Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

[stepparentdilemma2023]

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

odds 60 to 40 in SF favour. None is making up numbers. Can you not read?

They will always get their 80% back as per the will (i.e with or without IHT on the 80%, again as per the will).

Only the WILL OR calm heads from Op and DB will sort this in case the will is shortcoming or in more in favour of SF. OP is not showing any clam head so far. Hopefully a good solicitor can assist her in accepting the reality- whatever the Will say or its likely interpretation by the courts, if required. We cannot. But we cannot fail to see OP's attitude to SF hence the majority of us are advising her to tread very very carefully there.

I think this is very true but I don't think it just applies to men. My mother was remarried within a year of my father's death. She loved him deeply and even as a child I could see she was trying to recreate that. Unfortunately she picked the wrong man but that is another story.

That isn't my comment you have quoted.

The law is that the SF owns 20% of the house. It's his, it wasn't left to him. He has a right to live in it.

His late wife may have (OP has not been clear what the will says) said he can live in her 80% until his death or re-marriage- she can not restrict him seeing a new person. It would be almost impossible to force him to sell if he does not wish to- he bought and owns 20% of the house. It is extremely unlikely a judge would force a sale and even then he could appeal it. OP needs to know all costs will come from the estate as it is the beneficiaries who would be pushing this.

They are free to sell their 80%. They will find it impossible to find a buyer.

Depending on the wording of the will (which OP has not been clear about) His late wife may or may not have said he can remain rent free in the property. They may be able to charge him rent if they wish. It is more likely she said 'rent-free' .

They need to see a specialist solicitor- it is a complex area. Their best bet may be mediation- if he will agree- and the outcome is likely to be he will be offered more than 20% as compensation for agreeing the sale eg 33%. At the moment he appears to have a legal, lifetime, rent-free, interest in an attractive home. Why should he give that up?

In terms of him moving on, I read a psychologist write once that this is the sign a relationship was healthy and parting as good as can be, that that person is emotionally healthy enough to have another relationship. I’d wish him well.

In terms of the house I’m interested that your mum’s 80% share is protected in her will - are you sure about this? Or did the will just say ‘her share’? When I was divorced the legal advice I received was that when you are married assets effectively become 50/50 regardless of who paid for what and when. This advice may have been wrong or not nuanced enough but i’m curious as it doesn’t sound right.

Regardless I’m also curious about the position with your stepfather as the same thing did happen to a friend of mine a few years back where her mum died and had said she wanted her assets to go to her daughter. But because the mum and stepfather were married and the property was in mother and stepfather’s names together, under uk law the property became entirely his when she died regardless of what the will said. When he sold it my mate didn’t get a penny, and she had legal advice at the time that this was totally legal and just tough luck.

Maybe you have had legal advice and my concerns are unfounded. But in any case I don’t think you can ask someone to sell their home that is legally partly theirs unfortunately. If someone did that to me i’d react very very badly x

But legally true.

You don’t know what is in the will,neither does the op it seems, although it’s easy enough to get a copy online.A similar scenario happened to a friend.Her father died when she was quite young her mother owned the house they lived in.Her mother eventually married again but the step father was never put on the deeds. Her mother died many years ago and her will stated that the stepfather had no financial claim on the house but could continue living in it until he died or decided to move out.Stepfather stayed in the house for 20yrs and let the house fall into disrepair,he did no maintenance in that time.I assume the ops mother made a similar will as I’m sure she wouldn’t have wanted her husband to be homeless..

Not true

Until you read the will you don't know anything for a fact.

I am unclear as to the exact set up of the will

Until you find this out in the new year, no one here can give you advice.

The specific provisions of the will are crucial here. Because your mum may have given him permission to continue to live in the house for the remainder of his life, a defined period or as long as he chooses which could prevent a sale.

So ask the solicitor to confirm this. If there’s nothing of this kind then I think you are well within your rights to raise the topic and ask him his plans. It’s been 18 months and he has started to move on with his life so the timing seems right.

It depends entirely on what the will states.No one can force a sale or charge rent in this situation.It takes seconds to download a will,why hasn’t op done this?

YANBU at all

hes had time to grieve and has now moved on so you're fine to talk to him

surely he either pays you and your brother 80% of what the rental would be or biys you out? If he can't do that then he has to sell and move out.

assuming your mums will doesn't give him leave to see out his days there?

Nope.

Not if they owned the house as 'Tenants In Common' with the mother's share of 8-% specified. She can then leave her share to whoever she likes.

Quite.

This .

Especially as being AIBU the thread is full of people who have no idea what they are talking about in legal terms.

Absolutely, complete rubbish, if he has a life interest, that is that, they have no right to the property until he dies, rent free.

Even if that is not true forcing a sale is also not easy, especially in a case like this where he will claim, rightly, that it's his home - the court would just as likely award him leave to remain for his lifetime.

He's not going to sell out to you either, his 20% is potentially his guarantee of a roof over his head for the forseeable, what he gets for 20% won't get him anything - so unless hes a mug, he will do nothing.

@stepparentdilemma2023 OP is very aggressive on this thread. Maybe signs OP is on shaky grounds legally?

Also, if OP had the child SF has, would she continue with the not welcome into the her house, after her partner dies, if the set-up was in this case? I doubt anyone would, as the house is 'practically' SF's until its provisions in the WILL have all been activated.

OP, the best way to look at your issues, is to put yourself in SF's shoes. That will answer all your dilemmas. Your other concerns about your 80% share can be sorted by keeping in touch with SF as you currently do- how hard is that for you to do? If I were you, I would start visiting at Xmas and Easter. You even have access to Face Timing with him, so you can ring him and keep him on whilst he moves around the house to check it's condition- in fact, say it brings you closer to mum seeing the inside of the house, so ask for regular FT. That and solicitors obv so you know where you stand and what you need to do now, if anything. Job sorted. Good luck- try to remove emotions as much as possible.

Op my mum died December 2021. I understand how awful it is.

But I don’t understand why anyone is equating him getting a new girlfriend to the house.

Surely either the will stated wether your Kim expected him to live there until he wanted to move out of not? Or there has been a conversation with him before now, regarding what was going to happen with the property.

Surely you and your brother didn’t get 40% of a house each and not discuss it with the person who owns 20% and lives there? Either to reassured him he could stay there or discuss a timeline?

I don’t get why the trigger for this conversation is the possibility that he has a girlfriend?

My opinion on someone moving on quite quickly, is that (men especially often don’t think these things through and often date before they are ready. But it’s his business. Not yours and has nothing to do with the house.

@PropertyManager You say it better than me. In my defence, I was trying to cover most parts of OP's posts.

The odds are on SF, if it goes to court. None of mum's 2 kids are homeless (even if renting) as far as we know. Wanting to upgrade (or purchase your own home) is not the reason for the court to ask SF to move on.

Why didn't OP contact her mum before she died as she is clearly wanting things which don't ordinarily happen here unless the will specifies it here? Was op even close to mum?

Legalities aside, I think YABU to judge that 18 months is too soon to take off his wedding ring and date a new woman.

You need clarity on the will. If your mum left you her share with the stipulation he could live in it until he died then your hands are tied. If she just left her share to you with no instructions I would start charging him rent on your 80% with a view to selling the property.

As others have said get a copy of the will online . If he has a life time interest in the house there is nothing you can do to force the sale .
My DSis I were left half of my parents house when DDad died , my DM has a lifetime interest we cannot and would not force her to sell .
The only caveat is DM must keep the house in good repair, which she does.

It seems you have taken umbrage to him having a girlfriend and now want to sell the house to punish him .

👏👏

You want your share of the inheritance and you feel your stepfather has moved on a bit too quickly. They are separate issues; don't confuse them. And yes, it's perfectly reasonable to want to realise your share of the house.

I agree though I understand how the op and her brother feel. In any case, nobody can help how they feel. In time, they will have more understanding but right now it seems too soon. Yet it is not uncommon for people to re-marry two years after a spouse has died.

However, op, your stepfather is not currently considering remarriage and may never do so; he has just found somebody with whom he can have some happy times. In my experience, men are more lonely after being widowed and this new lady is probably good for him. However, it is early days in their relationship, who knows how it will pan out.

If the idea was that he could live in your mother's house for life, you have to accept that. There may be a way that he can help your brother financially or some of the equity in the house can be released as it is left to you and your brother. You must know what is in the will as you were named in it, also you can see any will online.

Please do not be too sad about this situation. I doubt your mother would want her widowed husband to be unhappy.

All the best to you.