How did you decide to have kids and when?

[Drsparks]

Currently debating a childfree life vs ttc

Obviously I know its not always a choice but I wondered how over people came to the decision and timelines

I think you have to look at your whole life (assuming it's a life lived until old age) and how that would look for you. Children don't stay little, they grow up and hopefully have lives of their own. Can you imagine the rest of your life without ever having children in it? I have little ones, it is hard & sometimes it has felt relentless. And I worry about them. But I wouldn't change it.

@Drsparks Same boat here, because we can't conceive 'naturally' the indecision is paralysing. Feels like whatever decision we make, we'll have to live with for the rest of our lives, so it has to be the right one.

We spent our 30s caring for my wife's mother, who had early onset Alzheimer's, so we couldn't even think of children until almost 40. Tried IVF last year and failed. Now seem to flip flop every other day whether to spend another 8k on IVF, start the invasive process of adoption, or remain child free.

Currently leaning towards child free!

If you think things through logically before having kids, there will be no ideal time.

There will always be something that you want. Whether its a new house, renovations, promotion, new job, new pet, big holiday.

A child is a big commitment and will impact your life no matter when you decide to have one.

I went off contraception and didnt try, but when it happened, it happened type of thing. It took me around a year and a half as depo takes ages leaving your system.

I was 23 at the time, nowhere where i wanted to be career wise or have a house of my own. Fast forward 7 years and my career is still progressing, I am still saving for a house though (I became a single mum when he was 2)

I have friends now same age as me, at 30 who still dont have kids, they have a house, career etc and only thinking about kids now. Unfortunately 2 out of 3 of them have fertility issues and now need IVF which theres a long waiting list for and is too expensive to go private with their mortgages etc.

They'd be better resourced for a baby than I was and still am, but unfortunately it may not happen as easily now.

I always knew I wanted to have children, ideally 2, and be finished having babies before turning 35. DP and I planned around that.

Thanks all, a good mix of certainty and uncertainty from everyone

Got married at 28 and by 29 just knew wanted a family, my kids were born within a couple of years and luckily easy to conceive and all the rest. Didn't overthink it but was ready for the responsibility and never looked back, it's wonderful having kids. I know a few single sex parent couples, I'm sure it comes with additional considerations, practical more than anything but they've also been really happy. One couple adopted and another used donors.

That's so sad Babies rock!

I always knew I wanted a child. I'm an only child, and love it, so was never set on a big brood, but always imagined I would be a mum one day. DH and I married when we were both 31. I came off the pill (discussed with DH) but we weren't actively trying... just seeing what happened. I fell pregnant within a year, and we were over the moon snd very excited, but I sadly miscarried a few days later. It was utterly devastating and the need and longing to replace what was lost was overwhelming. It became almost an obsession of charting tenperatures, cycles, etc. We sadly had a further miscarriage 6 months later, but 4 months after that I fell pregnant again and we finally have our son when I was 33. I think it was the loss that really made us realise how much we desperately wanted a baby. Also, in the miscarriage times, a close friend became pregnant, which was hard for me personally despite obviously being happy for her. I yearned to be in her position.

I always knew I wanted children. There are of course some tough times, the new born stage is hard and I personally think makes or breaks a relationship (broke my first, my 2nd DH is a fantastic dad and my experience of being mum the 2nd time around was so different with his support)

we have easy kids, which I do think is a huge amount of luck, and I’d definitely do it all again, even the tantrums and sleepless nights.

Seriously? You haven’t learned to love them yet, and they’re fragile, demanding, absolutely unimpressed at being outside the womb but completely unable to communicate other than by crying (whose different varieties you haven’t had the chance to learn to distinguish between yet), and are unable to do anything for themselves, yet need constant tending — newborns are interesting, sure, complex, fascinating etc, but I couldn’t blame anyone for finding the small baby stage a trudge.

I got ridiculously broody at 31 and couldn't think aboth anything else. Same with my second at 35. Now I'm 100% done. For me the urge to have them was too strong to ignore, but not sure if it's the same for everyone. I appreciate I was very lucky to have them when I wanted to.

I had a busy international career, got engaged at 33, fiance announced at 34 that he didn't want children at all so I called the wedding off. Shortly afterwards I developed a serious gynae problem and was told I was most unlikely to ever have children. Not a good year.

Ten years later at 44, I suddenly became very very tired and went to the GP who did a blood test suspecting thyroid issues. Positive pregnancy test.

As she put it, a one time only, never to be repeated opportunity. 😀 DS was born when I was 45.

Being presented with such a take it or leave it situation made it easier. And by that point I owned my house etc so fewer financial worries.

My now husband and I had just moved into the house we bought together and our wedding was a month away when we conceived. I knew he wanted kids and I couldn’t imagine my life without any. I thought it would take ages to get pregnant so thought we might as well get the first attempt out of the way. I was wrong.

My husband wants another. I don’t right now and am running out of time so not sure what will happen.

There wasn't any "if". For DH or I. We knew we'd want kids.

There was only really the "when". By about 28/29 we felt able to handle it, both enjoyed my baby niece & nephew etc. Then i was 30, we had got married, bought a family house and it was like "right lets do this!". There wasn't any doubt, it was exciting. Kids are now 7 & 4 and life is wonderful.

DH is quite a softy. When his best mates first arrived about 18m after ours, as soon as they were up for visitors he was over there like a flash to cuddle the baby!

Seriously? You haven’t learned to love them yet

Everyone's different. I loved mine before they were even born.

I knew I always wanted to be a mother. Met dh at 22 (he was 28). We were married when I was 26. Started trying straight away, as we owned a house, had good careers, had done a lot of travelling and didn't think we were missing out. Tried for 2 years then had ivf and I was lucky to have dd at 29. I love being a parent. We couldn't have any more but I think in hindsight it was meant to be. 1dc is underrated. We've had a fantastic journey so far. Have done lots of travelling, have disposable income and dh and I have progressed massively in careers. For past 5 years I've worked pt so it's brilliant. Dd plays a sport at a high level that we've been able to support with our time and money. It's been a privilege.

I know that others have hugely different experiences and you can't say what way it will work out for you. I have friends who decided not to and they have amazing and very full lives. Babies aren't the be all and end all.

Honestly I was always quite undecided, and enjoyed my life without children. There was a niggling worry that I'd regret not having them, if I was the one to make that decision.

When I was 37 DH and I decided it was now or never so we'd stop using contraception and let nature take its course. It took a while, during which time we still continued to have our fun and spontaneous child free life.

I found out I was pregnant just before my 40th birthday (3 months ago) and we're thrilled, but going into it with eyes WIDE open and the total expectation that it will be very hard. 3 years kicking around on MN has definitely prepared me for every eventuality that I might never have thought of if I'd been 100% rose-tinted glasses sure all along.

I'm always impressed by that kind of certainty!

I'm in the same situation. I have been with my fiance for 6.5 years and engaged for a year and a bit. Neither of us were bothered about kids but I keep having these niggles. My fiance says he is happy either way. I am 34 and we will be married when I am 36. Ideally want a mortgage and be married before we start trying but worried I am too old. I always thought I was meant to be a fur mummy to cats and in the future a dog and now I don't know.

Noticed my period was even more irregular than usual and peed on a stick. Voila.