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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just have a time out from work ? For a year or so?

68 replies

palmerstree · 30/12/2023 11:24

I'm running on empty.

I have two preschool kids, a husband who is self employed and has very long hours and a full time job which requires me to travel quite a bit. I work from home most of the time, but I need to travel every couple of months it seems. That wasn't the arrangement at interview stage.

In any case, I'm not really having much fun in my job either. I'm stressed out a lot about my performance, as it's a target driven job. I'm not on target but neither are my colleagues. Management is starting to make things tighter and tighter around us and it's becoming quite horrible really. I'll have been in the role for a year in May.

Because I'm so stressed and basically handling everything alone with the kids ( they both go to nursery full time ), I'm just letting myself go. I have no time for exercise and really anything for myself and it's really starting to show in the way I look.

I've always been quite into dressing up and my looks and now I'm overweight and I can't wear anything other very loose clothes. I look absolutely disgusting. That's just the superficial part of it, without taking into account what it's doing to my health. I just can't catch a break.

I also suffer from a long term neurological condition which can cause disability in quite a lot of cases. I'm OK at the moment but I'm absolutely knackered tbh. The condition causes severe fatigue which I suffer from. I had a relapse in September as things were just too much. It's also really important that you stay physically strong and healthy for later when you have a condition like this and I just can't do it all. I can't work full time in this stressful job, do everything for the kids and house and also be very active at the gym etc. I just don't have it in me.

My H is really trying to build something with the business and he can't really do more at home tbh.

Would it unreasonable for me to pack in my job for a bit and really really focus on being healthy / losing weight. I would keep my oldest in nursery full time as she's nearly school age and is really thriving there. My youngest, who's under 2, I would still keep in nursery 3 days a week / or every day for a few hours. This way I could focus on myself and my wellbeing.

Financially, of course if I work it's better but we can easily afford for me not to work. I could always try going back in a year or finding a more chilled role. But I feel right now, I need to put my health first.

OP posts:
Original poster
palmerstree · 30/12/2023 11:46

I know I could look for another job etc but that also requires a lot of energy that I just don't have at the moment.

Another option would be to talk to my current job about going part time. But I would worry this would still be a lot for me. But it could be a start.

I don't know if they'd be open to it, but I could try.

OP posts:
GeneCity · 30/12/2023 11:46

Yes, you can afford it, so go for it.

FreeAdamsApples · 30/12/2023 11:53

What would you rather look back on at the end of your life? Wishing that you'd got into an even worse state by trying harder to stay in the job or being glad that you took the time out to look after the most important person therefore being able to give more of yourself to your loved ones and hopefully having some enjoyment from your life?

Original poster
palmerstree · 30/12/2023 11:56

FreeAdamsApples · 30/12/2023 11:53

What would you rather look back on at the end of your life? Wishing that you'd got into an even worse state by trying harder to stay in the job or being glad that you took the time out to look after the most important person therefore being able to give more of yourself to your loved ones and hopefully having some enjoyment from your life?

That's what I'm thinking at the moment.
But I've always been quite career driven, so it's a scary concept. But at the same time, it doesn't mean I can never return. I do want to return in some shape / form. But the way things are now, I just can't do it and look after myself at the same time.

OP posts:
Wisenotboring · 30/12/2023 11:59

Does your employer have any sabbatical opportunities? Let's do and it sounds like a year or so to re-group would be very helpful. When I had 3 young children I took a few years out as I just knew I couldn't meet everyone's needs and work too. It was a really positive opportunity and absolutely the right thing to do. I genuinely though all chance of career progression had passed me by. After a while I was desperate to work again and returned part time. I then applied for an amazing FT opportunity and got it. I now have a really good work life balance but have also got the career progression I wanted. My children are older and so need me in different ways. Family will always come first and I am.so thankful for the privilege of being able to choose what to do with work at different times in life. If you have that opportunity, I would take it and enjoy chance to improve your health and be more present for your family.

Trickleg · 30/12/2023 12:00

Do it. Reset yourself.

HottestEverRecordedTemperature · 30/12/2023 12:01

I did exactly this. Slightly different because my older DS was very mentally ill and I had no capacity to support him as my job (solicitor) was literally making me suicidal. I quit 'for a year' as we could take the financial hit.

It made everything much better. DS1 got back on track. I got back on track. Our family life was a million times better. I could put alot of support into DH who was working all the hours. I pretty much do everything at home and our free time is proper free time. I see home and the children as my job.

It's been 4 years now. I and we have never been happier. The past 2 years I have done ad hoc work in areas that interest me. Just for fun and a bit of extra cash. I did 6 weeks admin for a different firm. I do temp receptionist work for a rival firm about 3 months of the year as holiday cover. I have done some some editing work and some admin work at the Dcs school. Just if something comes up and it interests me I do it.

Financially- well we have less disposable income. That is just a fact. That is starting to become noticeable with COL and all that and we have dipped into savings. But it's not forever and I am keeping up my professional development. I will start to think about 'what next' in 2024.

If it is possible then I recommend it. But do look for another job. Take a breather then go on to something that is better for you.

Switcher · 30/12/2023 12:03

My husband did this. Yes, it works and he's much happier, not sure about the kids though. Just be prepared not to go back, as it's hard to then set up a different childcare routine when there's a SAHP. As a result of him being at home I've now taken on a lot more work, which would also be hard to unwind.

rainydaysandwednesdays · 30/12/2023 12:04

Leave the job, sounds awful.

Spend some time with your children, that could be the tonic. FT nursery can't be good for them either. I know some people have to (I did with my eldest and regret it deeply) but if you have the means to have them at home more with you then that's good.

Good luck x

dontwannbeouting · 30/12/2023 12:08

It sounds like you've already made up your mind to me. Just make sure you pay into your state pension for that year if you can, other than that yes I'd say do it. I've never taken time out from work so can't comment on how that is but I did change careers and that helped a lot.

EdgarsTale · 30/12/2023 12:10

100% go for it. I did similar & it helped massively. Your health & wellbeing are the priority.

KnickerlessParsons · 30/12/2023 12:13

We'd all love to quit work and focus on ourselves, but for most of us, that really isn't practical.
You'll be putting a hell of a burden on your DH if he becomes the sole provider for the family and he may need to work even longer hours to make the business successful. What if the business fails?

I think you sound quite selfish tbh. Perhaps DH might like to give up work too? But you're taking that choice away from him.

You need to have a talk with DH. Perhaps he could reduce his hours and take a bit longer to achieve his goal of a successful business?

I could never imagine myself being totally reliant in DH in the way you are proposing.

SeattleSpacePlane · 30/12/2023 12:14

After you've been employed by the company for a year you're entitled to 4 weeks of unpaid parental leave per child, every year (up to a max of 18 weeks total per child I think it is).

Might be worth bearing in mind - 8 weeks off work is a good amount of time to rest, refocus, consider things before leaving.

Dh did this when he was burnt out and considering a career move. He took 12 weeks off (we have 3 dc) and it really helped a lot.

It's not a request they can decline either (although they can adjust the dates you propose if they need to). But the 4 weeks per child, per year is a statutory leave entitlement. Lots and lots of people are unaware of it.

snowlady4 · 30/12/2023 12:17

Try it.. see if it works for you.. you can always go back or get another job.
Maybe a part time job would work for you? Or even voluntary somewhere for a bit?
Will you be fulfilled enough if you don't have any job at all? (I would!- just some people need work in their life!)
Could you speak to work about it? Would they give you a few months unpaid leave?
Also, you might consider talking to your GP.. make sure you're not depressed. They will sign you off with stress if it's appropriate.

Original poster
palmerstree · 30/12/2023 12:18

KnickerlessParsons · 30/12/2023 12:13

We'd all love to quit work and focus on ourselves, but for most of us, that really isn't practical.
You'll be putting a hell of a burden on your DH if he becomes the sole provider for the family and he may need to work even longer hours to make the business successful. What if the business fails?

I think you sound quite selfish tbh. Perhaps DH might like to give up work too? But you're taking that choice away from him.

You need to have a talk with DH. Perhaps he could reduce his hours and take a bit longer to achieve his goal of a successful business?

I could never imagine myself being totally reliant in DH in the way you are proposing.

He's fine with it. I don't think it's selfish. I suffer from a chronic illness that will probably leave me in a wheelchair when I'm in my 50s. Being physically strong and fit now, will help me as I get older and my disease progresses.

If I had more of a 50-50 situation at home, things would be easier. There are a couple of businesses, so not all is hinging on one thing anyway.

OP posts:
GorblimeyTrousers · 30/12/2023 12:28

It sounds very much like you can’t just slog it out now because you could make your illness worse. You need to preserve your health as best you can.

Latewinter · 30/12/2023 12:30

Do it OP. It's an investment in your health and future career.

Latewinter · 30/12/2023 12:32

KnickerlessParsons · 30/12/2023 12:13

We'd all love to quit work and focus on ourselves, but for most of us, that really isn't practical.
You'll be putting a hell of a burden on your DH if he becomes the sole provider for the family and he may need to work even longer hours to make the business successful. What if the business fails?

I think you sound quite selfish tbh. Perhaps DH might like to give up work too? But you're taking that choice away from him.

You need to have a talk with DH. Perhaps he could reduce his hours and take a bit longer to achieve his goal of a successful business?

I could never imagine myself being totally reliant in DH in the way you are proposing.

Wow.

Helar · 30/12/2023 12:32

Go for it. Your health is the most important thing, and your family needs you.

Squiblet · 30/12/2023 12:34

Absolutely do it. There's nothing "selfish" about it. You're not going to spend a year lying on a beach drinking Pina coladas. You'll be looking after the family and supporting everyone, including yourself - and you matter too!

You are more than your salary.

Original poster
palmerstree · 30/12/2023 12:43

At the moment I feel like I'm failing everyone and also failing myself.

OP posts:
Notsosleepingbeauty · 30/12/2023 13:02

I’m in a similar boat @palmerstree as I have two disabled kids and I’m worn out working four days a week. If your DH is happy to take the financial load maybe it’s time to step back from paid work for a while.

HungryandIknowit · 30/12/2023 13:05

If you can afford it I would do it for your health, not your looks. Imo health is #1 priority.

UsingChangeofName · 30/12/2023 13:14

I think it depends on what your job / career is.
"Just having a time out from work for a year or two" might work better for some jobs than it does for others.

In many careers, working PT would make more sense, as once you step away (and, if you do, it is never going to just be one year, is it?) then you lose your registration or contacts or confidence or current knowledge and experience.

Of course if you are doing something unskilled, this is less of a concern.

However, I worry about the pressure on your dh if he is trying to get a new business off the ground and then suddenly becomes the sole income.

wombats78 · 30/12/2023 13:20

I did rely on my DH like this and it's worked fine. He was supported in his job, which was difficult and I could look after myself better. It would need an essay to explain why and wouldn't suit everyone but it worked for us.

I did all sorts of things, which have proved financially beneficial and we're all healthier as a result. Stopping working for others isn't always terrible, sometimes it works out really well.