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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

542 replies

stepparentdilemma2023 · 29/12/2023 13:55

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

OP posts:
IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 29/12/2023 16:04

stepparentdilemma2023 · 29/12/2023 14:35

Thank you, this is the most sensible comment I have read all thread.

I am unclear as to the exact set up of the will, to answer questions that many have been asking, as I was based abroad when it was read and executed. I have put these questions to my brother who is having it looked over by a solicitor in the new year.

Show quote history

Then without that essential information you are wasting everyone's time.

In a straight forward multiple ownership situation where 3 people own land or a house jointly they can't be forced to continue to own it just because one party won't sell. A court can ultimately order a sale. All 3 are entitled to occupy the property. If one owner is allowed exclusive use the other 2 can't get rent but they can be compensated for not having the use of their property.

BUT if your mother's will allows him a life rent use of her share you can't sell until his death.

Noseyneeps · 29/12/2023 16:06

Honestly, OP we could all opine and make our value judgements on SF, you, your brother etc. but really, you need legal advice to see what your options are.

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 16:08

Outofmydepthnow · 29/12/2023 14:32

Hold on two ticks . How EXACTLY has your mothers 'share' been protected. ?

You say your mother was married to your stepfather. In which case it is a marital asset that passes to her legally married spouse. Who put what percentage in is irrelevant in the same way that it is in a first marriage. There's no difference.

Unless you can confirm some type of trust or other legal protection was specifically put in place and you actually KNOW you are part owners.

People say a lot of things about 'what they are going to do' with regard to their Will. Many never do anything (in which case it's all his) , she made changes you weren't aware of prior to passing away .. or you are in fact in possession of a copy of the Will then clearly sets out how this property does NOT form part of matrimonial property.

Your speculation depends on what country OP's DM and SF lived. A deceased spouse's property does not automatically all go to the survivor, it depends on the jurisdiction.

Ohnotyoutoo · 29/12/2023 16:09

Moving on fairly quickly after the death of a spouse is more common than you think. My dad met my mum a year after his first wife died, and I've known this happen to another widow, too. I know it's terribly sad that he's taken down some photos, and it probably pained him too, but I don't think it's massively unreasonable to remove his wedding ring given he is now a widow and is seeing a new woman. Grief is different for us all.

I do think it's worth bringing up the conversation of selling the home. Whether he can buy you out, or selling due to wanting to free up capital to buy your own home(s). For whatever reason, you are not BU for beginning the conversation.

What a tricky thing to navigate.

Prelapsarianhag · 29/12/2023 16:09

If I was your mum I would want you to sell the house and have the money that you need at this stage in your life. Step dad is pretty well provided for and it sounds as though he can take care of himself.

Hayliebells · 29/12/2023 16:09

Gonkers · 29/12/2023 14:12

You need to remove the new partner element from this conversation, as it’s not really relevant. I’m sure - if your mum loved him - she’d want him to be happy. Men often move on faster than women.

The real issue is your inheritance. You should get legal advice but you are very much not unreasonable to want to liberate the cash in the house.

This. Don't let the morality of his new relationship in your eyes cloud the issue. You're perfectly reasonable after this length of time to discuss selling the house. You'll likely need legal advice if SF doesn't agree to sell however.

FlyingCherub · 29/12/2023 16:10

It sounds very upsetting OP to lose your Mum like this, having seen my own Dad die from cancer, I'm still scarred from it 12 months on. Add onto this that your Mum was in a fairly new relationship, she put up 80% of the value of the house while he contributed 20%. Then she leaves him 1/3 of her pension as well.

The fact that SF is now moving on must be horribly upsetting, and I would be utterly devastated thinking that my Mum had meant so little to someone who had hugely benefitted from her financial generosity.

DocOck · 29/12/2023 16:10

If there is a Life Interest Trust set up, which sounds likely in this situation, you're on a sticky wicket. I'd be getting the will and reading it ASAP, I have a Life Interest Trust and it's literally a 2 sentence clause in the will. I don't understand how you don't already have a copy, who were the executors?

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 16:10

GetWhatYouWant · 29/12/2023 14:37

OP, I am shocked that so many people think you should be ok with SF moving on so quickly with a new relationship. I think that short length of time feels extremely disrespectful to your mum and I'm not surprised that it seems very soon to you and your brother. I also can't imagine that after the death of a spouse anyone is in a fit mental state to take on a new relationship in a healthy way for several years.

Someone asked if 5 years was ok, I'd say yes, 5 to 10 years would be more acceptable. I have been widowed and no way just a year later would I have been healed enough to want or be ready for a new relationship. I also could not imagine the pain it would have caused if my mother had entered a relationship a year after my father's death and I'm absolutely sure both husbands would have hated the idea.

As SF is clearly ready to move on, if I was you I wouldn't have any qualms about starting the discussion to set the ball rolling to sell the house if there are no provisions in the Will which allow him to stay there.

With respect, that's you.

Others cannot cope on their own. It doesn't mean they didn't love their spouse

There is no right or wrong for the length of time people grieve.

And at what age? If I had to wait ten years if my DH died I'd probably be dead! Or would I be considered too old to bother?

ginasevern · 29/12/2023 16:11

@Treacletoots

"Personally if anything happened to me, I'd much rather DH was happy, that's what is important."

Would you feel the same if your DH died and his second wife of only 4 years was living in your former marital home and making your children's inheritance difficult?

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 16:13

Friedfriedplantain · 29/12/2023 14:39

People saying she's "rubbing her hands" at the idea of the money - why on earth should she and her brother be happy at the idea of having a bulk of their inheritance tied up by someone who only owns 20% of the asset? It's entirely fair that at some point they will no longer want to have their money stuck enabling an unrelated person to live in a house he can't afford alone.

Because you shouldn't 'expect' an inheritance

If her mum had lived her expected lifespan she wouldn't be getting the money for years

I had this with my SM. 20 years she outlived my dad. And only left the house so it could be sold for care home fees.

guineverehadgreeneyes · 29/12/2023 16:13

My BIL told me on the phone that he was seeing someone 10 days after my sister had died and then asked if I would tell my mother for him. I told him he should tell her, himself.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 16:14

ginasevern · 29/12/2023 16:11

@Treacletoots

"Personally if anything happened to me, I'd much rather DH was happy, that's what is important."

Would you feel the same if your DH died and his second wife of only 4 years was living in your former marital home and making your children's inheritance difficult?

She'd be dead. She wouldn't know anything about it.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 16:16

Raffington55 · 29/12/2023 14:49

@Aquamarine1029 that is so horrible. Do you understand feelings? How mean! The OP is thinking of her mother, and she and her brother are understandably a little hurt.

Show quote history

Well thinking of her SF I don't understand people wanting him to be lonely

It bears no reflection on his feelings for his wife

Floppyelf · 29/12/2023 16:19

It sounds to me ( having read only the first two pages) like you and your brother have decided to cordially formalise the matter of your inheritance. As long as there were no complications with the will, i think its time you both sold Your share and put it to good use in memory of your mum.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 29/12/2023 16:20

So I’m this situation I’m your mum. My DH would only have 12 months to sell to give my 80% share to my kids. Hopefully your mum detailed a timescale too.

Outofmydepthnow · 29/12/2023 16:20

Whiteshutters
My post was not remotely incorrect. A property bought with a spouse be it the first or fifth spouse is a marital asset .

You failed to read the entire post.

It is only NOT so (as I clearly wrote) IF it has been protected in some legal way either as part of a trust or other legal vehicle . (Which the OP seems to think it is but has provided no details as to how this has been achieved.) and then AND ONLY THEN once she can see the clear wording in the Will - will she know for sure.

The easiest and fastest way to do that is to post in legal once she has been on line to view the Will . Which she can do at Gov.Uk once it's published. (I am guessing she doesn't have a copy ) Although 18 months may still be a bit early because probate is taking ages at the moment and it's a while after that before they are published.

PingPowKaPowWow · 29/12/2023 16:20

It's good news he has another girlfriend, if he moves out then the house can be sold.

Signalbox · 29/12/2023 16:21

Then without that essential information you are wasting everyone's time.

This.

My DSM has a life interest in the property that she joint owned with my DF and will be entitled to live there until she dies. Once she dies 50% of the property will pass to me and my siblings and 50% will pass to DSM's adult children. Before the point of her death none of us has any say about what happens to the property and we are not entitled to claim rent nor are we in anyway responsible for its upkeep etc. If this is the situation in the OP then what they want to happen at this point is irrelevant.

If this is not the case then OP can look at getting legal advice in relation to selling the property but that will presumably be complicated by the fact that the SF is currently living there, co owns part of the house and doesn't want to sell it. It probably isn't as simple as ending an AST.

The bit about getting a new girlfriend is irrelevant and not really any of the OP's business.

ginasevern · 29/12/2023 16:21

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain

"She'd be dead. She wouldn't know anything about it."

This is true but I asked the question of a living woman who can still respond. I can't imagine she or many women would be overly happy or laissez faire at the thought of this potential (and all too common) scenario.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 29/12/2023 16:22

The easiest and fastest way to do that is to post in legal once she has been on line to view the Will

Correction - The easiest and fastest way to do that is to consult a solicitor once she has asked the Executors to provide a copy of the will and the title deeds.

Outofmydepthnow · 29/12/2023 16:22

Also on the new partner front - from my experience it is those who have had a happy experience of marriage that are the keenest to look for a partner sooner rather than later. It's a positive thing and testament to a positive experience.

Those who found marriage hard and unhappy are much less willing to enter into another relationship so soon.

Signalbox · 29/12/2023 16:23

ginasevern · 29/12/2023 16:11

@Treacletoots

"Personally if anything happened to me, I'd much rather DH was happy, that's what is important."

Would you feel the same if your DH died and his second wife of only 4 years was living in your former marital home and making your children's inheritance difficult?

This is why wills are important.

Boomer55 · 29/12/2023 16:23

It will depend on the Will. Opinions on how quick someone should move on are irrelevant. Look at the Will. If he has a life interest in the property, then it’s his home.

TheaBrandt · 29/12/2023 16:25

This is an absolute time bomb and extremely common now there are so many second marriages. Adult children don’t resent their surviving parent living in the house and blocking their inheritance but they sure as hell resent the second spouse doing so. Even worse if the estate is modest and the house is the only asset or if the parent dies young / second spouse much younger as means longer for kids to wait.