That this situation / relationship is just too messy?

[NotSienna]

I think I know the answer but here goes.
This is a long one.

Back story: I married young, 18 years old and husband was 21. We had 2 children together but our marriage didn’t last and we split when I was 25. I met someone else at 26 and we had 2 children together- unfortunately, he left me last year (we were together since 2012) and I’ve been a single mum of 4 since last year.

When my husband and I split, in 2011, things were not amicable. My husband had mental health issues and turned to alcohol, and he stopped seeing our 2 children, didn’t pay maintenance, and basically abandoned them. I moved away and we had no contact.

In 2020, my husband found me through social media and wanted to get in touch to start seeing our 2 children again. We spoke at length on the phone where he was very apologetic and honest and explained how bad his mental health ended up (he was an in patient in hospital at one point for a long time) he explained how he had actually overcome his difficulties, gone to rehab, had been sober since 2017….

I had always been honest with our children, regarding the situation with their dad and they had basically been brought up my ex, who was and still is a brilliant step dad to them. However, they both wanted to meet their dad again, so I followed their lead… and now they have a great relationship with their dad.

So fast forward to now…. In the last year, I’ve started meeting up with my husband alone- we never actually got divorced despite being separated since 2011… and a few months ago we started sleeping together.

Yesterday, we actually spent Christmas Day together (the 2 children I have with my ex were at their dads and the 2 we have together stayed with us.)

We had such an amazing Christmas…. My husband asked me if I would get back together with him.

My head says this is far too messy… he also had 2 children with someone else in the time we were apart and he does see them, but our 2 children have not met their siblings yet. My other 2 children have not met my husband yet and we’ve kept our own ‘relationship’ away from all 4 of them (and his 2) and literally no one knows about the situation we are now in.

My head just tells me I would be selfish to start a relationship again with my husband after all this time, and the fact we both have gone on to have other children - which would make the new dynamics quite complex and difficult for all children involved. My head also says if we split again, what will that do to the children we have together and the relationship they have built since 2020…

My heart, however, says I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else… that we settled down too young and that’s why it didn’t work out the first time round… and my husband has successfully beat his demons and is healthy, well, works hard, happy and settled…

I can’t speak to anyone in real life about this and I hope it’s not too outing but I’m willing to take the chance as I could do with an outsider’s perspective.

YABU- to even consider having a proper relationship again with my husband and it is selfish / too risky for the 6 children involved.

YANBU- you should follow your heart and make a go of things with your husband again. Life is too short not to be happy…

tia

This is sad you deserve better I don't believe in going back to exes tbh

I have a dear friend in a similar situation to you about 3 years ago, she re-married her ex and it's all ended disastrously with the children paying the full price and feeling they lost a parent again.

What I would say is also very common between you is that she also was never single long term. She saw a therapist that recommended taking 3-5 years to really learn who she is, what she wants, be alone, learn from that. A month later she moved in with ex.

If this relationship will work, then I think you need to really stop this habit of going from one long term relationship to a new one. I'd say take 12-18 months off of any relationships and then if you really want to date do it without the kids involved. Do that for some time and then explore the rest.

Don't just be single for your kids, realize it's good for you too.

[Did you ever see Run Away Bride? There's a scene at the end where she's able to say what type of eggs are her favourite, and for once it wasn't just what her partner loved. That's always stuck with me. She stopped to figure out who she was, not just taking on the identity as someone's partner and the rest...]

The occasional sleeping together is irrelevant, if they function as and see each other as friends...this is not about the OP's sex life, it's about her outlook on life. Can she be a single person (not necessarily sex free, just relationship free) or does she need a man to give structure to her life.

Having a man in your life when 'being in a couple' is important to you is a recipe for a bad relationship and a bad outcome for the dc (I know, both my parents were serial monogamists). A single person who can be on their own if they choose will set the terms of any relationship they enter into in a much healthier way, with appropriate boundaries and expectations.

Well, this is a complex one.

Your kids together are at an important age, in terms of school and emotions. Don't mess that up for them. If I were you I would wait until they have left home if this relationship can last that long and so be in good shape. It's not long in relation to the rest of your lives. I think it would definitely be far too messy for him to move in whilst they are there. I was going to suggest even if you make your relationship public that you keep separate houses, just in terms of being able to see all the children involved and have quality time together. It gives d everyone a chance to get used to him being around more, and get to know him very gradually over that 5 years.

If he (or you) meet someone else in those next 5 or so years then I guess you know it wasn't going to work out. It also gives you time to see if he is really well. I know marriage is in sickness and health but if it was alcoholism, that is difficult to tolerate without enabling.

Little update: I’ve broke things off with my husband. From your advice on here, I realised that this just wouldn’t ever work, realistically. I spoke to my H for a long time, and also realised that we were on completely different pages… especially when he actually became quite aggressive that I was ‘breaking up’ with him. That really made me see sense and realise I was just very caught up in having him back in our lives and romanticising everything in my mind… when it was clearly not going to be a happy ending. I’ve also had to accept that the reason my recent ex left (and yes he had an affair but..) was because when my H arrived back on the scene in 2020, my partner felt completely pushed aside, and I ended up spending entire weekends with my H and the children we have together, and pushing my ex out. I’m now going to concentrate on being single, and ‘finding myself’ as cliche as that sounds. And of course, putting my children first and making sure they continue to get through our new family living situation as unscathed as possible. Thank you for all the advice and support here- here’s to 2024!

Well done OP, what a positive start to 2024. Wishing you all the best.

Well done OP - I think it's the right thing.
I was going to ask - however "ill" you were, could YOU imagine leaving and ignoring your children for 9 years, paying nothing to support them, then when you felt better instead of rushing back to make amends, just having more kids? I doubt you could. He's not a good man.

I think it will be very sad if he pulls away from the kids again. But I suspect he will.

He seems unable to to have a relationship with his child unless he has one with you.

You need to divorce him asap before you buy your ex out. This could get complicated and messy

It feels to me that you just can't be happy being single. You have to be coupley

For me, this is worrying and isn't a good picture to paint to the children and is bad for you too

And why would you be DEVASTATED if your husband divorced you and married someone else?

The man couldn't be bothered paying for and keeping in touch with his two children by you, but was perfectly happy to create 2 more children. Mental health not so dreadful to do that, eh?

I think he's an idiot.

Well done, before reading your update it was clear that was the right thing to do.

You excused him vanishing from your kids' lives by saying he was mentally unwell but he still managed to hold down a relationship and father two children. He wasn't so ill for the whole 9 years that he couldn't make contact - he was having a nice life with his new kids. He only came back when that relationship ended. He's not a good man.

I've seen your update! Well done. It's definitely the right decision imo

A good update, and well done for reaching that decision. However, I reiterate my earlier point that you must have a cast iron will, or get divorced asap (or preferably both) so that in the case of your death, youe legal husband doesn’t inherit to the detriment of your 4 children.

Congratulations OP and all best wishes for 2024 (and your divorce!?)