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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband giving me silent treatment for one comment

54 replies

Whatdotheyknow · 29/12/2023 10:47

To try to give enough information to not ‘drip feed’ but keep it as short as possible. Back story - marriage isn’t great, ‘D’H suffered with mental health issues and chronic fatigue for over a decade and had a full on breakdown 5 years ago when we had DC2. I think he may be bipolar but the psychiatrist didn’t think he behaviour was extreme enough. As he has been so ill I have taken on the majority of the load. I have always tried to be understanding of this but it’s difficult to separate what is him not being able to do stuff because of his health and him just not wanting to.

We have worked hard on trying to understand each other and we are currently probably in the best situation we have been for years with regards to sharing the load.

When he is ill he looks for circumstances to blame and in particular he thinks our house is a cause of his problems. I don’t really agree - there is work to do on it but it is a comfortable home and I have reasons for not wanting to leave.

Yesterday at lunch time he started up bring up moving again in front of the children. I said that I didn’t think it was appropriate to discuss in front of the children. He said I never think it’s a suitable time to discuss (he spent the vast majority of the previous day in bed and often goes to bed before the DC). And then didn’t speak to me since. I made dinner and he sat and ate it without looking at me or talking to me once. He left me with DC while he messed about on his computer. I am shattered and really needed the Christmas shutdown to recharged but spent yesterday feeling so stressed out and lonely.

I’ve tried speaking to him this morning to tell him I thought his treatment of me was wrong and he did answer to say that I am in the wrong as I ‘shut him down’ yesterday and silent treatment is resumed.

AIBU?

OP posts:

caffelattetogo · 29/12/2023 10:49

He sounds like a vile bully.

Weenurse · 29/12/2023 10:53

It’s amazing how many peoples mental health issues improve once they separate.
I am sure you would feel better without him and he might improve as well.
He could at least move out and see if that helps.
Sorry OP, but silent treatment is abusive.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 29/12/2023 10:55

Yanbu. He sounds dreadful. I can't stand people who do the silent treatment behaviour its absolutely pathetic.
Reading your post, what do you get out of being married to him? Because from what you have just written it sounds like all you get is stress.

Christmasisalmosthere · 29/12/2023 10:55

What a miserable lifestyle for you. I spent decades in a miserable relationship for the sake of my children and my husband died unexpectedly about 4 months ago.
Think of yourself and preserving your own happiness, if you do this everything else falls into place. Don't be a hostage to your husband's health like I was. Life is short and it ebbs away so quickly.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 29/12/2023 10:55

Silent treatment is grounds for divorce.. My exh focused on our ddog. The one we chose together.. Blamed her for everything. How bloody ridiculous is that?
Exh. Fine line between mh issues and just being a twat.

Jellycats4life · 29/12/2023 10:59

Maybe your husband will never be content with life. Maybe he will always be looking for something to blame - primarily you, or the children - for making him miserable.

Ask yourself whether you truly want to life the rest of your life with this millstone around your next.

Imagine how free you’d feel.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2023 11:03

Why in the fuck are you choosing to live like this? And by default, your children are cursed to live with this abusive, petulant man baby, as well.

Aren't the years you've already suffered with him enough? Don't you want a peaceful life with the possibility of finding actual happiness? You're never going to achieve it with this human anchor around your neck.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2023 11:05

You know op, sometimes it really isn't mental illness that makes someone miserable. People can actually just be bitter, hateful, miserable bastards, and all they care about is making everyone else miserable, too. Stop making excuses for his shit behaviour.

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 11:05

As a PP has said, the silent treatment is genuine abuse. And childish, to boot. I wouldn’t want to be subjected to that (DH used to do the same but we worked through that, just like we worked through my inability to tell him when I was upset with him, and stewing instead).

While it may be completely untrue and irrelevant, why does he think the house is so bad for him and why are you so keen to stay?

Tagyoureit · 29/12/2023 11:06

So what does he bring to the table? Does he work? Does he do his fair share with the kids?

I think you really need to think about what you want in your future and for your kids? Does the future look great with your DH in the picture or does it look depressing?

What support do you have?

MumHereAgain2023 · 29/12/2023 11:09

Why are you together?

CornishPorsche · 29/12/2023 11:10

Tell him to fuck off out the house and sulk somewhere else.

He has options, he can leave the house permanently if he doesn't like it. You can also choose to throw him out and divorce him. He may refuse to leave if he owns part of it though, but you can still start divorce proceedings.

This is no way to live. Your children are also living in this atmosphere and seeing him model poor parenting and appalling behaviour as an adult. They don't need to be around that.

Universalsnail · 29/12/2023 11:12

It's not ok for him to give you the silent treatment that's fairly abusive of him.

I also don't think it's ok to not discuss moving with your husband if he is that miserable where you are. I lived in a house I was completely miserable in and had moving completely shut down and blocked by my DH and it was difficult. Really it needs to be a discussion where you both talk about it and try and work out a compromise. Maybe the solution is you staying but making changes to the house. Maybe it's that you move but you have a list of priorities for a house move. Maybe you find away for him to move and you stay and then have a relationship but live separately. Maybe you split up. But like it does need to be a conversation

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 11:14

He sounds useless as well as emotionally abusive. Silent treatment is classic abuse.

Leave the bastard, OP, life’s too short.

Imagine being a carer to this prick all your life.

Nicole1111 · 29/12/2023 11:15

Let him know you’re happy for him to find somewhere else to live but you won’t be

MaryHinges · 29/12/2023 11:16

Out of Interest, what is it about the house he feels is making his mental health worse and why don't you agree?

Howbizzare22 · 29/12/2023 11:18

Hes clearly playing the mental health card to play you, to manipulate you, to get what he wants, to get out of helping around the house or pulling his weight and to make you feel bad. And it’s working with you! He’s a nasty lazy manipulative bastard and the silent treatment? Stone walling which is classic abuse. I’d fuck him right off.

Icepinkeskimo · 29/12/2023 11:21

OP if you could just look at your relationship from the outside what would you be advising yourself?
The relentless support, the constant juggling of responsibility and holding everything together, and the silent treatment because you actually had a different opinion.
I believe now is the time to consider your future, obviously with the dc, because it sounds like you’ve become downtrodden.
It’s the end of the year, make 2024 your year and time to remove that grey cloud that has been floating over you for too long.

Original poster

Whatdotheyknow · 29/12/2023 11:22

@laughingcat @MaryHinges @Universalsnail
the house was bought as a project house some years age. We have not been able to afford the project although most of it is decorated the kitchen is old and the layout clunky.
DH job situation is good now and we have been looking at starting the project but I am hesitant to take on more debt.
We live next door to relations of mine, which is a big factor in not wanting to move.
I definitely don’t want to move, I haven’t completely shut it down but I don’t want to take on more debt, he looks at bigger and better new builds. We have had many many discussions but can’t agree.

OP posts:

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 11:24

Tell him if he can manage to drag his lazy arse out of bed during the day, or can stay up past the kids bedtime later, you’ll discuss moving house then.

Tbh he sounds like one of those perpetually unhappy people, if it’s not the kids making him unhappy it’s the house, if it’s not the house it’ll be his job, if it’s not his job it’ll be the expectations you put on him to participate in family life, etc etc.

HellonHeels · 29/12/2023 11:26

Poor mental health or no, he is an abusive shit and you are exposing your children to this.

I think divorcing hom will improve your life.

Blueeyedmale · 29/12/2023 11:28

And what about you op you been through it yourself I think he's very selfish and playing the mental health card as someone who has been diagnosed with eupd, chronic post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and depression admittedly I was at my worst before my son was born.

But even on days when I've had a bad nightmare and it throws me for six for my son's sake I fake it to make it.i was 8 years old watching my mum take overdoses and self harm in front of us.i don't blame her for it,but after seeing this I'd protect my family from the worst of my mental health.you need support yourself and it sounds like he's taking the piss.

Maray1967 · 29/12/2023 11:30

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 11:24

Tell him if he can manage to drag his lazy arse out of bed during the day, or can stay up past the kids bedtime later, you’ll discuss moving house then.

This. You’re right that this shouldn’t be discussed in front of the DC. Do not try to placate him - challenge him very firmly. I would not discuss anything with someone who gives me the silent treatment. If he wants to discuss a serious issue, he needs to behave like an adult.

Original poster

Whatdotheyknow · 29/12/2023 11:37

Thanks all. I really appreciate everyone taking time to comment and you are giving me a lot to think about.
I think I went into marriage thinking it’s for life and whatever it throws at you, you work through it. And to be honest we have, in general things are much better than they have been in the past. He is pulling his weight a lot more with the DC and he now holds down a full time stable job, we have fun sometimes and make each other laugh.
I also make a lots of mistakes and am not the most emotionally mature. I definitely avoid the house conversations because I find them too difficult. Part of the problem with the house is that I am crap at keeping the house tidy and clean and have far too much clutter. That problem would move with us.

OP posts:

NeedToChangeName · 29/12/2023 12:03

I'd be interested to hear your DH's side of this story

And I suspect if OP posted that she had mental health problems, hated the house, wanted to move, but her DH refused, the replies would be different

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