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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids didn't get me anything

70 replies

piemania · 27/12/2023 15:26

I feel like maybe IAU for still being upset by this but here goes

My kids didn't get me an Xmas gift or even a card ( which I would have loved even on its own)

They are 15/14 and have had plenty of opportunity ( and funds) to get something and there are cards in the house they could have written in

I make a big effort for Xmas (as I assume a lot of parents do) and got them thoughtful gifts and list items too.

I'm just gutted that I didn't enter their thoughts at least once when it came to Xmas

They knew what they wanted to get my parents and I facilitated that. They also got something for their dad and their friends so it's not like they don't know how to at least get a card

I am trying to ignore it and just enjoy the rest of the holiday but I can't help feel really shitty about it all

OP posts:

Newsenmum · 27/12/2023 15:28

Did their dad not help? Did they get you something last year? It’s surprising and I would be upset too.

Ktime · 27/12/2023 15:31

Don’t ignore it. Speak to them and ask why they think it’s ok to get presents for their dad and grandparents but ignore you. Little shits.

Iouis · 27/12/2023 15:32

That's so out of order. I'd feel totally taken for granted. Speak to them.

RowanMayfair · 27/12/2023 15:33

Don't ignore it. Pull them up on it! How awful of them.

Original poster

piemania · 27/12/2023 15:33

We are separated and he didn't get anything

To be honest I feel like they are old enough to get something by themselves. They go to town regularly with friends etc and have money

It seems like I'm the only one that wasn't thought about

Last year I got something

OP posts:

Tinkerbyebye · 27/12/2023 15:34

If they can get their dad something they can get you something

soi would say something along the lines off i know you gave dad and grandparents a present but I cant find the one to me, do you know where you put it?

Original poster

piemania · 27/12/2023 15:35

I have spoken to them and I got a mixture of

Sorry we forgot and we ran out of time excuses

I guess I'm wondering how to let this go because there's nothing I can do about it now

I feel like a do a lot for them and maybe I need to rein that in next year

OP posts:

FrenchandSaunders · 27/12/2023 15:35

Def say something OP, that's hurtful and they're old enough to know better. Point it out.

ilovepuppies2019 · 27/12/2023 15:35

I'd be gutted. In so sorry that happened OP. In my experience on MM, adults are often told that children are not responsible for the adult'a feelings and they need to lower their expectations. I don't see how we see up successful teenagers who are empathic individuals if we tell them that the feelings of their parents do not matter. You have presumably loved and cared for them all year round and have early thought about them at Christmas. They should have taken the opportunity to think about you. It's not about them getting them gift right - which is really hard for teens on a budget with limited ability to drive or get transport, it's about recognising your effort all year round and showing their love and appreciation. I would sit down and speak to them. I would explain that it's very hurtful and why it's hurtful. They are old enough to understand you are a person with real emotions. If they are remorseful and upset they they hurt your feelings then you can hope for a better effort for your birthday / mother's day. If they don't care then I would be very worried and consider what must change for them to value you more. Good luck. Merry Christmas.

Iouis · 27/12/2023 15:36

I'd feel so hurt. Yeah they need to make that up to you, and I would return the favour to them to show how hurtful it is.

ginasevern · 27/12/2023 15:36

Gosh, that is upsetting OP.

Do they always buy you a Christmas present and/or give you a card?

Are you separated from their dad and if so is this the first year? I'm wondering whether he usually initiates it and this year he forgot.

Do the grandparents initiate it but this year were unwell or forgot perhaps?

If they always buy you a Christmas present and they had the time and money to do so then this is very odd. I'm not surprised you are gutted.

FrenchandSaunders · 27/12/2023 15:36

Oh cross post, that's a bit shit.

ohdamnitjanet · 27/12/2023 15:37

I would be very hurt. I think a lot of teens subconsciously think they can just disregard any nicety towards their mother because she will love them regardless. I would save myself a bloody fortune on their birthdays and see if they get the point then.

Original poster

piemania · 27/12/2023 15:41

We've been separated for 10 years so not a new thing!

My daughter usually finds something she likes for me and then asks my parents on their dad to facilitate the buying of it. This clearly didn't happen this year

It's not the lack of present, it's the fact they didn't even write a card when there are loads in the house. Also try didn't acknowledge it, I had to mention it first

OP posts:

LuluBlakey1 · 27/12/2023 15:41

piemania · 27/12/2023 15:26

I feel like maybe IAU for still being upset by this but here goes

My kids didn't get me an Xmas gift or even a card ( which I would have loved even on its own)

They are 15/14 and have had plenty of opportunity ( and funds) to get something and there are cards in the house they could have written in

I make a big effort for Xmas (as I assume a lot of parents do) and got them thoughtful gifts and list items too.

I'm just gutted that I didn't enter their thoughts at least once when it came to Xmas

They knew what they wanted to get my parents and I facilitated that. They also got something for their dad and their friends so it's not like they don't know how to at least get a card

I am trying to ignore it and just enjoy the rest of the holiday but I can't help feel really shitty about it all

YANBU but it might feel less personal if I tell you I work with teenagers and I often am in the situation of talking to them about their feelings and lives and family situation.
In the last month or so, they have almost all mentioned Christmas and I have asked 'Have you got your mam a present?' Only two have said yes. The rest have looked a bit surprised and said 'no', a few have said 'but I might', a few have said 'D'you think I should?'- to which I've said 'Absolutely you should if you can. Make her a card that says you love her and get her something she likes-doesn't have to cost a lot. She'll be thrilled.' A few have just shrugged . They are mainly 'challenging' (in some way) teenagers and all have mums who are beside themselves at the mess they are in.
It just doesn't seem to have occurred to most of them- they are very wrapped up in themselves and their issues and their friends. They've been quite pleased at the thought- don't know if they'll have done it.

Edit: Most don't have a useful, thoughtful dad who would prompt/help

WashItTomorrow · 27/12/2023 15:41

I would be very hurt. Children that age can easily catch a bus to town to go shopping. I’d expect them to get you something now. Tell them to.

caringcarer · 27/12/2023 15:47

It sounds like they take you for granted. They got their Dad, Grandparents and friends gifts but not you. That's dreadful especially for both of them to overlook you. Next time they want a lift somewhere don't be so available.

ginasevern · 27/12/2023 15:47

Sorry OP, I posted before your update. Well their excuses aren't good enough and I agree with @ilovepuppies2019

I forgot my mother's birthday one year when I was 16 years old. Old enough to know better. She didn't hide her hurt and disappointment and it taught me a valuable lesson about not taking people for granted and the emotional tools we need to see us through life as adults.

It makes it even worse because they are two of them. Surely one of them would have put the effort in.

Tell them how hurt you are, that it isn't about the material gift per se and that this is just not the way to treat people.

RubyGemStone · 27/12/2023 15:49

I would not just brush this off. I would wait a few days and then sit them both down and explain how hurt and upset I was and how I expect better. I don't mean as a bollocking but a discussion about being aware of the responsibility to each other as a. family unit.

I tell my DC I want a card and present, that is wrapped - doesn't need to be expensive, an be homemade but I would like some sort of acknowledgement off all the effort I put in.

They are old enough to be held accountable and to consider you isn't a crazy expectation.

Mother's Day in March so they can redeem themselves then!

Comedycook · 27/12/2023 15:49

I have kids of similar ages. They wouldn't think to get me anything and I wouldn't expect it. I think you're overreacting

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 27/12/2023 15:52

@Comedycook I agree with you. My DD has never been supported by my ex (her dad) to get me a birthday, Mother's Day or Christmas present, so it's not on her radar.

ginasevern · 27/12/2023 15:58

@Comedycook

"I have kids of similar ages. They wouldn't think to get me anything and I wouldn't expect it. I think you're overreacting"

I don't think that's the point though. If that is your family dynamic and you are all happy with it, all well and good, but this isn't OP's set up and she feels let down. Everyone does things in their own way and there are compromises and expectations in every family. Your family will almost certainly have other expectations of each other.

I also think it is quite usual for children to buy or make their parent or caregiver a Christmas gift of some sort. OP is hardly being weird.

SelectiveParticipation · 27/12/2023 16:02

Comedycook · 27/12/2023 15:49

I have kids of similar ages. They wouldn't think to get me anything and I wouldn't expect it. I think you're overreacting

Then you don’t raise your children very well, to be considerate of other people. Not a good trait to have in this already self centered world.

SelectiveParticipation · 27/12/2023 16:03

If you expect to receive then you need to be expected to also give. This is where parenting comes in.

CrapBucket · 27/12/2023 16:04

I would explain to them I’m disappointed, because they are usually kinder and more thoughtful than that, and give them a way to put it right - you need some new slippers (or whatever) and maybe they could go to the sales and choose you some. Teens can be great one day and selfish toddlers the next…

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