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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd excluded from pictures

74 replies

Clioamia · 29/12/2023 21:20

I've been with my partner for 16 months, I'm 5 months pregnant and I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship, he has a 3 year old and 5 year old from a previous relationship.
His family have a tradition where on Boxing Day they all get dressed up and a pic is taken of all the cousins, now it's all the cousins kids too. He told me on the way there that they might ask DD to sit out of 2 of the pics. They did but they also did ones with her in.
So they did a pic with all the adult cousins, a pic with all the cousins and their kids (including DD and another stepchild), the same without DD and the other little boy. Then just the kids one with DD and one without.
It made me sad at the time but DD didn't care and he said they'd probably only use it if we broke up and once we've been together longer they won't have her step to the side for any pics.

Well today his mum and and aunt posted them on Facebook and both posted the pics without DD and the other little boy.
DD did get the same present wise etc. but really it feels like she's just not welcome in their family.

AIBU to be sad about this? Should I say something?

OP posts:
Fairydustandsparklylights · 29/12/2023 21:21

They included her in some of the pictures. It’s absolutely fine for them to have some without also - she isn’t their grandchild.

Conundrum12345 · 29/12/2023 21:23

I can't understand why it might be hurtful but they tried to include the two step children as much as possible. The mightnt have wanted to share pictures on Facebook of children that aren't currently related to them as it could offend biological grandparents.

I wouldn't say anything

BlackPhillipa · 29/12/2023 21:24

I don't think they've done anything wrong. You've only been together just over a year, and your DD isn't related to them.

I think it's fair they'd want some photos just of family.

olympicsrock · 29/12/2023 21:27

I think they did the right thing. You haven’t been together that long. Your daughter is not their family yet but hopefully will be in the future and they have her lovely gifts.

NotARealWookiie · 29/12/2023 21:28

I think this is the correct etiquette re social media - you don’t just post pictures of other peoples children online.

I see their point with the photo to be honest. Your relationship hasn’t been that long and you may not last. It sounds like they have gifts etc so I think you need to moderate your expectations.

AreYouThereDog · 29/12/2023 21:29

Maybe they know their son well and figure that there’s no point having a photo of your little girl when she may not be in their lives.

Aliceinunderland · 29/12/2023 21:30

Maybe they were worried about putting a photo of your DD online? I can see why you may feel hurt in the moment but overall they seem to make an effort to include her overall. Try not to dwell on it.

LolaSmiles · 29/12/2023 21:31

I think they did the right thing and did a combination of photographs.

Blended families are not the same as non-blended families. They have their own histories and different relationships.

People who choose to create blended family units need to accept that their decision to form a romantic relationship with someone, does not oblige their family to perform whatever role they demand regarding new partner's children from previous relationships.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 29/12/2023 21:32

They're clever.
Nothing more annoying than "being kind" and being landed with a family picture and memory you can't use.

You've been together 2 seconds. Statistics are against you. She isn't a GC and she isn't a cousin.

Give it a few more years and a bit more jewellery and then it may be appropriate

toomanyleggings · 29/12/2023 21:32

I think you are possibly expecting too much at this stage. I say this as someone in a blended situation. I know you may feel very involved at this point but they may not see it like that and in the grand scheme of things it is very early even given the baby on the way. Personally I probably wouldn’t have gone and maybe see how things are next year if you’re more established as a family.

GrazingSheep · 29/12/2023 21:32

What would you say? And who would you say it to ?

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 21:32

he said they'd probably only use it if we broke up

His family seem to have the measure of him.

They've only known your child for what, less than a year?

Hotchocolateand5marshmellows · 29/12/2023 21:33

Maybe they felt weird about sharing a photo of your child without your permission?

Whattodo112222 · 29/12/2023 21:33

I think you're expecting too much. She's not anything to do with them.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 29/12/2023 21:34

There are always people on here who think it is ok to exclude steps in pictures. I think it is really shitty to exclude anyone who was there.

Chickychoccyegg · 29/12/2023 21:35

I think his family have done the right thing, been kind to your dd and gave her gifts, but no included her in the family picture that's been shared, of course you and dp could split up, you've not been together very long, and they won't want pictures of a random child they briefly knew in the family picture if they do.

AMuser · 29/12/2023 21:35

I mean neither of you have exactly hung about moving on have you? That might have something to do with it.

You got pregnant 5 months ago less than a year into a new relationship with a what 18 month old by someone else. Is it all properly thought out. Do you know him?

toomanyleggings · 29/12/2023 21:37

Atethehalloweenchocs · 29/12/2023 21:34

There are always people on here who think it is ok to exclude steps in pictures. I think it is really shitty to exclude anyone who was there.

It’s her mother’s job to protect her. I don’t think the op should have put the child in this position.

SutWytTi · 29/12/2023 21:37

Some families are more inclusive of stepchildren than others. If this persists longer term I would keep all your children out of all photos.

PrimalOwl10 · 29/12/2023 21:37

The pictures are the least of your worries you both have very young dc and are now 5 months pregnant after a short relationship. That would be concerning you both make poor choices.

Shouldershoulder · 29/12/2023 21:38

You haven't been together for long so I think they are being cautious. Also, how many threads have there been, where an op is furious that pics of their children have been posted on social media without their consent.
They may also want to avoid people asking who the new children are.

mumsytoon · 29/12/2023 21:40

AMuser · 29/12/2023 21:35

I mean neither of you have exactly hung about moving on have you? That might have something to do with it.

You got pregnant 5 months ago less than a year into a new relationship with a what 18 month old by someone else. Is it all properly thought out. Do you know him?

Thought this too. And there's little ones on his side too. How confusing for all these children.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 29/12/2023 21:41

It’s her mother’s job to protect her. I don’t think the op should have put the child in this position.

Sorry, you dont think she should have gone to the event? I stand by what I said - it is shitty to exclude anyone present - steps, guests, etc - from a picture of the event. Relationships end - people you feel will be part of the family forever may not be around in future. It is mean to exclude people.

Guavafish1 · 29/12/2023 21:41

Seems fine. Your DD doesn't mind and she was not totally excluded from all photos or presents

Dishwashersaurous · 29/12/2023 21:41

If you were not pregnant it would be considered early ish in the relationship. Particularly with existing children.