Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

[stepparentdilemma2023]

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

You won't find anything in the will about him moving on & frankly it's none of your business, although I can understand it upsetting you -try to separate that in your mind.

Find out the legalities before broaching the subject, try to stay on good terms with him & be honest about you both having financial difficulties & being majority shareholders you think your mum would have wanted you to access the funds. Good luck

Good luck OP. Your mum wanted you & your brother to have the majority of the house & I think that is a wise move. No one wishes for their DD/DM/SF to be alone for ever & am astounded by the majority of mumsnetters who seem to think moving on after a death fairly quickly is fine. Having lived this situation I can tell you that is utterly heartbreaking for the rest of the family to see & needs some time & sensitivity. I can only hope no one has to go through it. X

Surely your mother must have discussed the house situation with you and your db before she died.I think you do know what’s in her will (that sf has a lifetime stay)You’re just trying to find a way to get sf out of the house.Against your mothers wishes…

How long do you think is reasonable for someone to be single after a partner dies?

Personally if anything happened to me, I'd much rather DH was happy, that's what is important.

I think you're allowing your personal feelings and desire to get at the share of the cash cloud your judgment. This is still his home. Whilst he didn't pay the majority stake, he still put in 20%, presumably he didn't expect to be turfed out of his home when his wife died.

You are coming across a little grabby OP. Sorry if it's not the answer you want but you did ask the question.

I guess, like everyone else states, you'll have to see what your mum stated in her will otherwise like everyone else, wait until the owner occupants die.

Till you have been widowed you can't comment how you would feel /would do

Or judge those who do meet someone else

Oldies /regulars know my story

I was with my first dh for 19yrs. Met at 18. He died when we were both 37 - suicide

My whole world collapsed and heart shattered into a million pieces

But for everyone else their lives went on. They went home to their loved ones

I went home to a quiet empty house. It took me 6w to learn to sleep without a hall light on as I was scared

I didnt go looking or expect to find a new partner within 9mths

But I did

It happened naturally and slowly and was bloody scary

Your sf sounds like a lovely man. He was there for mum in her illness and death

Life carried on. They died. We didn't

Sounds like they are tenants and mums 80% goes to her kids but the sf has 20% ownership

You need to check the will

You can't make him sell

But he may want to stay there till he dies

20% of a large house isn't going to be able to let him buy a small house /flat without a mortgage

SF is only in the early stages of a new relationship, if this were me, I would give them a few more months to see how things pan out between them before raining anything verbally myself. The situation may resolve itself without your intervention.

Of their own volition they may decide in the coming months to buy a house and move on together.

I any event, if it were me, I would wait until after the 2 year anniversary of losing your DM, and then maybe raise it in say June - if they haven’t discussed with you before then.

Personally I’d want my beloved husband to move on and be happy if I died. I don’t think 18 months is that quickly. My friend’s husband died three years ago. They adored each other. She was seeing someone else within 18 months, and married him this year. She still posts about her late husband on Facebook regularly and hyphenated his surname and her new husband’s surname. One of her new husband’s best qualities is he’s understood there was a previous soulmate and supported her. They live in the same house. Personally I prefer seeing her happily moving forward than still reeling and distraught.

You need to look into the will properly. While you say your mum would be shocked to see her partner moving on so quickly, I find it surprising that she’d have chosen to throw him out of their house because he’d dipped his toe into dating - he’s not got engaged or moved this woman in… I think you’re being harsh on him. Possibly because you’re still upset?

@ReallyAgainReally “odds 60 to 40 in SF favour. None is making up numbers. Can you not read?”

Oh I can read. You don’t express yourself clearly though. Those are mighty specific “odds” - your legal precedent being what?

What did the will said? I suggest you talk to a solicitor about this before trying to suggest anything to him.

If the will says he can leave in the house for as long as he wants or he is alive, I am afraid there is nothing you can do at this time.

But if it doesn’t, ask a solicitor what is the best way to put the house for sale without causing an issue that could delay the sale for years to come.

It would also be a good idea to check whether the people he may bring to live with him acquire occupation rights that maje make it difficult for you to get them to vacate the house.

Hi OP, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all and while you’re waiting to see a solicitor why don’t you just look at the Will online? You can get a copy of it for a couple of pounds here
https://probatesearch.service.gov.uk/

It might be really clear what was set up and agreed in the will and that will hopefully help how to proceed and how best to work with your step father so everyone is happy moving forward, whether he buys you out or it’s sold.

I had a family member whose DH passed away. They both had DCs from previous relationships. The DHs son wanted my relative to sell the property as he was left his father's 50% in his will and he wanted the money. But the will also stated that my relative (or her DH had she dies first) was legally allowed to live in the property until she either died or sold it and only then would the DC be able to get his inheritance. It really depends on this OP as you cannot force someone to sell a property to gain your inheritance if there is something like this stipulated in the will. I hope you manage to get it sorted.

He doesn't have to live with the new woman, he presumably has income of his own plus a third of his late wife's pension, he can rent somewhere.

I would advocate playing the long, and calm game.

First find out what the will states, check everything through a solicitor.

Then sit back, keep relations cordial, that 80% is coming your way eventually, so chill, its a sound investment, its not going anywhere - make sure the land registry details are up to date and you are signed up for notifications.

Keep on good friendly terms with SF, offer to help out with maintainence or a bit of gardening, so you can keep an eye without being a pest.

Then IF he breaks the terms of the life interest (ie moves in with new partner but lets son stay etc... or if he passes away, you can calmly assert your right to your share of the loot.

This has been suggested many times but op seems reluctant to do it.Given that her mother left SF a third of her pension it would seem she wanted her husband to be financially looked after,which suggests to me that she also wanted him to live in the house (their home)ad infinitum..

But why would he, he only has to pay rates on the property he part owns - he'd be mad to do anything else!!

I am really surprised this wasn't sorted out when the will read and the estate settled. I would have thought resolving that would have been priority for any solicitor/executor.

As you co-own apparently you must agree whether you carry on or sell.

For me it has nothing to do with it being your mum's home - they bought it together and it wasn't your childhood home, or his son....that's entirely his choice if you aren't using your share, or the new GF - a year to 18months is a perfectly reasonable time and is not disrespectful. He is not claiming this woman is his soul mate is he?

It's simply about whether you need the money, would like to financially separate, or want to retain the investment and access to the property.

Is your mum's stuff still there? How will you divide that up? Will you allow him to take furniture or are there items that are personal that you want to keep?

This can only be done through communication.
When SFIL passed MIL was left cash from the estate. So the house was sold and divided up between SFILs children and MIL. (She did well out of that as she didn't really put into the house, but otherwise had no pension to speak off) she was able to buy her own place and even took much of the furniture from SFILs first marriage (widowed) but only with his children's blessing.

It’s better for you if you remain cordial. You want to avoid lawyers and an arguement.

i would ‘manage’ him.

start saying (I would wait until feb incase he thinks u are annoyed at him)… we are thinking of selling this year sometime. You know bros getting married I’m retraining. V casual.

then is March say oh we want to get 3 valuations what time is convenient for you.

the just slowly slowly get it done. Keep trying to get his buy in on small decisions.

Quite, he should be paying OP and DB rent on the 80% of the property which they own.

The children can sell their 80%- they will find it impossible.

And if so they can get themselves a set of keys cut, come and go as they please, or even move in. They own 80%.

Which is really odd, unless she has a copy of the will she can't proceed with anything - the first thing I would want to check is what that will says, I'd also be wanting to check the land registry details too.

Unless the OP has checked these things and has confirmation in black and white she may find the will was not as she expected, the 80% in fact not protected and now rightfully the SFs

I'm sorry but you have absolutely no right to judge your late mums husband on being in a new relationship;there are no limitations on how long someone mourns for before moving on;it's none of your business.

The only thing you should be concerning yourself with is the sale of your share of your mother's house if you want the cash.

OP, has probate been completed for your mum? There may also be issues with CGT on the house depending on how things have been set up so really important to sort if it's not already been done.

My mum died 2 years ago today & dad pretended all was sorted then he died in February & we realised nothing had been sorted for probate purposes & all dc were tenants in common. Quite the headache for me to do all the paperwork.

Without knowing what the will said you have absolutley no basis for that statement. Its more normal to be given a life interest at no cost.

A previous poster referenced onlty those who have experienced widowhood really nowing the feelings involved. I agree. My husband died over 4 years ago now. Have I moved on? No. Have I moved forwards? Yes. Would I have wanted him to remain single to apease our children (had we had any)? No. Thats a weird thing to wish on anyone!!

Our will

Some big questions:

Have you seen the will?, Who was executor.

Has probate been completed? Has the 40% each been transferred on the land registry to you and your brother respectively.

@stepparentdilemma2023

I know life moves on ,

He reminds me of my shithead father who adopted me ,
He started courting 6 months six after my lovely mum who adopted me died 88lu prematurely from breast 😢 cancer.