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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

542 replies

stepparentdilemma2023 · 29/12/2023 13:55

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

OP posts:
Signalbox · 29/12/2023 17:19

It’s what your dear mum wanted for you and your brother.

Lol, bit of a leap. OP doesn’t even know what her DM’s will says.

TooFondOfBooks · 29/12/2023 17:21

I’m very sorry for your loss OP.

Waiting until after you’ve looked at the will & are fully cognisant of its provisions seems the sensible thing: no point trying to have a conversation without all the facts.

A PP mentioned happily married men rapidly moving into new relationships after being widowed. Widowers are often just not good at being single & building a new relationship doesn’t mean their [first] spouse wasn’t the love of their life nor that they’re “over” the loss. It’s not the sort of loss you get over, it’s one you get through; & in the process of moving through their grief, men generally seem to reach the point of “able to date again” before women. How prepared for the reality of that your mother would have been will have depended on her personal circumstances.

Holding onto a sense of hurt on your mother’s behalf will only hurt you though. It’s possible they discussed a timeline (as it were) if your mother’s death wasn’t sudden. It might be that you’re right about what your mother would’ve said - but that she would change her mind seeing your stepfather grieving &/or seeing him with his new partner. I do understand it’s very hard; & I also understand you’re not saying you want your stepfather to be in mourning forever etc. I would try to separate it out from the question of the house though, because it has the potential to be interpreted as an attempt at blackmail (“I want to sell because you’re seeing someone new” could be seen as carrying the subtext “split up & you can stay in the house & keep things as they are”). I’m not saying that’s your intention, but you should be aware it could be understood in that way.

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 17:23

LuluBlakey1 · 29/12/2023 17:18

@DeeLusional You are wrong- it depends entirely what the will says.

Show quote history

I understand that, but took it for granted that if SF had been left a lifetime interest in the house, OP would have said so. I may be wrong of course.

TheaBrandt · 29/12/2023 17:23

Most deathbed wills for women 40-60 give the Dh a life interest but protect their half for children to inherit on his death. Also protects wife’s share from any new wife but enables him to live in the house for as long as he needs to. I think this fair - it can’t go straight to the kids without prejudicing the husband he needs somewhere to live.

henrysugar12 · 29/12/2023 17:26

What does the will say? Did your mother make a new will after they married?

Jl2014 · 29/12/2023 17:27

I think now that he has moved onto a new partner it makes sense to tie up the loose ends with the house. Not as some kind of punishment but if he’s moving on with his life then closing off the house legalities is also an aspect of this. The longer you leave it the harder it will get to raise and sort.

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 17:27

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2023 14:13

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

It doesn't change the fact that I think she would have been incredibly disappointed at him meeting someone new within 18 months of her dying.

It's shocking to me how you and your brother are judging this man because he's in a relationship. Your mother has died, he isn't cheating on her, FGS. Would it make you happy if he were single and lonely for five years? Would that be enough for you?

It's shocking to me how dismissive you are of the OP's and her brother's feelings. It's only a year and a half since they lost their mum - of course it's hard for them to see her husband move on!!

Not an empath, are you?!

LuluBlakey1 · 29/12/2023 17:28

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 17:23

I understand that, but took it for granted that if SF had been left a lifetime interest in the house, OP would have said so. I may be wrong of course.

Show quote history

OP has said very little that is factual.

MissingMoominMamma · 29/12/2023 17:29

stepparentdilemma2023 · 29/12/2023 14:03

Untrue. I think he's an incredibly nice man who supported mum at a time when she felt lonely, and then stuck around when she became ill. It doesn't change the fact that I think she would have been incredibly disappointed at him meeting someone new within 18 months of her dying.

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Sadly, your mum isn’t coming back. He needs company, just like the rest of us.

Blinkityblonk · 29/12/2023 17:30

I know of someone who moved on from his wife's death within a month! Men do seem to move on very quickly in general. A year later, and now 18 months, doesn't seem so outrageous.

1983Louise · 29/12/2023 17:31

It needs to be sold so you can all.move on, he must realise this with only owning 20% of it.

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 17:31

MrsPinkSky · 29/12/2023 14:24

These threads actually disgust me, where the deceased's family start rubbing their hands together at the thought of the money, and are willing to see a (presumably ageing) person have to move from their own home in order for them to get their hands on it.

And you say you think your mum would've been disappointed in him OP?

Ever heard of being practical??

DuplicateUserName · 29/12/2023 17:31

Strange how the OP disappeared after a few people posted links enabling her to actually check the will herself?

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 29/12/2023 17:33

DuplicateUserName · 29/12/2023 17:31

Strange how the OP disappeared after a few people posted links enabling her to actually check the will herself?

I hate it when people don't say thank you for help on threads. So rude.

Nevermindtheteacaps · 29/12/2023 17:34

FGS. 18 months is not too soon! My husband died when I was 33, I had two small children and was dating 15 months later! Why? Because I was still alive and I wanted to. And I know late DH would have been pleased for me.

Poor man is a widower and deserves whatever happiness he can get

yesyouareyouare · 29/12/2023 17:35

He's not your problem. If you can sell the house and you're legally entitled to cash from it, then get the ball rolling and do it. His love life or whatever he's doing is none of your business but if money he's sitting on is rightfully yours, then you need to get it. Don't be a mug. He can get a new home. People move all the time and he's a grown man, well able to handle it.

LovePoppy · 29/12/2023 17:38

stepparentdilemma2023 · 29/12/2023 14:03

Untrue. I think he's an incredibly nice man who supported mum at a time when she felt lonely, and then stuck around when she became ill. It doesn't change the fact that I think she would have been incredibly disappointed at him meeting someone new within 18 months of her dying.

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Happily married men find new relationships much faster than women after their partners death.

my father was married 14 months after my mother died!

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 17:40

MrsPinkSky · 29/12/2023 14:35

I am glad you feel able to make value judgments online about an individual you have never met.

No-one here needs to meet you, we can see the money obsessed words you're typing. Even pointing out that he's 'fallen on his feet' because his girlfriend happens to be wealthy.

And raising your eyebrows because your mum left him some of her pension.

Awful behaviour and yet you're happy to second guess that your mum would be disappointed in him for moving on over a year and a half after she died?

Horrible comments.

I suppose you would hand over the 80% to the poor dear man and pay for his next wedding then...???

DragonMama3 · 29/12/2023 17:41

Were you left the house?

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 17:42

Nevermindtheteacaps · 29/12/2023 17:34

FGS. 18 months is not too soon! My husband died when I was 33, I had two small children and was dating 15 months later! Why? Because I was still alive and I wanted to. And I know late DH would have been pleased for me.

Poor man is a widower and deserves whatever happiness he can get

From the point of view of the children, I totally understand how they must feel to see the mum who is irreplaceable to them, being replaced by another woman.

Of course he is free to move on with his life and I think the OP gets that. I don't think it's unreasonable to find that difficult for a bereaved son or daughter. Have a heart!

Honeychickpea · 29/12/2023 17:42

I am surprised at the OPs conviction that her mother would be sad and disappointed that her husband moved on. I have been married for 30 years, and I would most definitely want my husband to find someone to love and to love him as quickly as possible if I passed on. I love him and want him to be happy.

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 17:43

DuplicateUserName · 29/12/2023 17:31

Strange how the OP disappeared after a few people posted links enabling her to actually check the will herself?

Don't think it's one bit strange reading the vicious comments!!

SoupDragon · 29/12/2023 17:43

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 17:40

Horrible comments.

I suppose you would hand over the 80% to the poor dear man and pay for his next wedding then...???

Show quote history

They are accurate comments.

Chimpandcheese · 29/12/2023 17:48

A lot of men, particularly older men, really can’t cope with being alone. As upsetting as it might be I don’t think it’s a reflection of how he felt about your mum that he’s moved on (relatively) quickly, more just his own loneliness. I know my partner loves me very much; we’re in our late fifties, and I know he wouldn’t cope with life on his own. Just how it is. I certainly wouldn’t want him to be miserable just to satisfy other people’s notions of what an “acceptable” period of grief should be.

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 17:50

I should think as his name is on the deeds of the house, he’s entitled to live in it until he dies. I would imagine you’d have to take it to court to get him to sell it and that could be very costly and time consuming for you. I think the 20% of it only comes into play when the house is sold if he chooses to sell or he dies then 80% of the sale would then come to you and your brother. Until he dies that is still legally his home which he has every right to live in. His relationship is another matter and not really relevant to the former, I am sorry for your loss though.