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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids didn't get me anything

70 replies

piemania · 27/12/2023 15:26

I feel like maybe IAU for still being upset by this but here goes

My kids didn't get me an Xmas gift or even a card ( which I would have loved even on its own)

They are 15/14 and have had plenty of opportunity ( and funds) to get something and there are cards in the house they could have written in

I make a big effort for Xmas (as I assume a lot of parents do) and got them thoughtful gifts and list items too.

I'm just gutted that I didn't enter their thoughts at least once when it came to Xmas

They knew what they wanted to get my parents and I facilitated that. They also got something for their dad and their friends so it's not like they don't know how to at least get a card

I am trying to ignore it and just enjoy the rest of the holiday but I can't help feel really shitty about it all

OP posts:
Icantbedoingwithit · 27/12/2023 16:05

No! This is lousy. They are old enough and they had the funds. I would be really pissed off too!

RowanMayfair · 27/12/2023 16:05

Comedycook · 27/12/2023 15:49

I have kids of similar ages. They wouldn't think to get me anything and I wouldn't expect it. I think you're overreacting

Why not?

Icantbedoingwithit · 27/12/2023 16:06

Comedycook · 27/12/2023 15:49

I have kids of similar ages. They wouldn't think to get me anything and I wouldn't expect it. I think you're overreacting

Teach them better.

willowthecat · 27/12/2023 16:08

It does seem to be more common these days but we make a point now of re inforcing the 'got to give to receive' message from early December - i don't think any malice is intended, you just need to guide and signpost more . I got a lovely scarf this year so it can work !

CalistoNoSolo · 27/12/2023 16:10

Comedycook · 27/12/2023 15:49

I have kids of similar ages. They wouldn't think to get me anything and I wouldn't expect it. I think you're overreacting

How sad that they don't value you enough to even give you a card. DD has never missed a birthday, mother's day, fathers day or Christmas for exH or me. She has always been very keen to get us both lovely thoughtful things and would be very upset to miss either of us out.

Imo, teens that don't value their parents have been taught somehow that parents are not worth bothering with. If you act as a skivvy for your partner/children, that's how you're going to be treated.

AzureBlue99 · 27/12/2023 16:16

For those who says it is not on kids radar to gift, I bet it's on their radar to receive though. I would have my revenge around their birthdays. Whatever they ask for, disregard.

Patchworksack · 27/12/2023 16:26

I’m sorry @piemania you must be very hurt. My middle son (ADHD) is hopeless at remembering to buy gifts but it’s not just me so it’s less barbed. I had to issue Christmas money early and send him out with specific instructions, then help him with wrapping. My gift was unwrapped because he didn’t manage that without me standing over him but he did get vaguely thoughtful gifts for immediate family. I think you need to be very clear with them about how they have made you feel and have a discussion about expectations before the next occasion on which a gift is expected.

cstaff · 27/12/2023 16:26

The fact that they got their dad and GPS gifts makes this so much more hurtful. If they hadn't bought anything for anyone this wouldn't be too bad. Hopefully your conversation with them will make them think.

Original poster
piemania · 27/12/2023 16:30

I think @CalistoNoSolo hits the nail

I do feel like a skivvy and doormat for them. They aren't bad kids but I do a lot for them and over prepare and think ahead for them

From now on I'll step back. They can get themselves places, pay for their own stuff and tonight can even make their own dinner as I'm not hungry and don't want to cook. They won't die

Most of our disagreements are centered around me feeling like they take me for granted

OP posts:
Iouis · 27/12/2023 16:34

Comedycook · 27/12/2023 15:49

I have kids of similar ages. They wouldn't think to get me anything and I wouldn't expect it. I think you're overreacting

So it's OK for them to buy for their father and grandparents, but totally ignore their Mum? Because you've answered based on a different scenario of kids not buying for anyone, rather than what the actual post is about.

hattie43 · 27/12/2023 16:44

Very hurtful . Next year you forget and run out of time .

wp65 · 27/12/2023 16:50

piemania · 27/12/2023 16:30

I think @CalistoNoSolo hits the nail

I do feel like a skivvy and doormat for them. They aren't bad kids but I do a lot for them and over prepare and think ahead for them

From now on I'll step back. They can get themselves places, pay for their own stuff and tonight can even make their own dinner as I'm not hungry and don't want to cook. They won't die

Most of our disagreements are centered around me feeling like they take me for granted

I agree with this approach, OP. Maybe it's time to go on strike (to an extent), so they learn that you are a real person who deserves consideration, not just a mum-appliance who exists to do stuff for them. They can sort out their own dinner tonight - they won't starve.

Icantbedoingwithit · 27/12/2023 17:04

Good for you OP!

ChateauDuMont · 27/12/2023 17:07

At that age they are more than capable of buying a small gift and wrapping it for you. Two things from a pound shop would be better than nothing. Or something handmade, a drawing or a painting, or even a poem.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2023 17:14

I think there’s a fine line to be walked here, they should have had more thought and got you something even if it was just a card or something home made yes, and that’s a conversation that you should have so that they understand how that has made you feel.

At the same time though, they are your children, which means that of course you do a lot for them, plan ahead and prepare for them. That’s being a parent. And no they probably won’t always be the most grateful, especially with the age they are at, it is a very selfish age unfortunately which we all go through.

There’s definitely a bigger conversation to be had about what each of you do in the house, maybe that could include delegating jobs like sharing out cooking evening meals or doing the dishes etc, but I wouldn’t be throwing a strop and suddenly withhold lifts/money for things they need/cooking meals as a “punishment”. Maybe if we were talking about your partner then I would say yeah, try that, but they aren’t your partner they are your children even if they aren’t still toddling around in nappies. Set an example and teach your children that when something bothers you, you communicate, you don’t strop off upstairs to bed without eating just to avoid making a family meal.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 27/12/2023 17:14

I'd be furious with them, it's completely unacceptable.

My teen dd bought me some lovely, thoughtful gifts and gave me a gorgeous card which was a surprise.

Gift giving is a way of expressing gratitude and love. It's important way of showing you care.

Did you set any expectations of them getting you a gift? Did you ask them when are they going Christmas shopping? Drop hints about something you might like for Christmas? Asked them if they've bought gifts for their dad or friends? Have they always had to get you a gift?

I feel like you've missed teaching them something at some point.

I'm a single parent and I've encouraged dd to buy me a gift for bdays and Christmas from a young age even if it was just a candle from Poundland!

Thusismetalking · 29/12/2024 00:41

The same thing has happened to me this year and I am so hurt, i gave him extra pocket money to buy christmas gifts and he missed me out. I am the one that does everything for him and he does that. I am quite heart broken.
I have let him know how much he has hurt and dissapointed me and that it will take me a while to move on and forgive him, hooefully he has realised and taken it on board...only time will tell .

caringcarer · 29/12/2024 00:52

Comedycook · 27/12/2023 15:49

I have kids of similar ages. They wouldn't think to get me anything and I wouldn't expect it. I think you're overreacting

My foster son saved up some of his pocket money to buy me a box of Maltesers. He knows I like them. He is a teen. He doesn't get a lot of money. He made the effort because he appreciates all I do for him. You could tell your DC that they made you feel upset, hurt and uncared for, like you don't matter. See what they say. If you don't see an improvement in their appreciation of you in general eh making you a cup of tea or helping to put shopping away without being asked the next time they ask you to drive them somewhere hesitant for a while and say helping each other out, supporting each other and being cared for and appreciated is important in a family unit. Tell them you'll take them because you love them and support them. Make them think.

Soonenough · 29/12/2024 01:05

I absolutely agree with you . Terrible of them. Old enough to know better . I had this one year with my DD at 18 in college . Mothers Day , nothing . I told her how disappointing it was . I got all sorts of reasons back including what a waste of money . I didn't rise to the argument. Told her that thoughtfulness or kindness cost nothing. Even a note would have been fine . By remaining calm it gave her a chance to reflect and she did come to me later to apologise. The fact that they bought for others made it worse. BTW did they get gifts from you ? Ask them how they would feel about you if you didn't bother. Just not good enough and they should be told so . Pity another person in their life didn't point it out as well.

BeaLola · 29/12/2024 01:22

I feel your sadness, my DS17 didn't get either DH or I a card or gift - he had opportunities, cards in house he could have used and both DH and I offered funding of others gifts but no nothing. I have told him politely and calmly how sad it has made me feel - that despite all I feel I do for him I was last on his list and he wasn't bothered - he remembered his girlfriend and her family members (paid for by me) - just a bar of chocolate and a simple card would have made all the difference .

Gcsunnyside23 · 29/12/2024 01:24

I've been there too, it's the lack of effort that hurts. Even a token would be enough to know your not completely forgettable

Enough4me · 29/12/2024 01:28

YES to your last post OP. You are right. Pull back and give them space to make mistakes, grow up, become organisers themselves.

Irridescantshimmmer · 29/12/2024 02:15

That is atrocious, you need to be having serious words with them. They are mean, thoughtless and selfish.

BBBusterkeys · 29/12/2024 02:37

I haven’t read the whole thread. You need to sit them down and tell them how this makes you feel. It’s unacceptable that they are taking you for granted like this. My sister has been a solo parent for 8+ years and her boys do nothing for her birthday or Xmas. It makes me really angry on her behalf. I think she should have sat them down and set the expectations. It seems quite often that a single mother who does everything for her kids is always taken for granted while they worship the absentee Dad. This is really awful and I feel for anyone who experiences this.

mathanxiety · 29/12/2024 02:42

piemania · 27/12/2023 15:35

I have spoken to them and I got a mixture of

Sorry we forgot and we ran out of time excuses

I guess I'm wondering how to let this go because there's nothing I can do about it now

I feel like a do a lot for them and maybe I need to rein that in next year

Where do they get their money from?

Time to reconsider pocket money if that's the source.

Also time to make them do a lot around the house so they'll appreciate what you do for them.