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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How did you decide to have kids and when?

71 replies

Drsparks · 28/12/2023 22:14

Currently debating a childfree life vs ttc

Obviously I know its not always a choice but I wondered how over people came to the decision and timelines

OP posts:
Bepopp · 28/12/2023 22:18

Such an individual thing.

For some they aren’t ready till 37. For others 22 is the right time. Some do career then kids. Some do kids then career. Some do it all! Some do none.

If you want them you’ll know you do, and you’ll work towards the right set of circumstances. Money and material things help but all children need is love, clothes, food, water and a roof over their head. It’s not something to be weighed up by pros and cons I don’t think, you just naturally know. Do you know anyone with children? Is that the kind of lifestyle you envisage for yourself?

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 28/12/2023 22:20

Don’t do it! Save yourself!!

I had mine at 26 and 28. I got married far too young.

its a huge life changing thing, would I do it again knowing what I know now? Possibly not. I’m not a natural mum.

only you will know what’s right in your life.

Original poster
Drsparks · 28/12/2023 22:31

Thanks both
.sitting firmly on the fence atm

OP posts:
Allfur · 28/12/2023 22:33

Failed contraception, so more or less foisted upon me

FairytaleOfKent · 28/12/2023 22:35

Hmmm...I don't know if it helps because I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I decided I wanted DC after spending a couple of years as part of a married couple. I had been with my DH for a decade prior to being married as well. I had my first at 30. I've just had my second at 33. No regrets.

Original poster
Drsparks · 28/12/2023 22:37

FairytaleOfKent · 28/12/2023 22:35

Hmmm...I don't know if it helps because I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I decided I wanted DC after spending a couple of years as part of a married couple. I had been with my DH for a decade prior to being married as well. I had my first at 30. I've just had my second at 33. No regrets.

I just lack that sort of clarity

My heart says yes, head says no!

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 28/12/2023 22:40

I was 27 and 30. My children were much wanted, but it is still hard work. I would advise against having children unless you really want them.

Sparklesocks · 28/12/2023 22:46

It’s really a very individual choice. My DP and I were always on the same page about wanting them. There’s no ‘perfect’ time though, you could always earn more money or be in a more stable place etc but there are better times than others.

For us we had been together a good few years (not in honeymoon period anymore, had lived together), were both in steady jobs making ok money. My big want before TTC was buying a property because we’d spent years kicked out of rental properties and frantically trying to find new places when the landlord wanted to sell up/drastically increase rent and we didn’t want a baby in that already stressful situation. We managed this a few years ago in our mid 30s. But I realise this isn’t an option for many people so understand that might not be a must-have for all.

For me it was the perfect time. We had ‘fun’ in our 20s and were more settled in our 30s. But I’ve had friends who wished they did it sooner. Or others who had them quite young and are now in their 30s with teens and are enjoying a bit more freedom now their kids are outside of the baby/young child years.

really nobody can tell you if you should make it the choice or when is best. There’s definitely a leap of faith involved.

windywash · 28/12/2023 22:47

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 28/12/2023 22:20

Don’t do it! Save yourself!!

I had mine at 26 and 28. I got married far too young.

its a huge life changing thing, would I do it again knowing what I know now? Possibly not. I’m not a natural mum.

only you will know what’s right in your life.

I agree 100%. Although I can't say this to anyone in real life.

Fueledbycoffeealways · 28/12/2023 22:48

Covid. Changed my perspective. We were engaged and planning a wedding. Didn't happen. One day we just got talking and decided let's postpone the wedding and try for children. If it happens it happens no pressure. But just thought it was right. Both OK jobs, just bought a house. Early 30s. You can't plan for these things. (Great holidays pre kids may I say) children are hard work, but it really is rewarding. I felt we were young enough to endure 5 yrs of toddler hell as wanted two 😌and if we were lucky enough we could still enjoy time as a couple when they were older. We do have a lot of support- this really helps, from either family. And we do make date nights a thing because I feel its important not to lose yourself

DragonMama3 · 28/12/2023 22:51

When you hold your newborn baby in your arms after labour -it's the most amazing feeling of loving and being loved. Do it. Mother of three!

Nospecialcharactersplease · 28/12/2023 22:53

I am also in the position of trying to decide. I wish you could order one from a catalogue, preferably around age 10 🤣

Original poster
Drsparks · 28/12/2023 23:05

Nospecialcharactersplease · 28/12/2023 22:53

I am also in the position of trying to decide. I wish you could order one from a catalogue, preferably around age 10 🤣

Agree with this
I'm also in a same sex relationship so it's very much either we try or we don't. There's no let's see what happens

OP posts:
HungryandIknowit · 28/12/2023 23:10

I was very much in the same headspace as you, then I got older and my body clock got me. Weirdly I found having kids not as much of a big deal in real life as it was in my head. I am so glad I went ahead. Even though it's objectively worse life is so much better.

telestrations · 28/12/2023 23:10

Suddenly everything fell into place life wise, and at the same time I finally felt that truly knew myself and was content with it.

JamSandle · 28/12/2023 23:11

It's one of those things you can't know if it's right or wrong for you until you do it I think.

UndergroundPenguin · 28/12/2023 23:13

I knew when my mum suddenly died when I was in my twenties and I was standing alone at her funeral. And I wished I had a sister standing next to me. That was when I knew I wanted 6 kids.
Nature didn't oblige though. 🤷‍♀️

whateveryouwantmetosay · 28/12/2023 23:14

We were 26 and 27 and DH's mom was given a cancer diagnosis. We were going to try anyway but it pushed us both. Unfortunately MIL passed away when I was 16 weeks but I have zero regrets.

fourelementary · 28/12/2023 23:17

I always knew I wanted children…accidentally fell pregnant (contraception failed) age 18…

JMSA · 28/12/2023 23:17

Don't do it unless you're really sure!

You only have to read the many posts on here to see that - no matter how much we love them - parenthood CAN fuck with your life and relationship.

Your life will never truly be your own again and the male/female division of labour is never 50:50.

starsinthenightskies · 28/12/2023 23:21

I just knew I wanted them and didn’t really question it.

We waited until 29 though as I didn’t feel financially ready until then.

Original poster
Drsparks · 28/12/2023 23:24

JMSA · 28/12/2023 23:17

Don't do it unless you're really sure!

You only have to read the many posts on here to see that - no matter how much we love them - parenthood CAN fuck with your life and relationship.

Your life will never truly be your own again and the male/female division of labour is never 50:50.

This is what I'm erring on
I feel like this but as said on this thread by other posters I think its something that defies logic and you only really know if your cut out for it when they arrive!

OP posts:
Minnie2012 · 28/12/2023 23:25

Following.

I was always 100% determined to be a mother but after years of gynae issues I begun imagining what it might be like to be childfree…I was utterly heartbroken at the prospect of not having children and after lots of therapy am now unsure whether I want to try at all!

Incredibly grateful to be in a better place mentally but now time is ticking and the decision needs to be made sooner rather than later.

bigpawsjames · 28/12/2023 23:26

I was on the fence. Hit 37 and did it. Figured it was as late as i could leave it. My son brings me unmeasured joy Smile

bigpawsjames · 28/12/2023 23:28

Tbh I think the advice not to do it if you're sure is nonsense. I would never have done it. Sure it's hard sometimes but I think about that in a passing way. The same you might about any other life hardship. Parents can be so superior about something which is very similar to lots of other life choices eg. Having a hard but rewarding job.