isn't the only one to have. The other talk is what would she do if her period is late? Would she come to you and tell you? How soon would she take a pregnancy test? What would she do if she was pregnant? Does she understand the different options open to her if she is pregnant? Keep the baby, have the baby adopted, terminate the pregnancy. If she decides to terminate a pregnancy does she understand that depending on how many weeks along she is the options change? Those are the follow on questions. This is the talk you need to have.

And it would be a no from me until we have had this talk. I have sons, they know they have absolutely no say in what a woman does with her body and we have had this talk, repeatedly. My friend is a midwife, a 16 year old girl gave birth and the 16 year old Dad held their child and the reality of what they had done really hit home. These are adult relationships and come with adult responsibilities.

Helpimfalling · 30/12/2023 21:40

Hell no, once you let them stay once, that's it.

I have boys and I wouldn't be letting them, high end of 17 Nearly 18 possibly, but no way not 15.

My 16year old has a girlfriend and I wouldn't be letting her sleep over here either as I know her parents wouldn't be comfortable and neither would I.

Mumof2teens79 · 30/12/2023 21:40

I would ask for separate rooms
Her staying over is unlikely to make any difference to whether they are or are not already having sex, but that doesn't mean you have to condone them sharing a room.
If you trust her to visit you should trust her to stay over but separate rooms sets your expectation out.

Mumof2teens79 · 30/12/2023 21:43

jacks11 · 30/12/2023 21:00

Personally, I think you need to examine why you feel uncomfortable about it. In quite a short time, where I live she could get married without your consent, leave school and get a job, move out of the family home whether you liked it or not, or even join the army with permission- what I’m getting at is that she is rapidly getting to an age where she can make decisions and needs to be trusted to do so (unless or until she gives you a reason not to).

Are you uncomfortable with her staying over because you worry about them having sex? If so, I think assuming that they will only have sex at night and in bed is fairly naive. I think unless you are closely supervising their time together (only in communal rooms, not alone in bedroom) if they want to be sexually active, then they probably already are. And if they aren’t, but want to be, then they will find a way. Unless you think your daughter id being pressured into something she does not want, then I think you have to let her make her own decisions regarding her own body.

Or is the issue that you don’t know the boyfriend’s family/where she will be? Again, unless you have good reason then if you are happy for her to be there during the day, you probably should be ok overnight (and if she has a phone she has a way of contacting you).

I guess, I’d be ok with this.

Agree with this 👆

Original poster
onanislandfaraway · 30/12/2023 21:44

LaurieStrode · 30/12/2023 21:31

"She's never come home drunk" is quite a low bar. As is "oh well it will happen sooner or later anyway."

Jesus Christ. She's a 15-year-old child. Do some parenting. It's your job to keep her out of situations that are too advanced emotionally, mentally and socially. We all remember being horny at age 15 but curbing those impulses is your job.

There is no way I would condone overnights until the teen was over 18. Pregnancy, STD, premature emotional involvement, etc. etc. aren't worth it.

Someone mentioned about where this could lead, like drinking and drugs and I was just thinking out loud of how she's never done any of the things I did at her age. That's the only reason I mentioned that. Well she's 15 yes, but it 2 weeks she's old enough to be able to do a lot of things that adults can do and I wouldn't be able to stop her. There's parenting and then there's being overbearing and I do think not letting her until she's 18 is a bit much. I was on holidays abroad with friends / DP before that age and then had a child and a mortgage at 19. You can't wrap them in cotton wool, that's extremely naive to think we can keep teens away from any situations that seem a bit too 'advanced' for them.

OP posts:
Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 21:46

I didn't say it could lead to drink and drugs - but how would you enforce those boundaries if dc see you blurring lines for other rules...?

Moonshine5 · 30/12/2023 21:49

Hard no

Original poster
onanislandfaraway · 30/12/2023 21:50

But that's completely different issues surely? The thing is, I have been putting these boundaries in place but one day I'm going to either have to say yes or she'll do it anyway, I'm just wondering whether now is too soon and that does seem to be the general consensus on here.

OP posts:
Mumof2teens79 · 30/12/2023 21:51

OP....if you are uncomfortable and would rather she xame home you are absolutely right to do that...I am just saying allowing her to sleep in the same building to avoid a late night or drink driving is also perfectly reasonable and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

Zanatdy · 30/12/2023 21:56

If she’s on birth control yes, but I’d still have a chat about safe sex and consent (did when DS got his first Gf).

Thementalloadisreal · 30/12/2023 21:57

LaurieStrode · 30/12/2023 21:31

"She's never come home drunk" is quite a low bar. As is "oh well it will happen sooner or later anyway."

Jesus Christ. She's a 15-year-old child. Do some parenting. It's your job to keep her out of situations that are too advanced emotionally, mentally and socially. We all remember being horny at age 15 but curbing those impulses is your job.

There is no way I would condone overnights until the teen was over 18. Pregnancy, STD, premature emotional involvement, etc. etc. aren't worth it.

Over 18 is an adult so they don’t require your permission anyway.

It is not OP’s job to “curb” her daughter’s feelings, it’s her job to guide her through them safely and with understanding of her independence.

Universalsnail · 30/12/2023 21:58

I would let her and I would make sure she has condoms and you've had a good conversation about consent, which she will probably squirm about but oh well.

The fact is if they are going to have sex they are going to have sex. Better to be open about it and make sure she understands about contraception then them sneaking around with no guidance. They might not even be having sex yet but it'll happen whether you let her stay or not

Universalsnail · 30/12/2023 22:01

I would also make it clear to her if she wants to come home even if it's in the middle of the night to just call and you'll come and get her.

CrikeyMajikey · 30/12/2023 22:03

I think I have a very similar situation on the horizon. BF is 16 and DD 3 months from being 16. I would allow the sleepover as a one off or on special occasions but wouldn’t allow regular/weekly sleepovers until after their GCSE’s in June 2024.

I read a thread oh here a year ago about how old you were when you lost your virginity. A lot of ladies had just done it at 17 to ‘get it over with’. It made me feel really sad for them. I’d much rather DD be a little underage but in a lovely relationship than just ‘get it over with’ with some meaningless dude.

DD have spoken about sex on several occasions, condoms are freely available in the bathroom. I honestly don’t think she is ready yet, but we’re definitely prepared.

Chlobo89 · 30/12/2023 22:04

Yes i would let her, what different does two weeks really make? I moved out as soon as i turned 16 to live with my boyfriend. I find it mad how controlling some parents are, the more you try and keep them locked up the quicker they will escape as soon as they have the chance.

Teaandtoast12 · 30/12/2023 22:04

I agree as much as I wouldn’t be overly keen I do agree you probably are better to let her as like others have said, they will find other ways anyway and there’s going to be other people there until midnight anyway

Weedoormatnomore · 30/12/2023 22:05

I would though I would emphasis it is not going to be a regular thing till she is older.

KnowledgeableMomma · 30/12/2023 22:06

Yeah, that's a big fat NO from me if my 15-year-old daughter asked the same thing. You also said you don't really know BF's mom/parents. Bigger no from me. I think another poster put it very nicely.....I'm definitely not going to make it an easy environment for my daughter to potentially open the door to emotional stress of a very young sexual relationship, potential pregnancy, something going wrong, etc.

Ducksurprise · 30/12/2023 22:08

neveradullmoment99 · 30/12/2023 20:52

I am very open with my boy and talk frequently about safe sex and being responsible but if they have sex, it could be unprotected or just using a condom which to me , isn;t safe enough!

So you think a woman should be medicated?

Onelifeonly · 30/12/2023 22:09

I think given she is almost 16 and they have been together a while, that I'd be inclined to say yes. Realistically a lot of girls will have already had sex at her age and it sounds like she is clued up about protection, consent etc. To me it's ideally a bit young for a serious boyfriend but you're past that point now.

Original poster
onanislandfaraway · 30/12/2023 22:10

Some interesting perspectives. I definitely wouldn't let it be a regular thing certainly not while she's still in school. We have 2 other little ones so was just hoping to have a quiet little drink at home but maybe that's not a good idea if she did go just incase she wants to come home, so that's another thing to think about.

OP posts:
coffeandrteav · 30/12/2023 22:11

Universalsnail · 30/12/2023 21:58

I would let her and I would make sure she has condoms and you've had a good conversation about consent, which she will probably squirm about but oh well.

The fact is if they are going to have sex they are going to have sex. Better to be open about it and make sure she understands about contraception then them sneaking around with no guidance. They might not even be having sex yet but it'll happen whether you let her stay or not

I agree with this. Mumsnet infantiles 15-18 range then miraculously expects kids to be adults at 18. There is a trusting nuance guidance needed in the middle.

Only have to look at a few threads to see this in action.

Multipleexclamationmarks · 30/12/2023 22:26

Dd is 15 and her bf stays over occasionally in the spare room. He doesn't live locally.
I don't see a big problem with it, you either trust them to be safe or you don't.
My dd has said they're not having sex yet, I believe her, she's no reason to lie but if they were I'd rather they were here and safe than out in a park somewhere.

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