Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU grandparents presents for gc

65 replies

Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 08:41

Hi everyone
I have been told I’m being unreasonable but it’s really starting to bug me.

my husbands step mum always buys the presents for the grand children. Husbands father doesn’t have any input into the present buying at all so I don’t really blame him.

every year they always say “we are cutting down this year” and say they want to spend no more then £40 per child - this is fine and I’m grateful but every year my 2 children get something that adds up to £40 and my brother in laws 4 children get these lavish presents that add up to a hell of a lot more then that.

my brother in law has has recently split from his long term girlfriend and only has 1 child who is 17. He has then got with his new girlfriend who has 3 children. They have been together for 18 months.

1 of the daughters (same age as my daughter) of the new girlfriends has just received a load of presents totalling well over £300 and my daughter received an outfit from primark which totalled £15 and a couple of face masks from home bargains

1 of the other daughters received this outdoor play house (god knows how much that was) and my 4 year old received a super hero outfit which is about £20!!

my children who are blood related always seem to be bottom of the list.

the 17 year old dc from my bil’s side received a very expensive jacket and a pair of trainers - I know these trainers are well over £100 as my nephew was telling me how rich grandparents must be

my daughter was gutted. She asked me why the other girl received all these presents as a few of them are exactly what my daughter wanted.

this has happened every year but never quite as big a difference as this year and now my daughter is definitely noticing and feeling hurt by it all.

My husband keeps saying “our kids have been spoilt by us and we shouldn’t expect anything from anyone”
yes I get that and I really don’t expect presents but when there is such a big difference it does put a dampener on things.

I just feel quite sorry for my daughter, she looked like she was about to burst into tears whilst opening the presents in front of everyone. I walked in her room last night and she had been crying but she said she had just stubbed her toe 😭

luckily my 4 year old didn’t notice.

how do I politely say that there gift buying is insane and it is hurting the grandchildren that are actually related to you by blood. Im usually quite blunt so need advice as I don’t want to fall out

there is no back story with these in laws, we have always got along really well, we may not see them as much as bil as they live closer.

its quite embarrassing as we all go to in laws house and have a bit of a party so all the children open the presents together, maybe it would be better if we did it all apart. I’m tempted to tell them not to buy for the kids as it hurts them so best to avoid in future.

aibu

OP posts:
WhereIsBebèsChambre · 27/12/2023 08:43

my brother in law has has recently split from his long term girlfriend and only has 1 child who is 17. He has then got with his new girlfriend who has 3 children. They have been together for 18 months.
How is it every year? Is this their 2nd Christmas?

Dishwashersaurous · 27/12/2023 08:44

That's beyond werid.

They are spending hundreds of pounds on their sons girlfriend children who they have only known for a year.

It's hard to understand the logic there.

Even completely separate from.the presents for your children that is just really really werid.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/12/2023 08:47

But obviously this can only have been the second year, maximum, that this has happened.

But at least you know now and therefore can either actively address it. Or not.be there at the same time for presents.

Eg. Next year..we're cutting down this year and budget is £40.

Of course that's fine, but we were confused because obviously you spent hundreds on the random children and my children noticed and would be good to understand the process.

Mummysatthebodyshop · 27/12/2023 08:48

Arrange to not see them at the same time as other family

Sodndashitall · 27/12/2023 08:49

Is there some other backstory here? Do those kids not get anything else present wise ?
I think your DH should just have a word with his step-mum quietly and say next year may be better if we split the present giving if the budget isn't similar for all the grandkids.
That way your DC don't have to see what is being bought for the others.
Ultimately it is their choice what they buy for people. And DC especially in blended families will.have to get used to this uneven presents situation.

Glenthebattleostrich · 27/12/2023 08:53

Next year be busy and send DH alone with a bayliss and Harding gift set for them to share.

It's bot about expecting expensive presents it's that your children are being upset by the obvious favoritism towards the kids of whoever your BIL is shagging.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 27/12/2023 08:57

I wouldn’t put my kids through that again. It’s not about being grabby, it’s making them feel less valued than the other dgc. I’d not return for the gift giving and tell them exactly why. If they don’t apologise and change their behaviour you know it’s either deliberate or they just don’t care.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 08:59

Sorry everyone I realised my error when I re read my post.

bil used to be going out with a girl who had 2 children. He was with this girl for 15 years and got with her when her 2 children were toddlers. These 2 children did grow up to be part of our family. The in laws used to buy them lavish gifts but not to the extreme it is now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:02

The new girlfriend was around last Christmas and even though it was a fairly new relationship the kids got these amazing presents - my step mil is all showy and loves to appear rich so I thought it was all to do with this but it appears not!!!

OP posts:
Goldbar · 27/12/2023 09:03

This may be off-topic, but I have no idea why you're blaming your husband's step-mum rather than your children's grandparent. Why does not being arsed get him off the hook?

LittleOwl153 · 27/12/2023 09:04

I think you do need to say something. To separate the kids for gift giving as this kind of disparity between kids is really damaging. I think I would be clear to the grandparents- and I do see it as equal responsibility as FIL has the power to balance/object if he wishes - that the disparity is clear and impacting the children so gift giving needs to be done separately going forward. They don't need to change their gift giving if they don't want to but they do need to stop the spiteful rubbing it in your children's faces.

I'd then kick your pathetic husband up the ass for not defending his children and looking out for them when others are causing them clear and unnecessary hurt. I'd assume he was the scapegoat growing up and that it will not be easy for him - but he has to see that it is damaging for the kids. And he has to see that it has to be stopped. Your daughter is already clearly impacted, the 4yr old will be learning. This will damage their sense of worth and self esteem... does he really think that's acceptable? Probably as it is exactly what they've done to him.

We have this kind of nonsense in my family and my (teen) daughter picked up on a small part of it yesterday but it has not impacted the kids (apart from her noticing my 'gift') as I've made sure to keep it separate. My dad has 2 kids, his partner - who will never be my step mother - has 2 kids. Her 2 and her grandchildren get extravagant gifts, me and my sibling and his grandchildren get crap. This year they went one better, my sibling and husband got beer related gifts- I got nothing. Our 4 kids got very little BUT all 4 cousins got the same (which they opened together) Crucially we have no idea what the 'real kids/grandkids' got as we didn't see and won't see them to find out. I will not put my kids in that position!

Sorry... long post and clearly hit a nerve - but maybe useful to your husband to see the impacts!

Olika · 27/12/2023 09:08

I would say what @Dishwashersaurous suggested. You have to address it or this will keep happening.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:14

No there is no other back story, the other kids also get things throughout the year off them. My 2 don’t get anything apart from birthdays and Christmas.
funnily enough when they had only been together for 6 weeks we had booked to go on a holiday for step mil’s big birthday. They paid for bil and bil’s new girlfriend (of 6 weeks!!!) and family to come along. We had to pay a 50% of the holiday and thought bil had to aswell. We found out on the holiday that they didn’t pay a penny! BIL was skint at the time due to his previous break up so we thought maybe they would have to pay it back but they never have!!

OP posts:
CurzonDax · 27/12/2023 09:14

Your FiL is equally to blame, and your DC are his actual grandchildren. Even if he didn't buy the gifts himself, no man (or woman) can be that oblivious to the disparity if all the gifts are being opened at the same time.

I definitely wouldn't go to them next year. Arrange to see them a few days later, and if they ask why, tell them the truth - last year, your granddaughter was deeply hurt. If DH wants to see them at the same time as everyone else, he can go alone - or say something and stand up for his children.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:18

Yes I agree actually with the FIL comments. He definitely would/should notice as it is clear as day! Even the other kids have noticed. The girl that is same age as daughter kept saying “I’m sure they have mixed up the piles” but was a bit smug about it
honestly my poor daughter
my husband is going to get an earful if he doesn’t say anything soon as I know I will and it won’t go down quite as well

OP posts:
Feelinglow27 · 27/12/2023 09:19

This is insane. Can your OH just open his mouth and ask wtf is this about? I would be fuming if this were my kids.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:20

Dishwashersaurous yes this is very good, I will probably say it how you have put it
thank you ☺️

OP posts:
bluebird3 · 27/12/2023 09:26

I'd refuse to do Christmas with them next year. That's horrible and no way your stepmum doesn't know what she is doing.

s4usagefingers · 27/12/2023 09:28

Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:14

No there is no other back story, the other kids also get things throughout the year off them. My 2 don’t get anything apart from birthdays and Christmas.
funnily enough when they had only been together for 6 weeks we had booked to go on a holiday for step mil’s big birthday. They paid for bil and bil’s new girlfriend (of 6 weeks!!!) and family to come along. We had to pay a 50% of the holiday and thought bil had to aswell. We found out on the holiday that they didn’t pay a penny! BIL was skint at the time due to his previous break up so we thought maybe they would have to pay it back but they never have!!

Is there a chance your husband is seen as reliable and able to provide for his family and his brother a little bit useless and needs a lot of help? Maybe they’re buying more for his lot to make up for his shortcomings (which is still not ok)

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:30

Bluebird3 yes I agree, they clearly know what they are doing 😭

OP posts:
Wayk · 27/12/2023 09:32

Treating your children like that is an absolute disgrace. I always ensure down to the last pound I spend the exact same on friend’s children. My late mother was the exact same always spent same amount on us. Please bring it up with them.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:32

Me and my husband do both have ok ish jobs and last year my bil was in trouble due to the break up of his previous relationship BUT this year bil and new girlfriend both have good jobs and able to provide quite well for the kids. The new blended family has worked really well and it’s clear to see.

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 27/12/2023 09:33

Detach.
Don't go at Christmas or pop over for a mince pie and then leave. Spend the day in your own way doing what you want. I wouldn't go anywhere which resulted in my DD being so hurt.

rainbowstardrops · 27/12/2023 09:34

I'd have to say something! I'd be asking her bluntly why she's treating the children so differently because she said £40 maximum but the other children are getting considerably more spent on them and that it's upsetting for your children, so if that's what they intend to do going forward then you won't be going to theirs for Christmas from now on. Nasty behaviour.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:35

Wayk I am exactly the same. I spend the same on everyone and unless there has been something specifically asked for they generally get the same type of thing ie if 1 gets pjs then they all get pjs

OP posts: