Page 3 | If your husband didn't know if they loved you would you.leave

Lockeddownagain · 2023-12-28T14:46:01+00:00

Been together 17 years marriage has aways been tough This year has been very far and q few days ago not for the first time this year he said I don't know if he loves me. Would you stay to wait and find out? Obviously with the state of the world and cost of living issues I don't think I could cope on my own. Anyone been in this situation

2anddone · 28/12/2023 17:31

Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 17:21

He isn't snagging anyone else ita not about anyone else it's about me why my husband doesn't love me.

Your husband is saying he doesn't love you as he is having an affair whether emotional or sexual. If it's always been a bit shit for the last 17 years he has probably always had his eye out for a 'replacement'. Please Google The Script or look it up on here in Classics it's a real thing!

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/12/2023 17:34

Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 16:36

He's not shagging her I don't think also I feel sorry for her if he is 🤣

OP it actually doesn't even matter whether or not he's shagging her. He may technically not have had sex with her but he's at the very least having an emotional affair and he's checked out of your marriage. And you "feel sorry for her if he is". Come on, you know this is not a marriage worth saving.

Bitchassmosquito · 28/12/2023 17:36

If your husband didn't know if they loved you would you leave?

In principle yes.
Often easier said than done though.

pikkumyy77 · 28/12/2023 17:41

It isn’t about you—its about him. You can’t fix yourself or change yourself into someone he loves. If people love is they just do:warts snd all, thick and thin. If they douthey dou. They might lie and day they do, they might pretend they do foys while, bit if they doureally love you just the way you are you can’t change yourself enough to hold them. So stop wasting time trying to figure him out or figure out what he means. His words don’t really matter—his actions tell you he doesn’t care about you.

Prelapsarianhag · 28/12/2023 17:44

It's part of the cheater's script. If he isn't, he wants to. There is a saying that Love is a verb. If a couple want to stay together this is how the word is used.
I would be getting my ducks in a row.

Nicole1111 · 28/12/2023 17:51

I’d leave. Your daughter likely can see that the relationship isn’t ideal and I’d want to show her what not settling looks like.

PickAChew · 28/12/2023 17:56

If it looks like a dickhead and acts like a dickhead...

He might not be shagging someone else but he most likely wants to. He doesn't sound particularly invested in making your relationship better.

Delassalle · 28/12/2023 18:01

Not loving a partner can turn into not liking them and then hating them.

Get out now why you can still be amicable.

SwordToFlamethrower · 28/12/2023 18:04

You're not sure?
Oh, OK then. You should definitely move out then. Me and our daughter will stay here, so not to cause her upset and disruption.
If you decide you don't want to stay in the marriage, leave permanently.

Want any help packing your bags?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 28/12/2023 18:13

Your marriage is over for him already I think, he just wants you to be the one to actually end it.

VampireWeekday · 28/12/2023 18:25

I think it depends on lots of things. In your circumstances I'd find out more. Ask him why he's not sure, what changed and when.

I think it can work if neither cheat and both remain committed to the family.

Neriah · 28/12/2023 18:30

I am absolutely not going to defend him, but I am going to pose a different perspective.

I don't think there's a definition of "love" that works for a lifetime. That lusting "love" of an early relationship is chemistry. Its science. Its evolution. It's actually the very carnal "survival of the species" stuff. And lasts, according to science, for up to two years - and often less.

The idea of lifelong marriage was a relatively recent idea (that not all humans have ever subscribed to) and worked fantastically when at least one person - usually the woman - was dead at an early age.

So love is so many things, has so many forms, that I don't think being unsure about if you are in love or what that means is a simple equation. Or one that doesn't change. Or even be confusing as hell...

So the question isn't really does he love you, or even do you love him, but can you NOW find common ground about what you can share that enables your relationship? For some people fidelity is not the measure, for others it is. For some people the housework is make or break. For some "friends with benefits" is great. All these and more are "love".

People here will have their own opinions. But those are what they call love - that's not the same thing as you call it, I call it, or your husband calls it. You need to decide what you can live with, or without... and not what we want!

FrancisSeaton · 28/12/2023 18:32

Neriah · 28/12/2023 18:30

I am absolutely not going to defend him, but I am going to pose a different perspective.

I don't think there's a definition of "love" that works for a lifetime. That lusting "love" of an early relationship is chemistry. Its science. Its evolution. It's actually the very carnal "survival of the species" stuff. And lasts, according to science, for up to two years - and often less.

The idea of lifelong marriage was a relatively recent idea (that not all humans have ever subscribed to) and worked fantastically when at least one person - usually the woman - was dead at an early age.

So love is so many things, has so many forms, that I don't think being unsure about if you are in love or what that means is a simple equation. Or one that doesn't change. Or even be confusing as hell...

So the question isn't really does he love you, or even do you love him, but can you NOW find common ground about what you can share that enables your relationship? For some people fidelity is not the measure, for others it is. For some people the housework is make or break. For some "friends with benefits" is great. All these and more are "love".

People here will have their own opinions. But those are what they call love - that's not the same thing as you call it, I call it, or your husband calls it. You need to decide what you can live with, or without... and not what we want!

But it's funny how this questioning always coincides with talking to another woman isn't it

Spacecowboys · 28/12/2023 18:35

No I wouldn’t leave, I would expect him too! Then see how we both felt after some space.

thefirstmrsrochester · 28/12/2023 18:45

My ‘h’ told me he loved me but wasn’t ‘in love with me’ weeks after our son completed treatment for cancer. And left.

He had been shagging a colleague prior to and through the duration of our son’s treatment.

They both work for a national cancer charity. She was his shoulder to cry on apparently.

Some men are just scum, no matter how long you have known them.

Do not beg for love.

If he doesn’t love you then he must leave, let him chase his ‘happiness’.

You will find your happiness OP, not right away, but you will be happy in time.

pikkumyy77 · 28/12/2023 19:26

The poster who got all philosophical about love is overthinking this. Colloquially love id the tie that binds between lovers and partners. They have to feel it and feel thst it is significantly different from the love they have for others or they are mismatched. OP wants to feel/know her party”loves” her and he won’t say he does. What else is to be said? He doesn’t want to be in the same type of relationship she does—call it love or call it lust he doesn’t want to be in it with her.

Original poster

Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 20:51

For yhe person that asked me how I would feel if my child had a step mother I have to say currently I don't care. I just imagine living in peace and that seems amazing

OP posts:

PurpleBugz · 28/12/2023 21:24

If he treats you well otherwise I'd probably stay and suggest counselling, start dating each other again and try save it. (After checking for affairs). Yet I'd still form a plan for how to spilt up and work out how I could be ok financially alone. But don't put up with it for years and years, give trying to fix it a few months and if it doesn't work walk away

PurpleBugz · 28/12/2023 21:27

PurpleBugz · 28/12/2023 21:24

If he treats you well otherwise I'd probably stay and suggest counselling, start dating each other again and try save it. (After checking for affairs). Yet I'd still form a plan for how to spilt up and work out how I could be ok financially alone. But don't put up with it for years and years, give trying to fix it a few months and if it doesn't work walk away

Actually having read your updates I say leave him he's using you as a place holder till he finds someone he thinks is better

LegoFlower · 28/12/2023 21:31

Absolutely. How could you possibly stay?

2anddone · 29/12/2023 09:48

Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 20:51

For yhe person that asked me how I would feel if my child had a step mother I have to say currently I don't care. I just imagine living in peace and that seems amazing

The I think you should definitely leave. The one thing that kept me clinging on (in hindsight much longer than I should have) was the thought of my children being introduced to a whole new family I knew nothing about!

ellie09 · 29/12/2023 11:49

Is he prepared to put in the effort to at least try?

Ask him if he is willing to do couples counselling, date nights 1x a week and cut off communication with other women and focus on your marriage.

If he didnt want to do this for me, I would be telling him its over.