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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner wants a vasectomy… AIBU?

66 replies

mikka404 · 27/12/2023 16:22

i gave birth to my first three weeks ago—she was premature and on top of that the labour was traumatic, we almost lost her twice in the process and myself towards the end as my body was shutting down to all the pain (gas&air, pethidine, 3 epidurals—none worked).

my partner has now decided he doesn’t want anymore kids. our daughter is his third, so i can understand why—just confused as this has come out of nowhere. we have talked about having two from the moment we got together. his plan was to get the reversible snip, but since finding out (we hadn’t done much, if any research, as wasn’t going to be an instant thing) that it’s not offered here, he has decided to go for a full vasectomy without any discussion.
when we spoke about it in regards to the reversible option, we were taking that route to save me from going on birth control. i’ve been on a handful and all have hit me with side effects i’d rather not go through. it was also because he said himself, right now he may not want anymore but he may change his mind in the years to come.

i understand that it’s his body, his choice. i’m just confused with the big jump in his mindset. and also a little upset, it feels like my choice of having any more children is being taken away from me.

id never stop him from doing it if it is the definitive route he wants to take. so, i think my question here is, would it be unreasonable to suggest i do go back on birth control instead of making this permanent decision? i haven’t brought it up to him as i’m on the fence on whether it’s out of order for me to even ask.

just to add on: he has already got it booked in for march, again this was without any proper discussion.

OP posts:

toomuchfaff · 27/12/2023 18:58

YABVU to think you have a hand in any of this decision ultimately, regardless if it was because if his trauma for the experienced or if it was a knee jerk or if it was a split decision.

If this were a bloke saying that he wanted more kids and the woman didn't, and he was forcing the issue, making her reconsider, talking about making her hold off on the hysterectomy because he wanted more kids he would be strung up and battered in any single forum on the planet. Give your head a wobble; the promise of the past is changed by the reality of the present.

Backtomyoldname · 27/12/2023 19:23

As you’re asking…… I’d say ask him to wait 6-12 months then decide/let him.

Whilst you were the one who suffered both physically and mentally your partner will also have been affected by your suffering etc.

Our no.3’s arrival came with a sudden caesarean in addition to gestational diabetes and an unpleasant pregnancy. We’d often thought of having 4 but after this 3 was enough.

After problems with the pill having the snip seemed a no brainer. So about 11 months later I had it.

It has to be considered carefully and , as I was told, not to think of it as easily reversible. If you, collectively, think you may want more then its probably not for you.

bakewellbride · 27/12/2023 19:23

Not the point of the thread but how did he get it booked for so soon? I've been desperate for dh to have it done since may 2022 and we've got an 'initial chat' in feb 2024- it's ridiculous!

Hocuspocusnonsense · 27/12/2023 19:24

It’s likely he feels traumatised by almost losing the baby and you. At the moment that trauma is raw and he doesn’t want to go through it again so he’s made a snap decision based on that. I would ask him to cancel the appointment and see how he feels in 6 months.

Original poster

mikka404 · 27/12/2023 19:28

@bakewellbride honestly, i was shocked they booked it as quickly as they did. he phoned the doctors, they referred him and the woman said there was a slot in january but he would be advised to wait until baby is 12 weeks so booked it for march🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

bakewellbride · 27/12/2023 19:30

Wow was that nhs? Sorry I know it's not helpful to you to know how much I want my dh to have it done! It's just been so long.

Original poster

mikka404 · 27/12/2023 19:33

@bakewellbride yes! through the nhs. no apologies needed lol… i hope the ball starts rolling for you soon

OP posts:

bakewellbride · 27/12/2023 19:39

@mikka404 thank you! I hope you and your DP work things out x

QuestBloomingdale · 27/12/2023 19:50

YABU. He has been traumatised. You have between now and March to talk about it as he can always cancel before then.

It hasn't come from nowhere - he watcheanyone and and his child nearly die twice. You may have experienced it physically but you wee probably unconscious for most of it and this seems to have led to you not being as traumatised as he is because he was the one dealing with the emotional roller coaster of not knowing if you both will live or die. He's the one who will take care of both children if something happens to you next time too. Perhaps he needs therapy to heal and he may or may not change his mind later.

If you were the one who decided this, you'd be well within your right to do so.

I also question being with a man who left his ex with a newborn or whatever the issue is that means he doesn't see his other 2 kids often but that's not the point of your post.

Enjoy your baby, you both were given a chance to live.

JenJenJenJenJenJen · 27/12/2023 20:00

Sounds like this man has created enough single mums and is now taking responsibility.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/12/2023 20:11

I understand that you'd like to leave the option of another DC open Op but I can't fault your DP here, for you the broodiness may be enough to make you willing to try again but seeing you nearly die in front of him must have been horrific. At least he's willing to make it his responsability, too many women on here have DP/DH who just leave it to chance and then demand their wives have a termination.
Could you presuade him into couples counselling just to be sure this isn't a knee jerk reaction?

brainworms · 27/12/2023 20:17

It's his body so it's ENTIRELY up to him. People are allowed to change their minds, especially after seeing something as traumatic as that.

brainworms · 27/12/2023 20:20

My gods.

People suggesting counselling or waiting it out. If the roles were reversed and a man posted this, he'd be utterly crucified.

It's HIS choice.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 27/12/2023 20:26

It’s entirely his choice.

You were in so much pain you nearly died? Not from complications, but from the pain only? Not surprised he doesn’t want anymore. Both you and your child must have been in hospital a long time and it’s must have so traumatic. The whole thing must have been awful for you all.

But it’s his choice. You may have discussed 2 and he no longer wants another one. I appreciate you may want more and that’s a decision you need to make. For yourself.

Muddays · 27/12/2023 21:41

@mikka404 does he have any good male friends? He should talk to a trusted male group/charity who can give him the pros and cons of a vasectomy before he commits to it. We can all make irrational decisions when traumatised, but some are tougher than others. Time to understand how to cope with brutal situations is important. Men aren't always as strong as women when dealing with some seriously tough situations like this. Either way, you survived a tough delivery which makes you and your child awesome. Love this truth and focus on this epic achievement every day. Nothing else matters other than loving your child who is lucky enough to have a fellow strong warrior as their protector and mother. I only have one child and I am grateful for them every day. Please don't see his potential vasectomy as a rejection. Focus on what you have.

PheobeBebe · 08/03/2024 06:53

My DH had a vasectomy at 26. 13 years on there are no regrets, it was definitely the right decision for us. So long as its what you dh wants then stop talking to other people about it and go ahead

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