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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD says I'm pestering her to get a job when she has one already

76 replies

Mastmw7g · 26/12/2023 20:47

My 20 year old makes money by taking pictures and videos of herself and posting them on a subscription platform online. She's been doing that for six months, but hasn't made much money. She moved back home recently. It's supposed to be temporary until she gets a place of her own. It's been awful. My ten year old daughter has spoken to me a couple times about how she doesn't like having her sister here, and asking why we let her live here if she behaves like this. I have been taking every opportunity to talk to my 20 year old about getting a job so she can move out. She says she already has a job, but no place is going to rent to her unless she can show a history of making enough money for six months. She doesn't have that. I just need her to get a regular job and move out. Am I being unreasonable to always talk about jobs with her? It's causing conflict.

OP posts:

Flickersy · 26/12/2023 20:53

If her living with you was always supposed to be temporary and it's causing issues with the household, then give her a deadline.

Tell her she has to be out by X date (whatever you think is reasonable), so she has to take steps to find a job and a place to live in the new year.

While it's important children know that they should be able to come home if there's a real crisis, her refusing to get a job is not a crisis.

qazxc · 26/12/2023 20:58

She may have a job but it her income is neither enough or regular. She needs to find alternative or additional form of income.
Given she's unwilling to do that and is creating problems in your house, it may be time to plan for an exit date.

mumsytoon · 26/12/2023 21:01

That isn't a job. It's a little hobby that won't get you anywhere. Have a chat with her about direction of her life. She needs a proper job.

GOODCAT · 26/12/2023 21:02

You aren't being unreasonable at 20 she should be doing a full time job. What she is actually doing is more of a side line.

Can you go ask her to come up with a plan to earn from a regular job at least 35 hours a week and do the other as a side hustle. She also needs to be genuinely helpful at home and do her share of the workload there too.

Her attitude also needs to be good.

Remind her you love her and you want the best for her. That means she doesn't settle for half a job or a less than positive attitude.

disappearingfish · 26/12/2023 21:04

It's definitely not a job and she needs to stop deluding herself.

HaddawayAndShite · 26/12/2023 21:08

Are you ever going to take advice about this or are you just going to post and post and ignore everyone?

Beezknees · 26/12/2023 21:10

You post about this every couple of weeks and people have given you plenty of advice. Have you taken any of it on board?

LaahDeeDah · 26/12/2023 21:12

and asking why we let her live here if she behaves like this

What is she behaving like?

How much does your 10 year know about what's going on?

SteadyEddi · 26/12/2023 21:14

More details needed

Original poster

Mastmw7g · 26/12/2023 21:16

@HaddawayAndShite I've taken the advice I can take. My husband will not do an exit date, so I can't do that. She knows so any boundary or rule I set she just asks what he says. This time around I have been very careful around her. The worst I said was that she's a guest in my home, this was in response to her telling me to get the f away from her. She yelled that I threatened her and started crying loudly.

OP posts:

WorriedMum231 · 26/12/2023 21:16

Shes Unlikely to make money on OF - it’s a full time job to make a good wage and it’s still very rare

She needs to grow up, get a full time job or move out. What is she doing to make your 10 yr old so unhappy? Honestly, just kick her out if she doesn’t start contributing and stop disrupting.

Hubblebubble · 26/12/2023 21:19

You might want to talk to her about OF affecting her future mainstream job prospects.

Hubblebubble · 26/12/2023 21:19

Imagine that popping up if she ever stood for political office or wanted to work in law.

Hubblebubble · 26/12/2023 21:19

Or education

Coconutter24 · 26/12/2023 21:20

Why has it been awful having her back home? How does she behave? Seems odd that a parent would want their 20 year old out so bad. Yes she is 20 and definitely needs to be earning a lot more or how is she going to provide for herself? That said I couldn’t imagine telling my 20year old she needs a job so she can move out

LittleMissSleepyUK · 26/12/2023 21:23

I think it’s awful you’re taking your younger child’s requests as more important. They should both be equally welcome

Original poster

Mastmw7g · 26/12/2023 21:24

@LaahDeeDah Just the fighting and swearing, mostly when I bring up getting a job. She also sleeps all day then makes a lot of noise when she's awake, getting ready to go out, while my ten year old is trying to go to sleep. And the yelling when I tell her to not make a lot of noise. Then getting home at in the early hours before anyone is up and making a lot of noise again. The yelling when I get up and tell her to not make a lot of noise.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 26/12/2023 21:27

So take your ten year old and leave if no-one enforces reasonable boundaries and screams at you when you try leave dad can support her

HerMammy · 26/12/2023 22:05

Are you the OP who paid her DDs rent and her flatmates hated her and her dog, she's on Only Fans and you clearly dislike her? You've had endless advice already.

Original poster

Mastmw7g · 26/12/2023 22:28

@HerMammy I dislike living with her, but I do not dislike her. The six months we lived apart were very good for us. She talked to me every day, often for hours. She said she preferred talking to me over talking to DH. She honestly says she hates living here, hates living with children. So she's unhappy, too. She says she can't live with others again after her last experience. So she needs a place of her own. She wants it to be close to us so we can take care of her dog when she wants to go out for more than a few hours. But she has a lot of other criteria, like it has to be a two bedroom and at least 1,000 square feet. We will help her financially until next June because we promised a year of support, but we won't guarantee anything by signing because she caused property damage last time when she was angry.

OP posts:

BillionaireTea · 26/12/2023 22:31

You've had at least two threads on this. Why do you think you will get different advice?

kweeble · 26/12/2023 22:36

You obviously take no advice yet post repeatedly. It’s a difficult situation made harder by your own inaction.
I do feel sorry for your other daughter and hope she doesn’t follow her sister’s example in a few year’s time.

PickAChew · 26/12/2023 22:43

"But she has a lot of other criteria, like it has to be a two bedroom and at least 1,000 square feet"

Most families live in 1000 square foot or smaller.homes. She's being fucking ridiculous, as are you for indulging her then complaining about the consequences.

CwmYoy · 26/12/2023 22:44

Truly grim.

Hubblebubble · 26/12/2023 22:45

Could you suggest a therapist? She must have very low self esteem, to be doing adult entertainment work when she isn't desperate, vulnerable or even making money

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