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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your husband didn't know if they loved you would you.leave

72 replies

Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 14:46

Been together 17 years marriage has aways been tough
This year has been very far and q few days ago not for the first time this year he said I don't know if he loves me.
Would you stay to wait and find out?
Obviously with the state of the world and cost of living issues I don't think I could cope on my own.
Anyone been in this situation

OP posts:
Valid8me · 28/12/2023 14:53

No, I wouldn't stay. You've said yourself that this isn't the first the this year that he has said it, how long would you be waiting for?

Do you work, is it just money that is stopping you leaving? Do you have children?

Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 15:01

We have one daughter I'm definitely staying for her the thought of not seeing her every day

OP posts:
BuddyBuddyBumBum · 28/12/2023 15:02

No, I wouldn’t stay.

GandTtwice · 28/12/2023 15:02

I think it would depend on what happens next, is he willing to work through this with you? Or has he just backed off after saying this?

Bump2024 · 28/12/2023 15:08

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. You say it’s always been tough, is it the same issues that are left unresolved or are there a string of issues?

I think if you’re both prepared to work at the relationship, you may be able to make it work, but HE has to also want to work at it and make an effort. Maybe start by sitting down and talking openly about what his concerns are and what he feels can be done to improve things. X

ThreeTreeHill · 28/12/2023 15:13

Well it would depend on what he was doing about this feeling, is he organising couples therapy? Time together? What is he doing about it?

But broadly no. I want to be loved by my husband and I want to feel confident in their love

ThreeTreeHill · 28/12/2023 15:17

Also why is he saying it and what does he think has caused it

Sometimes I think this can be said as a manipulation tactic, if someone feels like their partner isn't behaving right or has other priorities. Essentially to scare you into behaving as they want.

SoRainbowRhythms · 28/12/2023 15:19

No advice but in the same situation and sending love. It's awful isn't it x

Pippa12 · 28/12/2023 15:19

Do you love him?

If I thought there might still be something to rekindle I’d stay and work at it.

If my marriage was dead wood, I would split amicably and show my daughter I could be happy alone/meet somebody else.

I definitely wouldn’t stay and teach my children that you stay in an unhappy marriage to service their childhood.

WorriedMum231 · 28/12/2023 15:20

No. In this instance I wouldn’t stay. It wouldn’t be fair.

caringcarer · 28/12/2023 15:25

BuddyBuddyBumBum · 28/12/2023 15:02

No, I wouldn’t stay.

Neither would I. I wouldn't want sex with a husband who did not know if he loved me or not, so really no point in staying in that depressing state of marriage.

starynightskys · 28/12/2023 15:27

You have nothing to fear being on your own but plenty of peace to gain.
No no no i would not stay at all.
Dont love me ok divorce granted no prob.
You gave 17 year to him dont give him anymore.
Id rather be alone with gold fish and struggle and be happy other than stay and be unhappy.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 28/12/2023 15:27

Beware of ow....
He is testing the water on how you would feel if he left you...

Doingtheboxerbeat · 28/12/2023 15:35

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 28/12/2023 15:27

Beware of ow....
He is testing the water on how you would feel if he left you...

This 👆 plus the idea that he could just up and leave at any time - I would need to feel an assemblance of control over what happens in my own future, so I would leave.
Of course if this is just a tactic to try and control you, then he probably come to his senses if you did leave.

cerisepanther73 · 28/12/2023 15:35

@Lockeddownagain

Everyone or most people have their ups and downs in marriage, and in life,
But why on earth has it been such an uphill struggle,
right from the beginning when it really should have been the honeymoon period,

this was a red banner flag waving about like a communists reunion's getogether,

it really shouldnt be this much hard work,

your partner whether married or not, or just courting,
should really enhance your life,

there's something fundamentally wrong with the relationship you are in,
no amount of counselling therapy,
if hes just checked out of the relationship a while ago
or
and only with you, just using for home comforts and wellbeing securities and his own personal insecurities will make this marriage work,

why bother putting in the effort or considering about this, when its just one sided out of kilter balance?

"Anyone been in this kind of situation 😒 before?"

Yes i know someone,
Princess Diana, with her former husband Prince Charles

Rember that engagement 💍 interview with the world's media press and Prince Charles the way he answered that question,

GreyBlackLove · 28/12/2023 15:39

No I wouldn't stay. Is there more to this? When or in what context did he say this? Is he a hands on dad and you're concerned about sharing custody?

Both of you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves and valued them.

peakygold · 28/12/2023 15:42

Same situation here. I don't want a love story. I want a nice home, the bills paid, nice holidays and a pension pot.

2anddone · 28/12/2023 15:50

I'm sorry you are going through this @Lockeddownagain
It sounds like he is following 'The Script' and it wouldn't surprise me if he has his eye on someone else.
Get your ducks in a row and then leave him before he has a chance to leave you.

Siha345 · 28/12/2023 16:03

No, I wouldn’t stay. After that amount of time he either loves me or he doesn’t. And if he doesn’t then I’d be better off without him. Why has your relationship been a struggle and what has happened this year?

cerisepanther73 · 28/12/2023 16:15

Typo omission and *

NoTeaNoShade · 28/12/2023 16:20

You deserve more and you don't have to stay in this situation. You have one life.

Un-mumsnetty hugs to you OP.

Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 16:29

I asked him cos we'd had a shit year . He was having some sort of text thing with a girl from his work i read all the messages and it and I called him out on it and I asked her. He doesn't have many friends and has made it impossible for me to have friends he would not have it that he shouldn't be texting her because how wad it different to me and my.male friends I have when I explain she's single and male friends are married and I have 1 never been to there house at 1am (after a work event he was upset the next day when I was upset and said he didn't mean to upset me he knew I'd be asleep ) and 2 I have never been told by them that their friendship meant alot to me (after knowing each other for about a month) and I have never text them in secert which he was doing and That was in the summer and he is still here. I'm not sure if she was maybe a test and when I caught him he panicked.
I can only describe it like my husband vanished and another guy came in his place and doesnt behave the same way.

OP posts:
WoksAway · 28/12/2023 16:31

No I wouldn't stay.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 28/12/2023 16:32

He’s either shagging her or wants to be, classic script of another woman and suddenly not in love with wife anymore.

NoTeaNoShade · 28/12/2023 16:33

This explanation isn't great, OP. If he loved you, he wouldn't be putting these 'tests' in place.

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