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Original poster

Jack the Ripper on Christmas morning?

67 replies

makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:11

Hello.

I am probably overthinking this, but I find my DH and I often aren't on the same wavelength. I just want to know how his mind works sometimes, but I don't suppose I really ever will. I guess he feels the same!

I don't want to make this too long, so will answer any questions that come up if it helps.

When we met, my DH didn't celebrate Christmas at all.
I encouraged us to at least stick up a tree for a few days and either cook a meal or go out for an Indian meal, exchange a few presents, send cards.
He got into it big time and for the last 8 years or so, he has been putting the tree and lights up on 1 December (sometimes November to tie in with village tree lighting). Far too early for me, but I let it go.
He came up with the idea of scheduling our own Christmas TV (ie, choosing a movie, some TV programmes we like) and watching them instead of just whatever junk comes on TV. Plus, we are so indecisive, both trying to please the other, that hours get wasted on discussions of what to watch. Okay, so that went fine, it was a good idea to start with.
But when we started celebrating on 1 December, the TV schedule got extended too, with the result that we watch our own Christmas programming every evening through December and the weekends begin with a TV programme over breakfast, there's a big movie in the afternoon and more TV programmes/cartoons in the evening.
I have become increasingly resentful of this. I like having downtime and doing my own thing sometimes. I am supposed to be studying for a degree part time as well as working part time. I am a big procrastinator though, so can't wholly blame DH for distracting me here.
The eating and drinking starts when the lights go up too and I can feel myself putting on weight which I worked so hard to lose. I know this is down to me too, but he wants the party to start straight away.

Anyway, I don't quite know how we got from not celebrating at all to this, it's kind of crept up on me. Every year, the ante seems to be upped.

What really confused me this year was that we watched our scheduled Christmas morning cartoon in our home office and then we both read some news and stuff on our computers while we finished coffee before going into the living room. I looked across at him and he was reading stuff about Jack the Ripper! He is really, really into JTR. The thing is, I've been sending him stuff that I find as it comes up on JTR and bought him a book earlier in the year which he hasn't bothered with. But suddenly, Christmas morning he wanted to read about JTR online, when I have suffered a month of watching wall-to-wall Christmas stuff, some of which I could have done without quite honestly. He has always said he loves the cosy, back to childhood feeling it gives, but then he's reading about JTR?

I don't understand and he says he has no idea why he wanted to do that and that I overthink everything he does.

TL:DR -
my DH schedules Christmas TV for us for a whole month

I resent my time being used like this
He says it helps to set the mood and makes it cosy and Christmassy
I then find he's reading about a serial killer on Christmas morning!

Am I wrong to question this behaviour?

OP posts:
Original poster
makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:34

MeadStMary · 27/12/2023 10:29

But why do you both have to do the same thing?

Sometimes my dh snacks on something that I don't fancy eating, so I don't eat it. Sometimes he wants to watch something on telly that I don't want to watch, so I go up to the bedroom and do something else. And he also does his own thing when he doesn't want to do what I'm doing.

Why can't you both just do your own thing?

I am going to work on this type of thing in 2024.

I just feel it's time for us both to assert ourselves a little.

OP posts:
Almondmum · 27/12/2023 10:34

Btw, I hope he's read the book The Five. It's about the victims of the ripper and makes you realise how sick the whole tourist industry around their murders is.

RoseGoldEagle · 27/12/2023 10:36

This all sounds a bit suffocating! Does he really schedule the TV as in on 1st Dec we will watch the Snowman in the morning, and then Home Alone in the afternoon? (You may be able to tell I don’t know many Christmas films!).

What does he say if on the 9th December you say ‘I actually have some work to do- you watch the film and I’ll get on with that’- what would he say?

Lots if people are interested in Jack the Ripper (I’m sure there are instances where the interest is not healthy- but in many cases it’s just normal interest)- I don’t really think that’s an issue- his interests will remain the same whether it’s Christmas Day or not.

Original poster
makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:36

Jacfrost · 27/12/2023 10:33

Is he ND?

I have wondered and even suggested it in the past.

This is a perfect example.

If I suggest we do something/not do something, it can take some persuasion and then he'll run with it to a ridiculous degree.

Like not celebrating Christmas.
I wanted a little Christmas.
Now we have a Christmas that goes on forever packed to the gills with food, drink, TV.
I feel like I've made a runaway train!

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 27/12/2023 10:37

You both sound a bit weird and intense to be honest.

The Jack the Ripper thing? Who cares what he's reading?

Original poster
makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:38

RoseGoldEagle · 27/12/2023 10:36

This all sounds a bit suffocating! Does he really schedule the TV as in on 1st Dec we will watch the Snowman in the morning, and then Home Alone in the afternoon? (You may be able to tell I don’t know many Christmas films!).

What does he say if on the 9th December you say ‘I actually have some work to do- you watch the film and I’ll get on with that’- what would he say?

Lots if people are interested in Jack the Ripper (I’m sure there are instances where the interest is not healthy- but in many cases it’s just normal interest)- I don’t really think that’s an issue- his interests will remain the same whether it’s Christmas Day or not.

Yes, that's exactly it!

It all has to fit around work of course.

What does he say if on the 9th December you say ‘I actually have some work to do- you watch the film and I’ll get on with that’- what would he say?

I have never done that. But I'm guessing he'd say, "I'll wait for you then" or "We can stay up later tonight to fit it all in" or something along those lines.

OP posts:
Original poster
makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:40

Almondmum · 27/12/2023 10:21

Perhaps your new year's resolution could be to spend some time apart doing the things you're interested in??

I've watched loads of Christmas films this month. Dh has watched one - the only one he's interested in.

Yes, I think this is long overdue.

OP posts:
Original poster
makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:41

WandaWonder · 27/12/2023 10:21

I read your post a few times but missed the work part time bit

Something still doesn't make sense though

Show quote history

I will answer any questions you have, if it helps.

Although I admit I don't understand a lot of it either!

OP posts:
Goodlard · 27/12/2023 10:42

Do people actually live like this, with this level of planning. The enforced "fun" of Christmas Tv.

Original poster
makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:43

littleburn · 27/12/2023 10:26

I'd find this tv scheduling really repetitive and suffocating! I need time and activities that a) aren't with my partner and b) don't involve sitting and staring at the tv for hours.

I am going out of my mind with the TV thing. It broke me this year!

OP posts:
MeadStMary · 27/12/2023 10:43

Tbh OP I suspect that the two of you have been living a very insular life for a long time, and don't realise how unusual both of your behaviour is.

The fact that you say you have never told your dh to watch something on his own because you have stuff to do is baffling.

Goodlard · 27/12/2023 10:45

If it broke you last year @makingsomethingoutofnothing, why did you do it again this year?

Say no!

Original poster
makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:45

MeadStMary · 27/12/2023 10:43

Tbh OP I suspect that the two of you have been living a very insular life for a long time, and don't realise how unusual both of your behaviour is.

The fact that you say you have never told your dh to watch something on his own because you have stuff to do is baffling.

You are spot on - we have.

I do leave him to do his own thing when he's watching football, as even I cannot feign interest in that.

But I've never done it with the other TV stuff.

OP posts:
MeadStMary · 27/12/2023 10:46

Do either of you go out socially without the other? Meal/drinks with friends? Hobbies?

Original poster
makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:46

Goodlard · 27/12/2023 10:45

If it broke you last year @makingsomethingoutofnothing, why did you do it again this year?

Say no!

This is the last year. I just can't do this again.

OP posts:
Original poster
makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:47

MeadStMary · 27/12/2023 10:46

Do either of you go out socially without the other? Meal/drinks with friends? Hobbies?

Never.

OP posts:
Original poster
makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:49

Owlcat42 · 27/12/2023 10:30

I think you just need to negotiate a compromise in a nice way. Something like: I love our Christmas tradition of watching TV and having Christmas food together, but starting it a few days before the day rather than 1st December would make it more special for me and allow me to get on with my work earlier in the month.

I wouldn’t worry about what he’s reading though, each to their own

That would be nice. That's what I want.

OP posts:
Almondmum · 27/12/2023 10:50

Well op, here's to 2024 being a year where you get out there a bit and discover your own interests. In my opinion, it makes a relationship stronger. You appreciate your time together more and have lots more to talk about.

taylorswift1989 · 27/12/2023 10:52

This is awful, OP. You've got stuck inside your partner's World of Christmas and it sounds like a nightmare. Must have been really annoying to see him exit the world that he's forced you into for so long.

As pp have said, start doing your own thing. You can maybe compromise a little. The lights and decorations sound nice, so why not have those from the 1st, and just torch everything else. It sounds horrendous, tbh.

I could not bear to have someone telling me how to spend every minute of my time for even ten minutes, let alone a whole month. How can you stand it?

Original poster
makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:52

Almondmum · 27/12/2023 10:50

Well op, here's to 2024 being a year where you get out there a bit and discover your own interests. In my opinion, it makes a relationship stronger. You appreciate your time together more and have lots more to talk about.

Yes, I admit that I've just let myself get into this slump out of inertia too. Used to be very sociable.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 27/12/2023 10:52

You are far too joined at the hip- I've been there in my 40s and early 50s. 2nd marriage and I felt that closeness was vital as it was what was lacking in my marriage- turns out that it's claustrophobic after many years of it- nice for a couple. Get a life away from him as well- he should be an addition- not the 'whole'

Jacfrost · 27/12/2023 10:55

makingsomethingoutofnothing · 27/12/2023 10:36

I have wondered and even suggested it in the past.

This is a perfect example.

If I suggest we do something/not do something, it can take some persuasion and then he'll run with it to a ridiculous degree.

Like not celebrating Christmas.
I wanted a little Christmas.
Now we have a Christmas that goes on forever packed to the gills with food, drink, TV.
I feel like I've made a runaway train!

Show quote history

There are definitely behaviours that I would recognise as possibly being ND...special interests/hyperfocus and timetabling/routine. Do you know why he didn't use to like celebrating Christmas? Overwhelm perhaps? It sounds like maybe by going overboard with this TV planning and routine gives him control back.

I don't know what you do really. Him looking at Jack the Ripper I wouldn't have an issue with but I would want to address the TV stuff. After Xmas I would tell him that it's not working for you, and come up with a compromise Xmas plan well in advance of next year so he's prepared for what's going to happen.

margotrose · 27/12/2023 10:56

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy and claustrophobic.

Neither of you appear to have any life or interests outside of your own little cocoon to the extent that you don't even go out with friends or to do a hobby on your own.

It's all a bit odd.

GacksonJalaxy · 27/12/2023 11:00

Why can't you do what you want in December (normal stuff) as he does what he wants (OTT Christmas shit with a sprinkling of Jack the Ripper)? Why must you do everything together? My husband and I have been accused of being joined at the hip, however he would never expect me to sit through any of his TV programmes. Maybe once a week we'll watch something together, and I don't mind the occasional episode of Dr Who, but hell would freeze over before I sat and forcibly watched Christmas TV your a month every year.
Also, Christmas is pretty boring whereas JTR is fascinating so I don't blame him. I was googling criminals on Xmas morning as well.

MeadStMary · 27/12/2023 11:00

I think you need to start carving out a life of your own.

  • get a hobby of some sort, something that takes you out of the house at least once a week.
  • start telling DH that you don't want to watch/do whatever he's watching/doing, tell him you're going into another room to do something else. It doesn't have to be rude or argumentative. "Actually I don't fancy that. Don't worry, you carry on, I'll go upstairs and read my book".
  • tell him that you don't want to do the TV schedule next year. Maybe you could both decide together on a few things that you'd like to watch over the festive period and write them down. Then when you are stuck for what to watch you can pick something from the list.

I know that WFH is amazing for so many people, but I think you might want to consider other options. I think that both of you WFH has majorly contributed to the insular way in which you are as a couple. Would you be able to go into the office a couple of days a week? Or even think about changing jobs?