How did you decide to have kids and when?

[Drsparks]

Currently debating a childfree life vs ttc

Obviously I know its not always a choice but I wondered how over people came to the decision and timelines

I definitely didn't want them, there was no question in my mind. But when we accidentally got pregnant I couldn't make the decision to terminate. All of a sudden I was 20 weeks gone and we were having a baby. So I never really made the decision to have children.
I have no doubt that life would have carried on being wonderful without my son, but can also say it's wonderful now because I him.
As per previous poster, I'd also made parenting out to be far worse / less joyful in my head than it actually is.
Sadly though, no one can predict the future and no one can help you to realise how you would find it

I decided to put everything else first and take the risk I would have left it too late to have a child. Squeezed in DS just before I turned 40.

Not all women feel this way. I've read plenty of threads over the years where women are beating themselves up because they did not feel like this straight after giving birth.

Had a contraceptive mishap at 28 and ended up with DC1!!
I did always want children though, and we were both really happy with our surprise baby. Next ones were planned though!

In a way I'm kind of glad it happened like that because I have a tendency to overthink things, whereas it just happening meant that I just got on with enjoying the process rather than worrying about TTC. I appreciate that a same sex relationship requires definite planning though!!

It’s so personal. For me it was more a case of “when”, not “if” but your circumstances mean you can’t just have a happy accident. We didn’t have to analyse it foo
much, just knew we were on the right track.
I will say though, you said it was a case of heart saying “yes” and head saying “no”. If your gut feeling is yes and it’s only when you analyse it, it’s a no, then you might, possibly live to regret it. You may be suffering from analysis paralysis.

Good luck!

Was with DH since early 20s, got married late 20s. No interest in children, but 30 hit hard. Started to think, maybe we should? Years of infertility followed. Happily followed eventually by three DC. Wouldn't change that for the world.

I told exDH fairly early on in our relationship that I was ambivalent about having children
He was upfront about wanting DC
Fortunately for him I started to get broody a few years after our marriage when many of our friends were having babies and agreed to ‘try’
Luckily I conceived fairly easily and had 2 DC (17 months apart)
sadly he was not a great father and cheated on me when they were quite young, I spent most of their lives as a lone parent - but it worked well for me - they are grown up now and were very close
I realised that im not a very child friendly person in general but it was totally different with my own

First Xmas after wedding felt really bored, realised kid(s) were missing! TTC from then, conceived on 1st wedding anniversary (I was 29). Never looked back. You'll know if the time comes.

How old are you? I was 40. Too old I think. Wish I'd done it sooner.

It's true kids are expensive, hard work and tiring but having our 2 is the best thing ever. Of course their behaviour can also be absolutely feral at times because they're just normal kids BUT...

Just playing with our 5 year old now he's so funny and such a lovely little guy to be around. We're so proud of him at parents evening/watching him at swimming lessons etc.

Watching our 1yo clapping, playing peekaboo, crawling over and putting her arms up for a cuddle with a massive smile on her face, doing hi fives, saying mumma/dadda/banana. Literally melts my heart 100% every time!

I have my dream career, 8 years under grad and post grad training, excellent employer and lovely colleagues. It's great but nothing compared to the happiness of having kids. And I was absolutely never very maternal before! Only working 12 hours a week atm so I can max out on time with our small people 💗

I was really unsure and never got to the point where I was absolutely certain I wanted to be a mum. DH and I got to 35 and started talking about it seriously as time wasn’t going to be on our side forever and we knew it could take time to conceive or there could be problems. We both felt we could see ourselves being happy with or without children but also both loved the idea of having a family when we’re older, so we went for it.

We were extremely lucky and conceived quickly. I was freaked out by all the people who say that you shouldn’t have a baby unless you’re 100% sure (which I definitely wasn’t). However I don’t regret it. It can be really hard and we both miss our old lives sometimes but our toddler is amazing and brings so much joy. Currently debating whether we try for a second!

Yeah I felt nothing when I held DS for the first time. I had a difficult labour and I was like a zombie by that point!

There wasn't a decision to make, if simply was what I was going to do with my life. I had 4 kids by age 30 and wouldn't change it. I find it monotonous and hard at times but would do it again, exactly the same if I got given a do-over in life.

But you shouldn't do it if you don't - and I cannot stress this enough - actively really really want to. Parenting will cost you everything you have materially and emotionally. There are wonderful highs but the lows are fucking low, and for some people that can include relationship breakdown, disability of themselves following birth injury, unwell or disabled child(ren), financial difficulties etc.

Don't do it unless you are really sure. I was always 50/50 and thought I would anyway, and it hasn't been great for me mentally. I have really struggled, and I still do despite ds being 10. I have stuck with 1 child for that reason.

@Minnie2012
Your post resonated with me. After fertility struggles I was heartbroken in my early 30s and it almost broke me- and contributed to the breakdown of that relationship. Then I came to some sort of acceptance about not being a mother. And now I'm in a new relationship where it could be an option (it was MFI previously) and I'm much more aware of the risks/negatives and also impacts of even trying on a relationship. I'm coming up to 37 so will need to make a decision sometime this year I think.

It's so hard.

If your heart says yes then that's your answer.

Married at 27 and emigrated to the USA. We both wanted kids and I would have had one asap except I didn't know anyone who was married with kids. Everyone I worked with was single or childless, so I worried about the lack of emotional support and having noone to turn to. Finally had our first at 31, second at 33 and 3rd at 37. We wanted more but I miscarried from this point.

As others have said, I was surprised by the joy I felt, I was expecting kids to ruin my life as we just seem to hear the downsides of parenting. But I am so grateful I have them now; 22, 20 & 17. I just love having a close and loving family. I also found a whole new army of women who were mothers with kids the same age as mine. Having a child can mean you suddenly have a lot in common with all sorts of women that you otherwise may not have crossed paths with. I have made lifelong friends through my children and their schools and activities, or mother neighborhood groups

When we say no to.kids we also say no grandchildren, I wouldn't want to be getting older without one or two generations of family younger than me.

I also was orphaned as a teen and I know what it feels like to have no family, noone to turn to and noone to enjoy life with and share memories and mutual support with.

I don't think I decided, it was just a desperate longing for a child that grew and grew and grew. DH took a more logical approach to DC1 re finances, work needed on the house etc. I was nearly 38 when DD was born so we'd had a while to make the most of child free life!

I don't feel like you have to be 100% sure, how can you possibly be?!

I was on the fence for years, thought one day we'd go for it, and then had two over the enext few years. It was a fab decision ans I'm so pleased we did it.

We did think a lot about not going ahead though, and I also firmly believe we could have had a fab happy life childfree.

So I guess I feel like it's roll the dice either way , but so is it with most life decisions- everything you do, you don't do the other options. Obviously children are a higher impact decision than most. Would you be sadder to be 65 with no children? Or to miss out on the freedom/travel/time etc that children definitely impede!

I know several women who weren't sure about kids, who were then suddenly hit with the biological clock around age 37-38, and became desperate for them. One of them unfortunately has not been able to have them – so bear that in mind. Getting pregnant later can be very hard.

I always wanted kids but I put it off for as long as possible (mid 30s), because I knew it would be so difficult. And it is! It's fun and interesting, but the hardest time of my life tbh.

Stick with your heart.

We didn’t want children for all the logistical and financial benefits, until age 30, when I suddenly changed my mind as I could see that children bring the greatest joy. DH admitted he had also changed his mind for the same reason, so we cracked on, and conceived 4 months later. Now pregnant with my second, age 32.

Now we look at our perfect DD and thank the stars that we changed our minds. She is our treasure! Having said that, we have a set up which allows us to have children, if we had no money, time, employment, family, or space, it would be a very different picture - so of course you do need to listen to your head a bit too.

It triggered complex PTSD for me. I didn't know that's what was happening until about 20 years later and I don't regret having my children, but it's not as simple as holding that bundle and feeling love. Don't get me wrong I absolutely did feel love, and fiercely protective in an instant, but there was a lot of other stuff going on too.

I should add though OP I don't regret a minute of being a parent, I have struggled my way through mentally but I have always been able to 'turn up' for them.

I was with my partner for 4.5 years, we lived together and had a fun life. We got engaged and I came off the pill.
I thought having kids was the next step. If I'm honest I never gave it a great deal of thought.

I got pregnant on the 2nd month of not preventing, aged 32. Had DD at 32, nearly 33.

Bloody hell it's hard. So much more than I expected. I love her to bits but the first , I'd say 3 years , I didn't enjoy at all. For a long time I wanted my old life back. I did have post partum psychosis which clouded the early months.

She's an amazing 6 year old now and I'm proud and grateful for her, I love being her mum now but I've never felt the urge to do it again.

The main questions I'd ask in your shoes is : will your partner/husband be supportive. Do you have family support. Do you want to parent a child when you are sick, tired, depressed. Can you afford it.

Being a mum can be wonderful but I do believe it's vastly mis -sold to women. Being childfree is a valid life choice. I have many childfree friends who have great lives.

I wish you luck with your decision x

Unplanned pregnancy in my mid 20s. Had already been together almost 10 years and knew we wanted kids "one day" so proceeded. Had a planned child in my late 20s.

I'm now late 30s. I'm glad we didn't wait until mid 30s onwards, some people I know who waited til then had a great 10 years of holidays, nights out etc whilst I was knee deep in toddler raising, then had their families, several others I know have had difficulty conceiving and may well end up having no children.

If it's important to you then don't wait too long. If you think you wouldn't mind if in the end it didn't happen, then it's fine to delay until if/when you're sure.