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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU grandparents presents for gc

65 replies

Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 08:41

Hi everyone
I have been told I’m being unreasonable but it’s really starting to bug me.

my husbands step mum always buys the presents for the grand children. Husbands father doesn’t have any input into the present buying at all so I don’t really blame him.

every year they always say “we are cutting down this year” and say they want to spend no more then £40 per child - this is fine and I’m grateful but every year my 2 children get something that adds up to £40 and my brother in laws 4 children get these lavish presents that add up to a hell of a lot more then that.

my brother in law has has recently split from his long term girlfriend and only has 1 child who is 17. He has then got with his new girlfriend who has 3 children. They have been together for 18 months.

1 of the daughters (same age as my daughter) of the new girlfriends has just received a load of presents totalling well over £300 and my daughter received an outfit from primark which totalled £15 and a couple of face masks from home bargains

1 of the other daughters received this outdoor play house (god knows how much that was) and my 4 year old received a super hero outfit which is about £20!!

my children who are blood related always seem to be bottom of the list.

the 17 year old dc from my bil’s side received a very expensive jacket and a pair of trainers - I know these trainers are well over £100 as my nephew was telling me how rich grandparents must be

my daughter was gutted. She asked me why the other girl received all these presents as a few of them are exactly what my daughter wanted.

this has happened every year but never quite as big a difference as this year and now my daughter is definitely noticing and feeling hurt by it all.

My husband keeps saying “our kids have been spoilt by us and we shouldn’t expect anything from anyone”
yes I get that and I really don’t expect presents but when there is such a big difference it does put a dampener on things.

I just feel quite sorry for my daughter, she looked like she was about to burst into tears whilst opening the presents in front of everyone. I walked in her room last night and she had been crying but she said she had just stubbed her toe 😭

luckily my 4 year old didn’t notice.

how do I politely say that there gift buying is insane and it is hurting the grandchildren that are actually related to you by blood. Im usually quite blunt so need advice as I don’t want to fall out

there is no back story with these in laws, we have always got along really well, we may not see them as much as bil as they live closer.

its quite embarrassing as we all go to in laws house and have a bit of a party so all the children open the presents together, maybe it would be better if we did it all apart. I’m tempted to tell them not to buy for the kids as it hurts them so best to avoid in future.

aibu

OP posts:
ChateauDuMont · 27/12/2023 09:36

You are aware of the cost of the gifts but you say your daughter had tears in her eyes and I find that strange that the child has knowledge of the costs of gifts.

Has she overheard you talking about the price of gifts?

FloweryName · 27/12/2023 09:37

That would be the last Christmas I spent with them. How nasty of them to treat children so differently on Christmas Day!

I can understand why your husband doesn’t want to cause a fuss but his reaction would leave me very disappointed in him. He’s dismissed your daughter’s legitimate feelings as if they’d re nothing and then tried to behave as if it’s no big deal when you point it out to him. What sort of a father makes excuses for people that deliberately hurt his child?

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 27/12/2023 09:38

Is your bil your step mil's bio son? That could explain it.

I'd just refuse all presents from them and tell them why.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:41

ChateauDuMont hi ☺️ my daughter is 13 and she knows when someone is opening a Cristian Dior box with skin care and perfume that it is a lot more then a £15 active wear outfit from primark which has price tag on

also the other girl got 2 pairs of Nike pro leggings and a pair of converse and some elephant dunk skincare plus other bits and bobs.
This is exactly what my daughter is into and she knows the cost of each as she is currently saving up for it all!

OP posts:
MissBuffyAnneSummers · 27/12/2023 09:43

couple of face masks from home bargains

This was really a present?

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:43

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy
no not her son - she doesn’t have any children so all grand children are just father in laws grand kids. Step mil treats fil as her child (honestly) she babies him

OP posts:
CurzonDax · 27/12/2023 09:43

@ChateauDuMont - My understanding of the OP is that the daughter must be of teenage years? (The fact that she got an outfit and facemasks as her present, so not toys like a younger child would get).
Most teenagers are sharp enough to see the difference, most teenagers know the prices of high value/designer items (ie the trainers), as these are usually the sort of gifts they ask for (in fact, I believe OP said that daughter did ask for a couple of the exact same things, so she would know how much they cost compared to facemasks).

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:44

MissBuffyAnneSummers yes a couple of the face masks in the foil pouches that you get from everywhere for £1! She got a foot mask thing aswell 🤣 doesn’t really match up to Dior skincare does it!!!

OP posts:
iamjustlurking · 27/12/2023 09:47

I have been that GC that was less favoured than my sister due to multiple reasons. My parents did pull my Gran up and things changed dramatically. I don't think she was aware of the hurt caused.

I would certainly be calling my MIL and asking her the reasoning behind it telling her how uncomfortable we all felt.

She can obviously spend what she likes on who she likes but I would appreciate her showing respect and compassion for my children or going forward it would be better for us to spend occasions separately as families.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 27/12/2023 09:47

Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:44

MissBuffyAnneSummers yes a couple of the face masks in the foil pouches that you get from everywhere for £1! She got a foot mask thing aswell 🤣 doesn’t really match up to Dior skincare does it!!!

Ah I misunderstood. I read face masks and thought Covid rather than skincare.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 09:50

MissBuffyAnneSummers ha ha ha I wouldn’t put it past her to be fair - she is a bit of a hygiene nut - this would have atleast got a few laughs around the gift giving circle

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 27/12/2023 09:52

I would go NC.

The value of the presents is immaterial - what is important is the DISPARITY, and what it represents.

Your step-MIL is telling your children that they are not worth the steam off her p1ss. Stop it now. They'd be better off without these grandparents than being treated like sh1t by them.

Your DH can continue t see them if he wants, but don't subject your children to this divisive, manipulative behaviour.

Notmetoo · 27/12/2023 09:52

ChateauDuMont · 27/12/2023 09:36

You are aware of the cost of the gifts but you say your daughter had tears in her eyes and I find that strange that the child has knowledge of the costs of gifts.

Has she overheard you talking about the price of gifts?

She is 17. She would know the difference. Obviously the 4 year old won't notice.
OP this is odg. The only reason I can see for this would be if SM thought the other children won't get much if she doesn't buy them expensive gifts. But as you say that isn't the case I can't think why anyone would behave like that

Beautiful3 · 27/12/2023 09:58

That's actually quite horrible. I wouldn't put.my daughter through that again. I wouldn't go to unwrap presents with cousins. Stop going. Tell your husband to explain why they're no longer going, so that they understand.

Menomeno · 27/12/2023 10:03

I’ve been through this with my own mother. She spends a fortune on her step-daughter’s two children, and nothing on mine. Her reasoning is that SDD is a single mum and doesn’t earn much, whereas I can afford to buy presents for my kids. One year she even asked me to give her SDD £500 for presents as my mum was short and couldn’t help her out that year, which I did. SD goes out every weekend and has two girl’s holidays abroad with her friends every year. I’ve pointed this out to my DM. Along with the fact that I was also a single mother for years, and my mum never once helped me out financially, even when I was on the bones of my arse. OP, DH really needs to talk to them and let them know how much it upsets your DD, but ultimately it’s their choice. Maybe like my DSS, they think your BIL is a lame duck who needs more financial help than you and your DH. It’s unfair to treat your DDs as second-class though, and they need to be aware of what they’re doing.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 10:06

Thank you everyone for confirming my thoughts, I was starting to think maybe I’m going over the top about it.
think this will have been the last Christmas I spend with them unless things change - my step mil is the sort of person that will definitely take offence if I say something but I’m past caring now, usually I suck it up but when my daughter is clearly hurt and confused by it then it needs to stop now.

I agree things like this affect you for the rest of your life

OP posts:
WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 27/12/2023 10:06

@Helphusbandsadick

You start your OP stating "that woman will never be a mother to me" it's quite clear you hate her.

Maybe she's picked up on your hostility, and shows kindness to those who treat her kindly.

Yeah, it's a bit shitty to tar your children with the same brush as you, but if I had someone who didn't hide the fact they openly couldn't stand me, there's no chance I'd be spending hundreds on their kids Christmas presents. I'd be more tactful than to let the kids open things in front of each other though.

I imagine the BIL partners are very nice to her, and she obviously likes to treat people with presents. You can't treat someone like crap then complain they don't buy your kids hundreds of pounds of presents, that's beyond entitled.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/12/2023 10:07

Is his brother also the step mum child?

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 10:09

WillYouPutYourCoatOn I think you have got a crossed post - I didn’t say anything of the sort. Me and step mil are actually very friendly to each other

OP posts:
WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 27/12/2023 10:10

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 27/12/2023 10:06

@Helphusbandsadick

You start your OP stating "that woman will never be a mother to me" it's quite clear you hate her.

Maybe she's picked up on your hostility, and shows kindness to those who treat her kindly.

Yeah, it's a bit shitty to tar your children with the same brush as you, but if I had someone who didn't hide the fact they openly couldn't stand me, there's no chance I'd be spending hundreds on their kids Christmas presents. I'd be more tactful than to let the kids open things in front of each other though.

I imagine the BIL partners are very nice to her, and she obviously likes to treat people with presents. You can't treat someone like crap then complain they don't buy your kids hundreds of pounds of presents, that's beyond entitled.

Ignore me!

There's another thread almost identical, and she hates the stepmum, not you!!

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 10:11

Dishwashersaurous hi no step mil doesn’t have any children, husband and bil are both fil’s children to previous marriage so fil has 3 grandchildren by blood and 3 step grandchildren

OP posts:
Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 10:12

WillYouPutYourCoatOn
ha ha no problem, must be a typical Christmas Day argument in many households

OP posts:
Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 10:16

My df had a dw... She held the purse strings.. My dc got reduced clothes from Asda for Christmas every year.. Always out of season stuff... Her db's dc got proper gifts. They won Big Money.. Again df told me she controlled the purse strings and he was sorry he couldn't share any. Wasn't the money but the fact he stood by and accepted my dc and me weren't worth any effort. .. Irony imo the ticket was purchased with his benefit money with her as an added claimant... Still her money apparently as her name on the coupon. Been nc 20 years when she shouted down the phone their new home had no room for dc to visit...

Aydel · 27/12/2023 10:29

I was the unfavoured granddaughter too. My father had a word with his mother as my cousin would be opening piles of presents and I got a paperback book. We found out after she died that my Gran had also paid my cousin’s school fees (we were told she had got a bursary).

Richard1985 · 27/12/2023 10:35

If your husband is not willing to call it out directly, all that needs to be said is that next year the present opening is done separately from the step cousins

If the evil step mother asks why, then you can explain your reasons

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