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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants a vasectomy… AIBU?

66 replies

mikka404 · 27/12/2023 16:22

i gave birth to my first three weeks ago—she was premature and on top of that the labour was traumatic, we almost lost her twice in the process and myself towards the end as my body was shutting down to all the pain (gas&air, pethidine, 3 epidurals—none worked).

my partner has now decided he doesn’t want anymore kids. our daughter is his third, so i can understand why—just confused as this has come out of nowhere. we have talked about having two from the moment we got together. his plan was to get the reversible snip, but since finding out (we hadn’t done much, if any research, as wasn’t going to be an instant thing) that it’s not offered here, he has decided to go for a full vasectomy without any discussion.
when we spoke about it in regards to the reversible option, we were taking that route to save me from going on birth control. i’ve been on a handful and all have hit me with side effects i’d rather not go through. it was also because he said himself, right now he may not want anymore but he may change his mind in the years to come.

i understand that it’s his body, his choice. i’m just confused with the big jump in his mindset. and also a little upset, it feels like my choice of having any more children is being taken away from me.

id never stop him from doing it if it is the definitive route he wants to take. so, i think my question here is, would it be unreasonable to suggest i do go back on birth control instead of making this permanent decision? i haven’t brought it up to him as i’m on the fence on whether it’s out of order for me to even ask.

just to add on: he has already got it booked in for march, again this was without any proper discussion.

OP posts:
Member984815 · 27/12/2023 16:24

He saw you almost die , he doesn't want to put either of you through that again .

Purplewarrior · 27/12/2023 16:25

If you had discussed this and agreed you would have two DC together, I would feel very aggrieved that he had unilaterally moved the goalposts.

You need to talk to the man.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 27/12/2023 16:25

YANBU to ask but in the end you are right, his bodily autonomy trumps your needs. Just ask, but I’d wait until the dust settles- unless he’s about to rush off immediately and do it.

Beezknees · 27/12/2023 16:26

He's being sensible to take control of his own body if he doesn't want any more children.

Sorry, it must be tough for you. Honestly though as much as it hurts he is entitled to change his mind.

NoCloudsAllowed · 27/12/2023 16:27

Ultimately he gets to decide.

However the timing of this makes it sound a bit knee jerk, presumably with a 3 week old baby you're not exactly at it like rabbits so there's no need to rush into it. I would imagine he's motivated by fear and trauma over your birth.

I'd see if he'd agree to hold off for six months or a year then discuss then.

Iouis · 27/12/2023 16:28

Totally out of order that he's booked it without even a discussion, I dont think that's normal behaviour in a healthy relationship.

Neither of you are being unreasonable though.

It would be best to try birth control pills again before something permanent. YANBU to ask him.

Bluevelvetsofa · 27/12/2023 16:29

I agree with @Member984815

It must have been difficult for him to nearly lose both you and the baby. Respect his decision, but maybe suggest waiting a little while. He may feel differently at a distance from the recent birth.

fr4zzledmum · 27/12/2023 16:30

Purplewarrior · 27/12/2023 16:25

If you had discussed this and agreed you would have two DC together, I would feel very aggrieved that he had unilaterally moved the goalposts.

You need to talk to the man.

Me and DH originally decided we wanted two in our naive childfree days. PND and general exhaustion meant I became a one and done for a LONG time and only recently changed my mind.

I understand the agreement of having children, but don't think anyone can put a number on it until they've actually had one.

SEG152 · 27/12/2023 16:30

Give it some time. You’ve all been through something horrific and this is probably a knee jerk reaction from him because he doesn’t want to risk it happening again. I would suggest trying to find some therapy for you both to heal.

BibbleandSqwauk · 27/12/2023 16:32

He and you have just had an incredibly frightening experience. Neither of you should be making any long term decisions right now. Let some time pass, use condoms in the meantime and see how you both feel once things settle down. Not to be blunt but maybe he's scared that if he lost you he'd be a widowed father to two tiny kids and I'm assuming the older ones also sometimes. And he'd lose his wife. I assume he loves you and can't imagine either of you going through that again.

WaltzingWaters · 27/12/2023 16:36

Ask him to wait and discuss further once things have settled down, and go on birth control until then. It’s of course his choice, and your choice to leave him if you’d like another/resent him for this, but it should still be discussed properly when you’re not both absolutely exhausted and in shock.

Catza · 27/12/2023 16:38

I think it is OK to have a (non-emotive) discussion. Three weeks after a traumatic birth doesn't seem like a good time to be making permanent decisions.

Topseyt123 · 27/12/2023 16:41

I didn't know there was a reversible snip option though that's rather beside the point.

I think he's entitled to his decision and is being responsible by trying to get control of his fertility, though he should have discussed it properly with you.

He's probably shocked because he saw what happened during the birth. It might be a knee jerk reaction. Talk to him again in the New Year to ensure he is fully aware of your feelings. Ultimately though, the decision is his to make.

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 27/12/2023 16:42

OP I mean this kindly but how would you feel if, following a traumatic birth and nearly dying, you changed your mind about wanting another but your DP tried to
hold you to your previous decision.

the partner not wanting more always gets the final say, but especially in this scenario where if anything happened to you he is the one left living with the consequences.

Ponderingwindow · 27/12/2023 16:42

He has 3 children. He doesn’t want you to risk another pregnancy.

if it is all going to fast, then I wouldn’t propose birth control. Birth control can fail. If you would like him to wait, then propose no sexual contact that could result in pregnancy. The two of you can engage in other sexual activities. Perhaps ask to reevaluate in a year.

Notimeforaname · 27/12/2023 16:44

would it be unreasonable to suggest i do go back on birth control instead of making this permanent decision?

Not unreasonable to suggest no. It's not unreasonable to want to talk about but. But if he is sure he wants to do this his way you must accept he should do what he wants with his body.
It's not unreasonable to be upset, hurt or confused but you will have work through those feelings yourself if you want to stay together happily.

RisingSunn · 27/12/2023 16:49

Let things settle down. I’m sure he has been traumatised seeing you and the baby go through what you did.

Perhaps give it a couple of months to discuss again?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 27/12/2023 16:51

Congratulations on your new baby!

I think your partner has had a right scare (as of course have you) and is probably very worried about potentially adding a fourth child into the mix and the weight of that responsibility. I think three children is a lot for anyone so I can totally understand why he’d be sure he doesn’t want a fourth.

Icelandic9 · 27/12/2023 16:57

To me personally it sounds like he never intended on having two with you. I could be wrong!

The whole vasectomy reversal story was just to make you think there was a chance of having two, but there was never going to be two.

Reversals are not always successful, so using that as a temporary contraception method isn't wise either.

This is backed up by the fact he's booked in for his full vasectomy without consulting you at all

Sorry op, I think he's been stringing you along with this

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 27/12/2023 16:59

I nearly died in childbirth with my second. Before we had children we wanted 3 or 4. DH didnt want another after our second. I silently longed for that third baby for about 5 years. Then it passed. If dh had decided after our first that he didn't want a second, that would have been relationship ending for me.

you need to think about what is most important to you.

but he most certainly needs some therapy before either of you make a permanent decision.

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 27/12/2023 17:00

My BIL did the same after almost losing my sister and their baby. He decided that he was never going through trauma like it again - facing up to losing both a much loved partner and almost born/newborn baby.

I can't argue with that perspective to be honest.

However, he did wait a year before going for the snip to make sure it wasn't a knee jerk reaction to everything. That wasn't good enough for my sister, but that's also her prerogative to be fair. They did split up because of it.

If you feel really strongly about this it's worth having a conversation acknowledging how you both feel and just asking if he can pause the decision for a little while rather than going into it headlong whilst you're both still very affected and emotional.

Don't frame it as changing his mind, more along the lines of not rushing into something that's such a life changing moment. Revisiting the conversation still may not give you the answer you want, but at least you know your partner isn't rushing into something as an emotive response rather than carefully considered and reasoned.

fetchacloth · 27/12/2023 17:00

It's his body, so rightly his decision.
Also after your recent traumatic birth he's probably scared of that happening again. If you had died (thank God you didn't), he would have been a single parent to three kids.
I don't blame him for not wanting a fourth child.

VanityDiesHard · 27/12/2023 17:02

His body, his choice.

Sothisiit · 27/12/2023 17:10

Whilst a birthing partner does not feel the pain of child birth it can be a very anxious and emotional experience. During labour amd delivery when you are in excruciating pain, vulnerable and at serious health risks they are basically a helpless voyeur, listening to the distress of your loved one. If he was close to loosing you and/or the baby he's probably not wanting to put you at the same risk again, forboth your sake and that of his SC mother.
Instead of framing it as a negative maybe see it as his devotion to you. There have been many on here criticising their partners who won't have a vasectomy and take responsibility for contraception only for them to continue suffering the side effects of the pill.

Newsenmum · 27/12/2023 17:14

3 weeks is absolutely nothing. He needs to at least wait until you’re out of the initial postpartum shock. Compromise and agree you can discuss it in a few months.
not fair to do this all to you now. There are other methods of contraception until then.

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