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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD says I'm pestering her to get a job when she has one already

76 replies

Mastmw7g · 26/12/2023 20:47

My 20 year old makes money by taking pictures and videos of herself and posting them on a subscription platform online. She's been doing that for six months, but hasn't made much money. She moved back home recently. It's supposed to be temporary until she gets a place of her own. It's been awful. My ten year old daughter has spoken to me a couple times about how she doesn't like having her sister here, and asking why we let her live here if she behaves like this. I have been taking every opportunity to talk to my 20 year old about getting a job so she can move out. She says she already has a job, but no place is going to rent to her unless she can show a history of making enough money for six months. She doesn't have that. I just need her to get a regular job and move out. Am I being unreasonable to always talk about jobs with her? It's causing conflict.

OP posts:
Diggerdriverless · 27/12/2023 00:32

Mastmw7g · 27/12/2023 00:27

I'll try doing that with him. I tried before she moved in, and couldn't get him to commit to rules and boundaries. He's not fond of conflict, but I really feel like his way just leads to putting out fires instead of preventing them.

Show quote history

Well he's going to have conflict with you if he won't face up to her! She might make more of a noisy fuss than you will but remind him you will be around long after she does eventually move out. Good luck.

Agapornis · 27/12/2023 00:33

HerMammy · 26/12/2023 22:05

Are you the OP who paid her DDs rent and her flatmates hated her and her dog, she's on Only Fans and you clearly dislike her? You've had endless advice already.

Also this, I'm bemused OP doesn't mention OnlyFans in this thread, strategic choice.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 27/12/2023 00:42

Agapornis · 27/12/2023 00:33

Also this, I'm bemused OP doesn't mention OnlyFans in this thread, strategic choice.

Show quote history

When I've done that it just devolves into infighting about whether sex work is real work, and I just want to be mindful of the fact that I'm repeatedly talking to her about getting a job at Christmas, which I truly am not sure is unreasonable. But I'm realizing that I've done this because persistent annoyance is the only tool I have in my arsenal if my husband won't agree to boundaries.

OP posts:
Midnightgrey · 27/12/2023 00:59

So your husband is happy to support her while she photographs her breasts and other assorted bits in the family home and displays them on the internet for random men to use as a masturbation aid? She doesn't even appear to be successful at it though it would appear to be a crowded field!

MsPavlichenko · 27/12/2023 01:08

Your DD is prostituting herself. That’s shocking. You can object to her doing that in your house, regardless of what your DH says. You know that?

Saggypants · 27/12/2023 01:08

I'd be tempted to take the young ones and move into rental accommodation myself. Leave the DH to deal with the shit fight of his own making.

RedHelenB · 27/12/2023 04:10

LittleMissSleepyUK · 26/12/2023 21:23

I think it’s awful you’re taking your younger child’s requests as more important. They should both be equally welcome

I sisagree. Dc2 is a minor and can't fend for themself .Until she reaches 18 she should be the priority

Trez1510 · 27/12/2023 04:36

Does your husband understand what OF is? I can't see many fathers being supportive of that And any who are, are questionable IMO.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 27/12/2023 04:46

I think your first battle is your DH - if he is saying it was a miserable Christmas then you need to talk to him and outline the younger kids aren’t happy so whether it is stronger boundaries on your DD’s behaviour, being quiet and respectful etc or moving out you both need to work together.

Tell your DH something has to give and he may hate conflict but it’s a necessity in this situation. If he is unwilling to work with you , move out with the younger two , they are completely innocent in all of this

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2023 04:47

Alcyoneus · 26/12/2023 22:52

The armchair psychologists are out in force.

What does she need therapy for?

Her self esteem is probably too high, if anything. She thinks she can make money off social media or whatever platform, and no one is buying anything from her. She is basically a spoilt who like many thinks she is going to make her millions online. She needs a few home truths, rather than being indulged. With therapy of all things.

I’d say she has high self worth, low self esteem if anything. In self worth terms, she thinks she deserves x, y and z and doesn’t think she needs to earn it. In self esteem terms, she’s masking with self worth and subconsciously feels she is unable to legitimately earn what she thinks she deserves.

As for therapy, it only works if the client agrees to be vulnerable and works with a therapist, who is skilled enough to do the necessary work and create a rapport.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2023 04:50

OfficerChurlish · 27/12/2023 00:22

My husband will not do an exit date, so I can't do that. She knows so any boundary or rule I set she just asks what he says.

This is your problem. What will you do about it?

I agree. If he wants to fund her lifestyle, he can move out with her. It sounds as if you’ve got to choose between your youngest and your marriage / eldest.

polkadotclip · 27/12/2023 08:07

What is your daughter's long term career plan?

What education and training has she had?

I would mostly be worried about a directionless 20 year old. How is she going to progress, get a proper job that is more than hand to mouth and live as a responsible grown up?

The worry and help you are giving to her might best be directed here.

Grimchmas · 27/12/2023 08:46

@Squiggles23 there is a looooong history that isn't all mentioned in this thread, but the OP has done previous threads if you would like to look them up.

In essence, the daughter sounds like an absolute nightmare, getting a dog in unstable living conditions, falling out with housemates, and insisting on doing adult work from her mum's house when her mum has expressed reluctance and discomfort with it, and with a H who won't back mum up over anything to do with DD. I'm fairly sure it was months ago that OP last posted about she didn't want her DD doing OF work from her house as DD had been planning to. I'm pretty sure there's a ton of other backstory that I've forgotten (possibly a uni drop out?). It's not just 11 days, not in the least. DD has consistently refused to get any other work and instead leaned on parents to sub her life expenses including rent while she "works" as a cam girl for very little and inconsistent money.

Grimchmas · 27/12/2023 08:54

@polkadotclip from previous threads I'm pretty sure the career plan is only as far as "do OF work" and no other training or career is planned. This isn't for want of the poor OP trying to guide and help her DD. I'm pretty sure there was a drop out of either Uni or a career IIRC (apologies OP if I'm wrong). I think rent was agreed to be covered for a year as there was a house move that would have made things more difficult for DD to continue with her plans (going to uni or in a location-specific job IIRC). DD fell out with housemates, dropped the job/uni, took up the OF work and wanted to move back in with her mum in the new house.

WorriedMum231 · 27/12/2023 09:09

Mastmw7g · 26/12/2023 22:28

@HerMammy I dislike living with her, but I do not dislike her. The six months we lived apart were very good for us. She talked to me every day, often for hours. She said she preferred talking to me over talking to DH. She honestly says she hates living here, hates living with children. So she's unhappy, too. She says she can't live with others again after her last experience. So she needs a place of her own. She wants it to be close to us so we can take care of her dog when she wants to go out for more than a few hours. But she has a lot of other criteria, like it has to be a two bedroom and at least 1,000 square feet. We will help her financially until next June because we promised a year of support, but we won't guarantee anything by signing because she caused property damage last time when she was angry.

Omg this situation is literally ridiculous. Sort it out.

Squiggles23 · 27/12/2023 09:21

@Grimchmas you are right had a quick look and I’ve read many of the other threads before too.

I still think it’s parenting issues going wrong here. Especially based on the volume of threads.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 27/12/2023 11:15

My husband knows what OF is. He unfollowed DD on social media after he saw her promoting herself there. He said he didn't need to see that.

She isn't a dropout. She has a degree in art and design for games and playable media. I've talked to her about trying out jobs in other industries, like marketing or sales since she doesn't want to join the video game industry. She said she really just wants to be famous.

She said she had a notification that she hadn't posted in sixteen days, but I doubt that's because she respects my household.

OP posts:
Hubblebubble · 27/12/2023 11:34

If she really can't be guided away from OF, then she needs to realise that those earning a real living from it are working long hours. They're editing, posting, researching new ways to be interesting to customers, researching and buying expenses (best lighting and recording equipment, underwear and clothes). It's a time consuming career for those who actually make a good living from it.

MikeRafone · 27/12/2023 15:32

where I live you really need a guaranteed income of around £25k-30K to rent a 2 bed place. Your daughter is living like Walter if she thinks she is going to get a job, rent a flat of 2 bedrooms and 1000sqf

WorriedMum231 · 27/12/2023 19:31

She said she had a notification that she hadn't posted in sixteen days, but I doubt that's because she respects my household.

so she doesn’t have a job?

ireallycantthinkofaname · 27/12/2023 19:48

If she hasn't posted in 16 days she's not working.
People who make a decent living wage on OF do it full time (or more).
Is she not getting any benefits either/whatever the equivalent is where you are? (I'm presuming you're in the US?)

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 28/12/2023 09:42

@ireallycantthinkofaname No, she's not on benefits. You presume correctly. DH took her to look at rentals yesterday and she found some she qualified for based on her bank statements. She spoke to us for hours about it, but then went to sleep.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 28/12/2023 09:47

Mastmw7g · 28/12/2023 09:42

@ireallycantthinkofaname No, she's not on benefits. You presume correctly. DH took her to look at rentals yesterday and she found some she qualified for based on her bank statements. She spoke to us for hours about it, but then went to sleep.

You said that She's been doing that for six months, but hasn't made much money.

What do her bank statements show that mean she would qualify for rentals? How could she pay the rent/bills if she’s not earning much?

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 28/12/2023 10:08

Shinyandnew1 · 28/12/2023 09:47

You said that She's been doing that for six months, but hasn't made much money.

What do her bank statements show that mean she would qualify for rentals? How could she pay the rent/bills if she’s not earning much?

Show quote history

No, she hasn't made much money. She's not qualifying based on the money she has coming in, but the balance she's carried in savings. She made most of her money from the first month, but she has savings from before that she hasn't touched. We'll help out for six months with rent, but she'll have to get a job to pay the rest.

OP posts:
Dotjones · 28/12/2023 10:21

She needs to commit to her work a lot more if she's going to have a chance of making enough money out of her OnlyFans work to survive, let alone rent somewhere decent. She needs to do content daily, it's as much of a commitment as a traditional job is. The women who are successful at it are usually the more "adventurous" (to use a euphamism), is she willing to to push herself well beyond her comfort zone? Solo nude images won't cut it, it needs to be more graphic and usually more degrading than the competition, unless she can think of a USP that's not well-catered for at present. Honestly, it's easier to get a normal job than make OnlyFans work.

I think she sounds fairly typical given her age - children are brought up to think they are unique and special, then when they reach adulthood find that they're expected to graft for low wages in a job they hate like everyone else. They're brought up being told hard work pays only to be faced with basic, demeaning roles with low pay, no security and few prospects. It's a shock to the system that a lot of people have to work through, she'll probably be fine in three or four years.