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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Jack the Ripper on Christmas morning?

67 replies

makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:11

Hello.

I am probably overthinking this, but I find my DH and I often aren't on the same wavelength. I just want to know how his mind works sometimes, but I don't suppose I really ever will. I guess he feels the same!

I don't want to make this too long, so will answer any questions that come up if it helps.

When we met, my DH didn't celebrate Christmas at all.
I encouraged us to at least stick up a tree for a few days and either cook a meal or go out for an Indian meal, exchange a few presents, send cards.
He got into it big time and for the last 8 years or so, he has been putting the tree and lights up on 1 December (sometimes November to tie in with village tree lighting). Far too early for me, but I let it go.
He came up with the idea of scheduling our own Christmas TV (ie, choosing a movie, some TV programmes we like) and watching them instead of just whatever junk comes on TV. Plus, we are so indecisive, both trying to please the other, that hours get wasted on discussions of what to watch. Okay, so that went fine, it was a good idea to start with.
But when we started celebrating on 1 December, the TV schedule got extended too, with the result that we watch our own Christmas programming every evening through December and the weekends begin with a TV programme over breakfast, there's a big movie in the afternoon and more TV programmes/cartoons in the evening.
I have become increasingly resentful of this. I like having downtime and doing my own thing sometimes. I am supposed to be studying for a degree part time as well as working part time. I am a big procrastinator though, so can't wholly blame DH for distracting me here.
The eating and drinking starts when the lights go up too and I can feel myself putting on weight which I worked so hard to lose. I know this is down to me too, but he wants the party to start straight away.

Anyway, I don't quite know how we got from not celebrating at all to this, it's kind of crept up on me. Every year, the ante seems to be upped.

What really confused me this year was that we watched our scheduled Christmas morning cartoon in our home office and then we both read some news and stuff on our computers while we finished coffee before going into the living room. I looked across at him and he was reading stuff about Jack the Ripper! He is really, really into JTR. The thing is, I've been sending him stuff that I find as it comes up on JTR and bought him a book earlier in the year which he hasn't bothered with. But suddenly, Christmas morning he wanted to read about JTR online, when I have suffered a month of watching wall-to-wall Christmas stuff, some of which I could have done without quite honestly. He has always said he loves the cosy, back to childhood feeling it gives, but then he's reading about JTR?

I don't understand and he says he has no idea why he wanted to do that and that I overthink everything he does.

TL:DR -
my DH schedules Christmas TV for us for a whole month

I resent my time being used like this
He says it helps to set the mood and makes it cosy and Christmassy
I then find he's reading about a serial killer on Christmas morning!

Am I wrong to question this behaviour?

OP posts:

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 27/12/2023 10:14

Yeah. Your being wierd.

Willmafrockfit · 27/12/2023 10:14

each person is entitled to do the day as they wish

Almondmum · 27/12/2023 10:15

Wow. The pair of you need to learn to leave each other alone to do what you like. Why are you joined at the hip and doing the same stuff even when you don't want to?

Original poster

makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:16

Almondmum · 27/12/2023 10:15

Wow. The pair of you need to learn to leave each other alone to do what you like. Why are you joined at the hip and doing the same stuff even when you don't want to?

You have a point there!

I think we've become too codependent perhaps?

OP posts:

Original poster

makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:18

Willmafrockfit · 27/12/2023 10:14

each person is entitled to do the day as they wish

I agree.

I don't have a problem with his JTR interest. I have watched loads of documentaries with him and found some great books about it for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:19

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 27/12/2023 10:14

Yeah. Your being wierd.

😂

My DH is going to love this!

OP posts:

BibbleandSqwauk · 27/12/2023 10:19

JTR is the least of your problems. Scheduling TV that is now streamable in demand whenever is odd and dare I say, controlling. Why aren't you just saying no thanks? You sound completely joined at the hip with your joint home office also. Get some space, just take it, you don't need permission.

WandaWonder · 27/12/2023 10:19

Do either of you work?something in all this doesn't make sense

Original poster

makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:20

WandaWonder · 27/12/2023 10:19

Do either of you work?something in all this doesn't make sense

We both work from home in the same office and have done for about 10 years.

We get along great. Almost never have a cross word, although I do feel there's been more compromise on my side.

OP posts:

Cattiwampus · 27/12/2023 10:20

How long have you been together? 😂😂😂
The only way DH and I have survived many years is by doing some things together, some things apart. If I want to watch serial killers in Advent, he’d probably potter off somewhere else and do something more to his liking.
Rethink things, before you both morph Into one, inseparable@ blob.

Almondmum · 27/12/2023 10:21

Perhaps your new year's resolution could be to spend some time apart doing the things you're interested in??

I've watched loads of Christmas films this month. Dh has watched one - the only one he's interested in.

WandaWonder · 27/12/2023 10:21

WandaWonder · 27/12/2023 10:19

Do either of you work?something in all this doesn't make sense

I read your post a few times but missed the work part time bit

Something still doesn't make sense though

MeadStMary · 27/12/2023 10:23

What on earth is your problem with him reading about JTR on Xmas morning? He can read whatever he likes.

Also why don't you just tell him you don't want to do his strange Xmas TV schedule?

Thus is all very odd tbh.

hellsBells246 · 27/12/2023 10:24

Almondmum · 27/12/2023 10:15

Wow. The pair of you need to learn to leave each other alone to do what you like. Why are you joined at the hip and doing the same stuff even when you don't want to?

This!!

Original poster

makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:25

BibbleandSqwauk · 27/12/2023 10:19

I think I have a lot to unpick, that's for sure.

I am a huge people pleaser and this needs to stop. I am menopausal and the nurturing hormones have left the building 😂

I have said I can't watch Christmas TV for a solid month next year. I'm going to crack! I have also said I won't be stuffing myself with chocolate for a month before Christmas even starts either.

DH has agreed that we can do it my way next year, but he says he is very happy with the way things are currently. So of course, I feel bad that I am dismantling something he is very fond of. He does say he may even enjoy doing it my way. We'll have to see.

Of course, what I really want is compromise not one person getting everything their own way (even if that person is me!). I am getting to the stage of hating Christmas when I was totally up to celebrating it when we met and he wasn't into it at all!

OP posts:

littleburn · 27/12/2023 10:26

I'd find this tv scheduling really repetitive and suffocating! I need time and activities that a) aren't with my partner and b) don't involve sitting and staring at the tv for hours.

PonyPatter44 · 27/12/2023 10:26

You're both being INCREDIBLY odd here. Why on earth is he scheduling all your TV watching? Why aren't you telling him you want to do things a little differently?

Personally I think serial killer fixations are a bit disturbing but you do you.

Original poster

makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:27

MeadStMary · 27/12/2023 10:23

What on earth is your problem with him reading about JTR on Xmas morning? He can read whatever he likes.

Also why don't you just tell him you don't want to do his strange Xmas TV schedule?

Thus is all very odd tbh.

I know I sound weird and am happy to be told I am.

I made this thread so I can bounce off people. I have no-one to discuss things like this with IRL.

I can't really articulate my problem with it. Let's see. He can read anything he likes anytime as far as I am concerned.

However, on Christmas morning after I have sat through a solid month of this scheduled TV, I feel he has "changed the rules" on me. He tells me we need the Christmas TV stuff to set the Christmassy mood and so I suffer it all, only to find he is happy to read about JTR on actual Christmas morning! So what was it all for? I could have been doing my own thing all along too?

OP posts:

MeadStMary · 27/12/2023 10:29

But why do you both have to do the same thing?

Sometimes my dh snacks on something that I don't fancy eating, so I don't eat it. Sometimes he wants to watch something on telly that I don't want to watch, so I go up to the bedroom and do something else. And he also does his own thing when he doesn't want to do what I'm doing.

Why can't you both just do your own thing?

Owlcat42 · 27/12/2023 10:30

I think you just need to negotiate a compromise in a nice way. Something like: I love our Christmas tradition of watching TV and having Christmas food together, but starting it a few days before the day rather than 1st December would make it more special for me and allow me to get on with my work earlier in the month.

I wouldn’t worry about what he’s reading though, each to their own

Original poster

makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:30

PonyPatter44 · 27/12/2023 10:26

You're both being INCREDIBLY odd here. Why on earth is he scheduling all your TV watching? Why aren't you telling him you want to do things a little differently?

Personally I think serial killer fixations are a bit disturbing but you do you.

I should say that I get some say in choosing movies and stuff we'd like to watch. We have a chat about it before the schedule is drawn up.

I have been telling him for a few years, this year I had a mini-meltdown on Boxing Day as I am not sure I am getting my point across to him.

I know true crime is a big thing for some. He's not into any of that or other killers, just interested in JTR and Victorian London and stuff. It is a thing with tourists doing the walk in London and stuff.

OP posts:

Almondmum · 27/12/2023 10:30

Argh, I feel like he's missing the point saying he'll do things 'your way'. No! He does things his way with his crazy little TV schedule. You join him when you feel like it and don't when you don't want to.

Does he not realise that you are 2 separate people? Do you not realise that either?

Original poster

makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:32

Cattiwampus · 27/12/2023 10:20

😂

over 20 years!

I agree with you. I should have tried harder to maintain a separate life. I developed an autoimmune disease shortly after we got together and it knocked me for six and destroyed my confidence for a long time. I feel I never really came back from that.

OP posts:

AllEars112232 · 27/12/2023 10:33

You are both acting so strangely!!!
I suggest you both develop outside interests and friends. This relationship sounds far too insular!!

Jacfrost · 27/12/2023 10:33

Is he ND?

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