To say nothing about gift that i can't use

[Dishwashersaurous]

So for Christmas was given a very expensive membership for a cultural centre in the nearest major city by my parents.

That's very generous.

However, I work full time , and have small children who take up all my time at the weekend.

To visit this centre I will need to do it at a weekend, pay for train fare and sort out something for kids activities to make it worth the travel.

Therefore I can only see myself managing it once or twice. Which would make it very expensive per visit.

Part of me wants to say something, about the fact its really generous but when on earth do they think I will use it. They don't do childcare, and that's fine but it's not like I can say look after the kids whilst I go.

But I just don't feel.able to say anything.

Could your children miss their activities every other month?

I’m bemused too. Not wanting it is one thing, why you havering on about them doing childcare when there is a father and husband present?

Thanks all, and I know that objectively I'm being pathetic.

I've realised that this is really about just how stressed I feel about work, house stuff and life. My life works but it feels like a machine where everything is very finely balanced and mentally I just seem to cope with anything else.

They don’t need to, her husband can do the activities and there is two days at the weekend.

It’s a gift. Hardly additional work.

It's just that life is so finally balanced at the moment. The weekends are literally back to back with no spare time and ever minute of annual leave is for childcare.

I just don't have any spare time in my life, at this particular life stage.

You have a husband and two children and can't visit something you'd enjoy a few times a year? That seems unlikely?

I get it op. I live in the arse end of nowhere. Nearest city is three hours drive away in one direction. One year my MIL “gifted” us a years discount voucher to a particular chain restaurant situated in the capital of the country where we lived. One that she knew we’d never visit. Totally useless and thoughtless gift. Luckily though we were able to pass it on to friends. She had form for crap presents though…

And if it's a gallery, occasionally the kids could come with you and / or do it as a family.

Well it sounds like you could actually make use of it but would choose not to.
In any case I’d not mention it to parents. If they ask about it either lie and say it was good thanks or be honest and say you haven’t prioritised it.
Forget about it.

While I think the OP could a) find useful ways to use this gift if she wants to or b) just not use it and accept the sunk cost, yes actually, when you have young kids, even things that are supposed to be ‘nice’ are very often additional work and sometimes not worth it. Babysitters, missed time on other things, additional money required, feeling stressed if children don’t take well to babysitters, hangovers … the list goes on.

Exactly this.

Christ, carve out time for yourself ffs.

Maybe your parents are thinking of you and being quite clever in ‘giving’ you more time to yourself.

They see someone with little time for herself with a husband who doesn't support her as much as he should.

Enjoy your gift, enjoy your time!

Which is probably exactly why they gave it to you. Leave the kids with your bloke and use it. It’d do you the world of good.

It sounds like they've given something that they'd like!

Try to make time for a few outings and loan it out to friends

You haven't explained what kind of cultural centre it is and if it's something with evening performances what's stopping you going then when the childcare issue is solved by your husband being in existence.

How busy are your children at the weekend? Are they doing more than one activity each? Seems like a lot if it leaves you with no free time. Do you never have weekends away? Visit friends?

Well a couple of uses are better than nothing, surely. I doubt they can get a refund on something like that and I can't think of what rationale there would be to saying something either. I'd just appreciate the gesture and try to make it there if I could, offer to go with friends perhaps or with your parents, to make some use of it and the rest is what it is. It sounds more like you just don't want it and don't want to use it more than a genuine case of can't.

When I give a gift it's really just a gesture, of course I try my best to get someone something they will like/use/want but you cannot always get it right. If they don't like it then that's unfortunate, if it's something they don't want and can give away or pass on then I sincerely hope they do. It's not something I'd take personally and as far as I'm concerned it has nothing to do with me as soon as I've handed it over.

Making a point of going back to the giver in these kinds of circumstances to let them effectively know it's not what you wanted just smacks of angling to get something else instead to me, and a lack of genuine gratitude for what is essentially a gesture, they have to get you something. I'd be a bit miffed too if I gifted someone a pricey annual membership and they came to me about a fairly small travel cost as though I've caused them an inconvenience. I'd just be baffled. If it can't be used, don't use it/loan it out/bin it etc

Just subtly mention next year that it's perhaps best to skip annual memberships as you found in the end you weren't able to get there as much as you'd like.

This sounds like the nudge you need to step out of the bubble of everything revolving around you being with the children. It's easy to fall into when they're young, but it's really important to make the effort to do a few things for yourself as well. It sounds like your DH could easily look after the DC while you use your gift.

But why are your weekends like this? I'm a single parent and certainly don't fill up my weekends with back to back activities. Children need down time too. Sounds like you don't like it much but it's well within your power to change it. Don't martyr yourself.

Perhaps he is burnt out too?

My husband worked at weekends, and the schedule of activities was off the scale. I ran myself ragged.

Now they’re older, I realise that the world wouldn’t have stopped turning if we’d had the odd weekend off.

Just forget about it for a couple of months. You might find, come Spring & Summer, you’re more in the frame of mind to make use of it.

It sounds like you’ve never needed this gift more. Time to fill up your cup.

I think you then maybe need to look at what is going on in your life if the weekend is so full on and you feel this overwhelmed.

For example why are the kids doing so many activities?

No it’s not, even you just said your husband can do childcare and you can go.

Why are your weekends so busy? If it’s children’s activities I’d cut those right down. I’ve always taken the stance that a child’s sport or hobby should never get to the stage that it’s impossible to have family time or time for parents to relax and recharge. The percentage that will turn that activity into a career or keep it up once they finish school is minute.