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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thinking about going on holiday without my husband but with our baby?

57 replies

Sevendayhigher · 27/12/2023 19:46

My family are planning a trip far away abroad and have invited me, my husband and our baby along (although they’re aware it’s not really my husband’s thing). My husband doesn’t want to go because he wouldn’t enjoy it (it’s a Disneyland trip) and he doesn’t want to spend the money it would cost for him to go because of that, but also doesn’t really want me to go alone with our baby too as he’s sad about the idea of me going away with our baby without him and will feel left out of our son's first trip abroad, plus he’s said he’s a little worried about the distance from him if something were to happen (although it’s mainly about feeling left out of a family holiday with our son). What’s more, I don’t really want him to go on a Disney holiday he’d rather not be at because the whole point is to be enthusiastic and have fun, which I really don’t think he will!

He’s not said I can’t go at all and has actually said I should go because he wants me to have a nice time. The thing is, I do get where he’s coming from - I wouldn’t want to go on an expensive trip I wasn’t interested in but equally wouldn’t want him to go on his own with our baby, so I do appreciate his feelings about it. He also feels bad about having those feelings and told me I should go if I’d enjoy it, but I don’t want to if he’s not happy about it because I just won’t have fun and will feel bad. Part of me also feels a little sad that he won't be there for our son's first trip away.

I think what’s worrying me even more is that my family are almost certainly going to misinterpret this as some kind of controlling move on his part where he’s “not letting me go because he doesn’t want to go”, and I can’t really face trying to explain to them that this isn’t the case. I know that it isn’t to do with that - it’s just FOMO and the fact it’s our son’s first trip abroad, but it’s an added worry to have to explain it. Ultimately I care more about upsetting my husband than I do about upsetting my family, which is why it’s not really a case of me upsetting someone either way so just making the decision based on what I want!

What’s worrying me is that I do want to go. I haven’t even been on a night out (which I know is very different from a trip away) but I do feel like I really need something that’s not just about the baby. Then again I do think I’d feel the same way in my husband’s position and it doesn’t feel quite right that he’s not there for our baby’s first trip away. It’s been left to me to decide whether I still want to go but I’m really not sure I’ll be able to enjoy it knowing my husband didn’t want this.

Can anyone help me out with this one?

OP posts:
Tacotortoise · 28/12/2023 04:34

It seems strange to me to spend family money (and quite a lot of it) on a jolly for you. Why not book a holiday with your dh instead?

flowerchild2000 · 28/12/2023 04:40

Just go! DH sounds sweet but it's not that big of a deal. I can't remember any of my kids' "firsts", just lots of happy memories. Why don't you three go on a small trip locally? Nothing expensive just an outing and take lots of photos and make it special. Then the Disney trip is just a Disney trip he's not missing anything on.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 28/12/2023 04:43

I wouldn't think Disney land will be much fun with a child under 3. They can't go on anything, so you won't be able to.

Ambi · 28/12/2023 04:44

mantyzer · 28/12/2023 03:55

I would go. So many doom mongerers here. I find mums are either the type to happily go on holiday with a baby and be flexible. Or they are the kind that would not dream of going abroad with a baby elsewhere and have a long list of anxieties about just how hard it would be.
You know your own baby and whether they would be fine or not.

Which I completely understand for many places abroad but Disney? I'm guessing Orlando? $140 for a 1 day ticket to MK in 30+ ° heat with a baby that can't enjoy the rides and won't remember it? Doesn't seem like it makes sense.

s4usagefingers · 28/12/2023 04:47

I’d never do it and it sounds like you don’t want to either and mainly just don’t want your family to think your husband is being controlling. They sound a little bit demanding of you and not very understanding that you would probably want to do a holiday as a family unit first. Also Disney with a baby would be hell for me but again thats
personal preference.

Pepperama · 28/12/2023 04:59

I’d prioritise doing something that you’ll all enjoy as a family of three.
If he genuinely didn’t mind and you’re affluent enough to do both family holidays and Disney that’d be different . But he minds (although he’s gracious about it) and I totally get it. I would if I was him. And in your shoes I probably wouldn’t enjoy a holiday that I know makes my partner feel unloved

Anneta · 28/12/2023 04:59

I love Disney holidays but it wouldn’t be my first choice of trip for a baby. It’s fun to go on the rides but realistically how many could you actually go on with your child? I would rather plan a family friendly trip away with your husband & baby and leave the Disney trip until your child is quite a bit older to enjoy and remember it.

HoppingPavlova · 28/12/2023 05:26

Weird on so many levels. Babies don’t remember ‘first trips’, so your DH is not missing out on any ‘making memories’ malarkey 🙄. Also couldn’t think of anywhere worse to take a baby than Disneyland. They won’t be able to do anything other than be pushed around in pram and it will limit you being able to do 99.99% of stuff.

MaryShelley1818 · 28/12/2023 07:57

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 28/12/2023 04:43

I wouldn't think Disney land will be much fun with a child under 3. They can't go on anything, so you won't be able to.

Apart from a child under 3 can go on absolutely loads of rides...the vast majority in fact! Plus shows, characters, parades, fireworks.

We've been to Disneyland Paris 4 times (DS at 18mths, 24mths, 4yrs and 5yrs. DD at 15mths and 2.5yrs). There is literally not a more perfect destination for young children, and we travel a lot and have been to many other places too. Mine have absolutely loved it at every age and both love rides.

We're taking them to Florida in October at 6 and 3.

OP - go and have a brilliant time with your family, nothing wrong with having different interests and things to enjoy.

CurlewKate · 28/12/2023 08:05

@Sevendayhigher "I think what’s worrying me even more is that my family are almost certainly going to misinterpret this as some kind of controlling move on his part where he’s “not letting me go because he doesn’t want to go”

But that's how it is, isn't it? You want to go- he doesn't want you to, so you aren't going.

Original poster
Sevendayhigher · 28/12/2023 08:09

It’s not really how it is because he’s said to me several times that he thinks I should go despite how it makes him feel, so there’s no “not letting me” like it might be interpreted. Nor is he being controlling about it, so it’s just a case of finding a way to explain that to family members.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 28/12/2023 08:20

We took DS to Disney when he was about 6, whilst queuing for meeting characters we saw so many babies/toddlers screaming when the family finally got to the front of the queue to meet the character. Really not worth spending the money when they are little.

Mumofmarauders · 28/12/2023 08:23

When I was on mat leave with my eldest we flew quite a lot (to a holiday in the canaries with my mum and sister, to my best friend in Northern Ireland). I think it never occurred to either my husband or me that he was missing out on anything by not going on the plane with a writhing baby who had no idea what was going on!
That said I think your DH is reasonable not wanting to wate money going to Disneyland if it's not his thing, and you're right to prefer to go without him (my youngest and I have been without my husband and eldest partly for that reason! It would be my husband's nightmare and he would be visibly miserable which would massively decrease my enjoyment too). If you can get comfortable with leaving your DC (obviously that's easier if it's just a for a couple of days) then I think you going and they staying is the perfect solution.

VivaVivaa · 28/12/2023 08:25

How old will your baby be when you go?

Olika · 28/12/2023 08:26

If you want to go with your family then just go. I don't understand this first this first that with kids. It's like everything needs to be turned into a milestone.

Zanatdy · 28/12/2023 08:31

Just tell your family it’s a lot of money and you are going to wait until your baby is older, maybe 5 plus. Even for you it’s not cheap, so don’t even mention the fact your DH will miss babies first holiday etc. Standing in queues all day (baby swap for rides) won’t be fun for a baby either. Book a holiday that you’re both interested in and baby tags along and fits in. Wait until baby is older for big holidays

qpalbfy · 28/12/2023 08:34

For me it really depends on who is paying. If your family are paying, crack on and enjoy. If you're paying your share so it essentially needs to come out of your own family's money I would turn it down, it is expensive, a baby will get little out of it, and you can use the money for a holiday more appropriate for your family. If your child was older I'd be saying your DH should make more effort, but for a baby wouldn't give this holiday a second thought unless it was mostly paid for.

Nicole1111 · 28/12/2023 08:39

This is a him problem and not a you problem. Parents do lots of things they might not enjoy for their children and to see the enjoyment the child gets from it. If he doesn’t want to go that’s fine but it’s not for you to worry about how he’ll feel. If you start putting him before you and the baby now that will set a precedent and you have to ask yourself what else your child might miss out on in the future. Tell your family the truth. It’s not his thing and he chose not to come for that reason and to save money.

Ktime · 28/12/2023 08:46

How old is your baby?

My views are coloured by the fact that I absolutely hated Disneyland (both in Florida and France), and I can’t imagine I would have liked it any more taking care of a baby whilst everyone else goes on the attractions.

However, it’s concerning that you never get any time away with the baby. Why is that? Is baby breast fed? Does DH encourage you to go out? I’m worried that the bigger picture is that DH wants you home with the baby all the time, which is not ok. In which case I think a change is as good as a rest (especially if your family will help you the baby) and you should go with them.

CurlewKate · 28/12/2023 08:51

@Sevendayhigher "It’s not really how it is because he’s said to me several times that he thinks I should go despite how it makes him feel, so there’s no “not letting me” like it might be interpreted. Nor is he being controlling about it, so it’s just a case of finding a way to explain that to family members."

Saying repeatedly "Of course you should go- but it will make me sad. But of course you should go." is controlling. Control can be subtler than just saying "no".

gannett · 28/12/2023 09:08

CurlewKate · 28/12/2023 08:51

@Sevendayhigher "It’s not really how it is because he’s said to me several times that he thinks I should go despite how it makes him feel, so there’s no “not letting me” like it might be interpreted. Nor is he being controlling about it, so it’s just a case of finding a way to explain that to family members."

Saying repeatedly "Of course you should go- but it will make me sad. But of course you should go." is controlling. Control can be subtler than just saying "no".

But where's the line between controlling and just expressing his reasonable feelings, then? I think it's natural for him to want to be part of his child's first overseas trip, so... how should he express that to the OP?

I want to know more about why OP's family will immediately assume he's controlling, though. Either he has form for controlling behaviour OR they are unpleasant people who think the worst of others. Why don't they like him? OP seems to like him more than them, and feels the most pressure from them. That's the central issue here - the tension between her family and her husband.

Because if everyone else was reasonable there wouldn't be a big dilemma. Every option available to her is normal and reasonable.

Original poster
Sevendayhigher · 28/12/2023 09:11

No I totally get your point, but that’s just not how our conversations about this went :) The subtleties of his tone/exact phrasing are too difficult to convey in a post but rest assured he’s not being controlling by expressing his honest feelings about this. I’m familiar with controlling/manipulative behaviour but this wasn’t it. Thanks though because you’re right, it can sometimes be like that, just not in this case! :)

OP posts:
Sisterpita · 28/12/2023 09:12

@Sevendayhigher a pp asked a key question is it Disneyland Paris, Disneyland California or Walt Disney World in Florida.

This is relevant - if it’s Paris DH could come with you but instead of spending time in the parks he could take a train to Paris. Very easy to do and so many things he could do.

If it’s Florida - again there is more than the parks e.g. Kennedy Space Centre, Everglades, beaches that can be done as day trips.

California - again loads to do beside the parks.

I think you and DH need to look at how you can go together but then have days together and days apart so you both enjoy the holiday. On the days together you alternate who chooses what you do.

Unless you travel on your own holidays are always involve compromise.

Attictroll · 28/12/2023 09:15

Forget about who's going for a moment and think do you want to go to Disneyland. If it's just about wanting time away not about Disneyland just organise a trip without dh or baby somewhere you want to go to get a break. Then a family until trip with dp and baby. As your saying baby I'm assuming they are under 1. Any travel trip with a baby I did not find enjoyable but I definitely would not have gone for more than a night without them and would have hated leaving them for longer at home. Also in first year I only had 2-3 nights out alone and that seems about normal for my friends had many lovely afternoons. The First year is hard.

You've been given a chance of a trip to Disney but is it a break you want or that trip! Baby in Disney is a waste of money and stressful work out what you really need and want and have a conversation with dp about it. I kind of get dp wanting a family trip abroad as a first as I would have hated it the other way round. If that the issue try and do a mini break before somewhere easy with a baby.

Goldbar · 28/12/2023 09:15

I would go if your family are the helpful sort who will push the baby round in the pram and take them over meals while you eat and get a bit of time for you.

I'm on my second DC now and, for me, getting to enjoy a meal (especially one I haven't cooked) in peace and a few minutes' here and there as an unencumbered human being are more important than artificially involving my DH in all our baby's dubious "firsts" (and tbh "first time on a plane" is rather low down the list of important firsts for me, but I understand for some parents this would be very important).

You are in the thick of it and you have had a lot of practice over the past months at putting other people's (especially your child's) needs before your own. I don't think YABU to say "actually, although the holiday is not ideal for a baby, a change of scene and having family around to help will be really good for me as a person at this point in time", if you want to go.