To just have a time out from work ? For a year or so?

[palmerstree]

I'm running on empty.

I have two preschool kids, a husband who is self employed and has very long hours and a full time job which requires me to travel quite a bit. I work from home most of the time, but I need to travel every couple of months it seems. That wasn't the arrangement at interview stage.

In any case, I'm not really having much fun in my job either. I'm stressed out a lot about my performance, as it's a target driven job. I'm not on target but neither are my colleagues. Management is starting to make things tighter and tighter around us and it's becoming quite horrible really. I'll have been in the role for a year in May.

Because I'm so stressed and basically handling everything alone with the kids ( they both go to nursery full time ), I'm just letting myself go. I have no time for exercise and really anything for myself and it's really starting to show in the way I look.

I've always been quite into dressing up and my looks and now I'm overweight and I can't wear anything other very loose clothes. I look absolutely disgusting. That's just the superficial part of it, without taking into account what it's doing to my health. I just can't catch a break.

I also suffer from a long term neurological condition which can cause disability in quite a lot of cases. I'm OK at the moment but I'm absolutely knackered tbh. The condition causes severe fatigue which I suffer from. I had a relapse in September as things were just too much. It's also really important that you stay physically strong and healthy for later when you have a condition like this and I just can't do it all. I can't work full time in this stressful job, do everything for the kids and house and also be very active at the gym etc. I just don't have it in me.

My H is really trying to build something with the business and he can't really do more at home tbh.

Would it unreasonable for me to pack in my job for a bit and really really focus on being healthy / losing weight. I would keep my oldest in nursery full time as she's nearly school age and is really thriving there. My youngest, who's under 2, I would still keep in nursery 3 days a week / or every day for a few hours. This way I could focus on myself and my wellbeing.

Financially, of course if I work it's better but we can easily afford for me not to work. I could always try going back in a year or finding a more chilled role. But I feel right now, I need to put my health first.

I often took PT jobs or did self-employed work, it just depended on what was going and how I was coping. It's not all or nothing.

Sounds like a no brainer. You only get one life.

Yeah I think you're right. I could ask for part time or a sabbatical of some sort. I just don't want to look for a new job right now, whilst keeping my old one, as it will only add stress.

Realistically I won't quit for a few months yet anyway as I have projects I'm working on that I want to bring to an end and be paid for.

You should always put your health first. Without it you have nothing.

I hope it all works out for you OP 💐

As for the H businesses, it's less of a concern that those would fail and it's kind of pretty personal to explain the ins and outs of that. But it's not something we are worried about.

In terms of going back to work, I can see myself wanting to go back. I don't know how hard it will be, but I have a big network and some specific skills that mean I can get back in at a slightly lower level than I am now and it will probably not be that difficult to do.

Personally I would go for it, life is short!

But mumsnet is very anti SAHM so just make sure you don’t call yourself that. 🤣

I also say, go for it.
But if you think that you could cope with your job on a part time basis, propose it to your employer. Explain to him you are really not available to work Ft, so if they are willing to have you Pt, fine, if not, it's bye-bye.

Not having anything to lose makes for the best negotiations.

I am working part time from home, and am the only person in my conpany doing this, cause my employer valued me and would rather I work like this than hand in my notice.

But if you go part time, plan your days carefully - remember that the whole reason for this move is for you to have time for yourself! Do not get mum guilt and get your children out of Ft childcare, else you will be worse off than you are now, that is zero time for you and also earning less.

I really feel for you
I sometimes feel overwhelmed by single parenthood and working full-time, but I need my job as I'm not particularly self-disciplined.
I guess what I'm saying is, have a plan. Think about everything that's making you unhappy and what you'd do about it during your year off. There would be nothing worse than having nowt to show for it!
All the very best.

I'm quite surprised how many have been supportive. I don't aim to stay at home forever more. I just want to rebalance myself and find some happy medium. My youngest isn't even 2 yet and doesn't sleep through the night.

They're constantly ill and only I can cover those illnesses too. It's a lot and I don't like feeling like I'm failing at everything.

Yep, but self-esteem and wellbeing can be tied into how we look, and ultimately how we feel about ourselves.
They're not mutually exclusive.

According to this it is 18 weeks in total wi5 max 4 weeks a year, not 4 weeks every year! https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement#:~:text=Parental%20leave%20is%20unpaid.,unless%20the%20employer%20agrees%20otherwise).

I’d say go for it as long as you can afford it. I believe nursery funding/tax free childcare is reduced if one parent doesn’t work.

That doesn't really impact our situation anyway.

If you can afford it, then do it. Your health is the most important thing and your kids will benefit too from having you around more, they're only small once.

It sounds sensible, but firstly make sure your husband is on board and then either arrange a sabbatical or give yourself a clear timetable for returning to work, whether that’s full or PT. Eg 6 months off, 3 months to assess what you want, 3 months to find a new gig.

It’s important not to let it drift because unless your husband makes a ton of money it can cause a lot of resentment.

It’s sad that what you’ve described in terms of a full time job while trying to look after two young kids is the norm for so many people and is just completely un-achievable. I work for myself so have some flexibility but have to do really long hours and rarely have a day of the week fully off. I find I’m just ticking the absolute necessity boxes each day, making sure the kids are fed, clothes on them etc, I’m not spending much quality time actually playing with them and I’m certainly not able to fit in doing any form of hobby, exercise or skin care etc. I’m just running myself into the ground more and more each day. I reached the point before Christmas where my eye wouldn’t stop twitching and I think it was a mix of dehydration and stress. Life isn’t meant to be like this. Money is really the key thing in all of it as it’s effectively tokens to allow you to have freedom. If you have those tokens then go for it. Either that or go part time if it would be quite a stretch financially

If you can go PT then probably try that first?

He's definitely on board.

He makes good money. Not sure what you'd consider a tonne of money to be ?

I make good money as well, not peanuts, so my income helps our family too. It's a tough one.

100% go for it.

We don't lie on our death beds saying, 'oh I wish I had worked more and especially if it's affecting my health'.

We'll say, 'I wish I had spent more time with my family and having fun and not worrying about a stinking job!!'

I wish you luck in your new life ❤️

I did it about 5 years ago. Was feeling utterly burnt out in a job I hated, but didn't have the energy to look for something else. My Mum had just died after a long illness, and I just felt fucked off with all of it.

Quit my job, worked my notice and then just took 8 months off. I knew I had a decent wodge of cash coming in inheritance so wouldn't need to worry about money for a few years.

I took 8 months off completely from anything work related. Sorted out my Mums estate, did a load of DIY and decorating, got fit, and did some training to improve my coding skills for when I did start job hunting. Also took a lot of time off doing fuck all, a few weekends and day trips away, some with DP and DD, some alone.

COVID came along in the middle of it which was a bit of a kick in the teeth, and after 2 months of lockdown I was bored shitless so was about to start jobhunting when an old colleague phoned me up asking if I'd be interested in a job with a company he was consulting with. I started a couple or weeks later, basically feeling like a different person than I had 10 months earlier.

If you've got the money to do it and your partner is supportive of it, then I can't recommend it enough.

One thing I would say is have an excuse ready when you do go looking for another job. I'm looking for one at the mo and the gap in my CV has been mentioned a couple of times in interviews. I twist the truth a bit and tell them I took a year out to care for my ill mother, it sound better than "I was about to implode so had to quit my job"

Sounds like a good idea if you can afford it, although a shame to leave little ones in so much childcare if you don't need to to work. As a minimum I'd cut the eldest to preschool type hours at most.

Another option which can give you more choices later on is to keep working but go much more part time, like 2.5 days a week etc.

It can be harder to return to work later if you've stopped completely, and while of course in an ideal world you'd trust your husband to provide, plenty of men walk away and you are very vulnerable financially if you've been out of work a while yourself.

The older one just loves her preschool so much ! It's from 8:30-3. The details I can work out at a later stage but why take her out if she likes it there.

She'll be at school in September anyway.

Younger one, definitely needs to reduce hours.

I wonder how it is that most men manage to work full time with children and never consider stopping, but most women struggle? The issue has to be the split of work at home.

I guess in a lot of relationships, women still do the majority of the domestic and childcare, as well as working.

Also, often because of taking years off for maternity leave, women are worse off financially and on the career ladder. Men don't have any breaks because they've had babies, in general.

At that point, once the woman is back, her salary is often lower than the husband's salary and when combined with health problems etc, you do wonder if maybe a time out could help.

I also think it's difficult to have two big jobs at the same time whilst children are young, without relying on Nannies and cleaners to help out.

I've tried having nannies and it's not for me. I have a regular cleaner, which I will continue to have, even if I don't work for a while.

But yeah, men don't need to be out of work to actually have children so I think it affects everything, unfortunately. But it's rubbish. I wouldn't ask my husband to stay at home though, as the businesses are doing well. It's just time intensive at the moment. If I had a business that was doing very well and my husband was struggling instead in his job, then it would make sense for him to stay at home with the kids to have a break too.

And some men do go PT or self-employed to manage their workload. My DH did as soon as it was practicable. A lot of his colleagues did too, as the firm supported buying back holiday or working PT.