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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU grandparents presents for gc

65 replies

Helphusbandsadick · 27/12/2023 08:41

Hi everyone
I have been told I’m being unreasonable but it’s really starting to bug me.

my husbands step mum always buys the presents for the grand children. Husbands father doesn’t have any input into the present buying at all so I don’t really blame him.

every year they always say “we are cutting down this year” and say they want to spend no more then £40 per child - this is fine and I’m grateful but every year my 2 children get something that adds up to £40 and my brother in laws 4 children get these lavish presents that add up to a hell of a lot more then that.

my brother in law has has recently split from his long term girlfriend and only has 1 child who is 17. He has then got with his new girlfriend who has 3 children. They have been together for 18 months.

1 of the daughters (same age as my daughter) of the new girlfriends has just received a load of presents totalling well over £300 and my daughter received an outfit from primark which totalled £15 and a couple of face masks from home bargains

1 of the other daughters received this outdoor play house (god knows how much that was) and my 4 year old received a super hero outfit which is about £20!!

my children who are blood related always seem to be bottom of the list.

the 17 year old dc from my bil’s side received a very expensive jacket and a pair of trainers - I know these trainers are well over £100 as my nephew was telling me how rich grandparents must be

my daughter was gutted. She asked me why the other girl received all these presents as a few of them are exactly what my daughter wanted.

this has happened every year but never quite as big a difference as this year and now my daughter is definitely noticing and feeling hurt by it all.

My husband keeps saying “our kids have been spoilt by us and we shouldn’t expect anything from anyone”
yes I get that and I really don’t expect presents but when there is such a big difference it does put a dampener on things.

I just feel quite sorry for my daughter, she looked like she was about to burst into tears whilst opening the presents in front of everyone. I walked in her room last night and she had been crying but she said she had just stubbed her toe 😭

luckily my 4 year old didn’t notice.

how do I politely say that there gift buying is insane and it is hurting the grandchildren that are actually related to you by blood. Im usually quite blunt so need advice as I don’t want to fall out

there is no back story with these in laws, we have always got along really well, we may not see them as much as bil as they live closer.

its quite embarrassing as we all go to in laws house and have a bit of a party so all the children open the presents together, maybe it would be better if we did it all apart. I’m tempted to tell them not to buy for the kids as it hurts them so best to avoid in future.

aibu

OP posts:

SnowsFalling · 27/12/2023 10:39

Dear PiL,
Just to give you advanced warning that we will not be opening presents with you on Christmas Day next year. The disparity between the gifts for each family isn't conducive to a harmonious day, so we will be doing our own thing.

Gcsunnyside23 · 27/12/2023 11:43

Your husband should be the one to say something but if he refuses I would do as others say and mention you don't want gifts unwrapped together as it's upsetting your kids as it's showing there's a difference if they say no then you don't go for Christmas. As an adult it's easy to say you don't mind and rationally put it aside but with teens then they will equate it to her grandparents liking the others more and they are damaging their relationship with her abs her self esteem. Both your fil and smil are assholes doing this, there's no way they aren't oblivious to how this plays out

Haveyouanyjam · 27/12/2023 12:52

This definitely needs a straight conversation. If your step MIL is otherwise good to you it may well be that she thinks you and your DH provide everything your kids need and so feels the others need spoiling more, or that she is otherwise overcompensating in some way.

If they were all little children it wouldn’t be such an issue, as the price of gifts to little kids is meaningless, my DD2 is enamoured with the ‘squashy cat’ she got in her stocking this year that cost all of £2. However, when it is clearly obvious and there are older children, it is a much bigger concern. Your DH or you if he won’t, need to explain how the obvious discrepancy made your older DD feel and query why they spent so much on some and not others. If they really believe the other children get less they can give them a voucher another time or something, or help their parents out with the gifts from them, rather than buy presents that are so much more expensive themselves.

Our older child definitely would notice this and he’s almost 9. I told him straight that his little sister has more gifts this year because the ones he asked for cost a lot more money. Our parents used to spend the same on me and my sister, to the extent if one of us didn’t ask for much they would give us the difference in a voucher. With cousins we just do chocolates etc. and a secret Santa because there is significant wealth discrepancy amongst the adults so it would be so awkward what people would give and receive if we didn’t.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/12/2023 13:10

I've been thinking about this one.

To spend hundreds of pounds on a non relative who you've known less than two years is really odd.

To do it whilst simultaneously only buying a token present for your actual grandchild is really batshit.

There must be some backstop to do with your husband that now the children are being caught in.

You need to very clearly any that you absolutely won't do presents with them ever again

ConsuelaHammock · 27/12/2023 13:45

Say something and say it in front of everyone . If you’re going to go Nc anyway do it in style!!

dinomirror · 27/12/2023 13:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons

girlfriend44 · 27/12/2023 14:25

Why is Xmas all about what people spent. Knock the present buying on the head, it causes so many problems.
Nobody ever mentions birthdays either. Just have a present on your birthday it's your special day. No need for all these presents and material stuff like branded trainers at Xmas too.

Resembleflower · 27/12/2023 14:26

Some families are just weird and spiteful. My own ‘father’ buys me nothing and his adult children from 2nd wife get £££. Boyfriends of a few weeks get a gifts and I don’t 😂

3peassuit · 27/12/2023 14:35

This is hurting your children and needs to stop. No child should be made aware that their grandparents are favouring other children. Tell your DF this is upsetting and unacceptable therefore you won’t be spending another Christmas in their company.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 14:37

When my youngest was 11 months he got no gift. 3 other dc got a selection box. Apparently df didn't think a baby ate chocolate.. Obviously no other gift existed for a baby.

QueenMegan · 27/12/2023 14:40

Why is the man off the hook?
Ask her outright? Maybe she doesn't like you.

Original poster

Helphusbandsadick · 28/12/2023 07:53

Little update for everyone and thank you all for taking the time to leave a comment and say my feelings were real.

so my in laws turned up last night with 2 very large present sacks for both my children. They have really gone to town on buying presents for my kids. I’m not sure whether my in laws have either read this post OR my husband has said something.

my daughter has received pretty much everything the other girl received and my 4 year old has also received a load more presents. My in-laws said “the presents hadn’t arrived on time” which is fine if it was just 1 possibly 2 presents but this was a very large sack for each. So I think someone somewhere has said something

my daughter is chuffed to bits so I’m just leaving it now and let my daughter receive the gifts with grace and now I haven’t rocked the boat and keep my head held high. I later spoke with my daughter and she was slightly confused but I just said “see they don’t love you any less” I would have loved to have said “they could have told you they were still waiting for more gifts to arrive” but I left it and everyone is a lot more happy now. Just wish my daughter hadn’t been put through it all in the first place and left to feel embarrassed and sad on Christmas and Boxing Day but I’ll suck it up now and hope it doesn’t happen next year. It almost feels like they either went out and did a mad rush buying presents in Boxing Day or they kept the presents back for some reason and didn’t want to give my kids them in front of everyone?? Well I suppose we will never know

thanks again everyone xx

OP posts:

Cassepoia · 28/12/2023 08:34

Im wondering if FIL was put in charge of your DCs presents and step MIL in charge of other DC presents...when they realised discrepancy it was too late and so they made it up after Xmas.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/12/2023 09:23

Great update op.

Even more werid situation now though.

Next year definitely plan on not doing presents with bil, instead do it on different days, so can never happen again.

But clearly some very odd dynamics at play here.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/12/2023 09:24

I actually also hope that BIL and his girlfriend said something about the asymmetrical nature of the presents as well

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