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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants a vasectomy… AIBU?

66 replies

mikka404 · 27/12/2023 16:22

i gave birth to my first three weeks ago—she was premature and on top of that the labour was traumatic, we almost lost her twice in the process and myself towards the end as my body was shutting down to all the pain (gas&air, pethidine, 3 epidurals—none worked).

my partner has now decided he doesn’t want anymore kids. our daughter is his third, so i can understand why—just confused as this has come out of nowhere. we have talked about having two from the moment we got together. his plan was to get the reversible snip, but since finding out (we hadn’t done much, if any research, as wasn’t going to be an instant thing) that it’s not offered here, he has decided to go for a full vasectomy without any discussion.
when we spoke about it in regards to the reversible option, we were taking that route to save me from going on birth control. i’ve been on a handful and all have hit me with side effects i’d rather not go through. it was also because he said himself, right now he may not want anymore but he may change his mind in the years to come.

i understand that it’s his body, his choice. i’m just confused with the big jump in his mindset. and also a little upset, it feels like my choice of having any more children is being taken away from me.

id never stop him from doing it if it is the definitive route he wants to take. so, i think my question here is, would it be unreasonable to suggest i do go back on birth control instead of making this permanent decision? i haven’t brought it up to him as i’m on the fence on whether it’s out of order for me to even ask.

just to add on: he has already got it booked in for march, again this was without any proper discussion.

OP posts:
Snowdogsmitten · 27/12/2023 17:17

It’s his body, he watched the trauma of this birth, he already has three and four seems like a lot, and he’s presumably getting older.

Original poster
mikka404 · 27/12/2023 17:18

@Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows i understand what you’re saying entirely. like i said, if it’s definitely what he wants i won’t—and couldn’t—stop him. i just wish it was something we discussed instead of him jumping straight to it

OP posts:
SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 27/12/2023 17:21

well, having remembered who your partner is, surely this is when you start to realise that possibly everyone else might be right about him.

he has a four and three year old already he cannot have overnight more than once a week due to his work. He left his ex with a newborn. And you’ve been with him no time at all.

i really dont think he will change his mind about the vasectomy.

Snowdogsmitten · 27/12/2023 17:21

mikka404 · 27/12/2023 17:18

@Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows i understand what you’re saying entirely. like i said, if it’s definitely what he wants i won’t—and couldn’t—stop him. i just wish it was something we discussed instead of him jumping straight to it

What’s to discuss if he’s already made up his mind? It would just be you trying to change his mind, presumably?

wudubelieveit · 27/12/2023 17:35

if he left his ex with a newborn(!) then i really think you should just focus on recovering from the birth and getting used to parenthood yourself....march is still a while away.

Original poster
mikka404 · 27/12/2023 17:40

@wudubelieveit he didn’t leave his ex with a newborn, people were reading half of what i had said and running with the narrative they chose to believe

OP posts:
LegoHeads · 27/12/2023 17:43

You're both traumatised, which is a bad state to be in for making irreversible decisions. It's his choice but I think it's reasonable to encourage him to take a little longer to decide.

wudubelieveit · 27/12/2023 17:45

mikka404 · 27/12/2023 17:40

@wudubelieveit he didn’t leave his ex with a newborn, people were reading half of what i had said and running with the narrative they chose to believe

ahh fair enough, either way just focus on what you need at the moment, its such a stressful time anyway and your hormones will be all over the place too. give yourself some time to let the dust settle and he may be in more of a place to discuss things properly rather than reacting to the stress of the birth. However 4 kids with 2 different mums is a lot to support for the next 20 yrs and as i always say if you are planning 1 more child you may well end up with twins or even triplets!

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2023 17:47

You can't be confused about where this nearly came from surely op? He nearly lost the woman he loves and his baby. I had a traumatic first, 13 weeks on hospital but thankfully I was totally fine. It took us years to agree to try again and that was mainly on DH.

I think it's reasonable to say pls can we let the air settle before we make any life changing decisions because this affects us. Please let's just get used to having a baby, get us home and settled, let both of our adrenaline drop and then talk.

Universalsnail · 27/12/2023 17:50

Yanbu. I think he is being unreasonable to be insisting on and discussing permanent birth control options just 3 weeks after you giving birth. That's a big decision for the both of you and is something that should be discussed between you, even if he feels like he is ultimately making the decision for himself about his body, this is a vulnerable time for you. This isn't a 3 weeks after childbirth with a new baby decision and tbh could potentially trigger PND if you start feeling like this is definitely your only chance at the newborn stage.

I think he needs to wait atleast a few months but maybe like a year then you can both talk about it less emotionally and make a decision that is best for him but also his family.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/12/2023 17:51

"we almost lost her twice in the process and myself towards the end ... just confused as this has come out of nowhere."

It's hardly from nowhere though, is it?

LenaLamont · 27/12/2023 17:59

My father did this.
They’d agreed 3 or 4 children. Mum
had a rough time with her first. With her second, both she and the baby nearly died and it was touch and go for quite a long time after.

Seeing your partner and baby nearly die is a perfectly good reason not to want more children!

MayThe4th · 27/12/2023 18:01

His body, his choice. He has three children and tbh that’s enough.

And this may not go down well, but IMO you would be incredibly selfish to risk having another child and going through what you went through last time and leaving your existing child without a mother. In fact I’d imagine you’ve been advised against having any more at this point or at least I hope you have.

Qwerty556 · 27/12/2023 18:02

mikka404 · 27/12/2023 17:40

@wudubelieveit he didn’t leave his ex with a newborn, people were reading half of what i had said and running with the narrative they chose to believe

Sadly a lot of posters on MN do that. They often choose a narrative that frames the man as the villian.

Scirocco · 27/12/2023 18:06

It's his body, so his choice, but I'd suggest he maybe take a bit of time to make sure it's definitely what he wants and not a reaction to the traumatic experience you've all been through. It would be understandable for anyone to think "never again" after that, but he may find that his position on a vasectomy shifts after he's had some time and space to process everything. Generally speaking, it's probably not sensible to rush into potentially irreversible changes immediately after a traumatic life event.

berksandbeyond · 27/12/2023 18:11

YABU to expect 2 kids with him when he’s already got 2 (that it sounds like he barely looks after)

Original poster
mikka404 · 27/12/2023 18:20

@MayThe4th like i said in my post i can see why he wouldn’t want anymore. it was the no discussion that threw me.

and i haven’t been advised against having anymore, just to take a caesarean section into consideration. for me it was the pain that pushed me too far, and for my daughter, she would not fit😅 and then when she came out the umbilical was wrapped ridiculously tight around her neck and arms

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 27/12/2023 18:20

berksandbeyond · 27/12/2023 18:11

YABU to expect 2 kids with him when he’s already got 2 (that it sounds like he barely looks after)

This.

It is very early days after the birth, though. You need time to recover physically and emotionally. See what he's like as a father before you even consider having another child.

If you haven't tried a coil before, it's worth a try. I have a kyleena and haven't had any issues with it.

Why not book an appointment at a family planning clinic to get some contraception for yourself, in the new year, and when that's sorted, ask him to delay the vasectomy for 6 months or so?

I do think he is sensible to get one at some point, though. It's just that you probably need more time to accept it.

ReachingForReacher · 27/12/2023 18:21

Your partner has made a decision about his body, and about something he never wants to potentially experience again. Let's not belittle the situation by saying its a knee jerk decision and he has to wait. People do know their own mind.

Contraception isn't 100%. Mumsnet would know. There's always contraception failures on here.

You can make a decision about leaving him, if you really want a second, OP. He hasn't removed any of your choices. He's removing his, and that's his right.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 27/12/2023 18:45

Qwerty556 · 27/12/2023 18:02

Sadly a lot of posters on MN do that. They often choose a narrative that frames the man as the villian.

Show quote history

op will tie herself in knots justifying her partner’s behaviour. This man is not a prince. And op really struggles with counting. Dont waste your time.

Sugarsun · 27/12/2023 18:51

Tell him you support him with whatever he decides.

Its his body his choice.

However, if you think this isn’t something he truly wants then I would discuss it with him closer to the time.

He’s not going to listen to reason if you speak to him now about it because he’s just seen his partner have a traumatic time and doesn’t want it to happen again.

Sugarsun · 27/12/2023 18:52

ReachingForReacher · 27/12/2023 18:21

Your partner has made a decision about his body, and about something he never wants to potentially experience again. Let's not belittle the situation by saying its a knee jerk decision and he has to wait. People do know their own mind.

Contraception isn't 100%. Mumsnet would know. There's always contraception failures on here.

You can make a decision about leaving him, if you really want a second, OP. He hasn't removed any of your choices. He's removing his, and that's his right.

Great post.

WingsofRain · 27/12/2023 18:55

His body, his choice. It’s nothing to do with you, and if he has already got three children he has more than needed to replace himself.

Mariposistaa · 27/12/2023 18:56

So he had to watch his partner and child nearly die in horrendous painful circumstances. He has several children. He is being VERY SENSIBLE to say never ever again. Why on Earth would he risk raising another even more premature child, potentially disabled own his own, mourning a dead partner when he doesn’t have to?
so sorry you had a crap birth. Enjoy your healthy baby now.

NumberTheory · 27/12/2023 18:56

I can totally see why a man might want a vasectomy if he’d just seen the love of his life nearly die giving birth to his child. I can also see why it’s the sort of thing that, for him, would feel like it wasn’t something negotiable that he wanted to discuss. But making that sort of decision in the immediate aftermath of such a traumatic event isn’t great idea.

I also see why it’s thrown you when you’d already talked about family planning and had an agreement that this will disrupt.

Right now, I would just try and get him to postpone for a while. So he can make the decision when he isn’t so hyper focused on what you’ve just been through.