Kids didn't get me anything

[piemania]

I feel like maybe IAU for still being upset by this but here goes

My kids didn't get me an Xmas gift or even a card ( which I would have loved even on its own)

They are 15/14 and have had plenty of opportunity ( and funds) to get something and there are cards in the house they could have written in

I make a big effort for Xmas (as I assume a lot of parents do) and got them thoughtful gifts and list items too.

I'm just gutted that I didn't enter their thoughts at least once when it came to Xmas

They knew what they wanted to get my parents and I facilitated that. They also got something for their dad and their friends so it's not like they don't know how to at least get a card

I am trying to ignore it and just enjoy the rest of the holiday but I can't help feel really shitty about it all

Mine all took great pride in making or buying Christmas gifts for me and each other from about age 11 on. We still have a family gift exchange on Christmas Eve - our tradition for twenty years now, and new boyfriends and girlfriends have been added to the list of recipients.

You're right to be upset.

Careful of cutting off your nose to spite your face though. If you're trying to grow thoughtful, kind adults I would be focussing more on a talking to and maybe some scaffolding next Christmas (which sure, you shouldn't have to do) than doing less for them. The latter might make you feel better in the short term but it's a long game, and a lot of teens go through an incredibly selfish phase about this age.

I have a 16yo DS. In early December I told him I knew I was hard to buy presents for, so gave him a list of suggestions and possibilities.

Some books from Waterstones
Several detailed descriptions of makeup - brand, colour, source.
Running kit with size, colour, and Sports Direct item numbers
A couple of bits from Argos, with part numbers.

I emailed it to him as well, so he couldn't lose the list.

I think in your circumstances, I would explain how hurt you are. That their excuses are not ok. You didn't forget the turkey or the tree or their presents, and you feel they have both let you down. Then give them a list of suggestions for Mother's Day, or your birthday, whichever comes first.

Some DCs need teaching to be considerate. Make it clear, such things are important. Their adult relationships won't last long if they are equally lazy & inconsiderate towards their future partners.

They take you for granted, simple as. They don’t value everything you do for them, they see it as their due and your job, a job not worthy of thanks or gratitude. This is awful and will only get worse as the resentment starts to fester. They need to be reminded you’re their mother, someone to be respected, not their house elf.

That’s horrendous, @piemania . How dare they. I hope you went ballistic at them. You need to be recognised for your efforts and respected as their mother.

There is a time and place for gentle parenting, I get that. But, these are teenagers. With money, you say. I have said it on here before but sometimes gentle parenting needs to be gently put to one side and your teenagers need to be slapped in the face with a wet fish.

There are three days per year when you need to be thought of. Three. You need to tell them in terms that they will never forget that you expect respect so that you are never taken for granted again.

Zombie Thread

Oh, heck. Teenagers can be mean little beasties. I wouldn't make a big deal of it but you could say it would have been nice to get at least a card from them, and leave it there.

OP, that must be very hurtful.
14/15 is old enough to be sorting presents cards alone, and not needing "facilitating". However, you'd have thought that one of the other adults in their lives might have prompted them anyway, eg "What have you got for Mum?"

In the absence of this, you need to train them as to what is expected, and then remind them nearer the time, eg "If anyone is wondering what to get me for Mother's Day, my favourite chocolate is X".
Meanwhile, I think you should be telling them that you are upset they didn't think of you at all, and you find it a bit of a slap in the face that they were prepared to take money off you to fund presents for other people, but to leave you out entirely. Consequently, you won't be funding this in future but they can earn money from you by doing XYZ /saving pocket money/cleaning the neighbours cars.
I have adult DC and I have to say they have always bought presents and made cards for me, DH and Grandma. It was sometimes last minute bars of chocolate/beer for Dad from the corner shop, but it was always something.

Match the minimal effort they are making. That is my plan for 2025 as I am in a similar position with immediate family members.

If a WhatsApp at 10pm the best they can manage to wish me happy birthday- I can match that. If they cannot he bothered to thank me for any gifts i send them, I cannot be bothered to get them.

Tell them you are not doing Christmas next year as you clearly don’t count , so you’ll reciprocate what you got - bugger all.
I would also be telling them that if you don’t get anything for Mother’s Day and your birthday, you’ll be getting them sod all for their special days too.
I honestly couldn’t let this go.

My DD is a teacher (secondary).
She always reminds her students ( at the end of 2nd week in Dec), not to forget to get their Mum&Dad/ caregivers a Christmas present, or just a card with a meaningful message inside.
Caveat: She is aware that some of her students come from abusive backgrounds, so is mindful of when/ where she mentions this to the other students.
I think it's a nice thing to do, a gentle, good-humoured nudge/reminder.

OP. I'm so sorry to hear this. It made me ache to read it.🌷

No, not good enough. Not all teenagers are like that, and being a teenager should not be used as an excuse. Not giving her presents was hurtful, and showed they do not appreciate and value all she does for them. As said before, sit them down and say how hurt and disappointed she was at their selfishness and lack of thought and that she expects better in the future. OP needs to cut down on what she does for them, raise her expectations of how they should be helping her, and that her Birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas presents should be thoughtful, as hers are for them.

Don't let it go. remind them when it is their father's birthday, Grandparents birthdays, your birthday, mothers day, fathers day etc etc.

When it comes time for planning next christmas, help them set a budget and a list for whom they will buy gifts for. If they say you're being grabby, point out that we do nice things for our family members, but if they prefer not to, you can stop doing all but the bare minimum that keeps them alive.

god that's a low bar. What are you teaching them about relationships? their future relationships? not much.

Tell them how their actions are making you feel unloved, and not cared for. Is that how they want you to feel?

You have to rub it in, if they haven't learned to think about your feelings. Raise the subject now unless you want a repeat next year. Best wishes.

ZOMBIE

Hopefully the OP’s kids did better this year.

but surely as their aunt you can step in and suggest, guide and facilitate presents for your sister? How old are they?

yes, let's hope so

I dunno. I'm not sure how usual it is for young teenagers to appreciate how much is done for them by their parents or to give cards and presents to mark it. I certainly didn't. I used to get my mum birthday and Christmas presents and cards, but not from any sense that she 'deserved' them or to make her feel 'valued'. I liked giving her something nice, and it was a normal thing to do in my family. But I was the same teenager who regularly said when asked to wash up or put out the bins, 'No - that's your job, Mum.' Makes me shudder to think of it. Once I turned 18 or so, I stopped all that and started to help with the domestic stuff without any issues.

@Brefugee I was just letting OP know that she's not alone in having teens that don't think. I definitely didn't sit in silence when it happened to me.

I told my DD how hurtful it was that she didn't have me on her radar. She was mortified and since the conversation I have been given thoughtful gifts and lovely handmade cards on my birthday, Mother's Day and most recently at Christmas.