Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your husband didn't know if they loved you would you.leave

72 replies

Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 14:46

Been together 17 years marriage has aways been tough
This year has been very far and q few days ago not for the first time this year he said I don't know if he loves me.
Would you stay to wait and find out?
Obviously with the state of the world and cost of living issues I don't think I could cope on my own.
Anyone been in this situation

OP posts:
2anddone · 28/12/2023 16:36

Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 16:29

I asked him cos we'd had a shit year . He was having some sort of text thing with a girl from his work i read all the messages and it and I called him out on it and I asked her. He doesn't have many friends and has made it impossible for me to have friends he would not have it that he shouldn't be texting her because how wad it different to me and my.male friends I have when I explain she's single and male friends are married and I have 1 never been to there house at 1am (after a work event he was upset the next day when I was upset and said he didn't mean to upset me he knew I'd be asleep ) and 2 I have never been told by them that their friendship meant alot to me (after knowing each other for about a month) and I have never text them in secert which he was doing and That was in the summer and he is still here. I'm not sure if she was maybe a test and when I caught him he panicked.
I can only describe it like my husband vanished and another guy came in his place and doesnt behave the same way.

Sounds like my xh I then found out he was meeting strangers off the internet for sex throughout our whole marriage and while we were dating before marriage and that he was having an affair with someone 15 years younger.
Seriously consider leaving him...and get an STD test too just in case!

Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 16:36

He's not shagging her I don't think also I feel sorry for her if he is 🤣

OP posts:
TheSpruce · 28/12/2023 16:37

If your marriage has never been great, bluntly, it isn't going to get any better now, is it?!

Also sounds like he's lining up the next one so if you don't find your self respect and leave, he will anyway.

SoIRejoined · 28/12/2023 16:38

Not knowing if he loves you could be his way of expressing that he feels angry, let down, hurt etc. But your update makes things much clearer. He's checked out of this relationship I fear.

Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 16:39

No need for std is it wrong to want him to leave as I don't want to be the one to leave

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 28/12/2023 16:39

He's checked out of the marriage and is preparing the ground to leave but is trying to assuage the guilt of having an affair with someone else

Don't stand for it. Take back the control and leave (or better still make him leave). This is no way to live. What makes you think you don't deserve any better than waiting around for some dickhead to get bored of playing away?

Fuck that.

Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 16:42

Totaly get that last comment but he's not just some dickhead he's been my home for 17years and he's my child's father

OP posts:
Jamjaris · 28/12/2023 16:44

You need to get your ducks in a row, he has emotionally left your relationship even if nothing sexual has happened between them.
I wouldn’t be waiting till he leaves nor on tender hooks till he does I’d kick him out

Rocksonabeach · 28/12/2023 16:44

Doingtheboxerbeat · 28/12/2023 15:35

This 👆 plus the idea that he could just up and leave at any time - I would need to feel an assemblance of control over what happens in my own future, so I would leave.
Of course if this is just a tactic to try and control you, then he probably come to his senses if you did leave.

Show quote history

This and when most people say they don’t know it is to control you, get you to try harder, get you to take the blame, watch you become more insecure and then call you paranoid.

Years ago I had someone who I in a ltr with tell me the morning after a lovely weekend of home cooking and sex and he wasn’t sure about if he loved me - considering he was away all week I found that a shitty thing to do so I just said ok fine, that’s ok let’s just be friends and shut the door nicely. Then I dropped him very very fast.

He went spare and constantly texting etc and I was just like - nope 👎 this doesn’t work you were lucky to have me and I invested 6 months and I’m done. He tried everything. For me my feelings stopped the moment he did that to me.

pikkumyy77 · 28/12/2023 16:45

No: he has been in your home for 17 years and is your child’s father and is ALSO some dickhead.

L1ttledrummergirl · 28/12/2023 16:47

I would tell him to leave. If he doesn't love you, why is he with you?
Why would you tolerate being someone's fall back rather than their everything?

He is doing you both a disservice by staying and that won't be a great environment for your dc.

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/12/2023 16:54

Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 16:42

Totaly get that last comment but he's not just some dickhead he's been my home for 17years and he's my child's father

He's your child's father, yes. That doesn't mean he's not a dickhead: the two things are not mutually exclusive. Lots of us have dickheads for our children's fathers. It doesn't mean we're locked into staying with them in perpetuity if it doesn't work for us. Many of us have gone on to have joyful lives after getting shot of said dickheads.

Put it another way: what do you stand to gain by waiting patiently around for a man with whom you no longer have a good marriage (by the sounds of it you never did), who says he's not sure he loves you and who has been at the very least preparing the ground for an affair with another woman?

What can such a man offer you? Dishonesty? check. Control? check. Insecurity? check.

Again: what has happened to you to make you think this is the best you deserve? I don't know you but I can guarantee you you deserve better.

Life is too short for this shit.

Namechange666 · 28/12/2023 17:05

I don't mean to be unkind...

But you really need to prepare to leave.

If you work great. If you don't, try ginger bread link for single people and the benefits calculator. Plus he will have to pay maintenance.

It's only a matter of time before he leaves himself. He's already got his fingers in other pies. He's investing in his "friendship" instead of you and your family. Plus he doesn't know if he loves you. It's the script. Don't do the pick me dance. Prepare for you and your daughter. You deserve to be loved properly.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 28/12/2023 17:09

Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 16:36

He's not shagging her I don't think also I feel sorry for her if he is 🤣

He is Op and he’s trying to make you into the bad guy by forcing you to leave so he doesn’t have to make the decision.

get out. But make it clear, he’s caused it.

ChanelNo19EDT · 28/12/2023 17:14
cos, what's the point of him tolerating your relationship. Love this song. I'm happily single (or happy to be single) but I used to put up with all manner of crap.

Taylor Swift - tolerate it (Official Lyric Video)

Official lyric video by Taylor Swift performing “tolerate it” – off her evermore album. Listen to the album here: https://taylor.lnk.to/evermorealbum Get tic...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukxEKY_7MOc

Reddog1 · 28/12/2023 17:18

If he falls in love with someone you’ll have no control over the timing, that’s the problem. He will initiate a separation and you’ll be obliged to comply with a divorce. At least get your finances etc in order and make a “single life” plan so that you are prepared for this if it happens.

Better still, see a solicitor and take the reins!

SALWARP2023 · 28/12/2023 17:20

I would not leave but quietly quit. He perhaps needs to miss you. Don't engage in anything but basic conversation and when the kids are not around don't be in the same room. No texts either unless it's practical stuff. He's a scab you keep picking at so stop. How would you feel if you left and he finds a new partner and your kids have a step mother?

Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 28/12/2023 17:21

He isn't snagging anyone else ita not about anyone else it's about me why my husband doesn't love me.

OP posts:
ExTheCheater · 28/12/2023 17:22

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 28/12/2023 15:27

Beware of ow....
He is testing the water on how you would feel if he left you...

This 👍🏼

Ottersfortea · 28/12/2023 17:24

He’s cheating or dreaming of cheating.

Google and read the script. These men are so tedious the script covers what happens time and time again. It’s very predictable. Boringly predictable.

You think he’s a good guy because you are judging him by your standards. He is using your trust to sniff around a woman. Look after yourself. Also Google the 180 and use this to look after yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2023 17:24

He's trying to get you to leave him so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. I say grant him the favour. It's very sad that you don't want more for yourself than this sorry shit.

LuluBlakey1 · 28/12/2023 17:24

I'd make him leave. He doesn't sound all that at the best of times. You deserve to be happy, not unloved.

DocOck · 28/12/2023 17:27

Nope, I'd be out the door.

DollyDaydreamW · 28/12/2023 17:27

A friend's husband said this exact same thing to her. It coincided with him starting to eat better and lift weights, have a close female work friend etc. She seems to be oblivious to the script and I'd be shot as the cynical messenger if I dared point it out.

Missingmyusername · 28/12/2023 17:31

I think it depends, stage of life, income, children, animals, if there’s animosity or just acceptance and your amicable.

I wouldn’t want to stay though.