Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

[stepparentdilemma2023]

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

Ok, I haven't read the whole thread, but if your SD bought the house with your mum, and his name is on the deeds, it would seem unlikely that you and your brother have any stake in the house at the moment. Surely it is his house to live in until he passes or sell?
Who he is or isn't in a relationship with is irrelevant, and I think its horrific that you and your brother are judging him for moving on since your mum died. You honestly have no idea what he is going through and until you lose a spouse you won't. So wind your neck in and if you want to do something for your mum then support the man she loved in his choices, rather than pulling the rug out from under him.

My mum has set it up so that her partner has 12 months interest to stay in the property after her death and I think that's a bit harsh and have told her that it would be better to make it longer! I don't want her lovely partner kicked out when he's very old.

That said, it's what is legal that counts and everyone has told you that so many times. Nothing else matters except understanding the legal terms of your and his inheritance, it's not a question of morals or judgement (except in your own mind).

It’s trickier if you are married as your spouse has a right to reasonable provision so if you left your share directly to your kids in your will the surviving spouse could make a claim and as a spouse would likely succeed. Also you lose your iht exemption if you don’t give the spouse at least a life interest.

You need a solicitor. My dad left me and my brother his half of the house, which my mum then sold. She then bought another house outright and had the equity (no mortgage) of the family home outright. Me and my brother, who told her we didn’t want anything, have not benefitted from the sale. I don’t re know the law on this, but both of us have told her to keep the sale money in case she needs a care home in future which we’d have to pay for anyway we’re she to give us the money.

@stepparentdilemma2023

Does he have a life interest in the property OP? there would be a clause in the will if he does.

Also, as they were married he may be able to challenge the validity of the will as her surviving spouse. A challenge to a will is very very costly and time consuming. Many estates have been swallowed up in legal fees, whether it was successful or not. Are you in a position to fight a court case? you may have to settle through mediators.

You need legal advice to confirm your position here. This may not be as straightforward as you think.

If your mum and stepfather were joint tenants (probably unlikely given the unequal contribution, but possible) then her share will have psssed to your stepfather automatically upon her death. You won’t have a stake in the house in those circumstances.

If your mum and stepfather were tenants in common in shares proportionate to their investment then her 80 per cent would have passed in accordance with her will.

The really odd thing here Is that you don’t seem to know anything about the terms of the will (notwithstanding you were living overseas it would have been easy to have your brother send you a copy). If you were a beneficiary you would almost certainly have been written to by now.

Do you even know who the executors are? Obtaining probate can take a while but should not take this long.

Be aware - in the event you have not been left anything - that you only have 6 months from the grant of probate go make a claim under the Inheritance Act.

I would not raise the matter with your stepfather at all until you know your legal standing.

Get the house sold and your SF has his share. Then he can go off and get on with his own life without the negativity for you and your brother.

Perfect.

My first DH died suddenly after a very happy 30 year marriage, 23 years ago. I remarried and moved from the UK to the USA eighteen months later. My first DH and I had discussed what we would do if the other died, and both of us agreed that we would want the other to live a happy and full life, which is what I have done with my lovely second DH. I have 3 adult children, one here and two in the UK, and five grandchildren (all born within the last 12 years). He has one adult child and one grandchild (he was a divorcee).

He and I are tenants in common on our house. This means that I own 60% of it and he owns 40% of it, reflecting the money we put towards it and the payment of ongoing renovations. We have just drawn up our wills and specified that each of us leaves the other a life interest in the house - either of us has the right to live there after the death of the other until the survivor dies or until the survivor chooses to sell the house. At that point, the inheritors can claim that portion of their estate. Other than that, our assets are left separately to our children and grandchildren. As I understand it, this protects both of us and gives us an assured place to live as long as we want or need to.

I'm not sure if UK rules on property and inheritance differ from this, but our wills would be executed under US law, which also handily prevents my UK-based children from having to pay inheritance tax as the value of my estate doesn't reach the inheritance tax threshold in the US ($5m for the feds, $2m for the state).

Just to follow up some comments made earlier upthread, I think it was the happiness I had in my first marriage that made me emotionally equipped to enter the second. I loved my first DH dearly, and would be married to him to this day had he not died. However, I have found a lot of happiness with my second DH too, that I know my first would not begrudge me.

My partner has been in this exact situation. Except with his dad and stepmum.

He had the foresight however to advise his dad to split the tenancy so they became tenants in common versus joint tenants. Stepmother owned 50% and DH Dad owned 50%. So when he died, my partner inherited his dad’s share.

His Dad’s will stated the stepmother could live in the house until either she remarried or wished to cohabit.

She lived in there 5 more years after his death and then came to him when she wished to sell. But the crucial part of how this played out was that the tenancy was split before he died and very clearly outlined in the will.

OP feel free to DM as have some advice and contacts to share if you have questions!

This!

OP, the way I understand law and the way it was explained to us by our solicitor, if your SF jointly owned house with your mum you cannot force the sale. He has a right to live there till end of his life, so you need to discuss with him and agree amicably. This is assuming they owned as tenants in common. If they owned house as joint tenants it becomes more complicated - I am not sure but I think then who paid what becomes irrelevant.
I know that as we consulted solicitor since my DH and I own property together where we live. We both have DC from previous relationships and of course wanted to ensure that our shares went to own DC directly after our death however didn’t want to come to the situation where at elderly age one of us forced out from house by other.’s DC.

I can see that this is natural point for you to start discussion with him. When it comes to the point whether he moved on too quickly I fully understand this is upsetting but people grieve in different ways and even though he moved on relatively quickly you need to remember that he is older so doesn’t really have his whole life in front of him and also whether he met someone or not doesn’t mean he stopped grieving for your mum.

What a nasty comment.

Clearly you can do nothing until you're aware of the will's exact contents - you mentioned he now owns 20% and you and your brother 40% each, but presumably this hasn't yet been confirmed?

Once you actually know, I agree with Sodndashitall about asking what his plans are without mentioning the new woman, and go from there.
If he's a decent man (and if the will is as above) he'll realise he can't just go on living in a house that others own the majority of, and may even have plans which will save awkwardness

And if he doesn't, or if the will contents come as a surprise, good luck with that

I worked hard my whole life, sometimes to my children's detriment (no financial support from their father). When I pop off, I want everything to go them immediately while they are young enough to enjoy it.

@stepparentdilemma2023 you sound lovely. If I were in your mums shoes, I would want my partner to be ok after I’d gone. I don’t think 18 months is too soon, men do seem to find it easier to move on, and if she’s nice and they’re happy, that’s fine. But - I would want my children to have my money and my house, no question. He’s an adult man who can fend for himself. If anyone stood in the way of my ds claiming his inheritance I’d be devastated, it’s what your dear mum wanted for you and your brother.

Fwiw I think moving on 18 months after the end of a 5 year relationship sounds about right. Your mum may well have been his soul mate - if things had been different they would likely to be happily together still -but she's lost to him now.
Perhaps their relationship emphasised to him how fleeting happiness can be?
As for the house I think its a little soon to insist on him moving out, I'd give it another 6 months then start the conversation. The new relationship is a bit of a red herring - may last, may not.

It is highly likely that they have set it up so he can live there until he dies. This is pretty common. I have the same arrangement. I have left my share to my children but that will only happen when my partner dies. They cannot force him to sell. You need to look at the will and check with a solicitor.

Yes, I’d say it’s time to starting moving on sorting out the house and having your share.

Not the same sort of scenario but my father moved another woman in 4 months after my mother’s death and not long after ‘sold’ half the house to her to fund home improvements. You can imagine how well all of that has gone down.

Men can very easily compartmentalise and if it suits him you’ll find he won’t care about you - it’ll all be about who is keeping his bed warm.

Surely it is time to sell up if he is moving on with new partner.

If he already takes a third of the pension according to the will he should be able to pay rent on the 80% you own with your brother.

As this could drag on for years until you get your inheritance, this seems like the perfect time to broach it. He’s moved on, so it’s a good time to cut financial ties. How is your Mum’s Will worded? Does he have a lifetime interest or can you force a sale?

I know how you feel though, my FIL moved on 8 weeks after MIL died. We weren’t impressed, 18 months seems like a lifetime in comparison.

I’ve spent most of my professional career in cancer and palliative care. In my experience, men who are widowed are with another partner within a year. Women who are widowed …. Not so much.

I think women are more able to “go it alone” and have true friends to fill the void whereas men more generally don’t.

@DeeLusional You are wrong- it depends entirely what the will says.

This is rapidly turning into a cancel the cheque thread. Until OP has the legal details there's nothing anyone can advise (although like others I suspect he has a right to remain and should be paying rent).

Unless they have an agreement in writing I see 4 options
you sell and take your shares
you buy him out (and possibly sell straight after)
he buys you out
he keeps living there for an agreed period but from a set date a few months down the line pays 80% market rate, possibly forever or maybe for a set time.
I’d largely put the ball in his court.