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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP grumpy with me for potentially changing NYE plans

58 replies

Livash · 29/12/2023 22:20

Name changed for this as potentially quite outing to friends who know our situation, I also need to give a little bit of back story to this.

Every year we (DP, our two DC and I) spend NYE at my MIL’s house, she’s mid sixties and alone. Divorced from DP’s dad when he was very small and never met anyone new in nearly 40 years, she lives around 45 minutes away and we always stop over. We never do anything other than eat a bit of a picky buffet and then stay up watching the TV, all going to bed as soon as we have seen in the new year. We do this because DP’s sister died around 15 years ago when she was in her early 20’s and her birthday was New Year’s Day so understandably DP does not want her to be alone. MIL and I are not close, I would say we tolerate each other and I am always polite, but I always feel incredibly uncomfortable stopping at her house so only do this on Christmas Day and NYE.

Now the issue at hand, my nanna is dying, she’s in her 90’s and has always had fairly okayish health until very recently, it’s been a tough couple of months but the last few weeks particularly difficult, she spent Christmas in hospital and we have been told this morning by the doctors and palliative care team that she only has a matter of days left. I have mentioned to DP that I don’t think I will be attending our usual plans at his mums on NYE, obviously we don’t know what will happen over the coming days but regardless I either need to be near home so that I can either be at the hospital or get up to the hospital quickly or when my nan passes I want to be here to be there for my DM who is heartbroken at the thought of losing her mum.

DP has gone in a grump with me and is annoyed about the whole situation. I have suggested a number of options (he go to MIL’s with DC and I stay home - no he wants me to be with them to see in the new year. We all stay home and then he go over to MIL’s early NYD to spend with MIL either with DC or without - no he doesn’t want to do this). He basically wants nothing to change this year and although he has been incredibly supportive the last few weeks feels that we should stick to our usual plan for MIL.

AIBU to expect a little flex given the circumstances?

OP posts:
SleepingBeautySnores · 30/12/2023 00:14

Your DH is being appallingly selfish in my opinion OP! You've spent every Christmas Day AND New Year's Eve with his DM who you don't even particularly like, for the last goodness knows how many years, and yet he can't bring himself to change this for just ONE occasion, when you really need his support? He should be ashamed of himself! In your shoes I would tell him that I will be staying at home for New Year's Eve this year, in order that I can be close by for my Nan and DM when the inevitable happens. He can go to his DM's by all means, but he might also begin to give some thought to his daughter, who while up until now, has been happy to spend time with her Nan on NYE, may well be itching to go and have fun with her own friends on NY'sE in the future, as she's no longer a child but edging toward becoming a teenager.

Then, once it's all over and things have had time to settle a bit, I'd be inclined to have a conversation with him about his inflexibility at a time when you really needed him, and him starting to prepare for his preteen to want to start breaking away from these family traditions as she gets older. Hopefully then by next NYE, he'll have had time to reflect, and maybe take a fresh look at things.

Finally, sending my sympathy at this difficult time, and hoping that your DH sees the light, and realises that he needs to put YOU first for once.

TerrysChocolateOrange · 30/12/2023 00:17

I suspect from the grave etc., comment that you are in Ireland ?

If you are cut the apron strings this year, because MAMMY will only become narkier and narkier as the years progress.

I have lived this culture, so I am not being nasty.

Honeyroar · 30/12/2023 00:21

You must absolutely put yourself and your Nan first. He is being very unreasonable and thoughtless. I can see it’s a difficult time for his mother, and she’s had some bad things happen in her life, but you can’t be blackmailed into sacrificing your lives to entertain her every single year. I fell into that habit with my mother, and didn’t have a decent New Year for years. Now I’m caring for her, and everything still revolves around her. Sometimes you have to look at the big picture too - the spouses and children suffer too when you martyr yourself. He needs to step back a bit.

itsmylife7 · 30/12/2023 00:29

You and the children don't need to be part of this anymore.

Let this be the year to break "their " tradition.

Sounds like your husband doesn't want to be alone with his Mum.

sorry to hear about your Granny.

Bex5490 · 30/12/2023 18:18

Sorry to hear about your Nan OP.

Agree that this cycle needs breaking. You also mentioned that you go there on Christmas as well. Does that have to be every year too because she refuses to eat at your house? which in itself is bloody rude…

It might be your DH’s responsibility to his mum to do this and as her grandchildren, your kids might choose to take this on but for you your Mum and Nan take priority especially at a time like this x

BurbageBrook · 30/12/2023 18:36

YANBU. It musf be very hard for your MIL but DH could surely go over by himself and see his mum on NYD if it's about honouring the anniversary.

pickledandpuzzled · 30/12/2023 18:42

Livash · 29/12/2023 23:46

The last part of this message really resonated with me. Children are pre teen and pre school, the youngest doesn’t really have any issue he gets to see grandma and is usually in bed well before midnight. The eldest dislikes it, she would prefer to be celebrating with some of our family friends who have DC around similar ages and host a NYE party each year at home, but she is also old enough to understand why we do it and that sometimes we have to do things we don’t particularly enjoy.

Show quote history

Training her up nicely in submission then. Don’t get me wrong, I understand your position, but she’s being lined up to put her own needs last like so many other women on MN. Before you know it she’ll be married to a man with a needy mum, his own challenges, and she’ll be catering to all and sundry.

Bournetilly · 30/12/2023 18:45

YANBU you are not stopping your DH taking your DC and it’s not like you are changing the plans to go to a party etc. Your husband needs to be more understanding.

Original poster
Livash · 31/12/2023 18:16

Just back with a bit of an update. My nanna passed away early this morning, it was peaceful, we were all there and she wasn’t in pain.
DP apologised last night and said we would deal with whatever came when it happened. As it happens today he has really been my rock, when I came home this afternoon he had already told MIL given the circumstances none of us would be going over tonight, he went out early this afternoon brought dinner and all our favourite drinks and snacks, made a full blown family time plan for this evening which consists of board games, films and our Christmas PJs. Ran me a bath with baileys hot choc (my nannas favourite) when I got home and he’s now cooking dinner.
I think I have monumentally pissed MIL off as she has not text or called either me nor DP but her sister (DP’s aunt) has already text me to offer her condolences and the only way she would know is from MIL telling her. Ahh I don’t care anyway, the last few days have been tough enough without getting bogged down with MIL drama too!

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 31/12/2023 18:19

@Livash 💐 for your nana.

Glad DH is staying there and being lovely.

Topee · 31/12/2023 18:25

I’m sorry for the loss of your Nana, lovely that you were all able to be with her and that her passing was peaceful.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 31/12/2023 18:29

I'm sorry for the loss of your nana. I'm so glad to hear your DH has stepped up to support and look after you today. Ignore and let your MiL have a hissy if she wants.

newoldfluff · 31/12/2023 18:32

This is awful. I'm so sorry. He can manage without you for one night. He's a grown adult.

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 31/12/2023 18:40

So sorry for you loss. Glad you could be with your Nanna and your family this morning, and your DP has come up trumps.

PonyPatter44 · 31/12/2023 18:51

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to be with your nanna at the end, and i hope that was a small comfort for you.

Well done to your DH for stepping up when it really mattered.

Bex5490 · 31/12/2023 19:18

So sorry for your loss. Glad you’ve got a lovely family to support you through this time xxx

margotrose · 31/12/2023 19:21

I'm so sorry OP. I'm glad your DH pulled through for you though Flowers

ALPHAFEMALESINCEBIRTH · 31/12/2023 19:44

once you told him what YOU have decided that's it end of, his thoughts and selfish wants doesn't trump yours

you as a adult has made(the right) a decision and are sticking to it

he can grump and tantrum all he wants

he's had this set up for so long he doesn't like it that this year its changing and doesn't care enough about your needs to change it this year
i would have tried it once and after realising i don't like it ,told my husband and wouldnt have gone back again

why did you go after the first time? his needs dont trump your uncomfortableness

SleepingBeautySnores · 31/12/2023 22:15

Like everyone else I would like to offer my condolences on the loss of your much loved Nana OP. I'm also over the moon to hear that when the chips were down your DH did the right thing. The next few days and weeks are bound to be hard for you and your family, so sending you a BIG MN hug!

Weenurse · 31/12/2023 22:26

So sorry for your loss 💐

CarrotCake01 · 31/12/2023 22:29

No, you're not being unreasonable. Stick with your gut.

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 31/12/2023 22:36

Sorry about your Nanna love, sounds like it was very peaceful and she was very well loved.

Blinkityblonk · 31/12/2023 22:44

Sorry for your loss as well. It sounds like your husband was caught off guard, but on reflection, and given your nanna's death, he's looking after you all just fine, which is great. Things do change over time as well and that's ok.

Daffyyellow · 31/12/2023 22:50

OP, so sorry to hear about your Nanna and so glad your Dh stepped up so caringly.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 31/12/2023 22:57

He's being a complete arse - I cant believe he is not getting that this cannot be a business as usual year.