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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That this situation / relationship is just too messy?

63 replies

NotSienna · 26/12/2023 20:37

I think I know the answer but here goes.
This is a long one.

Back story: I married young, 18 years old and husband was 21. We had 2 children together but our marriage didn’t last and we split when I was 25. I met someone else at 26 and we had 2 children together- unfortunately, he left me last year (we were together since 2012) and I’ve been a single mum of 4 since last year.

When my husband and I split, in 2011, things were not amicable. My husband had mental health issues and turned to alcohol, and he stopped seeing our 2 children, didn’t pay maintenance, and basically abandoned them. I moved away and we had no contact.

In 2020, my husband found me through social media and wanted to get in touch to start seeing our 2 children again. We spoke at length on the phone where he was very apologetic and honest and explained how bad his mental health ended up (he was an in patient in hospital at one point for a long time) he explained how he had actually overcome his difficulties, gone to rehab, had been sober since 2017….

I had always been honest with our children, regarding the situation with their dad and they had basically been brought up my ex, who was and still is a brilliant step dad to them. However, they both wanted to meet their dad again, so I followed their lead… and now they have a great relationship with their dad.

So fast forward to now…. In the last year, I’ve started meeting up with my husband alone- we never actually got divorced despite being separated since 2011… and a few months ago we started sleeping together.

Yesterday, we actually spent Christmas Day together (the 2 children I have with my ex were at their dads and the 2 we have together stayed with us.)

We had such an amazing Christmas…. My husband asked me if I would get back together with him.

My head says this is far too messy… he also had 2 children with someone else in the time we were apart and he does see them, but our 2 children have not met their siblings yet. My other 2 children have not met my husband yet and we’ve kept our own ‘relationship’ away from all 4 of them (and his 2) and literally no one knows about the situation we are now in.

My head just tells me I would be selfish to start a relationship again with my husband after all this time, and the fact we both have gone on to have other children - which would make the new dynamics quite complex and difficult for all children involved. My head also says if we split again, what will that do to the children we have together and the relationship they have built since 2020…

My heart, however, says I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else… that we settled down too young and that’s why it didn’t work out the first time round… and my husband has successfully beat his demons and is healthy, well, works hard, happy and settled…

I can’t speak to anyone in real life about this and I hope it’s not too outing but I’m willing to take the chance as I could do with an outsider’s perspective.

YABU- to even consider having a proper relationship again with my husband and it is selfish / too risky for the 6 children involved.

YANBU- you should follow your heart and make a go of things with your husband again. Life is too short not to be happy…

tia

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 21:39

Our children plan to meet their younger siblings in the new year. This has been spoke about for quite some time, and things are amicable between my h and his ex-partner he has the 2 younger children with. I’ve spoke to her myself, and our children have decided they’re ready to meet them. So that’s of more importance right now. One step a time I guess.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2023 21:41

It would be very nice if he has recovered and changed, but I have to wonder if he isn't just playing you to get his feet back under the table.

You need to be navigating this with your eyes WIDE open. Any hint of a red flag or abusive behaviour, this little experiment is over.

JMSA · 26/12/2023 21:42

What a mess. I think you should stay single and focus on your kids.

Hankunamatata · 26/12/2023 21:42

Slow it down. You don't have to hide as such but you don't need to be telling kids everything either. I'd definitely keep seperate households until kids are older teens

Otins · 26/12/2023 21:44

Regardless of what happens with your relationship, I hope you have a water tight will that looks after, and benefits your 4 children if you should die. As you are still married to this man legally, he would be a beneficiary currently, which could leave your children with nothing.

Prawncow · 26/12/2023 21:44

So he abandoned you and his children, stayed away for 9 years, didn’t pay any maintenance or try to contact you. He fathered two more children during this time. One day he pops back on the scene having ‘found you’ on social media and builds a relationship with the children but they don’t see him as Dad. When you break up with the man who has acted as a father to your first two children, you fall straight into a secret relationship with this ex.

Just don’t get pregnant or he might sod off for another decade.

HollyBerryMistletoe · 26/12/2023 21:52

I'd also add, you have said that he has changed, but he has two other young children now from a relationship that broke down. Why did it break down? Why, when he was healthy, did he not seek out his first two children before creating two more lives?

You also have two young children to your most recent ex, how will this affect them? What kind of stepdad would your husband be?

I think, honestly, you want to continue with this relationship regardless of if it impacts on the lives of the children under your care. What would they benefit from this? What do they really gain? Except worry and confusion?

Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 23:32

Otins · 26/12/2023 21:44

Regardless of what happens with your relationship, I hope you have a water tight will that looks after, and benefits your 4 children if you should die. As you are still married to this man legally, he would be a beneficiary currently, which could leave your children with nothing.

He doesn’t really have much in the way of assets, he has pretty much built his life from scratch since coming out of hospital/ rehab. He rents a flat, pretty much lives hand to mouth. (Although he’s working hard to improve his situation) I have a mortgage with my ex, and I’m in the process of buying him out. So I do have considerably more than my husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSienna · 26/12/2023 23:34

Prawncow · 26/12/2023 21:44

So he abandoned you and his children, stayed away for 9 years, didn’t pay any maintenance or try to contact you. He fathered two more children during this time. One day he pops back on the scene having ‘found you’ on social media and builds a relationship with the children but they don’t see him as Dad. When you break up with the man who has acted as a father to your first two children, you fall straight into a secret relationship with this ex.

Just don’t get pregnant or he might sod off for another decade.

When you put it like that….. oh gosh what a mess.

OP posts:
Wooloohooloo · 26/12/2023 23:39

You should probably sort out your divorce and make a will as you have kids from different fathers. If you died now it would all go to your husband.

LolaSmiles · 26/12/2023 23:44

It sounds too messy in my opinion.

Given you're still married, your assets are legally tied to your husband and would pass to him.

There's a lot of children here who are half siblings who need to be prioritised and your husband's track record so far isn't good.

In my opinion you need to get divorced, be single for a while, maintain your positive relationship with your ex, focus on having an amicable co-parenting relationship with your (hopefully) STBXH and only then consider a relationship with him.

Prawncow · 26/12/2023 23:57

Whatever his reasons, he left you with two small children and no financial support for years. He’s had and left another family since then. I wouldn’t risk bringing him into your children’s lives as a partner so soon after their father/stepfather has left, especially when he’s already walked away from the oldest two in the past.

NaughtybutNice77 · 27/12/2023 00:16

I think you need to establish a decent relationship with his children first, then introduce him to your other two. If that goes well continue dating but keep it at that, and be open and honest with friends and relatives.
Where is he living now? If it's a bedsit/room/with a mate I'd be suspicious. Even though he might not have intentionally set out to be a 'cocklodger' you need to know its you he's interested rather than that lovely homely comfort he got as you ate your turkey! Get him to take his 2 children to his forca while. If he says his home is unsuitable tell him it's OK, you can wait a bit till he's sorted this.

Alcyoneus · 27/12/2023 00:22

What an odd scenario. Everyone breaking up and starting new families all over the place, then breaking up that family and moving on. Then moving back.

Have you considered putting your children first, rather than all this drama.

Saggypants · 27/12/2023 00:36

NotSienna · 26/12/2023 20:53

Yes… this is the unspoken part of the story really. I have not really been ‘single’ for long since the age of 18, and I wonder if that’s got something to do with me considering rekindling our marriage again.

Show quote history

I would be worried about any subconscious pressure to be partnered again (whether that's loneliness, wanting the practical and financial benefits of a 2 adult family etc) and how that could be clouding your judgment.

Because as a single mum of 2 I can imagine being a single mum of 4 is really, really difficult. But on paper, this guy and this situation looks like a terrible choice. And even if it turns out not to be, it's all happening too quickly.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2023 00:48

I have a mortgage with my ex, and I’m in the process of buying him out. So I do have considerably more than my husband.

As your husband, couldn't he make a claim for half of your home should things go tits up? What a mess. You really need to get your affairs in order.

honeylulu · 27/12/2023 00:54

This sounds rather like a modern day retelling of Jude the Obscure. Your name isn't Arabella is it? (Clue - the tale doesn't end well!)

Smineusername · 27/12/2023 01:03

I would just not.

Let's look at the reasons it is so appealing to you (and why they're bullshit):

  1. It offers the promise of catharsis, washing away the pain of the past. This doesn't work in reality because however you cut it up you are sending the message to your other kids that they were a mistake as was your relationship with their dad.Not acceptable.
  1. He's a reformed character and presumably he was forced to change his ways because the pain of you leaving him was so unbearable. Well isn't that gratifying to the ego. But hang on, if he was that serious about getting well and not fucking up any more children's lives he would not have gone on to have 2 more kids (who now he merely 'sees' - big of him)
  2. You are snagging him in secret (exciting! Hot! Not real life!) and playing happy families with (half of) your kids and taking the absolute piss out of all of them. Stop fucking about on your kids! This is their childhood! Stop fucking full stop.

And most importantly THIS CUNT ABANDONED YOU and what is worse HE ABANDONED YOUR KIDS. That cant be pit right,ever. No second chances.

In all this time you've never really been single or taken them time to explore what you are like outside of a relationship. Time to stop fucking the cunt who abandoned you and find out who you really are outside of all this drama.

Sproutier · 27/12/2023 01:04

Not all couples move in together, even in the long term.

I wonder if you could protect your kids (and yourself to some extent) by planning not to move in together, however your relationship develops. Keeping separate households long-term might de-risk the whole thing for everyone, take the pressure off. There is a lot you can get out of a relationship without living together. It's a bit unconventional, but so is your history together.

People do change, and in particular they grow up. But then they also stay the same. The relationship could work out for you, but it would be very emotionally complicated (unhealthy?) for the children to be expected to live with someone who rejected them so thoroughly for so long. Even as older teens, it just wouldn't seem fair. I would maybe see whether separate households could work as a long term thing. The main reason people choose to do it is for their children's sake.

Diggerdriverless · 27/12/2023 01:17

Don't just 'slow things down' put this whole 'relationship' on hold. You are young and maybe don't want to be single forever but you need to take a break and put your FOUR children first. It really doesn't sound as if you have been single for long since you were 18. You also need to have a will and, probably, a divorce to ensure your children are protected and cared for if anything happened to you.

In a few years time you can consider whether your husband is someone you want to date, not just someone familiar to make up for being rejected by your ex.

Midnightgrey · 27/12/2023 01:19

I'd be dating for quite a long time before I'd ever consider blending the families. He's told you some things and you have no way of knowing whether or not they are true. In my view trust has to be earned.

Midnightgrey · 27/12/2023 01:22

Is he paying maintenance now?

lto2019 · 27/12/2023 01:34

There are literally millions of other men if you want a relationship. If it goes wrong between you, then it will have a knock on effect with your kids who are trying to build a relationship with him. It's not worth the risk.

brainworms · 27/12/2023 01:41

RUN AWAAAAAAAAAY

Dotcheck · 27/12/2023 01:46

Why do you have to make a decision on whether or not to be with him?
Perhaps take time to get to know him again, co-parent, and then make a decision when you really know who he is now, and what kind of parent he is.
There’s nothing wrong with getting back together, but don’t rush into anything ( even ‘secret dating’).
You owe it to yourself and your children to stand on your own two feet to create a stable base for your children, and to make a proper, considered decision.