Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

[stepparentdilemma2023]

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

It does not matter that the OP was abroad while probate was being applied for and the estate being dealt with by the executors.

OP and her brother could still have asked the executors for a copy of the will, as they presumably already understood that they had a significant interest in a property asset.

Given the complex circumstances (ie a property being left between a stepfather and two adult children), I would have thought it was in the OP and her brother's best interests that they had familiarised themselves with the exact wording of the will shortly after their mother's death.

It's unclear from the OP's posts where the information has come from that their mother's will provides for a 20%/40%/40% property ownership split but evidently did not also inform them of any terms and conditions relating to the stepfather's right to remain in the property for the rest of his life (should he wish to do so) and whether there were any conditions set out in the event of his possible remarriage.

So I do hope the OP will download a copy of the will and not wait until she can see a solicitor.

The OP has an asset here worth hundreds of thousands of pounds. She needs to see a solicitor herself for independent legal advice so she knows exactly what her legal position is. She should arrange an appointment with a solicitor and take along (1) a copy of the will and (2) details of ownership from the Land Registry stating whether the property is owned jointly or as tenants in common (more likely by the sound of it). Both are available online for a few pounds and she should get them herself in advance of meeting a solicitor in order to save time and expense.

Once she knows what her legal rights are, she can decide on where to go from there. If she has a choice then that may involve a more emotional/moral decision on what she thinks is the right thing to do. That's a much more complex thing and none of us can say what is 'right'.

Seriously??
Just be glad you clearly have no idea.

Seriously??
Just be glad you clearly have no idea.

1. his relationship is none of your business and your opinion of it is irrelevant

2. see a solicitor about the will and the property, and your respective rights and responsibilities around it

Just to say, if probate has been dealt with and the OP hasn't heard anything from the executors of the will, if her and her brother have any entitlement to the property, they would also have a claim against the executor, as they have a duty to do their utmost to contact anyone who is a beneficiary of the will.
The fact that they haven't suggests to me that either the whole thing has been dealt with very badly, or they aren't actually entitled to anything, whatever they may think.

You are massively projecting. I am sorry you are traumatised- and it’s awful that you are, but it really isn’t everyone’s experience universally..

The sf sounds grand, and coping very well.

I see this has hit a nerve @stepparentdilemma2023 but it is true- you can’t force anyone to do anything once you’re gone. You can’t even do that when you’re alive tbh.

The only way that would have happened is by a stipulation in the will that you’d probably already know about

there IS something unseemly about your fingers in this man’s pie. You’re judging him unfairly and are coming across as grabby.

get advice and then decide what you want to do but understand how this is all making you look and if you can live with that behaviour towards a good man who was loved by your mum.

How on earth does anyone know he is a ‘good man’??

A good man would realise most of the house is owned by someone else and move out.

And I can’t understand when people refer the dead ones to be disappointed with the deceased partner actions (moving on, living their lives etc.) means they have a new partner because the dead one is, well dead! Can a living partner say that they are disappointed that the dead one has died so quickly and they are disappointed and they are in dating world again because of them?
I mean I can’t understand this whole Schrödinger cat tbh!

But it's not his pie. 80% of the pie belongs to the OP and her brother. He's taken off his wedding ring a year and a bit after his wife's death. I think that's a pretty strong sign that he's looking forward, not back. Nothing wrong with that but I don't think there is anything unseemly or unfair in OP having an opinion on that.

This!

I didn’t want to say before - but I strongly suspect his new gf has already moved in. The first indication is often missing photos of exes. Probably that is why he is telling them now, before they find out another way. Why remove all of the photos of ops mother??

Absolutely nothing to suggest that this is the case re ownership. OP does not appear to have seen the will and has just said that “in the absence of her mum” she and her brother own her 80%. Well this quite easily might not be the case.

Not looking like we'll get to find out

Actually all I have done is point out from personal experience why some of your assumptions about how he is coping feeling may be wrong.
They also may not be. Nobody on here is going to know how he is coping. They can only guess. And in my opinion it's irrelevant.
The OP shouldn't be kicking him out of the house because she deems that he has moved on from her mum. The only thing we actually know is that he is at minimum a part owner of the house.
She is hurting and taking it out on him. That's not OK, and imo not something anyone would want for their family once they had gone.

It is explicit from his decision to start a new relationship of ‘many months’ which could be a very long time already potentially, removing his ring and taken down the photos. I think most of us can be pretty certain he is most definitely ‘coping’ and getting through the days 😂

He right (legally or morally) to live on the house is not connected to him having a girlfriend.

The Op linked them that’s all.

I don’t believe Op doesn’t know the situation in the will. That would mean someone (brother/executor) told op they had 40% portion of the house and she asked no questions and made no comments. No ‘ok so how does that work with Bob (made up name) living there’. No ‘how long does Bob get to live there’. No ‘what does that mean for Bob’ or even ‘what does that mean for us since Bob lives there’.

I think Op knows he has life time interest in the house and was just hoping she could persuade him to love of his own account. And has decided that since he is dating he must (morally) move out.

I think she knows her mother would have wanted him to stay there but just isn’t saying. It makes no sense to be so sure about what portion you have but no idea about any of the terms.

Getting through the days and coping is the bare minimum people do when grieving.

Do you expect them to dress in black and never leave the house to prove outwardly he is in an appropriate amount of grief? would that mean it was ok for him to stay?

I can imagine my mums sister judging my Dad like that after my mum died. He carried on living. They don’t like it. He is not even 70 and has a life to lead. His home is his home and he can take down or put up what he wants. I can’t imagine the will has ‘he can live there as long as he grieves in a way my children and MN think is appropriate’ 😂

Moving on does not mean someone isn't still grieving. And like I said, it doesn't matter. It is not a reason to try and get him out of the house that he owned with her mum. You are doing the same thing OP is. Saying it is OK to punish him for coping/moving on by trying to remove him from the house. I disagree with that.

You are still talking about your own situation!

He is fine! He is enjoying life in a new relationship - moving on in every way. Why are you so uncomfortable with it? There is no judgement just observation that he is not falling apart but getting on with his life, and op should be able to do the same. The last thing she needs to witness is a new woman moved into her mother’s house that is now mostly owned by the children. It’s cruel and unnecessary.

No I'm not. I have said it doesn't matter if he is OK or not. It isn't a reason to kick him out of their house.
It wasn't OPs childhood home, it holds no special memories or meaning to her. It is purely financial, and a way of punishing him for getting a gf. Him living there does not in any way stop her from moving on.

You are talking about no situation.

You are presuming a lot and using that as a basis. All you know is that he is dating.

Then deciding that dictates the situation around the house. It doesn’t.

Dating doesn’t mean you are over it someone’s death. Living your life doesn’t mean you are over it.

In the time since mum died, I travelled. I got promoted twice. I had a birthday party for my 40th. I went out on a Christmas party on the first anniversary of her death. I was coping and living. I was still devastated. 2 years after her death I am still devastated. In fact today is 2 years since her funeral and I went out for lunch and did some shopping.

But all that is beside the point. Non of it is connected to his legal or moral right to live in his home.

You can look at the will
Online right now!

Why don't you?

I fear you're going to get unpleasantly surprised and he will have a life interest.

Your quote of "confessed" seems unnecessary, he's not done anything wrong

Before you judge him, walk a mile on his shoes?

I’d check your DM’s will, if it leaves a right of occupation to her husband, these are usually worded to end if he cohabits with someone new. Have you asked him what his plans are?
be careful as if he doesn’t have enough means to support or house himself without your mum’s share, he may have a claim against her estate