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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP grumpy with me for potentially changing NYE plans

58 replies

Livash · 29/12/2023 22:20

Name changed for this as potentially quite outing to friends who know our situation, I also need to give a little bit of back story to this.

Every year we (DP, our two DC and I) spend NYE at my MIL’s house, she’s mid sixties and alone. Divorced from DP’s dad when he was very small and never met anyone new in nearly 40 years, she lives around 45 minutes away and we always stop over. We never do anything other than eat a bit of a picky buffet and then stay up watching the TV, all going to bed as soon as we have seen in the new year. We do this because DP’s sister died around 15 years ago when she was in her early 20’s and her birthday was New Year’s Day so understandably DP does not want her to be alone. MIL and I are not close, I would say we tolerate each other and I am always polite, but I always feel incredibly uncomfortable stopping at her house so only do this on Christmas Day and NYE.

Now the issue at hand, my nanna is dying, she’s in her 90’s and has always had fairly okayish health until very recently, it’s been a tough couple of months but the last few weeks particularly difficult, she spent Christmas in hospital and we have been told this morning by the doctors and palliative care team that she only has a matter of days left. I have mentioned to DP that I don’t think I will be attending our usual plans at his mums on NYE, obviously we don’t know what will happen over the coming days but regardless I either need to be near home so that I can either be at the hospital or get up to the hospital quickly or when my nan passes I want to be here to be there for my DM who is heartbroken at the thought of losing her mum.

DP has gone in a grump with me and is annoyed about the whole situation. I have suggested a number of options (he go to MIL’s with DC and I stay home - no he wants me to be with them to see in the new year. We all stay home and then he go over to MIL’s early NYD to spend with MIL either with DC or without - no he doesn’t want to do this). He basically wants nothing to change this year and although he has been incredibly supportive the last few weeks feels that we should stick to our usual plan for MIL.

AIBU to expect a little flex given the circumstances?

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2023 22:24

Of course you are not unreasonable. I'd be staying home as you suggested. Send your MIL a message saying you're sure she understands and you'll wish her a happy new year asap but right now you want to support your mum.

Your dp is bringing a hypocrite.

But he can't force you to go so you just have to calmly stand your ground

CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2023 22:24

Being not bringing

Lollypop701 · 29/12/2023 22:25

not ok op, he needs to support you right now. His mum is not the centre of the universe, she is part of it

reverse it, ask him how he would feel if his mum was passing and you demanded he go to your healthy parents for the day?

honestly this would be a line in the sand for me…

Soontobe60 · 29/12/2023 22:27

Can your MIL not stay at yours this year?

MrsRetriever · 29/12/2023 22:33

YANBU. I appreciate that new years must be difficult for your MIL and family but it sounds like you’ve put in a good shift over the years & it’s a one-off difficult situation. Your DH needs to suck it up, support you and DC as much as possible. Depending on ages of DC/if they want to see their great-nan/if your mum wants them around, he needs to accommodate that.

Eekmystro · 29/12/2023 22:37

He is entirely unreasonable. Very selfish actually. If can’t believe for years you’ve gone to MILS because of the bereavement of his sister and one year you want to stay home as you are likely to be bereaved he’s making you feel bad. That’s truly awful. I’d be furious if I was you. Maybe just tell him that you are staying home and he can choose what he wants to do. Don’t discuss it anymore

Tonight1 · 29/12/2023 22:38

He's being unreasonable. This year, for you, it is about your family. MIL can either come there or DH and kids go to MIL.

AnneElliott · 29/12/2023 22:40

He's BU. Agree that if it was his mother he wouldn't be expecting to go to your healthy parents!

You've given him a range of options - so it's up to him what he does but stand your ground

Charley50 · 29/12/2023 22:44

He's being completely unreasonable and a total knobber quite frankly.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 29/12/2023 22:48

I’d have to just be really tough with him. “For once, NYE won’t be about you and your mum. My Nan is going to die, just think about that. This isn’t about and since I have supported you and your mum for our entire marriage, you need to support me here. I will be staying home to be here for my family, you are welcome to go to your mum’s with the kids and I won’t hold any bad feelings about that or you are welcome to stay here, but only if you are supportive. I don’t want you here if you are going to behave like a sullen child.”

Shoxfordian · 29/12/2023 22:49

Yanbu, is he always this selfish?

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2023 22:52

I’m so sorry about your nanna 💐

You’ve been more than reasonable and he’s being extremely selfish. Stop discussing it with him and say you’re not going and he can strop all he likes but it makes him an arsehole.

I don’t know how old your children are but this sad situation aside, do they want to spend every NYE eating oven food with their gran? They and you matter too. It’s not just about DH and his mum. You could still mark his sister’s birthday with a lunch on NYD if you all want to but have a bit of actual fun on NYE. Maybe this year can break the cycle.

Vinrouge4 · 29/12/2023 22:56

He needs to grow up and stop being so selfish. Why doesn’t he go to his mum’s without you? Does he always need such a hand hold.

TeaGinandFags · 29/12/2023 22:58

You're not being unreasonable.

Call your MIL and explain the situation. She should inderstand and if she doesn't, well, your needs need to be met as well as your Nan's. It's a case of same boot, different foot.

Original poster

Livash · 29/12/2023 23:27

Soontobe60 · 29/12/2023 22:27

Can your MIL not stay at yours this year?

I’m afraid not, for a number of reasons…

MIL doesn’t drive, nor will she get the train, it would require one of us (DP) driving to pick her up and then bring her back to ours, then taking her home the next day.
We don’t have the space, the limited occasions where she does stay we have to sleep downstairs on the sofas or an air bed in the living room. DP has a bad back and knee, and to be totally honest after spending all day sitting on a hard plastic chair at my nannas bedside (today) I want to sleep in my own bed.
She refuses to eat meals at our house so we can’t pick her up till after dinner and then because of arrangements with family for NYD (mass, grave visit, family over to reminisce) she would need to be home early in the morning, see point 1 regarding her not driving.
I don’t particularly feel in the mood for entertaining at the moment, I would be in the kitchen making endless cups of tea, providing biscuits, chocolates, crisps etc. although DP does do his fair share of this, she will wait for the moment I get up to go to the loo etc and specifically ask me to do it.

OP posts:

Topee · 29/12/2023 23:36

Your husband is being totally selfish and unreasonable. As sad as it is, his sister died 15 years ago and whilst morning is a continuous process, her life has been remembered and celebrated since she passed. Your nanna is still alive and you deserve to spend what time she has left with her. I’m so sorry for the loss you are about to experience, treasure your last moments with her.

Original poster

Livash · 29/12/2023 23:36

Thank you all for your replies, I really do appreciate them.

DP is not usually this selfish, he is mostly a very kind and supportive man, he has my back when MIL comes out with sometimes batshit comments etc. and he has been my rock the past couple of weeks taking on the lionshare of Christmas prep and childcare leaving me to spend precious time with my family. His sisters death hit him and MIL incredibly hard, it was unexpected in very tragic circumstances, they don’t mark the day she passed so I feel this is why he’s being a bit of a dick about this particular situation because it changes what he is used too.

I like the suggestion of stating this is what I am doing, you do as you please but I will be at home regardless, if I am completely honest I do not have time nor the patience for his childish sulk.

OP posts:

Original poster

Livash · 29/12/2023 23:46

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2023 22:52

I’m so sorry about your nanna 💐

You’ve been more than reasonable and he’s being extremely selfish. Stop discussing it with him and say you’re not going and he can strop all he likes but it makes him an arsehole.

The last part of this message really resonated with me. Children are pre teen and pre school, the youngest doesn’t really have any issue he gets to see grandma and is usually in bed well before midnight. The eldest dislikes it, she would prefer to be celebrating with some of our family friends who have DC around similar ages and host a NYE party each year at home, but she is also old enough to understand why we do it and that sometimes we have to do things we don’t particularly enjoy.

OP posts:

OneMoreMyWay · 29/12/2023 23:55

sometimes
It's not sometimes if it's the same every single year. It's EVERY time.

LaurieStrode · 30/12/2023 00:05

She sounds inflexible and lacking in empathy. Her family's long-ago tragedy still trumps current losses? F that.

Stand your ground and use this year as a turning point to cast off that one-way yoke.

If she were a decent person she'd be asking how to help you.

And Ive zero tolerance for that "won't take the train " bullshit. It's 2023 not 1863.

Bestyearever2024 · 30/12/2023 00:06

Your MIL is mid 60s? It sounds like she's mid 80s. Very stuck in her ways.

I'd break the NY routine this year and then go to MIL every NYD for lunch from next year

Your DH can do what he likes, of course

5foot5 · 30/12/2023 00:07

She refuses to eat meals at our house so we can’t pick her up till after dinner

I know this isn't the subject of the post, but wow! That sounds like a whole load of back story just there.

So sorry for your family situation.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 30/12/2023 00:09

You're not being unreasonable.
Fwiw, I also lost my sister suddenly when she was 21. For the first few years, we'd go down (it's not NYE but another holiday she died), and be with my parents, but gradually we all behan to do different things and began to be able to celebrate again.
Your family needs you this time around, and you've been there for him every year. You're also not saying you don't want him to go, just that you need to be with your nana.
I get the need to mark every year, but I also firmly believe that all being sat together and unhappy is very morbid and not very healthy. Plus not at all what our sisters would want!
Stick to your plan. The NYE plans sound terrible and I don't imagine your kids want to be at that either.

Tonight1 · 30/12/2023 00:12

Right, that's settled then. You stay put, try to explain (again) to DH that you need to be there for your nana and mum.

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2023 00:12

Livash · 29/12/2023 23:46

Show quote history

I say break the cycle, you can’t do this forever more, it’s not fair on you or your kids. Stay home this year so you’re on hand for your grandma, just in case.

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