Dd excluded from pictures

[Clioamia]

I've been with my partner for 16 months, I'm 5 months pregnant and I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship, he has a 3 year old and 5 year old from a previous relationship.
His family have a tradition where on Boxing Day they all get dressed up and a pic is taken of all the cousins, now it's all the cousins kids too. He told me on the way there that they might ask DD to sit out of 2 of the pics. They did but they also did ones with her in.
So they did a pic with all the adult cousins, a pic with all the cousins and their kids (including DD and another stepchild), the same without DD and the other little boy. Then just the kids one with DD and one without.
It made me sad at the time but DD didn't care and he said they'd probably only use it if we broke up and once we've been together longer they won't have her step to the side for any pics.

Well today his mum and and aunt posted them on Facebook and both posted the pics without DD and the other little boy.
DD did get the same present wise etc. but really it feels like she's just not welcome in their family.

AIBU to be sad about this? Should I say something?

I've been with my partner for 16 months, I'm 5 months pregnant and I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship, he has a 3 year old and 5 year old from a previous relationship.
and neither of you thought not having another so soon would be the best idea?! Ffs what a fucking mess. You dont even know him and you're having a child?! He should have only just been getting to know your dd at the point you got pregnant. What possessed you?!

You can't have been together that long and I'm presuming this is your first Xmas with your partner. They've included both you and your kid in the celebrations and a lot of the pics. I wouldn't be saying anything about what his mum posts on fb.....as for the aunt, youre just her nephew's new GF with a kiddie in tow.
They sound decent enough. I'm sure in time your kid will be an integrated part of the family. Maybe have a think about how you'd have felt if she'd have said Come and sit on Nannas lap....give it time. Its going well.

That's actually a very good point. Imagine if a pic appeared on FB saying Grandma's little angel.

Due to the miniscule gap between his youngest and the baby you’re expecting, maybe they’re hedging their bets.

@AreYouThereDog it’s awful that he was controlling, however a slight bit of karma that him and his family will have to live with forever 🥴 I must admit I have chuckled a few times knowing that my ex’s new partner, that you guessed it he cheated on me with, had to look at my face each time they went over to the grans house. NEVER again will I be in a ‘family’ picture

I think they're probably trying to be more considerate of your feeling here OP than you may realise. They've probably left your Dd out of the social media ones posted as they're unsure if you'd like/ approve of her face been splashed all over his family's sm when the relationship is in its beginning stages etc or just unsure of what your stance of it would be. Don't read to much into it, it seem like they're trying their best including her so far so don't go ruining it over nothing for now. If however they ever start to exclude her from stuff like you've mentioned gifts- so if they were to ever give her significantly less,, treat her like the 'other' when her sibling comes along etc then yes go nuclear on them as she's your priority.

I think they did the right thing. They gave your child similar gifts and took some pictures with her as well. I wouldn’t be posting pictures of an unrelated child on my social media. Even if you give your permission, I’ll still think the child has a dad who hasn’t given their consent so I certainly won’t be posting it.
. Also your relationship has gone quite fast within a short space of time so I can see why they want memories with their other grandkids without your child in case she’s not in their lives at some point in the future

I think they did a good job , you are pregnant really fast, I can see why they think it won't last. What on earth where you thinking with more than enough kids between you already?

Plus, at the rate that their son is creating single mothers, they’ll need a bigger venue if they include all the various step kids and half-siblings.

They hardly know you or your daughter. They included her in the activity of taking photos, and she's not going to be offended by what they post considering she's 2, they sound good to me.

Its fine - she's not a cousin and she's been included with everything else but they aren't wrong for wanting just direct children in a photo. I have food that has been in my cupboard longer than your relationship.

My son has cards from uncle X for various celebrations

Congratulations on the birth of your baby from Uncle X and Alice
Happy christening from Uncle X and Billie
Happy 1st birthday from Uncle X and Claire
Merry Christmas from Uncle X and Danielle

There's a reason none of them were in our family photos!

@toomanyleggings

boxing day
all the family
gifts

call it what you will, but a 2 yo won't be thinking through the list of people present & be getting confused by it

Im on their side !

She was included in the presents, that’s the main thing.

to be fair, you aren’t married to dp and your joint child isn’t yet born so couldn’t be in the photo. When s/he is born, perhaps your dd will be in the photos. I wouldn’t feel offended at this stage.

16 months is hardly any time. You may want to jump into relationships but it doesn’t mean your boyfriend’s family has to feel the same.

Given the time line involved and the fact that your child couldn't be considered his step child yet, I think they handled it very well.
If you're still together in two years and the relationship is solid, my answer will be different.

Your daughter is not related to them, and you have been dating their son for like, a minute and a half.
Give them a chance to catch up!

I feel really sorry for all the children in this set up. You’ve been with him 5 minutes and are already expecting another baby. Were three young children who’d already been through parental separation not the priority for you both?

Your daughter isn’t a cousin or a step-cousin. His family were more than gracious with the similar gifts she received. I don’t blame them at all for hedging their bets and getting some photos separately.

I wouldn't go making a song and dance about how they must post your picture online , but next year when the baby is here I'd be saying both your kids and in or out of the photos, or he goes alone with the baby. It's not fair to make a 3 year old feel she's some random outsider who's less important than her baby sibling
And I know step whatevers are under no obligation to even TALK to the step kids according to MN but it's a shit way to treat a 3 yo

She is 2. His other toddler is 3.

Yes but next year, what Sleepingstanding up is talking about, she will be 3.

And I know step whatevers are under no obligation to even TALK to the step kids according to MN but it's a shit way to treat a 3 yo
A bit of hyperbole there.
People tend to point out there's no obligation for someone's wider family to treat children identically in a blended family situation because a blended family is different. Most people understand that, especially adults who have maintained a healthy co-parenting relationship with their ex and family.

What I've noticed on here is that a lot of the issues with obligations being demanded of new partner's wider family seem to link to the involvement of the child's parent.

Eg. When a man has a relationship with a woman with children and the woman expects his family to treat her children from a previous relationship exactly the same as children from the new relationship, lots of "but we are a family unit" and lots of feet stamping about not doing family events unless DP makes his family jump, it's usually in situations where the woman's ex (child's father) has fucked off or is minimally involved, and his family aren't involved. They seem to think that because their new partner has chosen to play dad, his family have an obligation to step in and fill the gap from the child's paternal extended family.

In relationships where a woman is in a relationship with a man who has children from a previous relationship, there doesn't tend to be the same amount of threads about demanding her family plays the role of maternal extended family. I suspect that's because new partner's (female) ex is generally a 50/50 parent or primary caregiver so the children have maternal and maternal sides of the family. There's no need for either adult in the new relationship to compensate for anything so the man doesn't need to demand his new girlfriend and her family fill the gaps. In these situations I've also noticed that women are more likely to have appropriate boundaries with their step children and their children because they acknowledge their step children have a mum who is more than capable of being mum, so they don't need someone to play mum.

Crikey. You had an 11 month old and already felt it was fine to meet someone, get to know them, have a relationship, introduce them to your child and get pregnant within the first year of you dating them??

the timeline is bizarre.

Blended families take time to come together. The idea that you can just expect your DD from previous to be treated as a blood relative after 16 months is really pushing it. Waiting until your little one is born, things are likely to change then.