Dd excluded from pictures

[Clioamia]

I've been with my partner for 16 months, I'm 5 months pregnant and I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship, he has a 3 year old and 5 year old from a previous relationship.
His family have a tradition where on Boxing Day they all get dressed up and a pic is taken of all the cousins, now it's all the cousins kids too. He told me on the way there that they might ask DD to sit out of 2 of the pics. They did but they also did ones with her in.
So they did a pic with all the adult cousins, a pic with all the cousins and their kids (including DD and another stepchild), the same without DD and the other little boy. Then just the kids one with DD and one without.
It made me sad at the time but DD didn't care and he said they'd probably only use it if we broke up and once we've been together longer they won't have her step to the side for any pics.

Well today his mum and and aunt posted them on Facebook and both posted the pics without DD and the other little boy.
DD did get the same present wise etc. but really it feels like she's just not welcome in their family.

AIBU to be sad about this? Should I say something?

The child is 2, I doubt she gives a fuck. She got included in some photos and not others, it won't occurred to her as to why.

The OP shouldn't have put her in the position where she now has a new man playing dad who she and the OP barely know, along with a new sibling on the way. Contraception really isn't that hard to work out.

@Atethehalloweenchocs no on balance I wouldn’t have taken my dc to this. I think these situations are very confusing for children.

Fast movers the two of you.

The family has handled the photo thing very sensitively I think. Given how young your existing children are on both sides and what a short amount of time you’ve been together no one’s pretending relationships last because they produce babies.

How often have they met your daughter? Do you and your boyfriend live together? She’s a baby, I’m sure she was happy with her gifts and getting to be in some photos. She’s not a step anything yet, it’s such early days. You’re obviously happy with the compressed timeline but you can’t force other people to adhere to the idea of a family that you have.

They aren’t cousins. This is your boyfriends biological family photos- it would be weird if you were all in them.

I take photos of my SDCs but I would never post them online. I’m not a fan of their mum but I wouldn’t want her to find a photo of her own children popping up somewhere, we have mutual contacts and it only takes one comment. If they are nice photos or from an occasion, I send them to DP so he can share if he wants to. And we’ve been together 10 years.

Your DD isn't this man's stepchild or a relation to anyone in this family though. It was nice of them to let her be in some photos but they were just being polite I'd have thought, to them your DD is just his new girlfriend's daughter and unlikely to be considered family no matter how quickly you got yourself pregnant 🤷‍♀️

@Atethehalloweenchocs
If you read the op’s post again she says her daughter was included in some of the photos. Her partner’s mother and aunt didn’t post those photos to Facebook which was the right thing to do. They may have thought that the op would rather protect her child’s privacy.

Sounds sensible family. They including your dd but protected the family too. You only be together a very short time. It be very strange if your dd was in all of them.

Definitely right with the social media thing. I never post my stepdaughters pictures online. Very much not my place. Perhaps they were just respecting you as their mum?

I get why you're upset but also if you're looking at it from their point of view, it makes sense too.

You've not even been together for a year and a half, its a relatively fresh relationship and your daughter isn't related to these people.

It's sweet that they've done things to keep her included in other ways though, I'm glad that she got to participate in the pictures and had some presents to open. I don't think they're actively trying to exclude her personally.

Photos are your concern?

I'm thinking more about these kids and the unborn child. They mustn't know if they're coming or going.

What a set up.

What a mess. Poor kids.

Very sensible . You both have young children and are having a baby together already!?? They’re just preparing for the worst.

@Hotchocolateand5marshmellows

well, that's easily fixed by text isn't it! Or asking at the time.

@Clioamia

45 years later I still feel the pain at being excluded like that. Mine was for slightly different reasons than your daughters. But doing the photos like that made the rest feel 'fake' calling us family, giving us presents etc all fake if when it comes down to you exclude us from family photos.

i was 8 though, so more aware than your DD.

if I were them I'd include your DD & the little boy in the photos. That's the current shape of the family. Other step children will appear, people will die(sad but true) family shapes change.

You got pregnant when you both had kids aged under three from previous relationships, I suspect they just see the writing on the wall here of such a rushed pregnancy

I have stuff in my fridge that’s older than your relationship. They have been kind to her and treated you both well, but the reality is, regardless of the fact that you are pregnant, your relationship is still pretty new and you have have both moved on pretty quickly from other relationships given the age of your various children, you’re not yet integrated into the family. Give it a few years and you should feel more at home.

Anytime you like, you can walk away with your DD and they’ll never see her again.

Why would she be in photos they will keep for generations, that show generations of family history?

It’s exactly the same as having a picture of just siblings at an event, no partners, perfectly acceptable.

@toomanyleggings

a party is a party to a 2 year old - they hardly stress over the guest list 🙄

It makes me cringe knowing I'm displayed on my daughter's great grans fireplace in a 16 year old picture when I split up with her dad 15 years ago. Life happens. I wish I'd stuck to my guns and stepped aside.

@JingleSnowmanTree party?

When I was 17, I had a boyfriend who turned out to be quite difficult and controlling. I wanted to break up with him but he kept convincing me not to (I was quite naive!). My first time meeting his family was at his brother’s wedding… I’m in all the family photos, at their complete insistence.

Split up two months later 😬

But they were included in some of the pics, just not all. Nothing wrong with wanting some photos of the blood related cousins only.

So, if I wanted a photo of, say, me with my own children at a family function, I couldn't then? Because some people might feel excluded?
How ridiculous.
You take a range of pics and use the ones you want for whatever reason.

You’ve been with their son for 5 minutes and are already pregnant. You have a 2 yo and he has a
3yo and a 5yo.

I can totally understand why they want to hedge their bets because your relationship may not last.

You and DP can fall into instalove with eachother but don’t expect your families to fall into instalove with you.

Perfect handling by the family, imo. They were very inclusive by giving your DD similar value presents, and including her in most photos. But they took some without her for social media or worst case scenario purposes, which is reasonable, given that your relationship is only a year old, .
And she's 2, not 12, so it's not like she'd notice or care.