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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say nothing about gift that i can't use

95 replies

Dishwashersaurous · 29/12/2023 17:48

So for Christmas was given a very expensive membership for a cultural centre in the nearest major city by my parents.

That's very generous.

However, I work full time , and have small children who take up all my time at the weekend.

To visit this centre I will need to do it at a weekend, pay for train fare and sort out something for kids activities to make it worth the travel.

Therefore I can only see myself managing it once or twice. Which would make it very expensive per visit.

Part of me wants to say something, about the fact its really generous but when on earth do they think I will use it. They don't do childcare, and that's fine but it's not like I can say look after the kids whilst I go.

But I just don't feel.able to say anything.

OP posts:
Jf20 · 29/12/2023 19:27

MissingMoominMamma · 29/12/2023 19:24

Perhaps he is burnt out too?

My husband worked at weekends, and the schedule of activities was off the scale. I ran myself ragged.

Now they’re older, I realise that the world wouldn’t have stopped turning if we’d had the odd weekend off.

Show quote history

She said her husband can do childcare and already takes one to activities. So not the same.

SingSongVerilyTheSky · 29/12/2023 19:30

I get what you mean OP. I feel like life is a house of cards sometimes, as though one tiny change can cause chaos.

But IME that’s exactly why you absolutely should try and use this present - even if just once (it’s really not your fault if you don’t get “value for money” etc).

Take some time for you, please. 💐

Coconutter24 · 29/12/2023 19:32

Have you mentioned any of your concerns about not being able to use the gift to your husband? If so what did he say or if you haven’t spoke to him then that’s where you start a conversation with him about having the kids solo while you go out

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 29/12/2023 19:35

I just assumed from your OP that you were a single parent with the children's father a deadbeat who never sees them. Either that or you have a DH in the army, working on an oilrig or otherwise away for work for months on end - or could sadly have been widowed.

You can't use the gift unless your DH looks after the children, which he very much can do; ergo you CAN use the gift. So what's the issue? If you're not interested in going to the events/facilities that the gift admits you to, that's fine; but it's absolutely not the same as being unable to use it.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 29/12/2023 19:38

What is a Cultural Centre??

Anyway- sounds to me as if they are concerned that you don't get any time for yourself, and have bought you a gift that would facilitate this. If you can think of something that would benefit you more (not the family) then talk it over with them.

Original poster
Dishwashersaurous · 29/12/2023 19:39

Weekends are kids sport, homework and then house jobs.

Eg laundry, batch cooking, cleaning .

Both out jobs are full on and it means that all the jobs have to be done at the weekend.

So for example I spend the afternoon cooking for the week ahead and he will clean.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dishwashersaurous · 29/12/2023 19:40

It's an art gallery which is only open in the day, so can't go in the evenings and there are no children's activities so can't take the children

OP posts:
Summerisawashout · 29/12/2023 19:41

You are not being a wet blanket. Life with young kids, full time work and no additional help is very challenging and does not have room for alone time, let alone trips to other cities. For someone who hasn't been in this situation it's hard to understand but years of exhaustion and stress and pressure at work, constantly feeling like a failure at home, as a mum, as a wife is really hard. I had years where I could only manage an hour of alone time. I think you should talk to your parents and return the gift.

GreenWheat · 29/12/2023 19:48

Don't forget that your DC can miss their weekend sport once in a while, you're not a slave to them. Unless they're in some kind of elite programme, nobody expects them there every single possible session. If it's too full on, just have them not go to activities while your DH does something else with them when you go to the gallery.

User373533 · 29/12/2023 19:50

Are you sure there is nothing at all for the children? Most art galleries are family friendly. If it's expensive, does it not gain you entry into galleries that are family friendly?

DappledThings · 29/12/2023 19:51

So for example I spend the afternoon cooking for the week ahead and he will clean.
So 3 or 4 times a year he does the cooking and nobody does the cleaning and you have a free afternoon to enjoy an art gallery. It's not going to kill anyone and would be really good for you.

Ladybirder · 29/12/2023 19:53

If it’s somewhere you want to go then you should find the time to go. Maybe your parents think you need to spend more time on your self and your interests and that’s why they got you the gift? Memberships are usually non-refundable if paid for in advance so you should at least try and use it. I’ve bought cafe vouchers/ cinema vouchers as gifts for BIL and even pre-children he would come up with excuses that he wouldn’t have time in the 2 years they were valid for to use them, which I thought was pathetic and hurtful to the gift giver - he made out that I had just created chores for him to do - I.e. choosing a film, finding a day to go etc.(the cafe and cinema vouchers were both for places he said he goes to and close to his home).

TempyBrennan · 29/12/2023 19:53

Dishwashersaurous · 29/12/2023 19:09

It's just that life is so finally balanced at the moment. The weekends are literally back to back with no spare time and ever minute of annual leave is for childcare.

I just don't have any spare time in my life, at this particular life stage.

I suspect they seen this and wanted you to do something for you (as you’ve said) that will remind you that you’re a person and prevent you from getting a parental burnout.

If you went every other month thats 8 weeks of prep time for your husband to do a day at the weekend alone.

Dotcheck · 29/12/2023 19:54

I agree w pp. Carve out some time for yourself, even if it is only twice this year.

İcantusethat · 29/12/2023 19:55

Honestly, speak to them about it. I have been through this for years with my parents, them giving me expensive things that I don't like or can't use.

This year I decided to be brave and ask them if it could be exchanged. I was really afraid of hurting their feelings but they were ok about it and found a solution.

I felt better about speaking up, and about all that money not being wasted.

ShoesoftheWorld · 29/12/2023 19:58

It seems very unlikely to me that a 'major cultural centre' will have nothing at all to engage children/families. Museums and galleries are all about engaging different groups of people these days.

Apart from that, I really don't understand why it seems so out of the question for your dh to have the children for a day every few months.

IwishIdidntlikesugar · 29/12/2023 19:59

I received a gift a bit like this once - a one year membership for me to go to places nowhere near me. I managed to use it once but also ended up paying for family tickets for everyone else.

SecondUsername4me · 29/12/2023 20:00

How often does your dh go do stuff without you and the kids at weekends?

AlltheFs · 29/12/2023 20:00

Use the gift, life won’t end if you don’t cook for a week. Eat a few takeaways, miss a bit of cleaning now and again.

You can’t go every week but I am sure with a different mindset you could carve out some
time for yourself once a quarter or thereabouts.

I do know how you feel (busy jobs, horse, 4 year old, house renovation). But sometimes you just have to fuck it all off and do something that isn’t on the practical list.

rookiemere · 29/12/2023 20:01

It sounds like a nice idea, and I'm sure you would have really appreciated it if they had given it to you a few years down the line when the DCs are late teens and you really suddenly do have spare time to rediscover interests and passions.

But now it does feel a bit as if it's another chore to add to a very long list. At that stage when DCs were young I would much have preferred a boozy lunch with friends rather than a half hour trek to something to improve my mind.

I doubt you would be able to cancel it now, so I'd try to go a couple of times during the year and be very specific about what you would like next Christmas.

GreenClock · 29/12/2023 20:05

I think that they’re trying to tell you something. It seems a bit passive-aggressive, this gift. Perhaps they think that your husband is a bit useless and needs to be encouraged to allow you some space. Or maybe they’re bored with your martyr act (as they may see it).

goodenoughmum88 · 29/12/2023 20:07

It sounds like you’re in the younger child years where work and kids take up everything, and a gift like this is one more thing to organise and tip the precarious balance that your just about managing- (and that’s not a criticism, I remember this stage and feeling like I was hanging on by a thread).

Take the time to sit down and plan to attend. Work it out with DH. Batch cook/convenience meals for the week that you will miss it. And I’m kind of willing to bet that it’ll be worth it for the headspace alone, and the subsequent way you feel for the week afterwards.

When we’re spinning the plates we don’t put our own up there in case another falls down, but we really need to, otherwise we can’t keep them all going. Xxx

Maray1967 · 29/12/2023 20:12

Dishwashersaurous · 29/12/2023 18:02

It's absolutely something for me to do, they are not expecting to come.

And babysitting just isn't an option. So not worth mentioning.

And I can't sell it on as its in my name.

I think that they are trying to be kind, and give me a gift for me, which isn't work or children.

But the idea of having one more thing to organise and plan and fit in my life just makes me want to cry.

Yes - I’ve had something similar. In my case it was a spa voucher which was for a place quite a distance away and children weren’t allowed. I gave it away to a friend. I’d never said anything about wanting to go - not my thing at all. I was asked if I’d gone and I was honest - no way I could make it work so I passed it on to a friend who needed a treat. Relative seemed to take it ok.

ANiceSliceOfCake · 29/12/2023 20:14

As kind as it may appear I hate these kind of gifts. It’s just a burden and yet another thing to organise.

I totally get the stage of life you are at when it’s just all a routine just to get through the days with small kids when you have little support.

I’d just not go and if they ask just say you haven’t had any chance to use it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 20:15

Dishwashersaurous · 29/12/2023 19:40

It's an art gallery which is only open in the day, so can't go in the evenings and there are no children's activities so can't take the children

If you magically had time, would you love this present?

Because if that's true, making time might help life be less back-to-back grind.

If your children have sports, aren't they old enough to enjoy art? Are kids free? DD over a good art gallery from quite small. I still remember her giving a VERY famous painting shit as a small child.