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Original poster

DD says I'm pestering her to get a job when she has one already

76 replies

Mastmw7g · 26/12/2023 20:47

My 20 year old makes money by taking pictures and videos of herself and posting them on a subscription platform online. She's been doing that for six months, but hasn't made much money. She moved back home recently. It's supposed to be temporary until she gets a place of her own. It's been awful. My ten year old daughter has spoken to me a couple times about how she doesn't like having her sister here, and asking why we let her live here if she behaves like this. I have been taking every opportunity to talk to my 20 year old about getting a job so she can move out. She says she already has a job, but no place is going to rent to her unless she can show a history of making enough money for six months. She doesn't have that. I just need her to get a regular job and move out. Am I being unreasonable to always talk about jobs with her? It's causing conflict.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mastmw7g · 26/12/2023 22:48

@Hubblebubble She had a therapist before she moved, that we paid for. She said she mainly complained about her housemates during therapy. We will get her a new therapist in this area. We promised her that we wouldn't ever let her go without therapy.

OP posts:
Alcyoneus · 26/12/2023 22:49

So she swears and abuses her parent. If you raised a kid who thinks it’s ok to do that to you as a parent, it’s too late now to cry over spilt milk.

Alcyoneus · 26/12/2023 22:52

The armchair psychologists are out in force.

What does she need therapy for?

Her self esteem is probably too high, if anything. She thinks she can make money off social media or whatever platform, and no one is buying anything from her. She is basically a spoilt who like many thinks she is going to make her millions online. She needs a few home truths, rather than being indulged. With therapy of all things.

Hubblebubble · 26/12/2023 22:57

Everyone needs therapy tbf. If it was easily available and free at point of use, it'd probably save the NHS loads of money in the long term. Helping to tackle depression, anxiety, comfort/disordered eating, suicides... it might help people resolve issues, rather than passing down trauma/ repeating abuse cycles.

Hardly a massive leap to suggest a girl who isn't vulnerable (clearly has supportive parents) and is choosing to do poorly paid sex/adult entertainment work might have some issues. @Alcyoneus

Grimchmas · 26/12/2023 22:58

She's an absolute nightmare and I can't believe this is still going on! Your DH is a useless sack of shit for enabling this shit. Are you still paying her rent at the place she moved out of?

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 26/12/2023 23:03

no place is going to rent to her unless she can show a history of making enough money for six months.

Total rubbish. Renters don’t need six months history of the same job at all

What does she do in the house that makes her a nightmare?

Alcyoneus · 26/12/2023 23:03

Hubblebubble · 26/12/2023 22:57

Everyone needs therapy tbf. If it was easily available and free at point of use, it'd probably save the NHS loads of money in the long term. Helping to tackle depression, anxiety, comfort/disordered eating, suicides... it might help people resolve issues, rather than passing down trauma/ repeating abuse cycles.

Hardly a massive leap to suggest a girl who isn't vulnerable (clearly has supportive parents) and is choosing to do poorly paid sex/adult entertainment work might have some issues. @Alcyoneus

Edited

Everyone does not need therapy. A vast majority of people simply take responsibility. The world never has and never will revolve around them. Like most people in life, they will need to take responsibility for their choices.

The NHS is not a proxy for everything. And being babied does not help anyone. This attitude actually demeans true mental health issues.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2023 23:04

You and your DH need to be on the same page before anything will work

Viviennemary · 26/12/2023 23:04

She isnt very old to be chucked out of her home. But if she wants to stay then she should be making an effort to get on with the rest of the family. She doesnt have a job that earns her a proper wage. Even if she had a job things could still be difficult..

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 26/12/2023 23:08

@Grimchmas We paid for December at the place she moved out of. We don't need to pay for more than that because her housemates already have someone to replace her. Apparently they felt about her how she felt about them. DH went to her on the 15th to help her start packing and then he loaded everything up and brought her here. So she hasn't been back with us long but it's been eventful and miserable.

OP posts:
Hubblebubble · 26/12/2023 23:09

@Alcyoneus many people would argue that therapy is a way to take responsibility for one's own mental health. In the same way that exercise and eating healthily are ways to take responsibility for one's physical health. Prevention is better than cure after all.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 26/12/2023 23:11

@KylieJennersMakeUpSponge Yes, if your income doesn't come from an employer you need to show that the money you have coming in is enough and that there's an established history of it.

OP posts:
Squiggles23 · 26/12/2023 23:26

So shes only been back 11 days OP? Including over Christmas?

You do seem to have fairly unrealistic expectations and be desperate to get her out which can’t be nice for her.

You need to find a way to live and tolerate each other for a short time. She’s your adult daughter and not a guest in your house. Strange attitude to have.

Yes you need boundaries/an agreement whilst she lives with you. No posting pics of herself isn’t a job. However, a part of the problem must be how you are going about things for it to have got this bad in a week?

Diggerdriverless · 26/12/2023 23:36

Sounds like you and your DH need to work out what you want without your daughter around. What do you both think is reasonable while she's living with you? Behaviour, respect, noise, disruption, help with cooking/chores - agree what limits you are going to set and then both stick to them. Don't disagree in front of her or let her play you off against each other. You want to work out a way to help her function as an adult.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 26/12/2023 23:55

@Squiggles23 It's been less than two weeks and she already says she hates it here. DH says this has been a miserable Christmas. My youngest daughter has come to me twice unhappy about having her sister here. My oldest son cried that her yelling makes him feel like no one cares about him. I know it hasn't been long, but I think it would be better for us all, her included, if she lived elsewhere.

And she can be my adult daughter AND also a guest.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 26/12/2023 23:58

Well if her ‘job’ isn’t making her any money then she needs a part time job around it to get some more income and to provide her with some examples to use in job applications for full time work. Fine to do the social media stuff around a paid job. Maybe one day she will earn enough to leave a paid role, but right now that’s not the case and she can’t expect to live rent free posting photos all day long

DdraigGoch · 27/12/2023 00:03

LittleMissSleepyUK · 26/12/2023 21:23

I think it’s awful you’re taking your younger child’s requests as more important. They should both be equally welcome

The younger child doesn't have a choice where they live. An adult is free to move out if they don't like the terms.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/12/2023 00:04

If she wants a large 2-bed house, then she needs a job that pays enough for her to rent one, which she doesn’t currently have!

Squiggles23 · 27/12/2023 00:07

@Mastmw7g shes not a guest. She doesn’t have a job or a different home. She’s 20 not 35 and she’s been back two weeks. If she’s a guest then she’s currently homeless. It’s just not really. Great attitude to have towards your barely adult daughter. I think there are other issues going on here too.

DdraigGoch · 27/12/2023 00:09

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 26/12/2023 23:03

no place is going to rent to her unless she can show a history of making enough money for six months.

Total rubbish. Renters don’t need six months history of the same job at all

What does she do in the house that makes her a nightmare?

If they can't show proof that they will be able to afford the rent (a job offer with enough contracted hours for example, as opposed to a zero hour contract or a history of steady earnings in self-employment) then a guarantor will be required. Understandably the OP doesn't want to do this.

Motnight · 27/12/2023 00:10

Op what advice are you hoping to get from this thread that you haven't got from the others?

OfficerChurlish · 27/12/2023 00:22

My husband will not do an exit date, so I can't do that. She knows so any boundary or rule I set she just asks what he says.

This is your problem. What will you do about it?

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 27/12/2023 00:27

Diggerdriverless · 26/12/2023 23:36

Sounds like you and your DH need to work out what you want without your daughter around. What do you both think is reasonable while she's living with you? Behaviour, respect, noise, disruption, help with cooking/chores - agree what limits you are going to set and then both stick to them. Don't disagree in front of her or let her play you off against each other. You want to work out a way to help her function as an adult.

I'll try doing that with him. I tried before she moved in, and couldn't get him to commit to rules and boundaries. He's not fond of conflict, but I really feel like his way just leads to putting out fires instead of preventing them.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 27/12/2023 00:31

Motnight · 27/12/2023 00:10

Op what advice are you hoping to get from this thread that you haven't got from the others?

I too remember your previous threads. So your daughter has been shit to her ex housemates, she has a dog which makes it difficult to find new housing, she treats all of you like shit and you're willing to give her loads of money. She has no incentive to behave better and your younger DD is suffering because of your shit (in)decisions.

Honestly, what are you expecting to read that you've not already read in the other threads?

Fraaahnces · 27/12/2023 00:32

I think you need to start charging her board and contributing to household chores. I would also insist that she gets herself some counselling because she is not taking responsibility for her own behaviour.