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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband giving me silent treatment for one comment

54 replies

Whatdotheyknow · 29/12/2023 10:47

To try to give enough information to not ‘drip feed’ but keep it as short as possible. Back story - marriage isn’t great, ‘D’H suffered with mental health issues and chronic fatigue for over a decade and had a full on breakdown 5 years ago when we had DC2. I think he may be bipolar but the psychiatrist didn’t think he behaviour was extreme enough. As he has been so ill I have taken on the majority of the load. I have always tried to be understanding of this but it’s difficult to separate what is him not being able to do stuff because of his health and him just not wanting to.

We have worked hard on trying to understand each other and we are currently probably in the best situation we have been for years with regards to sharing the load.

When he is ill he looks for circumstances to blame and in particular he thinks our house is a cause of his problems. I don’t really agree - there is work to do on it but it is a comfortable home and I have reasons for not wanting to leave.

Yesterday at lunch time he started up bring up moving again in front of the children. I said that I didn’t think it was appropriate to discuss in front of the children. He said I never think it’s a suitable time to discuss (he spent the vast majority of the previous day in bed and often goes to bed before the DC). And then didn’t speak to me since. I made dinner and he sat and ate it without looking at me or talking to me once. He left me with DC while he messed about on his computer. I am shattered and really needed the Christmas shutdown to recharged but spent yesterday feeling so stressed out and lonely.

I’ve tried speaking to him this morning to tell him I thought his treatment of me was wrong and he did answer to say that I am in the wrong as I ‘shut him down’ yesterday and silent treatment is resumed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CornishPorsche · 29/12/2023 12:20

NeedToChangeName · 29/12/2023 12:03

I'd be interested to hear your DH's side of this story

And I suspect if OP posted that she had mental health problems, hated the house, wanted to move, but her DH refused, the replies would be different

Would it justify the silent treatment when asking to speak about a house move at another time?

TooOldForThisNonsense · 29/12/2023 12:23

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 11:14

He sounds useless as well as emotionally abusive. Silent treatment is classic abuse.

Leave the bastard, OP, life’s too short.

Imagine being a carer to this prick all your life.

This.

He’s a wanker, doesn’t provide financially, doesn’t parent and isn’t supportive. Plus he’s a sulker, the ultimate pathetic trait in a grown man.

what exactly is the point of him?

Universalsnail · 29/12/2023 12:25

Whatdotheyknow · 29/12/2023 11:22

@laughingcat @MaryHinges @Universalsnail
the house was bought as a project house some years age. We have not been able to afford the project although most of it is decorated the kitchen is old and the layout clunky.
DH job situation is good now and we have been looking at starting the project but I am hesitant to take on more debt.
We live next door to relations of mine, which is a big factor in not wanting to move.
I definitely don’t want to move, I haven’t completely shut it down but I don’t want to take on more debt, he looks at bigger and better new builds. We have had many many discussions but can’t agree.

Ah ok. So your living in an unfinished project house?

Tbh I understand where he is coming from. I was living in an unfinished project house when I wanted to move. I hated it. It made me so miserable and I am happier not there. I do think you either need to commit to finishing the project and take ok the debt, move house, or look at living seperetly. I couldn't live in an unfinished project house again.

You mention that he has chronic fatigue? Does he have diagnosed chronic fatigue syndrome?

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2023 12:31

Whatdotheyknow · 29/12/2023 11:37

Thanks all. I really appreciate everyone taking time to comment and you are giving me a lot to think about.
I think I went into marriage thinking it’s for life and whatever it throws at you, you work through it. And to be honest we have, in general things are much better than they have been in the past. He is pulling his weight a lot more with the DC and he now holds down a full time stable job, we have fun sometimes and make each other laugh.
I also make a lots of mistakes and am not the most emotionally mature. I definitely avoid the house conversations because I find them too difficult. Part of the problem with the house is that I am crap at keeping the house tidy and clean and have far too much clutter. That problem would move with us.

Stay then.

Put up with being abused.

Not sure what you want people to say.

Not really very fair on your children though to live in this environment.

Clarinet1 · 29/12/2023 12:44

I totally understand what you say about going into marriage “for life” - I hope most people do! - but there comes a point where, ill or not, you don’t have to stay and take abuse, which the silent treatment is.
On the other hand, you say things have generally been getting better so maybe when things have calmed down a bit you can discuss how this made you feel.
I know it’s an MN cliche but have you tried couple’s counselling?

Original poster
Whatdotheyknow · 29/12/2023 12:46

@Universalsnail yes diagnosed. Thank you for offering a different perspective.

OP posts:
JenniferJuniper80 · 29/12/2023 12:47

I think you should tell him that you agree with him. A fresh start, a new home would be lovely. Then tell him to find himself somewhere in the new year. You and the children will not be leaving.

As per usual, first comment nails it!

GreatGateauxsby · 29/12/2023 12:51

You can have mental health issues and not be an abusive arsehole.

You can have mental health issues and be an abusive arsehole.

I'd be looking at divorce.

AuntMarch · 29/12/2023 12:55

He can move if he wants 🤷‍♀️

It's so hard when it's mental health, as it completely changes a person. It feels selfish, but I don't think I could do it again.

TheWizardHowl · 29/12/2023 13:06

GreatGateauxsby · 29/12/2023 12:51

You can have mental health issues and not be an abusive arsehole.

You can have mental health issues and be an abusive arsehole.

I'd be looking at divorce.

This, 100%. I left my exDP because he was a prick who used his mental health as a shield for being a lazy bully. I'm a single parent now and it's a million miles more preferable.

Jf20 · 29/12/2023 13:10

I think you’re unreasonable. For the situation that he wants to move or do the project, you are refusing both and refusing ro discuss or compromise. There comes a time that will break. He’s pretty much doing back to you, what he sees you doing to him. You won’t discuss it so he’s not discussing anything.

Freshair1 · 29/12/2023 13:12

I can't actually believe you're in this relationship. You are neglecting your children's wellbeing. Do better.

Haydenn · 29/12/2023 13:12

His poor mental health does not give him license to be abusive towards you. To be honest the situation sounds awful now, so when you’re saying it was previously worse I can’t imagine how bad it was.

personally I would not be looking at taking on debt to do work on the house if he has an unstable job history. Given that I would say that any potential house move of work on the house needs to been saved for and done in the future. I’d be highly worried you would move and take on more debt and that would trigger him to have another meltdown and you’ll end up shouldering the whole financial burden

Universalsnail · 29/12/2023 13:16

Whatdotheyknow · 29/12/2023 12:46

@Universalsnail yes diagnosed. Thank you for offering a different perspective.

If he diagnosed with ME/CFS then to be honest the comments about him being lazy are ableist and you should ignore them.
He is not lazy, he is sick. It sounds like he is doing what he is able to do as you say he is helping with your child more and he is now working full time? Full time work is a lot with ME/CFS

To offer perhaps more if the different perspective about the house. I also have ME/CFS. Tbh that house and all it's unfinished jobs started to feel like a prison that I had no energy to sort out. I got more and more depressed and this impacted my fatigue more and more.

DH didn't want to move. In the end I moved out. We live separately but are together. There are things I don't like about this arrangement but not living in that unfinished project anymore has improved my mental health and thus my fatigue significantly.

I don't think your partner stonewalling you is acceptable and that's something he needs to address. I don't think he is an abuser though from what you have said here, just someone not handling their emotions very well in a difficult situation with poor health. Stonewalling is an abusive act that can come from a desire to control but also can come from an inability to deal with emotions healthily, unless there is other stuff going on your not talking about then I don't think stone walling alone makes him an abuser and I think the comments about your childrens wellbeing are completely ott but I do think he needs to take some responsibility for his emotional failing here and learn to not stonewall

I do think once he's stopped stopping trying to talk about his stone walling and the house is a good idea. Maybe relationship therapy would help?

SuffolkUnicorn · 29/12/2023 13:16

He’s an abuser
I have CFS I don’t go around giving silent treatment

paintingvenice · 29/12/2023 13:17

Jf20 · 29/12/2023 13:10

I think you’re unreasonable. For the situation that he wants to move or do the project, you are refusing both and refusing ro discuss or compromise. There comes a time that will break. He’s pretty much doing back to you, what he sees you doing to him. You won’t discuss it so he’s not discussing anything.

She is refusing both because they don’t have the money and would have to take on debt to accomplish his wish. Which given his work history doesn’t seem like the best of plans

SuffolkUnicorn · 29/12/2023 13:18

Freshair1 · 29/12/2023 13:12

I can't actually believe you're in this relationship. You are neglecting your children's wellbeing. Do better.

Came to say this aswell as a child I was subjected to silent treatment from the age of 3 and still am by my mother it messes with your head your children are witnessing this

he will do it to them too

DappledOliveGroves · 29/12/2023 13:20

You sound like my SIL, OP. She's been married to an abusive, depressive, miserable asshole for nearly two decades. He's alienated himself from most people in his life; he's cut off his brothers, regularly falls out with his own parents, refuses to see anyone on his wife's side of the family, stays home messing around on his computer, doesn't lift a finger to help, hasn't bothered to look after his own children, spends his life having spats on Twitter, whilst my SIL works and runs herself ragged trying to keep the family together. Like you, she seems to think marriage has to be for life - she naively married him, thinking she could "help" him - this was after he had threatened to burn the house down because she went to see friends and he wasn't happy with that.

If you want a life like that, with a miserable bastard of a husband, silent treatment, no money, walking on eggshells, all of which WILL have a negative impact on your children, then fill your boots. Having a MH condition is not a licence to be abusive or to give silent treatment.

I'd get the hell out of there if I were you, and start divorce proceedings.

Universalsnail · 29/12/2023 13:24

Is his job remote or does he leave the house?

Universalsnail · 29/12/2023 13:26

What about freeing up some equity in the property by remortgaging to get the works done with out an additional loan?

Just throwing some ideas out there 🙂

Missingmyusername · 29/12/2023 13:27

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2023 11:05

You know op, sometimes it really isn't mental illness that makes someone miserable. People can actually just be bitter, hateful, miserable bastards, and all they care about is making everyone else miserable, too. Stop making excuses for his shit behaviour.

I agree with this.

Freshair1 · 29/12/2023 13:28

You get ONE life. Your children get ONE life. Don't choose this bullshit excuse for a husband. Ditch it. Yes he has mental health issues but they aren't yours. You're entitled to walk away.

ttcat37 · 29/12/2023 13:31

I’m verging on saying YABU. Put his mental health issues aside as I think that is a red herring in this situation.
Honestly, living in a ‘project house’ for years and not being able to afford to complete the project, and by your own admission is untidy, dirty and full of clutter, does sound like a reasonable thing to bring someone down. And on top of that when he tries to bring up that it’s bringing him down and wants to move you shut him down, you don’t make efforts to have the conversation at what you deem to be the right time, and when he sits quietly in resignation you accuse him of giving you the silent treatment. I don’t think he is in the wrong here.

Gliblet · 29/12/2023 13:40

My DH has ADHD and has suffered from depression (diagnosis of bipolar). He definitely has the same tendency as your H to look for things to blame/focus on/make big sweeping changes to when he's struggling. A few years ago he went through a really rough patch and was extremely unpleasant to live with - what made a difference for us was me explaining the pattern to him - and him being willing to listen.

I waited until he was relatively stable and we had no interruptions, and pointed out that I could see a pattern of him, every few years, starting to find life difficult and looking outwards for something to blame. Whether that was his job, a hobby/lack of hobby, me having a hobby that took up my time and attention, it was always something 'other' that he could focus on changing that enabled him not to focus on how he was feeling. I explained that he could reasonably make changes to things that were within his control, but that was unfair and unreasonable to skip straight past examining his own behaviour and go straight to making big changes that would affect the whole family.

As I say though, it does depend on them being willing to listen even to that before you can do anything to support them if supporting him and staying with him is what you want to do. It's not obligatory. If he's not do his bit to improve things then you don't have to continue carrying him.

RoachFish · 29/12/2023 13:44

It sounds like he might have been steamrolled into buying this house with you as it’s next door to your relatives, is that correct? Buyi g a project house where one party is diagnosed with fatigue and the other one is unorganised and hoards sounds like a recipe for disaster unless you are very rich and can outsource everything. He has realised that this house will never be a comfortable and worry free for you and wants to move to something more manageable. You presumably want to stay because you are living next door to your neighbours and neither one of you has the energy/organisational skills to actually pull off a move.

You shut down discussions of moving so he probably doesn’t feel heard at all. I think, given his diagnosis, if you do want to stay you need to make it a home and not a project. If you can’t afford to, you need to move.

i agree that the silent treatment can be considered abusive, but it isn’t always. It can also be a response to abuse (it was for me) or in this case it could just be that he has reached the end of his tether. Not being listened to when it comes to something as big a where/how to live isn’t nice either.