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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be thinking about going on holiday without my husband but with our baby?

57 replies

Sevendayhigher · 27/12/2023 19:46

My family are planning a trip far away abroad and have invited me, my husband and our baby along (although they’re aware it’s not really my husband’s thing). My husband doesn’t want to go because he wouldn’t enjoy it (it’s a Disneyland trip) and he doesn’t want to spend the money it would cost for him to go because of that, but also doesn’t really want me to go alone with our baby too as he’s sad about the idea of me going away with our baby without him and will feel left out of our son's first trip abroad, plus he’s said he’s a little worried about the distance from him if something were to happen (although it’s mainly about feeling left out of a family holiday with our son). What’s more, I don’t really want him to go on a Disney holiday he’d rather not be at because the whole point is to be enthusiastic and have fun, which I really don’t think he will!

He’s not said I can’t go at all and has actually said I should go because he wants me to have a nice time. The thing is, I do get where he’s coming from - I wouldn’t want to go on an expensive trip I wasn’t interested in but equally wouldn’t want him to go on his own with our baby, so I do appreciate his feelings about it. He also feels bad about having those feelings and told me I should go if I’d enjoy it, but I don’t want to if he’s not happy about it because I just won’t have fun and will feel bad. Part of me also feels a little sad that he won't be there for our son's first trip away.

I think what’s worrying me even more is that my family are almost certainly going to misinterpret this as some kind of controlling move on his part where he’s “not letting me go because he doesn’t want to go”, and I can’t really face trying to explain to them that this isn’t the case. I know that it isn’t to do with that - it’s just FOMO and the fact it’s our son’s first trip abroad, but it’s an added worry to have to explain it. Ultimately I care more about upsetting my husband than I do about upsetting my family, which is why it’s not really a case of me upsetting someone either way so just making the decision based on what I want!

What’s worrying me is that I do want to go. I haven’t even been on a night out (which I know is very different from a trip away) but I do feel like I really need something that’s not just about the baby. Then again I do think I’d feel the same way in my husband’s position and it doesn’t feel quite right that he’s not there for our baby’s first trip away. It’s been left to me to decide whether I still want to go but I’m really not sure I’ll be able to enjoy it knowing my husband didn’t want this.

Can anyone help me out with this one?

OP posts:

Orangello · 27/12/2023 20:01

We've taken all kinds of things separately - me with one DC, DH with other, me with both, him staying home etc. People have different interests and preferences. Go and have fun, there will be plenty of family trips that he will also enjoy.

Maray1967 · 27/12/2023 20:02

You say you’ve all been invited - but then talk about the money it will cost. Who is paying?

You and DH need to discuss it and whatever you decide, tell your parents whether you’re going or not. If they’re not paying for you, the cost would be a factor for a start. You might prefer to fiend the money in a family holiday that you’ll all enjoy. A baby isn’t going to get much out of Disney.

Maray1967 · 27/12/2023 20:02

Spend the money not fiend it!

Starrydream · 27/12/2023 20:03

I couldn’t think of a worse destination with a baby - Disneyland?! How old is your baby? Are you expecting relatives to hold your baby while you take a turn on rides, do the shows etc? What is baby is having a grumpy day, sick etc? All that money spent on your dream of Disneyland when you are the only one out of the three in your family unit who will get any enjoyment out of it.

If it were me I would save your money and have a trip away with your DH and DC, but ignore what your family might think and so what you want.

dammit88 · 27/12/2023 20:04

How old is the baby?

dammit88 · 27/12/2023 20:06

Can you go and leave the baby with your husband?

Catza · 27/12/2023 20:11

Go and leave him with the baby.

nimski · 28/12/2023 01:27

We took baby and toddler to Disneyland - total waste of time. I'd go on your own if you want to go.

mondaytosunday · 28/12/2023 01:58

I wouldn't want to go to Disney anyway but certainly not with a baby.

Toomuch2019 · 28/12/2023 02:00

I'd go. He has the choice to come but he is choosing not to.

Personally I've taken 2 babies to Disney and they are really kid friendly, lots of facilities. While they may not get a lot out of it per se it's not a bad experience if you want to go to Disney with your parents yourself. Enjoy!

Incongruance · 28/12/2023 02:01

The baby will hate it. If anything, go on your own and leave baby with husband.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/12/2023 02:08

How old will baby be during this holiday ?

He won't actually know it's his first trip abroad will he ?

Is it the French one or the USA one ? - that's a long flight for a lone parent, are you expecting lots of childcare help from your family ?

As someone said, who is holding the baby whilst you are going on the rides etc.

Or are you going to be spending all your time playing with your baby in a soft play area if there is one ?

wiminlot · 28/12/2023 02:26

We took our 3mo and 4yo to Disneyland Paris and the older child loved it. The baby didn't hate it but it was baby-friendly and she could go on quite a few rides (she didn't get much out of it but it means you can all go on and not have to take turns). She was happy enough coming around with us and looking at things though, babies are generally very portable. We do have an autistic person in the family so we had a queue pass - it would probably be less fun having to do all the queues. We did a Florida flight (not to Disney) when she was a year old and she was fine on a long-haul flight too.

I wouldn't have wanted to go on holiday without my DH though. For me part of the whole point of a family holiday is to spend time together as a family, we'd miss him. Plus I find that other relatives don't help out as much as DH so it's a lot more work. Obviously that could be different depending on your DH/family.

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 28/12/2023 03:06

I wouldn't take a baby to Disneyland. I'm sure it's very baby friendly, but to me it's a waste of money until a child is old enough to appreciate the experience. If you want to go, how about you go and leave baby with his dad? Dad gets one on one time, you get a holiday you'll clearly enjoy. Win win!

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 28/12/2023 03:20

I would definitely want to do my baby's first overseas trip with my husband. It's not what your husband wants but what you want. You can tell your family YOU want to go away as a family unit later. Your husband seems very considerate so I would not disappoint him. Imagine yourself in his position. Sometimes you need to do the right thing for your own family unit.

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 28/12/2023 03:23

If you need a break in the meantime, maybe organise a short trip or a day out with friends or a spa day on your own and leave baby with him? That would allow you a proper break.

Redglitter · 28/12/2023 03:25

You going & leaving baby with Dad sounds a good compromise. A baby is going to get absolutely nothing out of the whole Disney experience so he won't be missing out. Then in a few years time you could go as a family, that way you have your first big holiday together & your son will be of an age to thoroughly enjoy it

Tourmalines · 28/12/2023 03:43

I’m not sure why you can’t explain to your family the truth and just tell them what you have said in your post here , rather than them thinking he is controlling you . Set them straight. Also, at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what they think, it’s about you and your husband and your child. I could not have gone away on our first holiday without my DH . Some people have said you go but leave the child with him . How old is child ?? I couldn’t have done that either .

Ambi · 28/12/2023 03:46

I've been away with DD without DH when she was little because DH was unable to take time off work. It wasn't a big ticket trip like yours though.
However, Disney with a baby is not ideal. At 3 they are aware of the characters and can go on some attractions, better aged 7+ when they can ride most things. It would be a very expensive pram walk for you IMO and the baby would not remember it.

GoodbyeKyle · 28/12/2023 03:51

How old is your baby? I'd love to take our little one to Disneyland but honestly I think it would be far too much for her - sensory overload, how the heck would I get her to nap, what if she gets overtired. It's bloody expensive too and she won't remember it.

Agree with the posts about family members helping. They will likely say they'll help you, but your baby will probably only want you (or their dad) to comfort them if they get upset.

I'd feel sad about DH not being on our baby's first holiday too.

Maybe the three of you have your own holiday abroad, a destination you're both excited about and won't begrudge spending so much money on, and do Disneyland once baby is older and DH has had some time to come to terms with it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2023 03:52

You have to pick one.

You won;t leave DC with DH.
You won't take DC without DH.
DH won't come.
DH doesn't want you and DC to go without him.

Everyone just needs to think about the least worst option. For me, that's always to take the trip. Without DH if he doesn't want to go. I mean who actually cares about seeing a child who won't remember get on a plane? Why is that significant? But if he's bothered, and it's worth seeing his kid on a plane, he should come. Disney hotels are nice enough, he can swim, catch up on reading, eat crap.

mantyzer · 28/12/2023 03:55

I would go. So many doom mongerers here. I find mums are either the type to happily go on holiday with a baby and be flexible. Or they are the kind that would not dream of going abroad with a baby elsewhere and have a long list of anxieties about just how hard it would be.
You know your own baby and whether they would be fine or not.

mantyzer · 28/12/2023 03:58

And my sister was insistent she went on a plane first with her child. So her son missed out on a school trip abroad he wanted to go on.
Going on babies first plane ride is not a milestone event. The baby will not even understand what a plane ride is. Plane rides with children old enough to appreciate the magic of flying are very different. A baby will not,

Mamasperspective · 28/12/2023 04:25

Can you not do a small nuclear family trip first so he's not missing out on baby's first trip and then you can still do this holiday with your family?

SALWARP2023 · 28/12/2023 04:25

Don't go. You are a family now. Plan a trip together. If you left DC behind you would miss them and it would spoil your holiday.

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