Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

[stepparentdilemma2023]

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

Yes, cos it's so easy to rock up to your dying mother and demand to be told the terms of her will! Wise up!!

I would have no qualms about selling. You owe this man nothing.

Why not?

Sell it. You want to use the funds. He still makes a profit on his investment. Him utilising the house for unwanted relatives is causing you some anxiety. Get rid now.

Men particularly, launch into new relationships extremely quickly in some cases. Within 18 months is actually a pretty long period of grief and adjustment to new life without your mum.
my dad began a new relationship just 8 weeks after mums funeral. Yep, probably exceptionally quick, but he’s now been with her 20+ years so was obviously a good decision and worked for him
whats “clouding” potential judgement is that you are still grieving for your mum. As do I almost 25 years after her death. Your pace of grief pathway is not your sf and you need to adjust to that.

The house is another kettle of fish anyway. It entirely depends on your dm wishes, did she say something about if he met someone new? Owning a (2;d I assume) property , as you and your siblings do, has tax implications and there’s the question of who pays for major building works etc. all that should have been settled in an agreement if it was legally left in formal trust. If it wasn’t left in trust, then frankly, you’re daft to even have got this far n saddling yourselves with a second. Property and implications of that for your sf to remain indefinitely. Difficult as it is to have that conversation, you need to to address it.

treat the 2 issue seperately. Don’t merge and confuse the emotions. It’s fine to feel disappointed in sf moving on whilst you’re not ready. It’s also fine to be concerned he’s living in a house that you need access to funds for . Don’t muddy waters by bringing one into the other. What your sf does with his life is his own affair - just like my own dads life is his and not my role to tell him I was upset he moved on form mum so very quickly. That’s my problem not his.

Was writing very quickly. Why being picky? It is a simple saying SF's is in a better place legally, the will aside.

That means ( just so I am clear to you): first it is what the will says- no ifs no buts. second, the interpretation of the will, should the will not be clear- and this is where SF's odds will be higher than the kids' for all the reasons given, again, unless some clear law of their unique case can be found.

OMFG!!!!!

And also, I'm very sorry for your loss
But get him out.

The issue being that if the widowed husband owns part of the property, as appears to be the case, those who inherit can’t force the sale. They can sell their 80%, if they can find someone who wants to buy 80% of a house with someone else living in it though!

My friend died in the November after 20 plus years of being married and new girlfriend was posting in the following January of him and her together on FB. Still can’t get my head around that.

Who’s going to buy 80% of a house? You can’t force him to sell the 20% he owns very easily…

Dismissive of their feelings? Or horrified by their judgement of the SD, and the assumption that as he's had the gall to move on with his life that they should try and oust him out of the home he shared with their mother, because they are unhappy with the speed at which he's moved on?
Grieving for their mother, yes. And its horrible, and painful and soul destroying. But try being widowed. It's on a whole other level, I promise you.
Maybe I'm taking it too much too heart, as my partner died in September. I cannot imagine ever being with anyone else. But if I ever do move on it wont be because I love my dead partner any less, or have any bearing on how I felt for him while he was alive. The assumption that anyone has the right to judge me for that and the timescale in which it happens is pretty shitty.

I hope a visit to the solicitor clears up where you stand legally Op then you and your DB will know where you stand. I understand you're both hurt on your DM's behalf but grief isn't the same for everyone, for some people the thought of another partner is unthinkable, for others the thought of being alone is too hard and when the first sharp pains of bereavement start to pass they want to move on. Your SF lost his DW which is quite a different thing to losing your DM, she was central to your life all your years and isn't replaceable for you and your DB but it's different for him, adults can love lots of people in their lifetime.

I would invite him for dinner and suggest he buys you out or the house is marketed in the spring if the will allows that option. He could live for 20/30 years, so I wouldn’t wait, no.

Don't speak ill of the dead and all that.

If OP, what you say here is true, you had an unreasonable mum. And perhaps she is much like you. And this adds more credence to my argument that if mum wanted what you are proposing here, she would have changed her will when she got very ill, to reflect just that. Again, WILL is key and I wish you all the best with what the solicitor says.

A word of warning though, I have heard of even the most possessive/jealous types 'surprisingly' giving their blessings to their partner moving on, on their deathbed.

Plus, Op has no idea what mum said to SF when she was dying. Op might be surprised.

Get a solicitor and put house up for sale NOW

Some people move fast in later life as after all they never know how long they have. And a year isn't that short a time really.

But you could suggest selling the house if you like. Was it your mum's intention that he could stay in it for life/as long as he wanted, though?

Stupid posts stating that he should stay?! Why? He only owns 20% of the house and has wholesale moved on already. Ofc op should sell up, I am sure he is expecting this outcome anyway!

@stepparentdilemma2023

who are the executors of your mother's estate - is it you/ your siblings? your DM's partner? Or professional executors?

This ^^ is the best advice.

I see this as two separate issues. 1. He's moved on "quickly " and 2. The house.
I imagine you didn't want to kick a grieving window out of the house, but the arrival of a girlfriend signifies a change.
I totally get that it's hard to see someone move on. When my father passed away, my mother started dating a bit less than a year afterwards. Thry had had a very happy marriage. However she missed being part of a couple, and even now 10 years on, still misses her husband. If tge situation was reversed, I'm guessing you would be urging your mother to grab happiness when it happened. It was very hard to see our mother form a new relationship, but as she explained it, the grief of loosing a partner is every hour of every day and sometimes you need to try to make a change, however hard it is.
As for the house- be upfront. Give him some time to digest the news. You are entitled to your inheritance, snd have given him some breathing space first. I would not however link this to his new girlfriend, otherwise he might feel he is being punished.

Because he's one of the owners

@1983Louise Depending on the will, in all likelihood he is entitled to live there (legally) for the rest of his life, rent-free. Why would/should he give up his home for 20% of the value when he certainly won't be able to buy anything like it for that? He's clearly no spring chicken, is comfortable and settled. Why should he give all that up to benefit 2 people who seem at best to not care much about him and his happiness?

OP says her mother died in May 2022.

That's one year and seven months ago.

It seems odd to me that in all this time, she hasn't asked the executors for a copy of the will. The executors may be relatives, family friends, a bank, a solicitor etc.

OP does not say when probate was obtained or whether her mother's estate has been wound up.

There is a general expectation that executors aim to complete estate administration within a year of death. This is known as "the executor's year". I would have expected therefore that the estate would have been wound up around May 2023 especially if being administered by a bank or solicitor.

As others have said, until the OP has obtained a copy of the will (either directly from the executors or by applying for a copy online) and established whether the estate has been wound up and if not, what is causing the delay, no-one can offer her any useful advice.

Who says he only owns 20% of the house? The OP? Who hasn't seen the will, and doesn't actually know what was in it?