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Original poster

Almost 16 year old staying at boyfriend's

70 replies

onanislandfaraway · 30/12/2023 20:17

Oldest DD is 16 in 2 weeks time, she's been with her BF 10 months. They often hang out at each-other's houses, getting picked up just before bedtime. She wanted to go there tomorrow, I said I would want to pick her up a bit earlier so we can relax and have a drink afterwards. She then showed me a video her BF sent her of his mother saying that she was very welcome to stay the night and that she is OK with this if I am. We've not actually properly met his mother but we take it in turns to pick up and drop them off and DD is fond of her. I think just his mam and sister will be there and his best friend until midnight as he lives next door.

She asked me if she could stay over his a few months ago but we said no. But now she's been with him a bit longer and is 16 very soon, I really don't know what to do. DP not really happy with it but he was heading out the door when I mentioned it so not spoken with him properly about it yet. We were exactly one year older and it was also NYE when I was 16 almost 17 when I first stayed at DP's so feels a bit mean saying no when we did the same at similar ages. Although one year younger is a big difference at that age. She said they could stay in separate rooms but I wouldn't bet my life on that happening. Help me decide mumsnetters!

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 30/12/2023 22:57

onanislandfaraway · 30/12/2023 21:44

Someone mentioned about where this could lead, like drinking and drugs and I was just thinking out loud of how she's never done any of the things I did at her age. That's the only reason I mentioned that. Well she's 15 yes, but it 2 weeks she's old enough to be able to do a lot of things that adults can do and I wouldn't be able to stop her. There's parenting and then there's being overbearing and I do think not letting her until she's 18 is a bit much. I was on holidays abroad with friends / DP before that age and then had a child and a mortgage at 19. You can't wrap them in cotton wool, that's extremely naive to think we can keep teens away from any situations that seem a bit too 'advanced' for them.

Show quote history

"I was on holidays abroad with friends / DP before that age and then had a child and a mortgage at 19."

Well, that explains a lot. Is that what you want for her?

LaurieStrode · 30/12/2023 22:59

Multipleexclamationmarks · 30/12/2023 22:26

Dd is 15 and her bf stays over occasionally in the spare room. He doesn't live locally.
I don't see a big problem with it, you either trust them to be safe or you don't.
My dd has said they're not having sex yet, I believe her, she's no reason to lie but if they were I'd rather they were here and safe than out in a park somewhere.

you either trust them to be safe or you don't.

Or, you actively parent, because their teenage brains are not yet sufficiently developed to make life-altering decisions.

Mumof2teens79 · 30/12/2023 23:03

LaurieStrode · 30/12/2023 22:59

you either trust them to be safe or you don't.

Or, you actively parent, because their teenage brains are not yet sufficiently developed to make life-altering decisions.

Show quote history

What about this scenario is NOT actively parenting?
Teen has a BF, teen spends time with BF. Parent has given teen knowledge and skills to be safe when with BF....BF stays in SPARE room occasionally.

Lollypop701 · 30/12/2023 23:21

I would… you either trust her and her reasoning skills or you don’t. She will make her own decisions about sex with him. So empty house for half hour etc . if he is her choice and she is aware of the consequences she will make it in her own time… wether .at 15.11 or 16. It’s hard to accept our children are having sex but it’s life. Consent, Communication and safety are key. You know your daughter op

RolyPolyBatFacedGirl · 30/12/2023 23:26

I would want to speak to his mum in person, I'd stress to her that this isn't going to be an every weekend thing and I'd ask her to let me know if there was any issues at all

And then - under the circumstances you describe, I'd probably let her

doggiedude · 30/12/2023 23:27

My children had their boyfriend and girlfriend for sleepover. I took the view that consent is the priority which it clearly was . My mandate was that they were respectful…can honestly say I never heard any noise!!!

Original poster
onanislandfaraway · 30/12/2023 23:32

LaurieStrode · 30/12/2023 22:57

"I was on holidays abroad with friends / DP before that age and then had a child and a mortgage at 19."

Well, that explains a lot. Is that what you want for her?

Show quote history

Do you have teenagers LaurieStrode?

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 31/12/2023 12:23

Ducksurprise · 30/12/2023 22:08

So you think a woman should be medicated?

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Well condoms break, pregnancy happens! What a stupid response, seriously.

neveradullmoment99 · 31/12/2023 12:26

I fell pregnant at 18. I was on the pill and my mum found out and was horrified and came off it. Although it all worked out in the end for me and I wouldn't have it any other way and neither would my mum, she was full of regret.
When my 17 year old is at that stage, I will be talking contraception.

ohdamnitjanet · 31/12/2023 12:33

jacks11 · 30/12/2023 21:00

Personally, I think you need to examine why you feel uncomfortable about it. In quite a short time, where I live she could get married without your consent, leave school and get a job, move out of the family home whether you liked it or not, or even join the army with permission- what I’m getting at is that she is rapidly getting to an age where she can make decisions and needs to be trusted to do so (unless or until she gives you a reason not to).

Are you uncomfortable with her staying over because you worry about them having sex? If so, I think assuming that they will only have sex at night and in bed is fairly naive. I think unless you are closely supervising their time together (only in communal rooms, not alone in bedroom) if they want to be sexually active, then they probably already are. And if they aren’t, but want to be, then they will find a way. Unless you think your daughter id being pressured into something she does not want, then I think you have to let her make her own decisions regarding her own body.

Or is the issue that you don’t know the boyfriend’s family/where she will be? Again, unless you have good reason then if you are happy for her to be there during the day, you probably should be ok overnight (and if she has a phone she has a way of contacting you).

I guess, I’d be ok with this.

All this, I would want to meet his dm for a coffee though. I’m pretty ancient now but most of my peers were having sex around 15 / 16, you can’t stop them, and at least you know it’s not a casual relationship and they are safe and looked after. They will have slept together by now anyway.

ellie09 · 31/12/2023 12:39

I would let her stay.

As long as you have had conversations about consent, typical sex talks, and you have mentioned that she is already on the pill etc. Even if that did happen, there isnt really a risk of pregnancy.

My mum didnt let me stay over at my first boyfriends house. We still managed to have sex - a lot. It wouldnt have made any difference if I was staying the night or not. And I was 14 as an FYI.

I had a similar conversation with my mum recently with my younger sister who is almost 17 and wanted her boyfriend to stay over on xmas night. My mum didnt take heed of what I said, but she must be living in lala land if she thinks they're not having sex.

Original poster
onanislandfaraway · 31/12/2023 19:02

We've let her stay, her dad said this morning that if she's not giving us any reason not to trust her (and she's not) then we should give her some leeway. I was surprised as it's usually a no from him but I think she's proving how mature she is lately in other areas and he knows she's growing into a young lady and we need to allow her some freedom.

She said she'll be sleeping in his room and he'll be in the living room and that I can confirm this with his mother and to be honest that was enough for me, I haven't rang his mother to confirm because I'm trusting her. And I think it is important to show her that I trust her unless she gives us reason not to. I mean it could all back fire and she'll be up the duff and wanting to be married before she's finished her GCSEs like a few on here think she'll be destined for but I'll take the risk. She's so much more sensible than I was at her age and even we've done ok for ourselves despite the teen pregnancy and holidays @LaurieStrode

OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 31/12/2023 21:14

neveradullmoment99 · 31/12/2023 12:23

Well condoms break, pregnancy happens! What a stupid response, seriously.

Show quote history

It isn't a stupid response. The pill has consequences for the woman. It also isn't 100% effective.

Ducksurprise · 31/12/2023 21:15

Op, I think you have handled this realistically. The fact you can talk to each other is so important.

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 31/12/2023 21:34

randomstress · 30/12/2023 21:01

I wouldn't agree to this and I have dc this age.
I don't expect to stop them having sex but I'm not going to create an environment for a very involved relationship either.
I want my dc spending time with friends, studying for their exams and living a rounded life.
Not getting too involved with a sexual partner. I think they are too young for that yet.

Yes this. Just because they might be having sex doesn't mean you need to show total support for the idea at 15.

neveradullmoment99 · 31/12/2023 22:37

Ducksurprise · 31/12/2023 21:14

It isn't a stupid response. The pill has consequences for the woman. It also isn't 100% effective.

Show quote history

Well there are limited choices.

neveradullmoment99 · 31/12/2023 22:38

Was on it ultimately for 28 years

LorlieS · 31/12/2023 22:43

@Ducksurprise What contraception would you suggest then?

TooBusyGazingAtStarss · 31/12/2023 22:48

Saggypants · 30/12/2023 21:05

The thought of a 2nd teenage male there until midnight (presumably after the adults have gone to bed) would make me feel less comfortable with the idea.

I agree with this unless she has a friend there with her or the parents are still up.

MumofSpud · 31/12/2023 23:51

I wouldn't want them to rely just on condoms

My DD was a v similar age and I made sure she knew about contraception etc

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