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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That this situation / relationship is just too messy?

63 replies

NotSienna · 26/12/2023 20:37

I think I know the answer but here goes.
This is a long one.

Back story: I married young, 18 years old and husband was 21. We had 2 children together but our marriage didn’t last and we split when I was 25. I met someone else at 26 and we had 2 children together- unfortunately, he left me last year (we were together since 2012) and I’ve been a single mum of 4 since last year.

When my husband and I split, in 2011, things were not amicable. My husband had mental health issues and turned to alcohol, and he stopped seeing our 2 children, didn’t pay maintenance, and basically abandoned them. I moved away and we had no contact.

In 2020, my husband found me through social media and wanted to get in touch to start seeing our 2 children again. We spoke at length on the phone where he was very apologetic and honest and explained how bad his mental health ended up (he was an in patient in hospital at one point for a long time) he explained how he had actually overcome his difficulties, gone to rehab, had been sober since 2017….

I had always been honest with our children, regarding the situation with their dad and they had basically been brought up my ex, who was and still is a brilliant step dad to them. However, they both wanted to meet their dad again, so I followed their lead… and now they have a great relationship with their dad.

So fast forward to now…. In the last year, I’ve started meeting up with my husband alone- we never actually got divorced despite being separated since 2011… and a few months ago we started sleeping together.

Yesterday, we actually spent Christmas Day together (the 2 children I have with my ex were at their dads and the 2 we have together stayed with us.)

We had such an amazing Christmas…. My husband asked me if I would get back together with him.

My head says this is far too messy… he also had 2 children with someone else in the time we were apart and he does see them, but our 2 children have not met their siblings yet. My other 2 children have not met my husband yet and we’ve kept our own ‘relationship’ away from all 4 of them (and his 2) and literally no one knows about the situation we are now in.

My head just tells me I would be selfish to start a relationship again with my husband after all this time, and the fact we both have gone on to have other children - which would make the new dynamics quite complex and difficult for all children involved. My head also says if we split again, what will that do to the children we have together and the relationship they have built since 2020…

My heart, however, says I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else… that we settled down too young and that’s why it didn’t work out the first time round… and my husband has successfully beat his demons and is healthy, well, works hard, happy and settled…

I can’t speak to anyone in real life about this and I hope it’s not too outing but I’m willing to take the chance as I could do with an outsider’s perspective.

YABU- to even consider having a proper relationship again with my husband and it is selfish / too risky for the 6 children involved.

YANBU- you should follow your heart and make a go of things with your husband again. Life is too short not to be happy…

tia

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 26/12/2023 20:42

Bit messy, but if he makes you happy and is a healthy relationship (for all of your dc as well as you) then why not?

Savedpassword · 26/12/2023 20:46

As long as you treat it like any other ‘new’ relationship in terms of simply dating, keeping it away from the children for a decent length of time etc then it’s reasonable to explore.

Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 20:46

I think it’s the not knowing if we will actually be happy or not, until we do it. And is that a selfish risk to take? And also my other 2 haven’t met my husband and neither myself or the 2 we have together, has met his 2 children (they are fairly young still) not sure how we would go about it all 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
HollyBerryMistletoe · 26/12/2023 20:47

No.

He may be everything you want and be genuinely healthy now... but, this will really mess with (all) your children's lives. They come first.

I have nothing against step or blended families, I'm from one and now have one of my own, but this is just too much. Too much could and probably will go wrong and your children will come off worst.

He's just a man really, your children are so much more important.

CrapBucket · 26/12/2023 20:51

You married at 18 and you were single for just a year in between your husband and your ex? Then single for a short time before rekindling things with your husband?

Honestly I think you need some time in your life that’s just for you. Be single.

Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 20:53

CrapBucket · 26/12/2023 20:51

You married at 18 and you were single for just a year in between your husband and your ex? Then single for a short time before rekindling things with your husband?

Honestly I think you need some time in your life that’s just for you. Be single.

Yes… this is the unspoken part of the story really. I have not really been ‘single’ for long since the age of 18, and I wonder if that’s got something to do with me considering rekindling our marriage again.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 20:56

HollyBerryMistletoe · 26/12/2023 20:47

No.

He may be everything you want and be genuinely healthy now... but, this will really mess with (all) your children's lives. They come first.

I have nothing against step or blended families, I'm from one and now have one of my own, but this is just too much. Too much could and probably will go wrong and your children will come off worst.

He's just a man really, your children are so much more important.

This is definitely what my head says as well. And even my husband has the same concerns and neither of us seem to know what to actually do. We’ve considered just carrying on what we have now - we meet in secret when we don’t have any of the children with us, as the 2 we have together have a great relationship with my ex, therefore we both have a lot of child free time. But I even have worries there - the 2 we have together are now 15 and 13, and no matter how well we think we are hiding what we have now, they could find out.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 26/12/2023 20:57

How would you feel if you didn't get back with him and then he married someone else?

Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 20:58

pinkyredrose · 26/12/2023 20:57

How would you feel if you didn't get back with him and then he married someone else?

Completely honest- I would be devastated

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 21:00

I also feel like I carry a lot of guilt over how things ended. I married him for better or worse but couldn’t handle him becoming mentally unwell. If I had stayed by his side, we could have potentially saved our marriage. I feel I was just too young - we both were- I had one child at 21 and the other at 23. In hindsight, marrying and becoming a mother at those ages just didn’t work.

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:03

Take 5 years. If in 5 years' time you both still want to be together, if you have co-parented with him successfully over that period, if you have developed a solid friendship in the absence of a sexual relationship, then you can decide if you want to take the relationship to a sexual level.

You need to learn to be on your own for some years in order to be able to have a healthy relationship. And your children need to see that you can be there for them without a man.

Wooloohooloo · 26/12/2023 21:09

Why did you never divorce?

nutbrownhare15 · 26/12/2023 21:11

I agree you need to put the children first. Talk to him about how you can progress things slowly while being very very careful and exploring how to ensure that even if you split you would minimise the hurt to them. I wouldn't say you have to end things but take them very very slowly away from the kids and give it lots of time to ensure it's the right thing for you and to reduce the risk of the kids being hurt. For example he needs to prove he won't be leaving the children's lives again.

CalistoNoSolo · 26/12/2023 21:16

This whole scenario is fucked up. Poor kids if it's for real.

pinkyredrose · 26/12/2023 21:17

NotSienna · 26/12/2023 20:58

Completely honest- I would be devastated

Show quote history

Then there's your answer. Once the kids have got over the suprise you'll be able to be happy together.

Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 21:19

Wooloohooloo · 26/12/2023 21:09

Why did you never divorce?

With everything broke down completely, and all contact was stopped, I moved away with the children, and didn’t even think about it for about a year. Then I tried to make contact with my ex to arrange it but he refused to engage in any discussion about it - obviously now I know how unwell he was, it wasn’t him just being malicious. Then I just didn’t go ahead with it on my own knowing it would be me having to cover all the costs of it myself. Not really a good enough reason to stay married though- everyone in our lives thought it was ridiculous, and I know they’re right.

OP posts:
AnotherVice · 26/12/2023 21:19

he stopped seeing our 2 children, didn’t pay maintenance, and basically abandoned them
I'd read this bit back and ask why you'd let this man into your children's lives.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2023 21:23

If he actually has changed, if he really is a decent man now, and if he genuinely loves you and wants to build a proper future with you, he will wait and take it slowly to ensure the kids come first. All of this is way too soon, way too much, and far too fast. Slow it the fuck down.

I'm sorry op, but your judgement seems quite questionable.

Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 21:24

CalistoNoSolo · 26/12/2023 21:16

This whole scenario is fucked up. Poor kids if it's for real.

Definitely real, and I know it’s crazy. The thing is, with the 2 children we had together- they are now 15 and 13 and have been brought up my ex (who they call dad) despite then knowing they had a biological dad and whole other family, they have been brought up in a happy environment and their step dad has been absolutely amazing. Basically, their lives have been happy and stable until my ex left me last year - he had an affair but he’s still a brilliant father.
They haven’t seen me go from man to man and their childhoods have been good. I know we would be rocking the boat to pursue this relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 21:26

AnotherVice · 26/12/2023 21:19

he stopped seeing our 2 children, didn’t pay maintenance, and basically abandoned them
I'd read this bit back and ask why you'd let this man into your children's lives.

That’s how I felt at the time and how I viewed the whole situation, right up until when he made contact in 2020 and I realised just how unwell he had become. So from another perspective, I actually abandoned my
husband when he was unwell.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 26/12/2023 21:26

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:03

Take 5 years. If in 5 years' time you both still want to be together, if you have co-parented with him successfully over that period, if you have developed a solid friendship in the absence of a sexual relationship, then you can decide if you want to take the relationship to a sexual level.

You need to learn to be on your own for some years in order to be able to have a healthy relationship. And your children need to see that you can be there for them without a man.

You missed the part where they’re already sleeping together then 😅

Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 21:28

Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2023 21:23

If he actually has changed, if he really is a decent man now, and if he genuinely loves you and wants to build a proper future with you, he will wait and take it slowly to ensure the kids come first. All of this is way too soon, way too much, and far too fast. Slow it the fuck down.

I'm sorry op, but your judgement seems quite questionable.

This is actually really helpful. ‘Slow it the fuck down’ is exactly what we have to do. We are thinking too far ahead and rushing into something that could end up a complete disaster.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 21:33

pinkyredrose · 26/12/2023 21:17

Then there's your answer. Once the kids have got over the suprise you'll be able to be happy together.

Show quote history

I’m just not even sure how our teens would feel about it. They’re happy to have their dad back in their lives, but both of them consider my ex to be their dad as he’s been there for so long and brought them up. They struggle to actually call their real father, ‘dad, and refer to him by his first name.

OP posts:
jolies1 · 26/12/2023 21:34

Be very cautious and have some time to yourself to figure out what it is you really want - for yourself and also out of a relationship.

Don’t allow him to move in for a considerable amount of time - he has to demonstrate consistent good behaviour while you co parent over a significant length of time to rebuild his relationship with you and more importantly with his kids. He needs to be completely honest with you about what his challenges have been, his triggers, how he plans to deal with them if times get tough.

If he really wants to reconcile and rebuild a family, he will be happy to be patient. Lots of days out, looking after his kids, getting to know his possible step kids, while you work on yourself. When you’re happy and confident within yourself, you can make a sensible, rational choice about whether he is the one.

Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 21:36

jolies1 · 26/12/2023 21:34

Be very cautious and have some time to yourself to figure out what it is you really want - for yourself and also out of a relationship.

Don’t allow him to move in for a considerable amount of time - he has to demonstrate consistent good behaviour while you co parent over a significant length of time to rebuild his relationship with you and more importantly with his kids. He needs to be completely honest with you about what his challenges have been, his triggers, how he plans to deal with them if times get tough.

If he really wants to reconcile and rebuild a family, he will be happy to be patient. Lots of days out, looking after his kids, getting to know his possible step kids, while you work on yourself. When you’re happy and confident within yourself, you can make a sensible, rational choice about whether he is the one.

Thank you- this is great advice and answers both my heart and my head! Taking things very slowly, not rushing or labelling anything… and I think I should start spending some of my child free time, away from my h and actually doing other things. Take up a hobby maybe. 😬

OP posts: